dazed's story

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#1 Jul 6 - 3PM
dazed
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dazed's story

Dazed, confused and discarded

Well, I have been reading for weeks and decided to finally post my story and participate. I am in the minority here in that I am a man but I also am one of you in that I became involved with an N and didn't know it till so much damage was done and confusion reigned inside my head.

I had been in a most unhappy marriage to an N for 20 years. Decided to stay for the kids years ago but my sadness worsened, our communication got even worse and with my wife's refusal to go to counseling I began to think of leaving. At my job I had a colleague that I met and didn't like. She was extremely arrogant and bossy; I felt she couldn't be trusted. After working with each other for 18 months, she changed. The arrogant bossy edge disappeared and in its place was a very flirty engaging woman. I responded and just about a year ago we kissed. The passion and the attraction was unlike anything I had experienced. She was also married but told me shortly after that kiss that she was unhappy, her husband neglected her, never touched her and she had a very high sex drive and needed that in her life. I could not believe what was happening, but I did not stop it and for that I feel tremendous guilt and I am paying for it dearly now. Never thought I would be a man of low integrity--the cheater, the adulterer. Call it what you want but it is for me to reconcile. I know I made a huge mistake.

This new woman has turned out to be a vicious N. Type A all the way. Controlling and there is constant drama and complaining from her. I am the polar opposite. On our second day as a couple she told me she loved me but that she also couldn't leave her husband. On day 21 she told me she wanted to marry me and that she was telling her husband she wanted a divorce. I fell for it and didn't realize the importance of these red flags. The relationship with her was a whirlwind. So incredibly exciting. Dinners out and long conversations. She was so enthralled and invested in me and she was the most incredible woman I had ever met. Smart, kind, beautiful, caring, sensual, sexual. She embodied everything I ever wanted in a woman. Within a couple of weeks we had slept together. Like many of you have mentioned, the sex was phenomenal. Very bonding for me and validating that I am desirable (never got that from my wife). Every time we made love was emotional for both of us. She was perfect. We spent so much time together at work and then would find time on the weekends. Called each other constantly and there seemed to be such incredible intimacy so fast and it was so consuming. This was an obsessive relationship on both our parts. Incredibly intense and serious so quickly. Near constant communication and sharing who we are to one another. She even said she never believed in soul mates but I had changed her mind. Said I was the best lover and was perfect. I had never been so happy.

After a couple of months she slowly would intersperse compliments to me with criticisms. At work she'd say I was good at what I did but also would say I was not prepared and I'm poorly organized. She would get mad at little things. I answered my cell phone one day in her office and walked away. She yelled at me that I was being dismissive because I didn't say "excuse me". She was angry and attacking and it put me on the defensive. We argued in the parking lot for 20 minutes. I noticed she would never tell me how she felt when she was upset. Rather she would tell me how I was. So instead of saying she was hurt that I suddenly left her office to take the phone call, she defined my actions as dismissive and told me so. This would repeat itself many times over our 10 months together.

I also noticed that all our arguments, and there were many, would end with me apologizing for whatever and it would take her a lot of time to accept the apology. She had lots of criticisms of me. She would say I spoke in a passive way or that I used words that were too aggressive or that I overreacted or I was overly sensitive. I would tell her I was emotional about something and she would reply with disdain, "Everything's emotional to you!' I would resolve to change and soon I could see the eggshells all around her. I never knew what was coming or what would set her off. And when she got mad she was aggressive and condescending and never wrong. This was too hard. Intersperse this craziness with times of tenderness and making love for hours at a time and the intermittent reenforcement and trauma bonding were in full force. I was in love. I knew there were problems but I felt we could overcome them. We continued to talk of getting married.

One night I was to meet her and got delayed by a phone call from my mother. We spoke and I then went for our rendezvous. My N asked why I was delayed and I told her. Why didn't you get off the phone with your mother? I don't like the way you deal with her. You're too passive in the way you deal with her. You're too passive in the way you ....and she then proceeded to list the ways in which I conducted my life that were inadequate. I was dumbfounded and could not understand how inappropriate all this was. The anger was oppressive and out of proportion for what happened. We argued over this for hours. After our breakup I told her I would have appreciated it if she had just said she was hurt that I was late rather than listing the ways I lived my life in ways she found unacceptable. Her response was that she did nothing wrong, she was totally appropriate and she was just pointing out how I was similar to her exH. Over the last 3 months we were together the fights became more frequent and it was always something I did or said.

We had one week where we spent a lot of time together and we were very close. Made love 3 times in 5 days. The next week she said she needed a break. Two days later she came over to see me, we made love and then she told me she wanted to date others. But she had someone specific in mind. I was crushed. She went on the date and then told me about it (!). I could not stand to work with her anymore listening to her go on about her social life. I arranged a transfer to another department. She talked to me for and hour and talked me out of it and then later that same day told me it was a drain talking to me. Told her I was hurt by this comment and she didn't understand why. She didn't think I should be hurt. I went thru with the transfer (but before I left she said "You've had 2 days to be nice to me and you've fucked it up!") and she then said she didn't want to go out with the other guy but wanted me instead. I said we needed the space to cool off. She said that if I didn't go out with her, she would go with the other guy. I was being manipulated but relented. We were to go out, but it never happened.

She was to tell our boss about us, paving the way for us to be an official couple. I wasn't ready and told her to wait. I needed to think and deal with all of this. She then said the only way she wouldn't talk to our boss was if we were broken up. She was putting our relationship on the line to get her way. Initially I said I didn't want that but she kept pushing me that her decision to talk to our boss was logical and I was just being emotional (silly me). I eventually called her on it and said OK, we are broken up. She met with our boss anyway and then called me to say she would never ever be with me again. We were thru. Two days before the breakup we were talking wedding plans. She quit on us too easily and quickly. Prior to the break, she told me the guy she had gone out with (20 years older than her. She is 35) was too old for her and she did not have romantic feelings for him. After our break she went out with him and in 2 weeks time was in a committed relationship with him. Four weeks after that she told people at work she wanted to marry the new guy.

The pain of all this is so excruciating. I think of her constantly. The energy and drama are gone and I miss it, even though much of it was destructive. I miss the person who I fell for but I know that is not the real person who was with me. I miss the excitement, the time spent with her, holding her hand when we walked, the conversations, the tenderness, the sex. Everything. Well, not everything. Not the insults and anger and lack of empathy. I don't miss feeling on edge about what I will do next to set her off. I don't miss her blaming me for all that is wrong in this relationship. I don't miss her lack of taking responsibility for her behavior. CD is gripping me. I had been NC for 7 weeks but yesterday she called about a work related issue that could not be resolved by email. We spoke but nothing of a personal nature. Got off the phone and just fell apart. Had been doing better actually. Her desire to marry the OM so quickly really told me that my relationship with her was not special, as I thought it was. I thought and believed all she told me. Just words. Still hard to believe there was not something incredible there. Well, there was for me. I loved her and cared. I gave all that I could and it would never have been enough. I believe she sensed the end and was lining up the next man before this one had completely run its course. Had we not broken up when we did, I believe it would have happened in short order. While I want her still, she has literally moved on to the next guy, probably not even thinking of me. Still so attached 9 weeks after the break and 7 weeks since I instituted NC. The pain, though less, remains. So hard to move on. Keep wondering when she will realize how incredible we were and she will come back but the truth is we weren't. It was rocky and passionate and emotional and exhilarating and it has left me a wreck. I miss it. I miss her.

Jul 9 - 10AM
apple
apple's picture

Ouch!!

My heart aches for you Dazed! The pain of suffering from narcissistic abuse is devastating and especially what your feeling right now is simply the worst but YOU WILL get through it. I can tell you that it won't be that far off in your near future that you will be thanking your lucky stars that the relationship didn't work out and that she showed her true colors before you married her. Keep your chin up and if at all possible try not to have any more contact with her even if it appears to be work related. Narcs love to rub our faces in how wonderful their new relationships are. Its all part of the sadistic pleasure they get from hurting us. And after awhile you will be able to spot her game playing from a mile away. It will always be one big giant lie as he's getting the same treatment that you got. Walking on egg shells is no way to live. You deserve better. Stay strong. xxA
Jul 9 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
dazed
dazed's picture

Thanks so much, and not just

Thanks so much, and not just to you but to everyone on this site who have commented on some things i've posted. Everyone here is just so amazing and supportive. It helps tremendously.
Jul 8 - 4AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Dazed

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I'd like to welcome you to the forum...it's the wee hours of the morning here and I'm about to go to bed, but do want to read this more carefully upon waking up...but wanted to extend a warm welcome and commend you for sharing despite your "minority" status, something that I believe will change here soon as this type of abuse does not discriminate. I look forward to communicating with you further and want to re-assure you that if you do the work, it gets better. Hugs!
Jul 7 - 10PM
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The infatuation is real

The infatuation part of the relationship is real for the narc. It's probably the only time they feel really bonded to anyone. So the perceptions we had that they were in love is accurate. But in love and actually loving somebody for their indispensable unique selves,is a foreign concept to a narcissist. When the romantic infatuation phase wears off, most couples experience a deepening of true love and friendship. As they are incapable of depth of any kind of emotion, when the shallowness of infatuation runs it's course there is nothing to replace it or segue into.
Jul 7 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Shareebles
Shareebles's picture

This comment really helped me

This comment really helped me understand those close "loving" times me and my ex-N spent together.
Jul 9 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

One of the things that drove

One of the things that drove me most insane after the D and D was the attitude that, "they have no feelings, they are just acting all of the time." Period. This threatened my mental health. I know it's offered in the spirit of trying to help us get over him, face reality, but it's profoundly disturbing. I also think it's not quite accurate. My idiot lit up like a freaking Christmas tree when he looked at me, while in the opening phases of romance. Granted there's a whole lot of b.s, lies, fantasy there. Their feelings of being over the top crazy about us, for a short time are real, based on my experience. It's not something I comfort myself with, I just don't think he had the kind of acting ability it would take to pull off a stunt like that.
Jul 7 - 9PM
dazed
dazed's picture

Thanks to those who

Thanks to those who commented. I was surprised how much the support has meant to me. Trying to take each day one at a time. Some are good and some not, but i think I am marginally better. One thing I notice is that this is so much harder than other breakups and my friends and family just can't understand why I am so devastated for so long. They are sick of hearing it, I believe, so it seems like I will be here for a while.
Jul 8 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Totally Understand!

"One thing I notice is that this is so much harder than other breakups and my friends and family just can't understand why I am so devastated for so long." I couldn't have said it better! That's exactly how it is. Glad you came here -- you will find support and people who understand. {{{Hugs}}} and welcome!
Jul 6 - 8PM
Shareebles
Shareebles's picture

Wow

Wow, I read your story and I was almost in tears. Your intense feelings help me realise that im not alone. Dazed, I could identify with you so much even though our situations are incredibly different. I really feel for you!
Jul 6 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Dazed

Welcome to Narcville, Yup you found yourself a chick Narc. awesome isn't it? They are so distractive, What you are feeling is normal, Im so sad for you. It sucks but it will get better. Read, move in to our neighborhood, and stay NC. Hunter
Jul 6 - 8PM
adoette
adoette's picture

dazed

Thanks for taking the time to share your story, dazed, and welcome to this forum. We can relate to your story and feel your pain. Stick here and we'll walk together through to recovery. It will keep getting better, but in the meantime it is just plain hard as hell. Every time someone shares his/her story, a bond of caring and compassion is created and someone is encouraged. You are taking steps towards healing and in your sharing you are contributing to the healing of others. May you find support and comaraderie here.
Jul 6 - 8PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

dazed

I feel for you. It is awful the way someone can just treat you like a door mat and never bat an eye. It's so hard to accept the fact that there really are heartless people in the world. In the end you will actually be a stronger and more caring person because you know how heartbreaking it is first hand. Hang in there and remember the real woman was the nasty condescending, heartless wench. All the good stuff was just a mirage. xxx, Ruby
Jul 6 - 3PM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

as our beloved Hunter would say:

"you have been Narced" "same person different body" Hi your post made me cry I hope that some of the men on this site will come and rally around you though I do believe it is the same 'Narc" same unexplicable behavior same rage etc but perhaps a different experience for a man who is the victim of the Narc, it feels to me like a whole other part of your being gets called into question in the case of a woman its our "womanhood" and I can only imagine for you its is your very "manhood" excruciating, of that I am certian please stay and read and heal with us be blessed k
Jul 6 - 3PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

WOW

WOW