I think I may have broken rules of NC

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#1 Jun 21 - 11PM

greengirl91

I think I may have broken rules of NC

..Yeah. I`m not proud of that, has been the Ns b`day and I snooped on his FB profile. Loots and lots of triggers, songs, old stuff hoovering and small new stuff..he knows that I know he is emotionally disturbed and pathologial liar, so I didn`t answered any of his so called "triggers". He seemed sort of desperate and needy this time, noticing that I ignored his signals.

But :"> I have not totally ignored him unforcinatelly. I guess seeing old stuff made me "missing" him, a lot more. I can`t say I contacted him directly, but I`ve been on a music channel, where he have each other as friends, and appreciated the video "Love the way you lie", knowing he can probably see it. In the past, that was our way of "communication", through songs. Me giving "love songs" of course as N supply.

I wouldn`t consider that a "supply", just more of a conclusion as everything that has been between us, and everything that I don`t wish to repeat any longer. Though to him, if he sees it, it could appear as "supply" and "oh, I just had to lie one more time to get her back"..

I had guilty feelings for abandoning, and regardless of what he may or may not answer or think, I`m going to be long gone by then, in a journey with myself. I hope he doesn`t consider that "I`m in the game again", because that is not going to happen. Thank God he`s blocked on FB.

But anyway..I guess that NC was invented especially for our safety, not theirs. In a way, I acted like that maybe for fear of facing my inner fears and void. Because I had moments where, instead of daily drama and confusion from the Narc, there comes this sadness, and desire that things were different. Huh, I guess I`m trying to convince myself not to repeat this "trigger snooping" again. I know arleady what I`m going to find. More chaos, more drama, more confusion, and me stuck inside it.

Hope the obsessing will get less and less with time :(..I have moments when I have the impression I invented all this N story, and that I`m insane. But still, a normal individual respects your boundaries. Ns don`t..

#2 Jun 23 - 5AM

agnesmurphy17

Your Past

This is your past & it meant something to you. Your hopes & dreams. But visiting does trigger emotion. I went to the house which I co-owned with my N. We got married and bought a property in the same week. (I learned later he married me to help him finance this house purchase.) I married him believing that I would have a family, a home, & a garden. And in that yard I created a most glorious garden. I lasted only 2 1/2 years as a wife. I went to see the garden from the sidewalk. It is unbelievably beautiful. Flowers everywhere. I almost wept on the sidewalk. Of course, he got the house. Within 4 months of the marriage, he started demanding a divorce always demanding the house for himself. He wasn't there when I went. I thought he was away on his annual visit back to his native country. But he pulled up to the front while I was in the back. I hope he didn't notice me. I haven't heard anything. But sometimes these trips down memory lane into things which were important to us -- not such a good idea.

#3 Jun 24 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

greengirl91

Yes, it is my past..but I

Yes, it is my past..but I don`t want to let it control my present anymore you know, with Ns and all that. It`s a process of recovery, a journey for all of us. I was crying when I came here, I was mad at God asking him "why, why some of the most self centered people I know seem to have everything in life, and some like me have bunch of kicks from life".. I`m glad I found this site, I still have triggers, those "issing" longing moments, but now I feel more healthy than I used to. It`s like a virtual place for peace and therapy, where people share experiences and that`s great! Narcbusters :-) too bad we`ve been through those experiences, but I hope we`ll learn, and use them to become more stronger, more beautiful, more alive.

#4 Jun 22 - 12AM

adoette

greengirl

"I know arleady what I`m going to find. More chaos, more drama, more confusion, and me stuck inside it." Well said, GG. Well said.

#5 Jun 22 - 11PM (Reply to #9)

greengirl91

Thank you for the support

Thank you for the support Adoette!! I like how GG sounds :-) feeling a little bit lighter today. Hope that with time, NC, and focusing on myself, he will be out of me for good. Hugs!

#6 Jun 22 - 12AM

rosedewittbukater

trigger snooping

It sounds like you are having CD. Totally understand the obsessing. Lisa preaches you cannot control or stop the thoughts, but we can control our reactions to them. Easier said than done, though right? Curious though, how can you snoop on his FB page if you are blocked? When this happened to me, I cannot see anything on her page. Just a generic public photo (which is different from a regular profile photo). Also I thought it worked both ways, so that it doesn't matter who blocked who, neither one of you can see each others walls/profile.

#7 Jun 22 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

greengirl91

Yes, CD all the way. It only

Yes, CD all the way. It only need a little "snoop" to drag me back to the dark circle. Oh, I snooped from an old profile, that I didn`t used..I`m going to erase it today, to completely eliminate any temptation. It`s weird I suppose, to cling like that to an illusion, but I guess that`s what happens in this sort of relationships, it wasn`t a healthy one, so the effects are also unhealthy. It`s like a drug, that has to get out of my system. I`ll have to remember this quote, "Never search for closure from the source of your pain".

#8 Jun 21 - 11PM

Arwen

you're not insane. It

you're not insane. It happened. It was real. You were there, he was there. He told he loved you. You thought you loved him, you still do. You're not insane and it's not your fault. It's ok. Try to get some sleep. Hugs xoxoxoxo

#9 Jun 22 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

greengirl91

Thank you for your message, I

Thank you for your message, I did exactly that. Lots of sleep, and I feel a little bit lighter. It`s as if everything is more clear, the music, the sunshine, dialogs with other people. Maybe I`m getting out of the fog and confusion? I hope so :-) Best of luck to you as well!

#10 Jun 23 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

tresor2

No Contact

I totally understand your struggles. I went back and forth for years before I finally broke away. The cognitive dissonance is crazy making. My obsessions became a true addiction and I was living on hope and fantasy...hope that the N would change, LOL. Today, I still wonder about his life but, I learned how damaging any type of contact is to me and my health. Everytime I "slip," I loose days, weeks and months from my life and I cannot get those days back. I know N's don't think about us at all becaue they are N's. They are true ticks. They suck us dry and then find a new host to attach to. They take our life force and when it's gone, they devalue and discard. Take good care of yourself, love yourself and know that if you hang on, you'll loose your soul, slowly and surely.

#11 Jun 24 - 7AM (Reply to #5)

greengirl91

Exactly..when we focus on

Exactly..when we focus on them, the way they train us to, we slowly loose pieces of ourselves. Until we`re left with nothing but emptyness and numbness. We have to wake up and heal, say "STOP" out loud and take our life back. I`ve made major changes in my life since I broke up with ex N, my family situation is not looking very well either. There are lots of people who apparently "care" for my life and wishes, but they care only for me to follow their own rules. My N mother, aunts, lots of controlling people. And I did it, I said NO. I don`t want to depend on anyone for my happiness anymore. Not Ns, not ex N not future Ns, lol :-) It will take time, but I`m not in a hurry anymore.

#12 Jun 24 - 7AM (Reply to #4)

greengirl91

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