Relationships with Narcissist Addicts

I believe the problem lies in the fact that most women and (men) in codependent relationships with PD addicts have no real clue that they are being manipulated on a daily basis by a pro. How do you suppose they maintain their addictions AND manage to have a beautiful girl who turns a deaf ear and turns away with her eyes and instincts to what is actually going on???

It happens because they are the great cons, liars, and pro's at sucking you in with fluff and slowly undermining you at the same time. By the time they get done with you, you are actually willing to admit that much of this is your fault as you state in replying that you contributed to this insanity. NO NO NO, you did not contribute to it aside from staying with him and putting up with it. You were not contributing to it; you were REACTING to it.

When you are with a crazy person, it is perfectly natural to respond with tears, anger, confusion, ect.. and then once you start acting like that: BINGO, you become the crazy one who is just impossible to deal with, suddenly they tell you everything is your fault. We call it projection. He mirrors back to you what HE is doing and now calls it YOUR disorder.

Slick aren't they? You were brainwashed. This is how the game is played. I have been around addicts through various jobs for years and they all work the same. POOR ME, POOR ME!! I need YOU to help me. YOU are the ONLY one who understands me. PLEASE PLEASE put up with more of my shit or I don't know what I am going to do.

His words are pure manipulation and garbage. He see's the light and he knows how disordered he is??? Ya right, not on your life. These are his lies to suck you back in. He does not see jack shit. What he see's in you is an easy mark and easy target who will buy into his crap and actually take it on as her own and feel bad and go back to the Master for some more "training" on how to be a good little girl and once again, PUT UP with more of his CRAP.

This is NOT going to change; he is not going to wake up one day and "see the light" and start "praying to God" He says these things simply to manipulate you, keep you down, make you think he has changed, make you think you are helping him.

No one "helps" an addict get or stay sober; it's an inside job. They can go to thousands of meetings and if they want to use, they will use and whether or not he is "sober" now his behaviors have NOT changed, he is still the great manipulator of women. They prey on women because we are in love with them and we want to believe, even though we can see with our own eyes that their actions do not match their words.

Also the majority of them are just as sick when they put down the substance so it's no great thing that he got "sober" which using suboxone isn't really sober anyway. It is synthetic opiates.

I have seen many many men with 20 years of sobriety continue to lie, cheat, and use woman as objects for their supply.

He has beaten you down and now you actually believe his lies. The solution is for you to begin to deprogram and start to see him for what he really is, not the pretend charactor he portrayed himself as in the beginning. He is a piece of shit for what he did to you and as long as you continue to blame his addiction for it you are not going to be able to see the truth.

The addiction is but a symptom of underlying causes and those are that he is a selfish, crazy, manipulative conman.

God bless,
Goldie

Jul 17 - 12PM
clover
clover's picture

I totally agree with the

I totally agree with the following: A N is very insidious with his/her control..."By the time they get done with you, you are actually willing to admit that much of this is your fault as you state in replying that you contributed to this insanity." That totally happened to me over and over again. I would end up taking responsibility for EVERYTHING just to get him back just so he wouldn't leave. It was so sick. Then: "When you are with a crazy person, it is perfectly natural to respond with tears, anger, confusion, ect.. and then once you start acting like that: BINGO, you become the crazy one who is just impossible to deal with, suddenly they tell you everything is your fault." YES YES YES. That is exactly what happened to me over and over. I would get flustered, frustrated and angry at his unjust treatment of me and the consequence was that he made me the problem. My N had me thinking accepting that I was "crazy" paranoid, etc. Deep down I didn't really believe him, but was willing to go along with it because I just didn't want him to leave. Wow. He was good.
Jul 17 - 3PM (Reply to #29)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Manipulated to craziness

During the final D&D, the ex-Psych prof had me begging for him, constantly apologizing in tears (tho now I see I did NOTHING wrong). He moved his seminar from one classroom to another so I'd look nuts/stalking so I wouldn't get closure. I DID respond with tears, anger, confusion. I looked crazy compared to the emotionless girlfriend he flaunted. He'd calmly lecture me about "appropriate behavior" as I'd be publicly sobbing. When I understood that he WANTED me to be crazy... I DECIDED to act sane, cool, calm. His treatment of me WAS unjust. I had to pretend to be all calm&no-nonsense tho I was heartbroken, betrayed, devastated. It was a hard act to pull. Once I realized that my sanity&happiness was driving him nuts, I escalated it. He threw a tantrum when I congratulated him on being engaged... KNOWING he wanted triangulation. I bragged about it the next day. I KNOW I was dealing him narcissistic injuries... after the final D&D, I had them coldly calculated. The target was in the crosshairs;all I had to do was fire away. He WANTED me pining, suicidal (suicide would've been a sick ego boost for him), out of my mind... I decided "I won't do that. Better he lose his sanity than ME." I knew what drove him nuts... so I did it. His tantrums tended to be public. Once I stopped taking the blame for EVERYTHING (he felt entitled to it)... I piled it on him. Repeatedly. I refused to take responsibility for his behavior;I taunted his inability to be accountable for his actions. I laughed at him. I mocked his lack of manliness. Once I knew the nature of narcissistic injuries... I gave them away like candy on Halloween.
Jul 5 - 10PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Thank you for calling it like it is Goldie!

Yup, they see you as the target, and lure you back in. It is all garbage. Yes. Until you realize that all they put on for you is a show, a mask, a false relationship, they do this for years, have fake kids, fake jobs, fake checking accouts, fake dates, fake addresses, fake comments to people anywhere and everywhere, , lie beyond what you would ever know.. When you see, and realize the facility at which they lie everyday, ALL day, about everything, no matter how trivial, you will get it, and you will be preaching to the choir. The are sick, not in a good way.
Jun 30 - 11AM
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture

code?

I am new here too..What is OW? ..I know its the new target but I dont know what it stands for....been making up my own thing.. :)
Jun 30 - 1PM (Reply to #26)
FreedomJane
FreedomJane's picture

OW = Other Woman ...she is

OW = Other Woman ...she is also referred to as NS (= narcisstic supply)
Jun 30 - 11AM
FreedomJane
FreedomJane's picture

What is PD?

I am new here. What is PD? I think this post may be very helpful to me once I unlock the code (lol!).
Jun 30 - 1PM (Reply to #24)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Personality Disorder

It stands for Personality Disorder, as opposed to a mental illness.
Jun 25 - 7AM
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture

Goldie

This was beautiful and absolutely what I needed to read this morning to re- inforce in me that even though he stopped drinking, his behaviors are something he owns for a lifetime. It re-inforces that he will not change. Even though he says he is with a man now- he will treat him the same way eventually. I continually look for my part in this. The only part I played in this was that I loved him and tried- really tried to make him happy. I even took him back and this last dump just really showed me the man he is. Distorted. I keep thinking because he has come out as gay that these behaviors will somehow dissapear and ge will be normal. He never will be and I have to keep focusing on that. I have my days but the weekends when I'm alone bring up a lot of crap for me. I want to Just put it all behind me. That's the hardest part. Thank you for this post.
Jun 23 - 10AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The drinking

The ex-Psych prof would sometimes say "I wish I didn't drink." There's the saying that in NORMAL breakups "Women cry. Men drink beer." As I sarcastically told a friend during the final D&D, I was crying, and the ex-P was drinking beer... except his LDR girlfriend was moving in with him. His alcoholism was a problem BEFORE the "relationship" started. He'd wax nostalgic about bringing wine to class at the University of Virginia (this isn't fiction, of all places, http://www.yelp.com validated it);the first preceptorial he taught was off-campus, and centered on drinking wine (this was during the final D&D) MOST of his students wrote him off as an angry drunk. It was the final D&D when his mask of sobriety came off. His girlfriend, sad to say, struck me as an enabler. She'd drive him to work. Maybe she was as much a drunk as him. I think he drove home drunk from the senior skit, because he had been drinking beer... then he hit the road. My former Narc boss at least saw his alcoholism as a PROBLEM and had tried to remedy it. The ex-P didn't even bother getting help. Alcoholism exacerbates a PD. NPD is bad enough. Alcoholism is throwing fuel into the fire.
Jun 23 - 5AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Still the best song ever to

Still the best song ever to describe the shit that con men pull on us, its my favourite and her voice is simply devine. let the purging and healing begin TAKE A BOW by LEONA LEWIS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9ztc7UW_B8
Jun 23 - 5AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

well said Goldie, and all the

well said Goldie, and all the more powerful because you, and I, and all of us on here, have lived it. Screw what the scientists say about PD and how to handle them, if you dont mind my saying: most therapists, or mental health professionals, as they call themselves, know jackshit about these conmen. right on ! let the healing begin.
Jun 23 - 11PM (Reply to #18)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Exactly My Dear!!!

FNL, I have experienced and listened to your wisdom on here for close to a year now, and I KNOW YOU know your stuff. NO question. I have had countless High level insightful people now, tell me over the past several years that I have a strong voice and it is a voice of truth and that it is time I start using it; because I have a powerful message of truth to share and God put me on this earth to go through much suffering and survive INTACT!! So that I may be a VOICE and a vehicle for which others to be spared and so that I may offer to them comfort which only comes through personal experience as well as guidance which only come through devine support and devine intervention. I hear some of this coming through in your response to me and as a sister in this; May I offer to you, Foolednolonger, that this too may be a part of your truth as well. We as women have kept our voices quiet for way too long; The time has come for us to be silent no more. We need to speak our truth and GET IT OUT/Step 2, and hopefully in the process we will help other men and women to WAKE UP, Step 5, GET REAL,Step 4, LET IT GO, of the BULLSHIT RELATIONSHIPS (get out/NC, Step 3, VALUE ourselves more and become the strong, powerful, insightful women who GOD intended us to be and this INCLUDES not to allow ANY man or woman to BRING US DOWN, because it plays with our emotions, mind, bodies, and positvie energy flow and seriously: F, the next one who even tries to take me down, LOL!! You know what I mean? We are honest, hardworking, loving mothers, daughters, friends, coworkers, siblings, ect. who give completely with our hearts and souls. WE DESERVE, NOTHING short of exactly what we give out. WE will NOT settle for less. WE will not cast our pearls upon swine. WE will let go, shut out, and go NC on those who try to rob us of our natural healthy life's force and energy flow which keeps us safe and peaceful God bless FLN and all the rest of us, Goldie/Beth
Jun 24 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

dear Golie thank you my dear.

dear Goldie, thank you my dear for the compliment. I am determined to turn this into a positive, thats what I do. I used to run a course for women on finances and how they hand their power over. Im thinking about doing that again gathering a resource centre of great lawyers coaches etc to empower women. when I think of the day ive had today dragging around court offices and police offices trying to decide what to do about bills that arrive for him and tax demands I have no address to forward them to. Im tired of the rude lawyer woman today speaking to me about what to do like Im an idiot. talking down to me, just because my husband is a slimebucket and took off without arranging anything doesnt make me less intelligent. OK. Im pissed off and when I get pissed off I get creative , this Narc is about to have his ass roasted. anyway Goldie great advice sister we need to shake off this shit and shine! thats my plan love FNL x
Jun 22 - 5PM
djae
djae's picture

So True

XN was sober for 2.5 years after rehab. going to meetings everyday when he got out. He still lied and cheated with women from the AA group. Of cours he said they just needed his help and were nothing more than friends. LOL. I really wanted to believe him. Said he had a spititual awakening and was not the same person! YOu hit the nail right on the head with this one.
Jun 22 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thanks hon

They have a good con going on in the program. Friends, sober buddies, give me a break. What 45 year old married man or man with a gf needs to be hanging around with 20 year olds "after" the meeting to "talk." Do we look that stupid. Like I said to Michelle I could tell you years of stories and will stand by everything I say regarding this subject. I was hit on regularly from the time I was 18 years old and the majority of them were married or had girlfriends. I also have hundreds of stories from other women who experienced the same thing. It is sick and they keep their mouths shut about it, TO PROTECT THEIR SUPPLY!!!! Please don't kid yourself, if it looks like a duck it is a duck and if someone is really spiritually changed you would see a PROFOUND change in them, not just lip service. BILL WILSON, the founder of AA hit on women behind Lois's back in the program for years and several members left because of it, it was their little secret because most did not want his sick behaviors to jeopardize the program. Basically they are just substituting one addiction for another. Drug addiction for sex addiction. I am not saying every last one of them does it because I know of a few men who love their wives and would never cheat, however, many many many of them do. I have attended meetings all over the U.S. and Virgin Islands and it goes on at ALL of them. I even heard of guys going to meetings just to pick up girls, guys who are not even in the program. Once I read an article in Cosmo as a good place to find a guy, an AA meeting. What a joke. A good place to find a Narc/addict. Yippee, what an award winning combo. Good for you seeing the truth. I raised my hand on several occasions and spoke this truth and not too many of them had the balls to confront me after that, LOL!!! God bless, Goldie
Jun 22 - 10AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Goldie

You nailed this and so eloquently. Thank you for sharing your wisdom! Hugs!
Jun 22 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thanks Michelle

This is only through years of experience with these PD addicts. The stories I could tell you would curl your hair. Many of them were married and going to meetings like they were pillars of the community and sucking in new and old unsuspecting victims for the games they play. God bless, Goldie
Jun 22 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I bet they could...but please...

Don't curl my hair, it's already curly, kinky, frizzy and dry...could we maybe straigten it some?...LOL Big Hugs!
Jun 23 - 1AM (Reply to #14)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Alright, my dear, I will leave your hair alone

For additional details please see me on FB, PM, or email. Nothing a great new conditioner wouldn't help and maybe a new Manhatten hair cut and a fab new pair of killer earrings. Oh yes, let's do it. We'll all meet in NYC and have a night on the town. Last time I went to NYC with the Narc, he would not buy me Jack Shit and you know I had my eye on a few things. I liked those black stockings with the design, hot hot hot, and not for them, for my own sense of style. Also there was a shirt in the Armani Store I adored and Tiffany's was out of control. Screw the Narc, I will start saving up now; because after all, it is all about Goldie now. Sorry world (you may need to fend for yourselves for awhile), I am stepping up and stepping out!!! Maybe some of the other girls would like to meet up as well. It would be a blast. Let's plan on it, who is in??? God bless, Goldie
Jun 22 - 7AM
badjer
badjer's picture

I completely agree. Group

I completely agree. Group hug and love to you XXX
Jun 22 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thank you and a big hug back at you

Goldie
Jun 22 - 6AM
dolphingirl
dolphingirl's picture

Wow, thank you

I needed to hear this, especially today, you laid it out exactly as it is. God bless you for your clairity and honesty XO
Jun 22 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thank you

God bless, Goldie
Jun 21 - 10PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Don't forget Soul-less

Thank you for this Goldie. The truth can be hard to hear, but I know you have spoken it here. I know it in my bones
Jun 22 - 9AM (Reply to #1)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Oh, of course Soulless

Sorry, forgot that one. "The truth will set you free" it is the lies and deception which bind and corrupt. Our own denial is the issue for us; never mind theirs which is huge. We need to wake up and smell the coffee and shut the door to "watching their lips moving with the nonstop barrage of lies." God bless, Goldie
Jun 22 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Bizzeemom04
Bizzeemom04's picture

Cognitive Dissonance to the Umpth degree here.

I have been married for less than a year to a textbook Narc. There is no doubt in my mind about this. He was a raging alcoholic before I met him and had a 10 year extremely abusive relationship with a woman. She left him 8 years ago. I recently found her and even spoke with her. So grateful she was willing to share some of her painful stories. I guess where I am stuck is that he is no longer a raging alcoholic. After she left him he went to AA and kept a very detailed journal for nearly 124 days of sobriety. I read his pain and he stated that he knew something was wrong with him, but he did not know how to fix it. It honestly seems that he was trying. He went on to be single (I use that term loosely) for the next 7 years and then found me. He has admitted to having a drink of beer here and there just because he likes the taste of it. He also smokes marijuana (he has a medical license). As I type this I feel completely stupid. But, I do still wonder if I am being unkind by preparing to divorce him without his knowing? He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me...pretty much from day #1. I rationalized everything. I know the mistakes I made. He has not been physical to me but he has kicked in our bedroom door and thrown an object or two. The woman I spoke with has scars on her face from him. I have been told by several that physical violence will be inevitable. To be honest...if he hit me once...I know I could move forward. Has anyone ever felt insecure about moving forward when they receive the information that I have via this site, good friends and endless internet searches? What is wrong with me...why can't I take the first step to end it all? I am not dependent on him for money, housing or anything! We do not have children together. I guess it's hard for me to "kick" him out. Help.
Jun 23 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Wow, that is a powerful story Bizz

I believe he still has you caught in the abuse cycle, and most likely in a trauma bond. http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm http://ptsdme.blogspot.com/2005/11/trauma-bonds-or-betrayal-bonds.html There are many good links to these sites any many more on these subjects. Check it out and see if this fits anywhere for you. We can become stuck and need to build up our confidence and begin to become deprogrammed in order to walk away with empowerment, conviction, and maybe even some joy when you are ready. Joy that you are making a decision which you sound like you know in your heart is the right one. Doing what is best for your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well being. Keep reading, and sharing and your truth and solutions will come to you when you are ready. I will keep you in my prayers while you sort this out and feel free to ask whatever comes to your mind in beginning the letting go process and try to let go of this guilt because it serves no purpose; you did nothing wrong, you were responding to and abusive man and you deserve much better than this. God bless, Goldie
Jun 24 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Bizzeemom04
Bizzeemom04's picture

Thank you...

For your kind words and support. I was wavering quite a bit, but am continuing to move forward. My counselor feels that he is a sociopath due to his criminal behavior. I have been given so many gifts via friends, books, information that I can no longer deny reality. I guess the good news is that he continues to be true to form. Just when I get that "soft spot" back in my heart...he does something that whips my head around. I can't tell you how helpful reading all of the links and information out there is. I am so lucky to receive this info so early on in my marriage. I have no doubt that I would be scarred as well if this was to continue on for another 5 to 10 years. He's already done so much in the first year of marriage (and 6 month online courtship prior). Must keep moving forward. Bless all of you. I am stunned that there are so many women going through the same thing. It actually hurts my heart and makes me feel that I will never trust another man again. But, I need to find me now. I was the perfect vulnerable target for my Narc. It is time for me to learn boundaries and empower myself with more knowledge and truth. And hopefully, I will be able to help another...
Jun 22 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Hi Bizzeemom. You are in

Hi Bizzeemom. You are in love and trying desperately not to be.......we all are. You mentioned that the last woman has physical scars on her face.......consider them a warning and be grateful that you were shown before it happens to you! You are blessed with a crystal ball in your hands. Take what you are seeing very seriously!
Jun 22 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Bizzeemom04
Bizzeemom04's picture

Thank you...

Thank you Sparrow. I do feel lucky to have this information so early on. Several of my friends were not as lucky. I still doubt...but keep reading this site and informing myself more everyday. And...he ALWAYS shows his true colors nearly everyday. So WHAT am I waiting for???