Please help quickly, HE IS HERE !!! Hunter was right!

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#1 Jun 5 - 1PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Please help quickly, HE IS HERE !!! Hunter was right!

I hope most of you know my story about him moving away 11 months ago and abandoning me after 10 years as GF. He just CALLED me on my cell for the first time since Sept. I was expecting a friend to call so I did not check the number before saying hello.
We spoke of the deaths and i thought he was back East. But he is here!!! Down the street one mile! He wants to see me.
I told him I was not sure if that was a good idea...and asked for me keys back. But honestly, we had a friendly conversation at which point I told him I think we are both crazy.
He said why? I said for never discussing our break up...
He is here because there is a law suit over a death in his family and he has to testify...
He is laughing and does not seem to realize he broke my heart...
I said I did not know if it was a good idea to see each other in person, that it might be too emotional and we might still be attracted to each other..
He said do you want me to just drop a bag on your steps with your stuff?
We agreed to talk again later today...I was NOT able to say NO, FUCK OFF, you hurt me blah blah...
I feel like I manifested him by thinking about him too much. I have about 6 hours to get myself together before we talk again. I almost started crying on the phone, while he is full of good humor. He said he missed me - the whole time....
I will never respect myself again if we have sex and I KNOW he will want it. I have not kissed another man since last June when he dropped me to airport. I was in love...
Please talk TOUGH to me now... I still feel the pull toward him..Is he the devil?

Jun 9 - 8PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

update

I saw him, met at a restaurant, it went better than expected as far as no big drama ( and exactly as expected: friendly with no real closure - he had zero insight into what happened) and I got my things back. We were at a gorgeous waterfront place and he bought me drinks and dinner - I decided to just relax about this whole freaking thing...I was very nervous for a few minutes before I met him and for a few minutes when I first saw him. I hope I do not emotionally crash after he leaves tomorrow - I am extremely busy with work and preparing to go to a funeral then on vacation... Flying back and forth across the country twice in a week ( not looking forward to it with a bad back..). My sister is doing very well (the one who lost her husband...) and I will be glad to see her. I obviously cannot talk with her about this.. Right now I am glad that we met - it took some of the fear and craziness out of the break up but we will see how I fare after vacation ends and I am back here alone... Neither he nor I are loud fighters so there was no real heat - no big tears and honestly, though we had a totally dysfunctional rel., we were happy to see each other's face. I asked the questions I wanted and did not play any games (not that he can answer anything). He also is letting himself get fat (hard to do with his body type but he does zero exercise...). Had I met him now, I would not have been attracted but I still was because when you love someone you do not care if they look bad. Hope you all continue to support me - we did not have sex, we did not say we are getting back together but despite all I learned about Narcs, I think he does care for me in his primitive neanderthal way - not saying this is the type of love I want or deserve, but just being honest - after all the hell he put me through I do care for him and am glad he is doing better professionally - the move was good for him and bad for me... I have counseling on Sat to try to figure out how I feel as this of course opened the door to future contact - and that is because neither of us wants to say good bye - he has no GF there, does not want one..He is not with the FB lady from Dec but that does not mean anything other than he is just playing the field getting laid. He may forget all about this trip home to see family, dog and me quickly. I hope I can have zero expectations. I am looking at cheap property on vacation and may move - this startled him as I guess he thinks I will just be here waiting for him! Please stand behind me as I process everything. Neither he nor I thought the meeting would go so well...I guess it is because we got along well when together - we broke up but are still the same people...I am stronger now though...I hope!
Jun 9 - 8PM (Reply to #72)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Of course we will all

Of course we will all continue to support you. That's what this is all about. This is a painful process to go through and nobody knows like we do. This isn't about judgment or control. When people here tell us to go and stay NC it's because they/we are looking out for each other. We know how hard it is and that's why we need the support of everyone because we can't do it on our own. You have a long history with this man and I can't even imagine that kind of loss. Someone who has been a major part of your life who just up and leaves. And leaves you hanging. Honestly, I feel your pain, and now I'm crying. It's just all so fucked up. People aren't supposed to act and treat others this way. Big hugs to you. XoXoXo Smitten
Jun 9 - 9PM (Reply to #73)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

thank you smitten kitten

I did love him alot and I cried a little bit but joked it off and put my sun glasses on. He seemed really relieved to see me (I guess its like old family) and really relieved I did not tear him a new ___. We ain't young, he lacks the skills to have deep conversation and he is in middle of lawsuit over his dead sister - really no point in hassling as it would be a waste of energy and accomplish nothing. Of course he was attracted to me too but I think he respected that I did not want sex since we are not together...Plus, one of his strong points is being gentlemanly in that dept, never forced sex... I said I some pretty direct stuff about STDs... Thank god I could resist the romantic pull toward him as it felt EXACTLY the same 11 months later...The important thing is for me to never feel like a door mat again... I know this sounds a bit pathetic but I think he was proud that he was able to treat me to a nice dinner now that he is working again...the whole thing is sad. He says he thinks about me before he goes to sleep at night and was glad the few times I broke contact... WE HAVE ALL BEEN EXPOSED TO CRAZY MAKING!!! So then why did he never call back?? A man on this site really told me like it was...I am familiar supply and he needed a hometown hit...believe me, I do not expect a turnaround or marriage proposal...but, I do love him, empty shell and all...
Jun 9 - 9PM (Reply to #74)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

"...but, I do love him, empty

"...but, I do love him, empty shell and all..." I know exactly how you feel.
Jun 8 - 5PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

tell him to F O, in your

tell him to F O, in your mind of course, ,if you see him you will go backward guarenteed. let him drop your stuff somewhere you pick it up later.
Jun 8 - 3PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

fun and games over

He just called me totally stressed out about everything in his life sounding like a completely different person from yesterday...He is not laughing and joking anymore...the reality seems to have hit about his sister's death, the mess he left with me, his house and everything... He is going to return my things. I will let him know later whether to drop them or meet somewhere to talk. He went from tee hee about everything to absolutely miserable. I believe he is now dreading facing me... I have to work today - if he sounds this bad after work, I won't meet him as it would only depress me if he is cold and mean. He flips back and forth from kind and sweet to this...
Jun 8 - 10AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

He did call later

He changed his ticket and extended his stay for a few days. But not for me really for a party. He said he was sorry "if" I hurt you but really showed no remorse. He is just excited to be home. He was born here and is a big home boy. He is not at all desperate to see me, I am the only one freaking out. He was still just joking around and called after 10 while downtown drinking with the guys. Nothing has changed. I am last on his list. Talking was not upsetting, it helps me feel Less crazy about the silent break up and realize he absolutely cannot change. There is a bond but that does not mean trying to make something of it. At first he said I am coming over but I said no. If we meet it will be in public place. His career is taking off there and that is his priority not a GF. Women just for fun, games, sex...I will probably hear from hiim but I can tell there is no love there, no big fake romantic reunion. I feel stronger and more grounder from the reality...I do care for him but the fantasy is past... Yes, I wanted to hug and kiss him but I have come to my senses. He really is just a big kid, happy to be home and play with friends til he runs off... He leaves Friday now...
Jun 8 - 6AM
jen79
jen79's picture

you didnt manifest him

Cause if that would be possible, I would have seen mine the last 2 years all the time. Dont go to see him! You know why.
Jun 7 - 11PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

He never called back

i sent a stupid text Mon night - its 10:00 Tues night. I am devastated from almost but not seeing him... I am sure dalliances with female problems pale to a multi-million dollar lawsuit... Hope everyone here learns from my mistakes... I feel rejected all over again - he is one minute away and we have been apart almost a year. Oh and I never got my stuff back either. I thought maybe I would see it dumped here but no. Good night and thank you for supporting me. I am glad to have your wise counsel more than you know - really thank you for being kind to me. I am irrationally still in love with him - it would have been a disaster meeting - I would have cried alot. I think I scared him away by being real...which is not the fun supply he seeks. Oh well, I was honest.
Jun 8 - 7AM (Reply to #66)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

IFGI

Just another day in Narcville, Im sorry he hurt you again. Don't speak to him anymore. That's what happens. Hunter
Jun 8 - 6AM (Reply to #64)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

They are sick disordered freaks and this is only a game to them.

It hurts so bad because, YES, you were played. He came over to see if he still "had you" if you were still hooked. Once you fully understand that this is all a game to them and that it is about power and control; you no longer will have any desire to play into their hand. It hurts so bad because YOU were treating him like a "normal" person would. You acted real, sincere, and honest. He was role playing, he was trying to hook you again for his own amusement and what better way to hook someone than to throw you a bone and then just disappear. He knows this will get to you, he knows you, he knows exactly how to push your buttons. You are already defending him with the bit about how his law suit is more important than you. I had the most difficult time with this concept. That they live for supply and they have supply all over the place. We are just one of many and they like to know that their old supply is still stuck on them. What you did was perfectly natural, you talked with an old boyfriend and if this was a typical situation, you would have possibly had a few laughs, gotten some old feelings out, settled your past issues (getting your stuff, ect..) and felt some feelings and left each other in good shape. NOT the case with the PD, they are going to make damn sure that they don't keep their promises and leave you once again in a heap. WHY??? Because he is going through a hard time now, probably worse than you even know, probably trouble in paradise too, and what makes a Narc feel better when he is down???? Bingo, hurting someone else by sucking them in and discarding them. For some strange reason that we cannot relate to, this makes them feel powerful and important because they are small minded, petty, cruel, insecure, mutants. They don't operate as we do and once you truly "get this" you will not expect anything even resembling honest, caring, loving, feeling, dealings with them. Don't blame yourself for this, of course you wanted to see him, who wouldn't? Just understand, that you did nothing wrong, he is not right upstairs and never will be. You did not scare him away, he got the reaction that he was looking for, you still caring for him, his drug of choice, power over another, and moved on to something else. I know that sounds harsh and I am so sorry to say it. It happened to me countless times, when I would sit there all loving, weepy, and sweet and they just walked out like nothing happened. Don't beat yourself, you are a loving caring woman. I know what you mean about having to mourn him all over again, however, this time it won't be as bad because you probably already did most of it. Now is the time to mourn the death of the illusion of him, the death of what never could be, the death of the dream, the hopes, the pretending that he is someone who is is not and never will be. The realization that you were with a very sick man who does not have it to give. I am sorry you are going through this, I can feel your pain, I recently went through this and it was sad but not nearly as sad as when he first left, we get better in layers and levels and each time does get easier as we let down our denial systems about who they are and who they are not. I would not be surprised if he tries to throw you another bone because this is how the game is played, he will get you to the brink of dispair and then come riding in on his white horse knowing that you are so distraught now that you will gladly take the bait. DONT FALL FOR IT, ITS ALL PART OF THE GAME. God bless, Goldie
Jun 8 - 11AM (Reply to #65)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

thank you goldie

Yes, he quickly forgot the pain of his lawsuit and was out drinking with the boys. If he was desperate to see me, he would have called me to set up a meeting - instead he was desperate to be "seen" downtown as big man back in town. And then wanted to give me his drunken leftovers.... He was joking with same old lines to me that he always has said!!! I totally get that he does not, cannot love me. We are playing out the final acts...it is very sad. I will not be tossing our the 5 months of my intense study of Narcs for a roll in the hay with someone who barely acknowledges the years aor the abandonment. Also afraid of STDs. I did get checked last Fall after he left (not because i even knew we were broken up but just happened to...and I am ok). I am a romantic fool but nature but self preservation is more important. Plus I am grossed out by his choice in women although any new GF would be a deal breaker. No way will I give it up and send him back to his bar flies... I guess it is kind of pitiful but I need to go through this...I hope I can totally let go....
Jun 8 - 6AM (Reply to #63)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Of course, he didn't call back!

He called you, wanted to see you immediately, for his own gratification because he had time & was bored that minute. BUT, you prevaricated, hemmed & hawed, mentioned "issues" such as YOUR FEELINGS & YOUR PAINS. His radar went off & said: "Dude, this is gonna be complicated. She's gonna wanna like talk. It's gonna get messy. It ain't gonna be a quick slam, bam, thank you ma'am. In fact, maybe no nookie because she's gonna cry & want you to get all warm & fuzzy." And that's that. No show. As for your stuff. A ploy to get you to relent. If he's so busy with a lawsuit, how come he's got your stuff in hand? Honey, it's all about him.
Jun 8 - 3AM (Reply to #62)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ifnallygotit

I know this is hard, and the whole forum rallied to your "rescue" and tried their best to rally around you and you know what? I think everything happened EXACTLY the way it should have *except for the part with you not getting your things* NONETHELESS, sometimes we have to go through a little more pain to fully realize what the reality is. You spent a LONG time with this man, it has to take some time to heal. EVEN MORE SO, given the way he just abruptly abandoned you. I think that even if this was the most amicable of separations, given the time invested, you'd still be healing but under the circumstances, they were traumatic to say the least and a very brutal betrayal. Go easy on yourself - we're not perfect, we're human, we have feelings, this is all unresolved business and the mind alone fights to find some kind of rationale...that is a natural process...that is a normal process and so you are just acting out fighting CD...and it takes a while to lift. Keep sharing, the more you purge the less it overwhelms you and it's not stuck inside...eventually, even if you want to hold on to anger, sadness, whatever...eventually you just get TIRED of it, and that for me was the "pivotal" moment so to speak. He's not out of my head YET and August will be a year, but he in no way still occupies the same "plush" accomodations he enjoyed in there - trust me. It will take time...but we're all here for you and do not beat yourself up...He's the loser - not you! Hugs!
Jun 7 - 11AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

this is not good

I sent him a text last night babying him about lawsuit and the terrible memories it will bring up for him losing his sister...and worse yet, said "Yes, I miss you". When we talked on Sunday he asked if I missed him and I said I missed the dog (which is true). He said he missed me but I could not say it to him - now that he is ignoring me I am pulled right back into reaching out. This is crazy and I hope these days pass quickly. Just made a counseling appmt... I know you all want me to NC and hate him and see him as evil but I can only let go as fast as I can...and I doubt I will ever hate him. wondering if I will ever feel normal again...
Jun 7 - 1PM (Reply to #60)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

You don't need to hate him.

You don't need to hate him. You just need to love yourself, and make your healing a priority. It takes time. I wouldn't have said I miss you though!!!! Oy vay! :P What did he say when you said that?
Jun 6 - 10PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Not doing well

He has not called back and is one minute down street. He is dealing with a difficult law suit, malpractice filed by family after death of his sister - I think he forgot about me again. He leaves Wed. Luckily I am super busy on Tuesday until 7:30... I do think I will hear from him because he has my stuff...and already said I can get my keys back... I am getting ungrounded....almost like him, sort of starting to connect with the pleasat memories and forgetting year of helll...this has got to be addiction because I am not crazy.. Where is my anger?? why won't it come? I just want peace and no more heartache - no desire anymore to get even (i had revenge fantasies this winter - I could take him down if I wanted to but I don't want to). Just sad they are so damaged, I so wish it was different, so sad. it really does not matter what happens in next few days - nothing can erase what happened. I would like an apology, even if its a lie
Jun 7 - 11AM (Reply to #55)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

We don't hate him

We hate the pain you're going to feel when you're right back to square one in your recovery.
Jun 7 - 12PM (Reply to #56)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

pain

yep, pain already back - luckily have a busy day today- that phone call almost felt like the dead arose from the grave... I really did not see it coming... I do think they are lucky NOT to love deeply and to be able to frollick off... wish I could... wish I had not sent text letting him know I care, even tho he already knows...
Jun 7 - 12PM (Reply to #57)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Caution Big Pain Ahead

At some point we finally get it, but sometimes we let ourselves get sucked back in. I am a man, and I have no emotional involvement in your situation except I can see your are extremely vulnerable. He is your drug. You are addicted. After your busy day drive far away tonight to some friends house and camp til he is on a plane outa there. He will use you and throw you away all over again. Think it through...will it feel better or worse after he has his way with you. He is not going to magically "awaken" and become your soulmate. You know better Pray to God to be restored to sanity right f'ing now. Be our demonstration of what we all talk about here. We cyber strangers on this site love you more than he does. One more drink won't fix an alcoholic- and one more contact with your x narc won't fix you. Chris
Jun 7 - 12PM (Reply to #58)
spinning
spinning's picture

This is so good and true, Chris...

...ifinallygotit, we have been with you. He has not. He has abandoned you as if you never existed. You gave this person 10 years...does he really get to have more at no charge? The D & D's just feel worse each time. Because they are worse. He will go back to where he was and the silence will be deafening. Choose yourself. This person brings you nothing good. I hope this doesn't sound mean. I just don't want you to do what I did...let him back in for another round of pure HELL and then a discard that almost KILLED ME. Please look out for yourself. Choose your life. Choose to stop the torture and pain. When I finally let go, great things started happening...including meeting a really great, nice, HOT guy (I'm 53!!!) and having a lot of fun. Joy is out there and it's way better than pain! Good luck and please take care. Hugs from, (not) spinning. I REJECT ALL FORMS OF CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE LIGHT!!!

spinning

Jun 7 - 5AM (Reply to #52)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

ifinallygotit

I am sure we would ALL like an apology , I spent 15 years off and on with mine and sent him a few letters and postcards and did not get a reply back in any shape or form ALL of us here do NOT exist for these men or women.He left a bunch of his crap at my place 2 years ago and never picked it up, you may not get your stuff back. It sounds like you still cling to hope he will be different,I did for a very long time, and finally I let go of the damaged man, anyone who writes me that they will get me for stalking if i come onto his property is deranged and a shell of a man.
Jun 8 - 7AM (Reply to #53)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

That woke me up!

I was told that if I went Back to the house to get mine or the babies things I would be arrested for trespassing. Your right, only deranged people act like that.
Jun 8 - 7AM (Reply to #54)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Little One

Oops. forgot to add he said also he would add trespassing to the charges besides stalking, thats for stepping foot on his property.If that is not NUTS, I do not know what is!?????My reasoning is because he cannot look me in the eye, he carries HUGE guilt as to what he did to me on a very subconsciouse level.............
Jun 6 - 4PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

you want TOUGH ? well here

you want TOUGH ? well here it is. Why do you want to see his stinking face, it will set you back.. If you go too close to the devils cave, or if you venture anywhere near there, he will pull you in and devour you and spit you out... DONT GO IGNORE< IGNORE< IGNORE ...
Jun 6 - 11AM
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

IFinallygotit

I'm at the other end of the spectrum, covert narc wise. I am using the same veiling techniques the internet provides to rock his world. He has no idea what's in store. He is basically offering himself up as a blood sacrifice to his own callous cruelty. This bait hook and switch, which had me in turns exhilarated, anxious, and finally devastated is going to be revisited on HIM. Maybe I should let it go...but it's such a great idea for a novel and I do so want to give him a taste of his own medicine. He will never pull a covert job on ANYONE again. I understand cons. I STUDY them. It just shows that no matter how clever intelligent a narc is, their ego always distorts reality for them, rendering them vulnerable. I have never been a lying scumbag before, but I am going to make this exception just once in my life. I want his ass and not in the way I used to! Good luck with your creature, IFGI. He may be pathetic and limited, but he knows right from wrong and what he did to you he KNOWS is wrong. He just doesn't care. He's not a man, I wouldn't dignify him by calling him an animal. "Creature" has just the right kind of ectoplasmic, oozing out of the walls yuk feel to it to be somewhat appropriate.
Jun 6 - 5PM (Reply to #48)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

I learned to lie too with my covert narc

After my D&D one thing I was determined to do was not to let him see how much he hurt me and continued to hurt me. Just a feeling that I had that I had better not expose my tender underbelly to him. So right from the D&D, I cursed at him, spat at him, took money from him, i laughed, mocked, insulted and savaged him right back. I was meaner than crabgrass to him. I never at any time hinted I was even remotely vulnerable to him! Did it pay off, I think it did. Going on 4 months (yeah a little early I know since he has an OW for supply), I've never been hoovered, and his attempts to hurt and torment me have been of short duration. He ended up running away like a terrified rabbitt - hahaha, I was a bitch on wheels as far as he was concerned. He abandoned his website, and has been quiet as a mouse ever since. Not a peep from him! It'll stay that way too if he knows what's good for him!
Jun 6 - 5PM (Reply to #49)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Fake it till you make it

What's interesting is that the girlfriend brought about the major change. During the final D&D, the ex-Psych prof had me broken down, weeping, I'd be sobbing all over campus... and he was claiming that I was sexually harassing him(since when was asking him about his father sexual?) He had seen how much hurt me... But when I met his live-in girlfriend, I was calm, poised, my tears had dried... I treated her with kindness&respect. The ex-P didn't even bother introducing her to his colleagues... he went running down the stairs like a scared rabbit. When the senior skit (a tradition, it parodies the professors) mocked him... he went running down the stairs like a scared rabbit. The ex-P was more scared of me when I was nice than when I was angry... if I had cursed, spat&took money from him...it would've given him a major hard-on. So I had to be beyond covert. If I had savaged him, he would've enjoyed it. But whenever I ridiculed him, THEN he ran like a "terrified rabbit" (to quote you) What he HATED and was SCARED of-was seeing me happy. I used that to my exquisite advantage. If I was angry, jealous, weepy-then he was onto me like a cat onto a mouse. No wonder, when I broke NC, I took *ADVANTAGE* of the fact that his father's real name&my brother in-law's real name happen to be the same... that I have family in Massachusetts... and using his real name pissed him off without fail. Turns out that a combination of my HAPPINESS, some humor (at his expense) is my weapon of choice.
Jun 6 - 10AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I'm not going to talk tough...

but I am going to share that I am where you will be if you let him back in. I also was unable to tell Mr. N "No" when he hinted at coming back. I realize that had I been stronger and able to say it then, I would have been sad but able to move on. Now that he is back, it is very clear that he does not care about me at all, he only cares about getting his needs met. I know I am being used and that is the hardest pill to swallow. As sweet as your exN is talking now...the D&D is inevitable and chances are it will come quicker and with more evil behind it. These guys DO NOT CHANGE!!! They simply change their tactics to lure you back.
Jun 6 - 9AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

ifinallygotit

If you seem him you will regret it... trust me. Don't see or talk to him. It's only going to cause you pain.