How many of you were dumped and NEVER contacted again?

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#1 May 17 - 11PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

How many of you were dumped and NEVER contacted again?

I am just curious to know how many of us have NOT been hoovered? My ex N contacted me only once after D&D five months ago, and that was to send an email to me on FB when another man on FB gave me attention for a nice photo I had up. I practically predicted it. But after that...I was the one to contact him the few times I did. G-d does this hurt, OMG!! To know they have COMPLETELY forgotten you, never think of you. It's unfathomable. Anyone else have this experience? I appreciate your comments so much. Just so morose here with grief.

May 18 - 9PM
JLMNY1
JLMNY1's picture

My exN has not contacted me.

My exN has not contacted me. It's been almost 3 months since the D &D and 2 1/2 since I moved out. Two weeks after I moved, he sent me a two line email asking how I was doing. Then a week later he called me demanding I pay part of the cell bill, which I didn't. Since then, nothing. That was back in March. My exN always said he never chases anyone. That's only partially true, since he 100% chased and pursued me when we were first dating. But I don't expect to hear from him again. I've been NC, I have no desire to text/call. I don't care if I never see him again. He lives in a different city, and while we are from the same hometown, I don't expect to run into him here at home anytime soon. I'm 99% sure my exN is gone for good, and that's a good thing!
May 18 - 6PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I WISH!!!

I could have only been so lucky. Nope, every last one of them always came back to torture me some more. I had the pot head showing up for years until I D&D him so badly one day THAT curbed his appetite for a return visit. He actually got down on his hands and knees one day begging for me to take him back and professing his undying love for me whimpering like a little puppy dog. It was all I could do not to start laughing in his face. Then there was my son's father who came back for a repeat performance when he was in dire need of money. He did not get any though. Then there was the one with aspergers syndrome. He showed up again for years. What part of I don't want you in my life DON'T you get!!! Then of course the last one oxyboy. He was the worst. Came back over and over again. Do I have cash cow written on my forehead??? Or perhaps maggot magnet??? Whatever it is or was I am ready to LET GO of the ties which bind. I'm all set. Some think it is a blessing if they never come back and actually aside from the "brief" rush you get when they beg, the rest of it is just more of the same. Same shit different day!!! Welcome to my nightmare. So I guess I would prefer that they never came back. They all claim that it is because I am so unforgettable. I think it was more that I was a soft touch and actually listened to their bullshit. You can't give them and inch or they will take a mile. God bless, Goldie
May 18 - 4PM
dudette
dudette's picture

so far so good

Mine is a huge coward so with a bit of luck he will not hoover... He try to do it a bit by proxy in the beginning but I did not take the bait and went NC straight away.... But then again I dumped him and forbade him at that point to make any contact. When I went to the "hoovering" meeting my mind was already made up that I had had enough of his stupid behaviour. I had all his gifts in a bag ready to be returned and I had already blocked him on FB and email and deleted him from my phone....so it was unequivocal at that point.... I am fairly sure that it will be at least 10 years before he comes anywhere near me again.... Plenty of time to heal then.... suits me fine :-)
May 18 - 3PM
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

repeatedly left and crawled back

My exN Husband of 13 yrs repeatedly left for other women and always comes crawling back about 2 months later. Actually, now that I think about it, it is when I let go (don't call him, get busy, not even around when he picks up kids for a visit, don't ope or return emails etc.) THAT's when he re-enters. Oh I am inferior to him, and he doesn't want to take care of me/us, but he doesn't want someone else to have me either. Always paranoid about me being with another man, and I believe it is because he knows he controlled me with sex (it was good and never abused me in that way), and he doesn't want to give up the control. At any rate, when I discovered the sexting in his deleted text folder, and one of the OW informed me he NEVER had a wedding ring on at work (was taking it off as soon as he left in morning) I took him to counseling and of course he said I was Bi-polar and he had no issues. (Sooo typical.) I did get a "sorry" that was it. I decided that this pattern of abandonment/crawling back would continue and kicked him out. He has tried a number of tactics to come back, but no different than others on this site.
May 18 - 3PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Xnh dumped me. However, it's

Xnh dumped me. However, it's GETTING him to disappear that's my problem. Oh, how I wish he would completely forget about me! He's harassed me for an entire year (both at home and at work) after he told me he didn't love me or want to be married to me any longer. For someone that told me how I was "holding him back from living the life he 'deserves'", xnh certainly is a real Klingon. I can't seem to shake him completely off my a*s, no matter how hard I try. He's a real sticky turd. lol.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

May 18 - 11AM
curiositykat
curiositykat's picture

Got the disappearing act, too

My ex-narc just disappeared. We spoke on the phone one night, I asked him to call me the next evening, he gave me a terse 'okay', his phone then accidentally butt-dialed me, I called him back, he said bye...and that was over two months ago. After three weeks of calling and texting him everyday, I finally deleted my e-mail address and blocked his phone number. I am currently working on getting closure without ever really getting closure. The best way to get revenge on the fact that they "never think about us"? Never think about them!
May 18 - 11AM
JRB123
JRB123's picture

Not even dumped - just vanished!

Didn't even have the pleasure of being dumped. He just decided to stop talking to me. He put some cryptic stuff on facebook but whether that was about our situation or not - who knows?! I tried to contact him once but no response. Sadly we have to see each other but other than a forced ' Hello' he has never spoken to me. He has kind of hoovered as in talking to my friends, parking car outside my house or kind of waiting for me but then walking on when I catch up. Very strange.I think if I had been properly dumped it would have been easier to get over. Instead it was like I wasn't even worthy enough to be dumped!
May 18 - 9AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

pg

Your story is so similiar to mine. I knew mine young. He was only the 2nd guy I had ever had sex with. I too am married. Mine completely went silent on me and when he broke it it was to tell me he was gettin married. I don't think he is as I just read an article about his new business (which he got the idea when he was with me) anyway he referred to the ow as his gf not fiance gf and said meeting her was a life changing event. Those the exact words I told him that my husband said when he met me. They really are such copiers. After a couple of my friends read that article both said without a doubt that their comments made directed at me to make me insane with jealousy I mean this guy was on match.com in late september and he is opening a new business and engaged by march and the time frames in the article indicated he was with her while sending me I love you texts and I coming in novembr for a week to see u. If she's marrying him, I feel sorry for her. My point is here is an example they don't change because they CAN'T. This is what they are wired to do. It isn't personal. As long as I have known this guy he has picked a gf based on what she could do for him. Myself included. He's gone now as I have nothing to offer him. I live in a different city and we are in different lines of work and there is no way he can really benefit from an aliance w me. I'm way too much work with nothing to offer. So the pay off isn't there. I suspect that is the case with you. Now everytime I have thoughts of him I stop and say gettinbetter he is a psychopath! He just is. I can't deny it anymore. He is and I tell myself over and over. I don't care if he gets married. He is still a psychopath meeting the right woman at age 44 is not going to cure his psychopathy it won't. It just means he has found someone gullible enough to stick around for his abuse and allow him to appear normal. Pg I feel bad for you it sucks but the answer is yes they can dump you go on and never contact you again. They can do that because they don't attach to ANYONE. THEY ARE PSYCOPATHS. They have an outta sight outta mind way of thinking. You are maarried with children you are way too much work for him. Today I feel thankful he's not contacting me om finally working my way out of the vortex and you will too
May 18 - 9PM (Reply to #25)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Gettinbetter yes I am a

Gettinbetter yes I am a tremendous amount of work for him. The guy told me when he first reconnected with me that he wouldn't hook up with a woman who was more than 5 minutes away from him (although his Match.com profile says within 40 miles is acceptable...hmmm...40 miles in 5 minutes...he really MUST BE the devil!)
May 18 - 9AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

pg

Your story is so similiar to mine. I knew mine young. He was only the 2nd guy I had ever had sex with. I too am married. Mine completely went silent on me and when he broke it it was to tell me he was gettin married. I don't think he is as I just read an article about his new business (which he got the idea when he was with me) anyway he referred to the ow as his gf not fiance gf and said meeting her was a life changing event. Those the exact words I told him that my husband said when he met me. They really are such copiers. After a couple of my friends read that article both said without a doubt that their comments made directed at me to make me insane with jealousy I mean this guy was on match.com in late september and he is opening a new business and engaged by march and the time frames in the article indicated he was with her while sending me I love you texts and I coming in novembr for a week to see u. If she's marrying him, I feel sorry for her. My point is here is an example they don't change because they CAN'T. This is what they are wired to do. It isn't personal. As long as I have known this guy he has picked a gf based on what she could do for him. Myself included. He's gone now as I have nothing to offer him. I live in a different city and we are in different lines of work and there is no way he can really benefit from an aliance w me. I'm way too much work with nothing to offer. So the pay off isn't there. I suspect that is the case with you. Now everytime I have thoughts of him I stop and say gettinbetter he is a psychopath! He just is. I can't deny it anymore. He is and I tell myself over and over. I don't care if he gets married. He is still a psychopath meeting the right woman at age 44 is not going to cure his psychopathy it won't. It just means he has found someone gullible enough to stick around for his abuse and allow him to appear normal. Pg I feel bad for you it sucks but the answer is yes they can dump you go on and never contact you again. They can do that because they don't attach to ANYONE. THEY ARE PSYCOPATHS. They have an outta sight outta mind way of thinking. You are maarried with children you are way too much work for him. Today I feel thankful he's not contacting me om finally working my way out of the vortex and you will too
May 18 - 8AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Maybe because I did the final dumping

I left NM without telling anyone. Only my roommate knew. I didn't tell any of my classmates who were still in town... my friend in Colorado knew, but she was in Colorado. I didn't tell any of the professors I trusted, for fear it would get around. I've broken NC several times, but the ex-Psych prof has NEVER responded. Maybe his colleagues (who apparently had been calling him out on his bad behavior) or his parents (WHO LIVE WITH HIM) are the reasons why. And, of course, the ex-P is probably afraid of being used as an object of ridicule. He is a form of supply for comic fodder, NOT a man!
May 18 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Scoop posted " The Silent

Scoop posted " The Silent Treatment" read it. Silence = Peace, trust me! They never go away 100% Hunter
May 18 - 7AM
momoya
momoya's picture

raising hand :)

I was lied to by a married man and then he just - pooof- disappeared and we never spoke again. He couldn't face me it seems but really was just a lying cheater.

momoya

May 18 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

I was

dumped so many times i lost count and then he came back after a few months or so, and finally dumped me and moved away when we had been talking about moving together,all because i actually asked for equal treatment, the nerve of ME!!!
May 18 - 12AM
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

PG, I don't know

who dumped who. It's the most confusing breakup I ever had. He was being abusive and disrespectful, kept playing games withholding affection, then acting like we were together. He would breakup in the past as a way of controlling. I left, but the last week I was there he kept calling, so I guess he was hoovering. I don’t think he'll ever call me again. He knows I know who he is, as I was calling him out, said he was an abuser, a narcissist, a womanizer, and a misogynist (had to explain it). He then threw me under the bus with his character assassination of me, saying I was crazy, a liar, a nutjob, a whore, b*tch, c--t. I think he knows better than to ever contact me. I am all too happy NEVER to hear from him again. I think he'll remember me in some messed up narc fashion. I don't care what he thinks or says. It's all just rantings from a narc. I said things in self-defense. If he tries to convince his family with his lies, and they believe him, it just speaks volumes about them for not seeing the truth, and probably the reason he is a N to begin with. Best to you. ((Hugs))
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #16)
heritage
heritage's picture

caligirl

So true about the confusing breakup. I had to actually text him and say did you end our relationship and he said no your actions ended it. Cannot even fess up to ending it. He will never contact me again. He told me I was the worst thing that ever happened to him and he wished me all the best. Save it Narc. I told him about NPD. I detailed all the abuse and sent him an email. He kows I kow everything. He's a little coward. When he was devaluing me I was giving it right back to him and he didn't like it. He looks evil to me now. His eyes are squinty. He is sick.
May 18 - 9PM (Reply to #18)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

To clarify, my breakup was

To clarify, my breakup was equally as confusing. I found out about the indictments, started flipping out at his abusive general behavior, was shamed by having him make me introduce myself to the OW as his "friend" and then he ran after her outside of the bar, and when I just started freaking on him about all of the women he started to pull back big-time but not before SENDING ME PICS of the woman he was out with on New Year's Eve!! What??? I asked him if he was with the OW and he said no and to prove it, he sent me photos of who he WAS with! How fucking stupid can any one person be?! Then he just stopped asking to see me but kept calling a few times a week and was very brief and moody and said I love you at the end of the calls and that went on until i finally broke it off. And then he was furious when I defriended him on FB!
May 18 - 9AM (Reply to #17)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

dentalas

My ex always blamed me too for everything. I am still not sure why the d&d, if it was something I did...We were traveling together for his work and it was like up and down. He was very unpredictable. I also dished it back while he was devaluing. I never sent a final email, even though I really wanted to defend myself, detail the abuse, and tell him why I left (but of course that would be breaking NC and everyone says it doesn't matter what he thinks, etc). My ex has SO MANY SIGNS of a psychopath too, incl smirky eyes. I still see Mr. nice guy and get in denial, bc if I accepted it, why bother trying to deal with a guy who said he has ADHD and almost certainly has malignant NPD and psycopathy:( Yet, I loved this disordered individual so much bc I put up with things I would NEVER have before put up with. It is all so confusing. Today is not a good day. I'm feeling blue. Best,
May 17 - 11PM
solost
solost's picture

Raising hand

I was dumped and never contacted again, never hoovered. Yes to know that i am completely forgotten, never thought of (unless it's to say something negative about me to someone)is beyond words for me. I share your grief.
May 18 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

I am SO sorry. I was

I am SO sorry. I was contacted to tell me what I nice pic of me on FB was up and still miss you xoxoxo. At least I got that and I got other nice responses but ONLY when I contacted him. I know that if I had not made contact he would have just let it go like he is now.
May 18 - 12AM (Reply to #13)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

I am not sure they never think of us

Esp those of us that were with them for years and years - that stuff shared really gets in to your subconscious. But the point is, they either don't care or lack the skills to know what to do to ever set things right. You know, like say "sorry". I think they are terrified of our emotions. I think the last thing my x N wants is to have to face me and have a conversation about why he ran off and destroyed us. He did need a job, but um, never bother to break up or ever speak to a person again after 12 years? that is crazy and how do you apologize for it? they don't even know why they are so screwed up - they don't know they are image seekers. i once long ago joked with him about how important his image was (not knowing he was an N) and I remember her just looked at me and grinned, he did not deny it!
May 17 - 11PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Yes he stopped initiating contact

Only 6 weeks after his move, then only responded by text for 4 months, never spoke to me about breaking up, then posted a pic of him and new GF on FB and never texted or spoke to me again. I broke contact in March after 4 months of silence. He was very sad and extremely ashamed, but never apologized or ever contacted me again. I broke contact a few more pitiful times and he ignored it. He has a history of abandoning women after really bad things happen, he runs and never speaks to them again (he told me no old GF will ever speak to him again). the only difference with me is there was no problem between us before the move, but my understanding is that he can not face a woman after he behaves badly (wrecks their car, gets them pregnant, lies and runs off) because it deeply hurts his image of himself as a nice guy. Also, he has endless supply of new women (tall, charming ex-celeb) so he does not need the trouble of revisiting old supply and having to go through all that emotional turmoil of mending the past misdeeds. He is totally insulated from the normal consequences most people have to face, although one baby momma socked it to him and exposed him publicly years ago - but he did not change at all, just waited out the rough time to continue doing the same hurtful behaviors. The only change is that he stopped making babies...They really can block us out with booze, image seeking, new sex etc. They probably have little twinges here and there when something reminds them of us but I am sure they shake it off and do not dwell. Mine sounded totally devastated when we spoke so he does at least "get" that he did something bad. But I think they are only hurt for themselves...you know like when a kid is sad for being bad because he is going to get spanked for it - no depth...no real compassion...sorry for your hurt. They are freaky.
May 17 - 11PM
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

N's never forget

NEVER FEAR, N's never forget..he is just getting his NS elsewhere at the moment. When that supply dries up, he will be by to reuse and recycle you. He already knows you are easy easy prey, because you contact him, you leave him access to your profile, and HE knows you care. Trust me, when I kicked my husband to the curb, My ExN looked up every OW he cheated on me previously with (although I did a pretty good job burning bridges with many of them- proud of myself making him have to work that much harder to access NS) So if you can't wait to be reused and recycled again keep at it. But, I think you may want to love yourself a little more, forget that loser, or you might end up like me 13 years of marriage and two kids later and N is worse in behavior than when I met him. Do you want to end up middleaged and bitter like me? I didn't think so. Block the pathetic ASS, never contact him again. He WAS NOT the love of your life. Never will be the love of anyones life. Get in touch with your anger for the time and love he took from you under false prestenses and take up kick boxing
May 17 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

my new life thank you so much

my new life thank you so much for your caring response. I AM middle aged - will be 45 at the end of May. I am sick over my failing marriage and then this MF coming into my life again. No, I don't want to end up with him. I went and blocked him, not defriended, blocked, which I have not done before. I won't waste the money on the phone blocking but I don't think I have anything to worry about - I disagree with you about him trying to find NS with me again - he is absolutely handsome and women love him of all ages. He has NO problem finding great supply. That is what is killing me.
May 18 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

That is what I thought about my situation....

but he still came back. Just because these guys are attractive and can get lots of supply from women fawning over them, doesn't mean they want to have to put the effort into keeping the mask on for any period of time. That is why recycling is something that they do. They don't have to work as hard when they recycle.
May 18 - 11AM (Reply to #10)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

unless they have deep deep shame

i believe mine is too hurt and damaged to return to the crime scenes - he is too weak to face people he destroyed again - he never recycles - it would be too painful to his ego to face not being the nice guy he so wants the world to believe he is.. Mine does not go back and the women do not want him back...as a celeb he can run his game on fresh blood until he dies... I would be totally shocked if he tried to come back - he is in a different city getting huge public attention and has a new GF - I think he is on cloud 9 now... I guess if he got fired (which won't happen as he works for his best friend) he might return to this city but I plan to not live here much longer even though I have a business here.. Going from total lovers to strangers with no discussion after 10 years blew my mind... the finality of it blows my mind, the no chance to be friends in the future blows my mnd. That is what I wrestle with - I am dead to him. I heard his voice and shame in March... yes he sort of cares that he abandoned me but no skills or concern to apologize...or just say I hope you are doing well even though we broke up
May 18 - 12AM (Reply to #6)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

Sick isn't the word

More like disgusted over my failed marriage for me. But, you know what? It can only control us as much as we allow it. Yes, they took young years from us we can never get back, and destroyed everything we the N partner worked toward. They work toward nothing but immediate gratification. Yes, it would be easier on us if we were in our 30's to find another mate, but better now than in our 50's. I decided I will not permit a sick bastard like that destroy my whole life. He got 13 years, and not ONE DAY MORE! I have been going to the gym, losing weight and when he caught a rare glimpse of me last week I received a barrage of texts from him stating "you never looked that way for me." You know why I never looked that way for you, MF?? I didn't respond, but here is what I wanted to say: Let me tell you, because you didn't take care of my heart, I could not trust you, your mixed actions and signals created an UNSAFE UNHEALTHY environment, and your drama that you dragged into our relationship soaked up all of my "me time", and last (my favorite) because YOU WERE NOT WORTH IT, BUT I AM!! So, let's help each other get out of victim mode: Begin your journey, start taking better care of you. Workout, eat right, paint your nails, play with hair color or hair extensions, buy a new perfume, buy a new pair of high heels..and by the time you look like a million bucks from all the energy you invested into you..You won't even want that SOB anymore because you will have too many other offers to deal with. And after all, it is only fair to give everyone a chance at THIS!!!
May 18 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I'm in my 30s and I don't

I'm in my 30s and I don't know who I am anymore I use to be so strong and had so much drive. the N hated that about me and killed it I'm like a wandering lost mess looking, begging him , and wondering where is the person that I use to be. He tried hard the first time to "kill me" but it didn't work this time he finished me off. He is so pleased with himself. Now I'm trying to put the broken pieces back together again. I remember the first time and a few times the second time that I thought of suicide and that thought has never crossed my mind before. This is how I knew something is wrong. It was something wrong in my relationship when I'm mentally this weak. Everyone has a breaking point
May 18 - 2AM (Reply to #8)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Findingmeagain

They bring you so low i expect like me you didnt know that place exsisted . Its a terrible feeling where you feel emotionaly raped . Its like they sucked all the energy out of you ..like they have sucked youre very personality away , but they havent ,YOU are in there and in time you will come back but its a big long road and its time like theses you have to turn to others for help , gather family and trusted friends close to you , Lisa six steps are here for you as so are all of us . Sending you big hugs and energy this morning .. xxx
May 17 - 11PM
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

It's going on 2 yrs since I

It's going on 2 yrs since I heard from him. However last June is when I caught him driving by my house. I seriously doubt it was the first time. Don't think he has the balls to ever contact me and I pray he never does...and stops driving by my house when he isn't with his wife or son.