Having trouble accepting that he's an N

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#1 May 7 - 8PM
robot
robot's picture

Having trouble accepting that he's an N

The N in my life is currently in a D&D stage because I got too close to him earlier this week. I'm completely irrational because I still haven't come to terms with him being an N (I realized it three days ago). I can't wrap my mind around it and keep finding ways to justify his behavior. Like, he's ignoring me completely but I tell myself that's because I'm important to him. Like, if I were irrelevant, he wouldn't put so much energy into ignoring me.

I know that's completely insane! Can someone break it to me (gently or harshly) that I am not important to him and he's doing this because he's an empty shell of a person? I can't make myself believe it yet.

May 8 - 8PM
Ladydb123
Ladydb123's picture

Welcome Robot

I believe you were guided here for healing and support. As many others have mentioned, keep reading. You did nothing wrong like most of us. We just loved or cared about a Man we thought was a real person who had conscious and feelings, NOT. To me it's very sad for us and them, because they will never know what "Love" feels like. It's a loss just the same and we have to grieve the loss emotionally and sometimes with physical withdrawal and then find healthy ways to heal. You are not alone and it will take sometime. Hugs and Blessings are being sent your way
May 8 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Robot

Hello and Welcome, I just read your story, Im sorry, Stay here with us. We will help you. The only way to heal is to go complete No Contact. I've been here a while. I've felt your pain and made every mistake, only to learn, No Contact is the cure. It's important at the early stages you get very familiar with this disorder. The only cure is to cure yourself and move on. Yes, you are mourning a death, the death of the man you loved. I'm sorry but he is dead now, mourning is a must. This is an adventure and in the end you will see the light shining brighter than before. Hugs Hunter
May 8 - 2PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

robot

you are only an object to him, maybe sex or otherwise, sorry for the bad news, spent 15 years to find that out./He ignores you to control you mean bastards, they do not know love because love doesn't ignore you but talks things out and communicates, something he is incapable of .......
May 8 - 6AM
carol24
carol24's picture

Trust your instincts.

Robot, One of the things that they are very good at doing is making you doubt yourself. They manipulate things to make everything around you seem so uncertain and they do this in order to keep control over you. They can make you question things so much that in the end they are telling you what to think, which makes them indispensable. I know I totally lost confidence in my own judgement when I was with mine and it took me a long time to get it back after we broke up. I think this is partly what makes it so difficult at first to accept what they really are. You have probably felt for some time that things were "not right" but they are experts at convincing us that it's our problem/fault and not theirs. Also, it's not an easy thing to come to terms with because it means admitting that the person you love isn't who you thought they were and that's a lot to take in. It's such a shock to the system that it's almost easier to hope that you've got it wrong than to admit the truth. I know I stayed in denial for a long time, even when the evidence was overwhelming. You have to realise that you have been brainwashed by him and now you need to de-programme yourself and learn to trust what your instincts are telling you, that there is something wrong with him. I reccommend reading Lisa's article on D & D: http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/03/17/why-narcissist-inevitably-devalues-discards-dd-you If things are jumping out at you when you read this that remind you of your situation then you know you can't be wrong. Keep in touch with us whenever you need to. xxx
May 8 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
robot
robot's picture

Thank you so much! It's so

Thank you so much! It's so disconcerting to realize how much I was brainwashed by that guy. I'm glad I finally figured it out, though, even it if takes me some time to work through it. I'm so happy I found this forum so I can come here when I start thinking he might not be that bad. Thanks again! Good luck to you :)
May 7 - 11PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Robot

Welcome to the forum...I am sorry you are going through a tuff time. If it is any comfort, I note you have expressed you've read some on Narcissism. It is a shock and what you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. It's not a normal break-up NO, not many understand unless they've been through it, I got myself a nice case of PTSD early on, and the man never laid a finger on me. I felt as if I had been left for dead like roadkill and this man moved on without skipping a beat. There is light at the end of the tunnel - the first part is educating yourself on what this is and repition will be key...it has nothing to do with being in denial, more so than the "human" empathetic brain literally not being able to comprehend - it's called cognitive dissonance. Lisa has written some wonderful articles. In the steps she's outlined, the first three are what will get you over the hurdle and I suggest you do a lot of purging to get this out of your system even though you are NC. Work the steps, for me, it took a very long time, but I personally believe that it's not about rushing through anything more so than really getting to the root of things and that will take time because you've been in an abnormal relationship...shock, trauma a lot of fluctuating of emotions, it will be a wild ride for sure, but this board has been instrumental in my healing. My story is posted, it's a ways down but it's there, and I am feeling much better although I still consider myself still in recovery. This is not for the faint of heart, as time goes by the intensity of emotions and the "shock" will dissipate, but it is a process if you really want this baby put to bed...they have said it takes about eighteen months to fully recover, that of course will depend on certain factors - it is an estimate but this is now about a journey back to the self and there is nothing you could say here that would shock or surprise us, and the members here are a strong, resiliant, empowered group that have each contributed and still have an impact on my healing. Continue to read everything you can, and get it all out. It does seem that this man is disordered and harmful and I encourage you to continue NC and stick to the forum. Warm hugs and welcome again.
May 8 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
robot
robot's picture

"I got myself a nice case of

"I got myself a nice case of PTSD early on, and the man never laid a finger on me" I'm so sorry that happened to you! You're right, it's not a normal breakup at all. No wonder we feel ill-equipped to function after we learn what they are. And you're absolutely right about the cognitive dissonance. It's much more than denial, like you said. I sometimes literally cannot comprehend it. Last night I started shaking and felt anxious when I was thinking about some of the more unsettling comments he's made to me recently. A few days ago we were talking about how he doesn't take naps and he 'jokingly' said "I hope you take an eternal nap." Knowing that he probably meant it makes me feel sick. Anyway, thanks for your support. I'll be back here often as I try to get through this.
May 7 - 9PM
Steph
Steph's picture

robot

I know you must feel NUMB and like a ROBOT now.....but that more accurately describes HIM. He has projeceted his BS on you. I just read your story. He would captivate you with his charm and wit.....and then ignore you. Classic N. He admitted to "hating" everyone and having "no feelings" and "no friends". Yup. Classic as well.... whether this a real self admission, or a ploy to gain your symapthy. How you saw his "lack of empathy" and a friend confirmed this realization about him....yet, another red flag. You are NOT "stupid". You have been brainwashed and you are a victim. You are in good hands here. Everyone here can relate to what you have been through. The emotional turmoil, confusion and all. The ladies here are amazing and "get it" and are here for you through this madness. Thanks for sharing your story. It takes courage to do so. Keep reading. It IS hard to accept what they truley are....but it is NOT impossible to recover from this unfair situation you have found yourself in. Hang in there! We are all here for you! xoxo
May 7 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
robot
robot's picture

<3

Thank you so much! I need to hear this. I spent most of the day trying to tell myself that he's not a narc. After posting here, I feel a thousand times better. I deleted him from my phone and am giving NC a shot.
May 7 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Steph
Steph's picture

robot

Glad to hear! I am so happy you are giving NC a shot....because honestly, I'm not a shrink but.... he WREAKS of NARC! I think NC will serve you well:) xoxo
May 7 - 8PM
heritage
heritage's picture

what do you do about forced

what do you do about forced anal sex and he's claiming it's an accident? He knew I never would do it. Discusseed it several times a week. I'm ashamed.
May 7 - 8PM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

robot

Welcome!! I'm so glad you found this site. It is a LIFE-SAVER!!! How long have you been with the Narc? What kind of Narc traits does he have? If he is truly a Narc he is ignoring you for many reasons and because you are important to him is not one of them! I know it's hard to hear and accept but if he's a Narc then you have to accept it NOW. Let me know when you post your story! Stay strong! Sara
May 7 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Robot

I found your story and YES he's a Narc! I promise you that it will be easier for you to recover if you accept it now. He's ignoring you because he CAN and because it's part of the mind game that keeps you hanging on. It's a control thing! I know this is hard but you've found the right place! Don't try to speak to him anymore if you see him, don't text, call, or email! Take the control back! NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to survive D&D with a Narc! NC will save you sanity!!
May 7 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
robot
robot's picture

Thank you. It really really

Thank you. It really really helps to hear from people who have gone through this. I'll give the NC a shot and keep reminding myself that this isn't about me, in the end.
May 7 - 8PM
rew72
rew72's picture

robot

You are about to get a lot of replies. Believe me. Have you written your story yet? When you write out everything that has happened, it is hard to deny. DO NOT blame your self or find fault when you write it. Just be factual and you will see it in front of you. I struggled that my exN really had this disorder and that a person could be this way. Read and research - knowledge truly is power in this arena. You have to accept it before you can begin to heal. Please reach out to others on here as you go through this very beginning phase. It can be a huge support. So sorry you are going through this.
May 7 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

Acceptance was the hardest

Acceptance was the hardest part for me. I wrote a journal of the nasty things he did to me. When I read over it, I realize no normal person could do that stuff on and on for 20 years. No remorse or guilt. He would use the silent treatment on me a week at a time(or more). When I would ask him what was wrong, he'd say nothing. He has ignored me, neglected me and used me for his last time. I have cried for the innocent 20 something girl I was. Someone told me early in my recovery that it doesnt matter if he is a narc, he treated you badly. Sooo, he has to go. For me, I had to learn to make it about me. When I did, it didnt matter what label he needs, I deserve better.
May 7 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
robot
robot's picture

Thank you for your response!

Thank you for your response! It helps to know that there are other people who have gone through this. My close friends don't understand at all, so this forum is already a lifesaver. I wrote it out in the Share Your Story thread, and it's obvious that he is an N. Without a doubt. Every article I've read makes it clear, too, because every article describes him perfectly. I guess it will just take time for me to really accept it and stop thinking I can change him.
May 8 - 5AM (Reply to #3)
fear for my sanity
fear for my sanity's picture

Hi robot and welcome!

I've only been a member of this forum for a few weeks but it has helped me so much, especially in knowing that I am not alone and that I am not the crazy one. Looking for the best in people and wanting to see the good in them is a wonderful quality to have and you should never be ashamed of that, but I guess we need eyes wide open too to see the bigger picture so that we don't ignore those red flags when they rear there ugly heads. It took me a whole year, even after I first suspected that he had NPD, to truly accept it and I was devastated, not least because I had wasted another year of my life! You are taking a brave step forward in acknowledging what has happened to you and as all the others have said, we do understand what you are going through. We can't change anybody, because change comes from within, from feeling a true need to change and having the willingness to change. The good news is that we can affect changes in ourselves through being totally honest with ourselves, facing the issues about ourselves that made us vulnerable to the N in the first place, being ever so gentle and kind to ourselves instead of feeling stupid and beating ourselves up all the time. Take strength from knowing that you are the better person - you are the one that possesses the qualities this world is so much in need of - you are the one with so much to give! Just know that everyone here will understand the sadness and the anger that you feel over the coming weeks and months and we are all willing you to stay strong in NC. All the best, from someone who still gets a very fuzzy head from time to time!