If d and d is inevitable in every narc relationship, why do they continue to stay with wife, ow, etc....

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#1 Apr 29 - 12PM
jaycee
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If d and d is inevitable in every narc relationship, why do they continue to stay with wife, ow, etc....

If, like the topic, "d and d is inevitable", why is it that they continue to stay with either their wife, or the ow? I don't see complete d and d of my hN's ow, I see that he is reaping the benefits of her company, because obviously, he enjoys it. I see that no matter what happened months ago (her calling cops on him,him going to court, finding trouble at work because of it, etc) he never let her go, they were in constant contact, and now, he is back living with her full time. So if d and d is inevitable, why does he continue to stay with her? Why is it they he seems to have found, that he cannot live without her? It is almost as if he has decided, she is who he wants and is now going to work hard to make a life with her, and give her what she wants, him in her bed everynight, them prancing around like the happy couple, like a family, etc....So if his d and d of her back in November was inevitable, then why is it no longer inevitable now? I guess this is what is eating me alive, of all the d and d he did to me in twenty five years, why is she different, why is he not seeking other sources of supply, why is her supply finally the supply he has been searching for, for his entire life? Please help me understand this, im confused and heartsick, I just don't believe he will d and d her again, I know, as of today, he has decided to live there full time, and give up his weekends of freedom as not to loose her, and lets be honest, no one, not even a narc, is where they don't want to be......please talk to me....I know i am repetitive, but need to know.........the truth hurts, no, it kills, but I need to understand all of this...........

Apr 29 - 12PM
ShaynasMommy
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Jaycee

Jaycee.....honey, you don't have to be left by a narc to be constantly D&D'd by them. YOU of all women should know this (aka, the cheating, the meltdowns, the physical abuse, the walkouts, and the put-downs, et.) That is ALL types of D&D right there, babe. With that said, the OW is getting the same shit you got. You know this. ---"why is she different, why is he not seeking other sources of supply, why is her supply finally the supply he has been searching for, for his entire life? " Umm, she's NOT different, except for the fact that her EGO is a mile long just like his. She is choosing to put up with the abuse, just like you did. And he's got it pretty sweet right now, having TWO women to get whatever twisted up supply "fix" needed at any time. I guarantee you if you were totally unavailable to him and not dependent on him to pay your bills, and you walked away from him cold, free, and clear......Holy Shit Mama he would have a cow over it! Get over the notion that she is "The One." Supply is supply is supply, and it doesn't matter where it comes from, only that it is constant and predictable. If the both of you kicked him ot of your lives, where would he turn? He would just con someone else, and have to rebuild the ILLUSION again (being happy with her, feeling "safe" from his exes with her, finally understood by someone yada yada). It is a cycle. It never ends. It just recycles with either you or someone new. No difference. ----"now going to work hard to make a life with her, and give her what she wants, him in her bed everynight" Seriously, is THAT ALL she gets from him. Because really, with all of the other piss poor qualities he's got, she's got really low standards for herself. Personally, I would rather "do things manually" for myself and drop the other drama. Life wuld be alot more fun.
Apr 29 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
jaycee
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shaynasmommy

thank you that meant alot that you said all of that, i appreciate it, i know you are right and guess what, as much as i have such low standards because i desperately wanted to keep my family together, this whore has even lower, as i said she drives two hours to his moms for a fuckfest just to see him if hes not at her apt.......then he makes her leave in the morn.........ive never stooped that low, he was my husband and i wouldnt even sleep with him at his moms out of respect for her and myself..........

Jaycee

Apr 29 - 12PM
Deidre40
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I think they like HIGH HIGH

I think they like HIGH HIGH drama. I really do. Cops, court dates...this all sounds familiar to me...my ex said two of his ex's called the cops on him. Why did he stay? DRAMA. They like the chase. Most likely, after the cops left..the abuse got worse, not better. Like your situation. Does calling the cops sound like they have a happy life? lol Really? They can pretend they have a happy life...but if you need the cops to mediate your fights, you're not in a healthy loving relationship. She may also represent a woman early in his life, who discarded HIM. Like his mom? Or ? Just a guess there, but sometimes, they stay with mean women, because that woman represents someone from their past. I know that I have gravitated to narcs myself, because I grew up with one who was mean to me. I'm guessing of course. Are you married to this man? I'm sorry, I sometimes forget the details here of stories.
Apr 29 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
jaycee
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Deidre yes the narc is my husband of twenty five years

thank you for what you said, and yes, he is my husband and father of my children. He has a cold hearted mother, who has only loved him, in a strange way, worshipped him, told him he was the greatest his whole life, proclaims he is too handsome to be married too handsome to settle down and has allowed him to bring other women to her home to have affairs with, yes, the whole time backing his horrible behavior, except when it doesnt suit her.....she will bitch and moan occasionally, but i think that is when he is d and d her, and when she decides shes had enough, she d and ds him. it odd and weird, but she does think he is the end all be all, and entertains all of his ows, especially this one, because she comes to her house occasionally while he is there for a fuck fest, kind of embarrassing, going to your 45 year old boyfriends moms house for a fuck fest, creepy, but happens more often than not, and my mother in law, is either into it, or if shes in a mood gets angry and bitches about it to me.....but says he is her son and she loves him above anyone else and cant say no to him, except, as i have seen, when shes in a nasty mood.................

Jaycee

Apr 29 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
ShaynasMommy
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Hey Diedre, that's good stuff there!

That's really good juicy psychological stuff there....and probably true!LOL It sounds like maybe a Narc wuold hook up finally with someone who's a jerk just like them because deep down they know tha's what they deserve....someone on their level. Case in point. My ex-N acted extremely hurt over the fact that the OW he had after me....left him in the dust after he raved on and on about her. Nobody could see why he thought she was so great. Because she: 1. Basically was using him to get back at her estranged husband 2. Laid up in the house all day with no intention of getting a job or helping out with her half of the rent/bills 3. cooked no food, did no cleaning, instead talked on the phone to her out of town friends complaining about how life sucked being with him in that apartment. All she did was screw his brains out when he came home from work. How charming. I guess Narcs bond with each other, even though they secretly detest it, and detest one another. It's a perfect mirror reflection to themselves, and just like Dorian Grey, finally seeing themselves accurately reflected in another person gives them a fucking heart attack (or shall we say, reality dose) and they can't handle it. Maybe that's the only time you will ever notice any true hurtful emotions from a Narc...is when the undeniable truth is right in front of them