YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THIS BUT TRUST ME IT'S A TRUE STORY, A MUST READ

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#1 Apr 8 - 5PM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THIS BUT TRUST ME IT'S A TRUE STORY, A MUST READ

If you have read any of my posts, you are well aware I'm completely mindbent and sick over another, yes, another d and d from my hN. Well, I have the story of all stories. This guy treats me so unbelievably horrible, regardless of his narc or not narcness, he came to the house today as I was on my way out to pick up our daughter, he said I'll be in the bathroom, he was as miserable as miserable can be, i said fine, we will be right back. Now, mind you, yesterday, i came home to find him sound asleep in our bed, he was napping after doing some yard work, yes, sleeping soundly in our bed, well that was yesterday to continue with today, when our daughter and I got home several minutes later, he was lying on our bed, with a look of dread in his eyes, I said what is wrong with you, he said, I have another kidney stone, this one is bad, can you take me to the emergency room, but wait, I need to get my things from her apt first, she lives about two minutes from our house, as he still professes he is not living with her again, hes just staying during the week, and living out of his bag. ok, onto twenty minutes later, he gets into my car, i drive him to another town where the er is not so busy, no problem, the whole time hes completely critical of every movement i make while driving, and then in between trying to fake being grateful, yes fake, he was not grateful at all, and I SHOULD BE SLAPPED FOR DOING IT, we get to the er, i notice he hides his cell phone under my seat, who cares at this point, shes the one who has no idea where he is, we get into the er fill out paperwork, he states i am his wife, etc...they start to pump him with moraphine, hes so big, not a hundred ccs could help ease his pain, but he did get a little high from it, he starts saying something, then goes, "what is it with you and this girl" i said, are you fucking kidding me, i wont even answer that. then he says "she would be a wreck if she were here, she'd be a mess, not like you, you can handle anything, oh thanks asshole for the compliment, oh shes to precious to deal with it, fuck that, then he says, you know nothing is enough for me, you should stop focusing on her when you check the phone bill, trust me, (now remember hes high on moraphine) there are other numbers i text repeatedly, and i said, i wouldnt know i dont look. then he said, you know, she means nothing to me, thats why you are here with me, im not moving back in with her, i dont even want to be there, i blame you for this, i could kill you now i cant get out of staying with her during the week, i said, nobody stays where they dont want to be, if you didnt want to be there you wouldnt be. well long long story shorter he made a few nasty comments to me was completely critical of every move i made, as i ensured he was well taken care of...God, I must be the lucky one, he allowed me to take him to the hospital. oh boy, how lucky i am, and the kicker is, as we pulled onto our street hes barfing in a garbage bag i laid out for him, we get into the driveway, and he looks at me, after i was driving rubbing his back and telling him we would be home soon, he looks at me and says, I NEED TO MAKE A CALL, are you fucking kidding me. hes a sick fuck, he went into the garage, made his phone call and sent me to the pharmacy to get his scrips, he thinks he will be well enough to head home to his moms in the morning, so as his girlfriend has no idea where he is, hows he going to explain this one, he will he will lie a famous lie, but for now, fatty, is lying his stank ass on my bed suffering out the pain of a kidney stone, minus the moraphine, and has some vicodin to help, well, it aint helping, but guess what, i can bet this bastard will be out of here in the morning, God forbid he loose his sugar mama. Long story short, my husband is a prick........and Im a fucking moron for allowing this.......anyone, you can chime in if youre not barfing from my stupidity, AND UTTER LACK OF SELF ESTEEM, and im sure you all will know by morning ill be crying again...............

Apr 9 - 4AM
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

I am in complete awe..you

I am in complete awe..you deserve so much better..xx

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Apr 9 - 5AM (Reply to #22)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

im in awe of my stupidity

thanks for saying i deserve so much better........you help me with your comments and i appreciate you.....xoxo

Jaycee

Apr 9 - 6AM (Reply to #23)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

You're NOT Stupid

You are caring, compassionate woman. Think of it this way: you have WORTHY feelings. Being compassionate&caring aren't wrong. The ex-N is an unworthy man. He showed ZERO gratitude for your compassion towards him... the fault lies on him for taking advantage of you. NOT you. Were you stupid? No. Were you being human? Yes.
Apr 9 - 6AM (Reply to #24)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

thank you susan

thank you so much for your kind words, wish i felt better though.........

Jaycee

Apr 9 - 3AM
jen79
jen79's picture

Jaycee

I am speechless. You know what to do. My prayers are with you. But I hope this incident shows you how powerful YOU are, and he is the one who is in need. He is such a little disturbed bastard. You are much stronger, do you see this?
Apr 8 - 9PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Jaycee

Oh, Jaycee. Please do not beat yourself up. You did NOTHING wrong. He still has his hooks in you DEEP. Of course you were going to help him out. He still relies on you and still needs you and you feel responsible for him. You must stop feeling responsible for him, but that can't possibly happen until you establish No Contact for good. Why? Because you are a good person who would never abandon a person in need. He knows this. He played on your good-naturedness to get you to help him. You must make him understand you are no longer there for him. Narcissists play on our compassion and willingness to help others. This is how they choose us. We are Empaths! Jaycee - You have done nothing wrong, but help someone you know relies on you. Problem is, you need to end his reliance on you and the only way you can do this is through No Contact. You must cut the chords and shut him out for good. It is the only way for you to deprogram from him. Any contact with him whatsoever is only prolonging your pain. You must re-establish and maintain No Contact for good. This way, you can start to deprogram and realize you are not responsible for this helpless man any more. You are NOT his mother and if the other women cannot play that role for him, that is not your problem. How dare he come back and ask you to play that role. Please go easy on yourself right now. You have NOTHING to feel bad about. You did NOTHING wrong. The thing you need to do is wake up and realize that you need to end this for good. No Contact is the only way. I'm hoping this might be what you needed to wake up. The LAST thing you should do is be hard on yourself right now. Have some compassion for yourself for a change! We have so much compassion for others, but then leave none for ourselves. Again, this is because we've been brainwashed. Please remember this. We are completely brainwashed, which is why we have such a hard time breaking free. Which is also why this forum is so important. We are here to help reassure one another that we did NOTHING wrong and that it's not our fault. Only by doing this for one another can we ever help each other get to the point where we break free for good. Others simply do not understand. They get frustrated with us easily and do not understand that we have been brainwashed. They have no tolerance for repeated questions or obsessive ideation. We can't help ourselves, but they don't get it. We get it. That's why we're here. These men are evil and at the end of the D&D, they are doing things so blatantly cruel that they are begging us to leave them for good. I know my exnh did this to me. They either outright abandon us or subconsciously bring about the demise of the relationship by pushing us to our limits by treating us so terribly. If we weren't brainwashed and numb, we wouldn't tolerate it for a minute. Problem is, we are so programmed that it takes a lot for us to wake up. We tolerate way more than we would if we weren't brainwashed. We are losing our minds and they are sitting back and enjoying every minute of it. It's the highest form of entertainment for them. We need to help each other wake up and see the light. No one else has the patience for it, but we get it. It takes repeated reminders, but we understand why it's so hard to wake up. Bottom line - These men are playing with our heads, these men are mad! They get off on torturing us. We cannot let them do this to us anymore. They taunt us and then watch us squirm trying to make sense of their behavior. All the while, loving every minute of it. We have to be able to rely on one another to help each other through this most difficult time of breaking free for good. No Contact is the hardest part of our recovery, but once we get there and can establish it, half the battle is over. Maybe more than half the battle. Jaycee - Please know you are not alone. We are here for you and we will help you get through this. No Contact is the only way to go. Oh, and don't forget the Self-Compassion. Take a hot bath or get a massage tomorrow. Show yourself some love! You deserve it and have so much to give. Lavish it on youreslf for a change. :) xoxo
Apr 9 - 4AM (Reply to #15)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

Lisa

Thank you Lisa for all you said. I appreciate you taking the time, as do all the others, to reply to my posts. Im having a hard time again this morning, but I know I must look deep inside and find the strength to tell him I cannot have him around and I dont ever want him here again. He uses me, for what, I guess safety supply, but dont worry, he will be back staying with her tomorrow, thats the truth, hes bouncing from here, moms, and her place. he has no intention of letting her go, and as you can see, he has no intention of letting me free. He is holding me hostage, emotionally, and im scared I will never have a life I will die, waiting for him to realize the grass is never greener........please pray I make it through tomorrow as Sunday's are very hard for me, im lonely and know hes out and about with her. wish I felt better, I guess my only solace right now, is, regardless of what I wanted for him yesterday, he would have done what he wanted, so obviously, he doesnt see their relationship the same way I do, i imagine they are so happy together and he loves her so much, maybe that is my fear, and just maybe all of you are on the money, or he would have ran to her for help when he was sick......instead he turned his phone off and had me care for him, i should be honored, no i feel used. i pray that yesterday was a sign for me to see the real him, and also, a sign my imagination of their love relationship is a sham. thanks to Lisa and all of you........xoxo

Jaycee

Apr 9 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Jaycee

You're welcome. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know how hard this is, but believe me, it's all part of the process. Focus on the fact that you are making progress here. Baby steps are huge and the more you work at this and come here, the closer you are to breaking free from him for good. Never give up. This man will suck you dry, if you let him. Only by understanding things, can we finally break free. Scoop makes a great point! You are the mommy figure to him. Narcissists have intimacy issues and so not see women in a healthy way. They are unable to see what most men dream of in a woman—someone who is both sweet and sexy at the same time. Nope, Narcissists categorize women into one of two separate categories—saintly or sexy. They find it impossible to see a woman as both. To them, a woman is one or the other, but never both. This is what psychologists refer to as a Madonna-Whore Complex. If a woman is sweet and nice, the Narcissist classifies her as a Madonna. If she treats him badly, she is defined as a Whore. A Madonna is sexless. A Whore turns a Narcissist on like nothing else. In the beginning of a relationship, every woman is sexy to a Narcissist because the thrill of the chase makes her enticing. The harder to get she plays, the sexier she becomes. However, once she has been conquered by the Narcissist, she slowly loses her desirability. The more comfortable the relationship becomes and the more caring she becomes, the less enticing she is to him sexually. She loses her sex appeal and becomes a saintly Madonna figure. A Madonna fulfills a Narcissist’s need to be catered to like a child. A Whore fulfills his adult sexual needs. A Whore is the type of woman that turns a Narcissist on. A Madonna is completely sexless. Over time, any woman who is good and caring to a Narcissist will inevitably become sexless. This is when a Somatic Narcissist will begin having sexual encounters outside the relationship and feel as though he is entitled to cheat on you. Cerebral Narcissists are more likely to revert to pornography at this point. Many become addicted to pornography because they are auto-erotic and prefer to masturbate than be intimate with another person. Whether they revert to pornography or begin sleeping with others, the Narcissist will always perceive the object of his sexual desire as dirty because that is the only thing that turns him on. A woman who is kind, sweet, and giving will always be viewed as a saintly, sexless Madonna to the Narcissist. Those who act like Whores turn him on like nothing else. My exnh said to his therapist as I sat holding his hand "Lisa is my good, sweet wife. I cannot see her in a sexual way at all." However, do you think he relied on me to take care of him? You betcha! I became his mother. He was completely reliant on me. A Narcissist will most likely withdraw sexually from any type of intimate relationship you once had with him. You become sexless. He still needs you, no doubt. However, this is only because he needs you to cater to his child-like needs. He needs you to ensure that someone will always be present to validate him, should the outside world fall short of his expectations. You deserve so much more than this, Jaycee! There are healthy men out there who can see a woman as both sexy and sweet. This is the kind of relationship you want and deserve. We all do and should never settle for anything less. You are not his mother and don't want to be. If the OW can't provide this for him, that is NOT your problem! How dare he come back to you asking you to fulfill this role. Next time he does, tell him where to go!
Apr 9 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

Lisa Im a little confused

first thank you, but im a little confused, you say the mother type becomes sexless to the narc, not the case with my hN. He constantly wanted sex with me, no matter how many women he was sleeping with. yet he needs be to be his mommy as well, please explain.........

Jaycee

Apr 9 - 10AM (Reply to #18)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Jaycee

Most likely he's a sex addict so sex to him is always validating no matter who it is with, but trust me, you are the mother figure in his life. The OW is the whore. For whatever that's worth, just remember it next time he comes looking for you to baby him.
Apr 9 - 10AM (Reply to #19)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

lisa

that's so sad hes that much of a freak show, but i just sent you a message explaining, although i shouldn't care, it bothers me to know, hes sick again, having more symptoms of the kidney stone, and i think he is going to have ow take care of him. i know, let him be her problem, but then i will know, yesterday was definately a convenience, because it was friday and he knew the ow would never find out that he was with me at the er and that he slept here, as he goes to his moms on fridays until sundays, then to her now on sundays, he throws us crumbs, now that hes punishing me for my behavior, and staying with her. im upset he is going to have her take him to the hospital, all the nurses will have alot to talk about, one day with wife, next day with gf. but it upsets me, i should have known he only needed me when he knew he couldnt get caught........by her, but who cares about the wife right

Jaycee

Apr 9 - 3AM (Reply to #13)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Jaycee Its like you are Mommy

Jaycee Its like you are Mommy with this guy (big baby) maybe look up Madonna Whore complex , have a read about it this morning then post what you think .. ok? Xx
Apr 9 - 4AM (Reply to #14)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

wow scoop i read about the complex

holy shit, most of it is completely him and his mom, the only part of it that doesnt apply is the sexual part, as we have never had an issue with sex, i think hes a sex addict, he continued throughout our marriage to regardless of how many other women, to constantly want me in bed, and the sex was amazing, but other than that, its all him and his mom, thanks for that.......and thanks for helping me feel a little better......xoxo

Jaycee

Apr 8 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Lisa

This helped me too. I am struggling with obsession and NC today. Thank you so much this really helps me not get so frustrated with my reluctance to let go. Geez - the guy left me and does not speak to me and i still can't let go!!! that is crazy...
Apr 8 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

ifinallygotit

I'm so glad it helped and appreciate you letting me know. You absolutely must NOT get frustrated with yourself. You must have loving-kindness and compassion for yourself right now. This is a Buddhist principle that is finally starting to get more recognition in the field of psychology. It's so simple, but we never think of it! We are so hard on ourselves and never think to exercise self-compassion for ourselves! This man left you and does not speak to you and you are being hard on yourself for not getting over it quickly? You have every right to be in pain right now and ask the same questions over and over again. Obsessive thoughts come with the territory here. You can come here and ask the same question over and over again. If anyone gives you a hard time for doing so, let me know. This is where we should feel safe to admit our pain and our thoughts. If we can't do it here, where else can we do it? No one undertands this unless they have been through it themselves. Please do not be hard on yourself for being stuck right now. You were brainwashed and need to deprogram. This takes time. There is no overnight cure to repairing the damage caused by long-term emotional abuse and trauma in a relationship. If anyone tells you otherwise, please be cautious. In my opinion, any program that promises to fix you overnight or in a few quick sessions is exploiting victims. The key to any learning is repetition, time, practice and steadfast commitment. Keep working through the steps and you will get there, but be patient with yourself. This will take time. We are here for you. Always, Lisa
Apr 8 - 8PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

I understand

If Ex N was very ill I would help but not let him in my bed!!! Or listen to garbage about OW! I doubt he would help me in an emergency now but I know for sure I would because of all the years he helped me (was not an all bad N) and for just plain humanity. Don't feel bad - you did the right thing as long as you do not expect anything in return. I would help almost any ass___ if it were life and death - plus I am good in crisis (like you). None of our good qualities matter to them anyway, but interesting he noticed yours. Sorry for you...
Apr 8 - 8PM
It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

STOP!!

STOP belittling yourself women!! You have a good heart and that's a good thing but use it on the right people. I understand that it's difficult due to the length of time you have been with this monster. The problem is you are hurting yourself over and over again. You deserve better than that. I wish you strength and peace. XXX
Apr 8 - 6PM
Journey
Journey's picture

All I can say

Is he doesn't deserve such kindness from you. You are so much better than him and you did what you did for him today because you have loved the man and have been conditioned after 25 years to care and help him regardless of how he disrespects you and hurts you. I don't want to call you a moron for that and I hope you stop calling yourself one. I think the anger you are turning inward is just your own way of dealing with the anger that might be instead directed outward to him. (I was going to say should be, but I don't want to tell you what to do) You are obviously a good person with a loving heart. I hope this today at least proves to you that what he has with OW is not what you've been so worried it is. You may be crying in the morning again, but I sincerely hope you won't feel like it and instead will continue to see him for the jerk he is AND find a way to stop the self blame and anger, since you obviously do everything you can to be a good wife and partner to him, who all the while doesn't appreciate you or give you the respect you deserve. You continue to be a very caring person to him, helping him when you can, please find a way to show yourself the same caring and help yourself when you can too. First step (I think), is to forgive yourself for loving him and how you feel you've let yourself down by doing so, and allow yourself to care about you now as he is proving to you he is disordered (in some way - narc or not) and not a healthy man who is able to be who you need him to be for you. (hugs)

Journey on...

Apr 8 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

journey

thank you for your kind words, and yes, i need to forgive myself for loving such a mean bastard. i need to find a way to get away from him and stop taking such abuse. i need to love me and our kids not him anymore, and you are so right, i imagine his life with her not what it truly is.....

Jaycee

Apr 8 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Journey
Journey's picture

You sound so much better already!

My exN was abusive too and I might still be with him if he hadn't discarded me because at the time, mine also had me worn down emotionally and jumping to adhere to his commands, doing anything to please him. It is like being programed, but we can change the channel in our heads the more we are away from them. It takes time and determination, but it is possible with a conscious effort to take what we know to be true and to replace the thoughts coming from what our fears (and even hopes) imagine, with only the facts.

Journey on...

Apr 8 - 6PM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

OH I FORGOT

the time at the er was around five hours, me standing around waiting on this prick hand and foot while he suffered, and boy did he, and still is, too bad the fat fuck didnt just die right there in the er, or better yet, why the fuck didnt they find a cancerous tumor in his fat belly. I dont get it, there is absolutely nothing about this man to love, so why am i so fucking programmed to jump when this prick says jump, more sickening, i probably say, how high? Im angry tonight, because i looked back on twenty five years of the same shit, and this prick has no idea he couldnt make a move if i werent in his life, i am his mom, better yet, i am his mom, the one he can abuse. someone slap me fast.......help me help myself get out of this cycle of bullshit.......and I question if he's a narc........

Jaycee

Apr 8 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
Steph
Steph's picture

"I dont get it, there is

"I dont get it, there is absolutely nothing about this man to love, so why am i so fucking programmed to jump when this prick says jump, more sickening, i probably say, how high?" You answered your own question when you say "Programmed". that's exactly what it is. Brainwashing. For 25years!!!! I can't imagaine. There is ALOT of damage from him that needs to be undone. I don't have kids so I can't imagine how difficult that must be...because you can't go COMPLETE NC. But...I'm pretty sure patting his back and taking him to the hospital is NOT in your job description. But, I know you know that and are kicking yourself for it. This guy sounds like an absolute freak show. Sorry. I can't remember, are you in therapy?
Apr 8 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

staying strong

thank you for seeing him as a freak show, ive been questioning my own sanity, thinking maybe it is me.....when i think about it, he is a freak show, waiting to be seen........i just don't get it.......and yes, im kicking myself for being so kind..........

Jaycee

Apr 8 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Steph
Steph's picture

nah, it's not you.DEFINATELY

nah, it's not you.DEFINATELY NOT. he's just got into your head so much that you can't tell up from down. You're deep deep deep in crazyland right now, because he brought you there. Trust me. There is nothing wrong with you...other than you are brainwashed....through no fault of your own. you are obviously kind hearted, and that is not a bad thing.....it's just so unfortunate that it's wasted on him. He is NOT worthy of you! Are you in therapy, is it ok to ask that?