How many of you have broken no contact recently?

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#1 Mar 26 - 3PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

How many of you have broken no contact recently?

How many of you have broken no contact recently and internally feel shameful about it?

Im curious about it because this was something that caused great anxiety in me. I would think Omg what if people on here found out that I have been texting the narc. Once again this was something I saw in black and white. I felt completely shameful.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN THIS. It is simply there as a tool to protect ourselves not be used on ourselves a weapon to beat ourselves up with.

I know some of you have done this purge yourself of it. Let it out. I though if I admit this then I am a fraud a failure but thats not true. I see that it is not true now why? because I have been completely disconnected from myself. I have done this so many times I cant count.

Much like the dispicable behavior I exhibited. I felt omg if anyone knew about this, I would be so embarassed if they knew how really crazy I got...

Mar 28 - 10PM
It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

SOI

I am going on a month and a half of NC. The difference is I did the D & D. If you can really call it that coming from the normal half of that equation. over the last few weeks I have been really missing him and it's been hard but I haven't come close to calling, texting, emailing etc. On the other hand I've checked his FB. We're not friends and I deleted my account anyway but I check to see if he's changed his picture through my girlfriend's account. I also check this website that an ex of his decided to create a blog about him on. It's on one of those rate before you date websites. I check for new posts and to see how many views it's gotten. Now, I realize that this is contact in another form but I didn't see this before. To be honest the negative comments just justify that he's showing his true colors to other people as well. Ultimatly I know I need to stop it all but at least I'm staying away from the direct contact. I hate that I miss him especially because I know he's unaffected by me other than the fact that I put a severe dent in his ego. I fantasize about him feeling the pain and distress he has put me through x 10. He may not feel remorse for what he's done to me but I know he'll forever live an empty life and look back on what he failure he was. I don't think anyone should feel shame. It's a process and some take longer than others. Eventually each and every one of us realizes that the pain and anger it causes us is not worth the break in NC.
Mar 27 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Taking advantage of the circumstances

I broke NC back in '09. There were several triggering circumstances... the untimely death of a classmate (she stayed behind to be a professor, she died at the age of 40 in her sleep, no cause given), and the birth of my nephew. The ex-Psych prof grew up in Massachusetts;like my nephew. The ex-P's father&my brother in-law have the same name. The ex-P's father and my brother in-law are Harvard men. Before I even read Lisa Scott's "Ns are Perpetually Children"-um, I compared the ex-P mockingly to my nephew, saying the *SOLE* difference was age. It was a passive-aggressive(?) way of calling him immature. With the death of this classmate, I was afraid the ex-P would contact me, so I did the whole "block the kick, pre-emptive strike with shock&awe." The ex-P would literally run away from ridicule;I saw it in the flesh numerous times. He *HATED* it when I compared him to the elementary schoolchildren down the street, saying *THEY* were better-behaved than him, but that if I could be patient with his tantrums, I'd have infinite patience with theirs. He did *NOT* like it when I mentioned his family. I remember how he snapped at me during the final D&D when I asked about his father, his beloved Dad. Believe me, I struck every vulnerability with maximum power. I didn't want the Narc wounds to be leetle bruises or paper cuts. I wanted to inflict deep damage. I called his father "Daddy." I went to the post office laughing. It brought out my inner prankster.
Mar 27 - 7PM (Reply to #46)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Addendum

He hasn't contacted me in the past 11 years. But I said things that usually sent him running like a cowardly toddler anyhow. A NORMAL teacher wouldn't like being compared to a toddler. But with a Narc, it cuts sooo much deeper. I wasn't allowed to tease him back in the day... but this time I exploited my advantage. He'd say "Don't use me as an object of ridicule" (when he was treating ME as an object of ridicule) I guess in my own snarky way I was saying "I WILL use you as an object of ridicule, you are the butt of my jokes, there is NOTHING you can do about it." Being mocked was the ONLY attention he *RAN* from. He'd stick around for praise or hatred, anger or amorousness. But laughter at his expense sent him fleeing.
Mar 27 - 2PM
TLSM
TLSM's picture

ME!

Yes...I am embarrassed. Ashamed. And feel WORSE! I saw his 28 yr old twinkie in her fb profile pic in New York. I know she is with my 48 yr old ex-narc visting his brother and it has made me sick. (we all live in california). So it must be getting serious. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. She is truly cute, blonde and 15 years younger than me! Right now I am idealizing him. Almost glorifying him. I need to stop snooping. I have now blocked myself from peeking at facebook. This can be done. Go into tools, internet options, security and choose restrictions and enter facebook.com. Unfortunately, it won't let you enter specific URLS - just the whole domain. I have a FB business page that i keep up to date 2 times a week. When I have to do that, I will quickly unrestrict, enter my posts and restrict again. Just an idea for those who can't control themselves like me. I am feeling pretty shitty. Will someone remind me that he will treat her like crap too? Why can't I believe that?!!! I am having a hard time believing that today when they are off in NY having a blast and meeting his family. Not feeling good about myself today. :(
Mar 27 - 8PM (Reply to #43)
BelleOk
BelleOk's picture

I've done it. Not today, but

I've done it. Not today, but I am just like you. Block myself, block him, unblock, reblock, check match, block him, unblock him. I feel nuts. He WILL absolutely treat her like crap too. Guaranteed. Focus on that fact and give him enough time.
Mar 28 - 2AM (Reply to #44)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

BelleOk

Thank you for saying that! You can never hear enough that our Narc's will treat OW badly too! I need to embed that in my head! But right now he is wooing her and it makes me deeply jealous. Man, can that guy spoil a girl.He is Mr.Prince Charming right now to her- who hopefully will soon turn into Prince Alarming. UGH and I can't get over the swift discard. But why should I care? He is a leech! Damn this Cognative Dissonance!!!!!!!(sp?).
Mar 27 - 3PM (Reply to #42)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Ya know I have been reading

Ya know I have been reading louise l hays you can heal your life. Kinda new agey but so far a pretty good read. I read this book about 5 years ago I couldn't really get into or grasp the idea. I think that's how disconnected I have become with myself. I think in a weird way since the narc arrived back on the seen I have been in gut wrenching pain which has caused me to become more in tune with my true self. The one the that feels shameful where as before his return I would just tell my true self to shut up lol.but I can't this time cause she is screaming out in god awful pain from punishment not only from the narc but myself
Mar 27 - 1PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Oh sick of it you are so

Oh sick of it you are so right not to feel ashamed if you break NC and no one here is going to shame you into NC ... no way . You really only get to strict no contact when you have exhausted all other avenues when you feel like you are banging youre head against a brick wall and realise it bloody hurts .Nc happens when you realise it is either him or me and unless you have been to that point there is very little one can say to explane it . We all have our cut off point when we say no more . and we have all had "just one last look " ,i have 6 if we are counting each one becoming more painful and shameful , not that i was ashamed of myself HE was shaming ME . No contact is the goal to head for here . I can say to people till im blue in the face "go nc " but that decision comes from you in the end ... but it will come . Big love and good post . xx
Mar 27 - 3PM (Reply to #39)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Scoop I have to say the shame

Scoop I have to say the shame did not come from other people, it came from me. It always goes back to that internal dialogue I have with myself about right and wrong good and bad and the word should. See I know what I should do and when I don't do what is right and what I should do. I immediately sentence myself to a healthy dose of shame. Do you how f'd up my relationship is with myself. I am a tyrant to myself. I asked this question because I was wondering how many of us are wallowing around in self induced shame. Shame that we don't need to be assesing on ourselves. It seems that shame is always present in one of these relationships
Mar 27 - 3PM (Reply to #40)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

YUP! Totally.

YUP! Totally.
Mar 27 - 1PM (Reply to #38)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I too felt shame

about the nc and some of it had to do with the "pushiness" in the past on this board...of the whole breaking NC which made me apprehensive about breaking it or better yet...SHARING my moments of being human and weak... I think it is essential to encourage NC but not to the point where one feels shame and won't share...because it is the half truths that will block our healing because then we're not really getting it out...we need to feel that we can tell those secrets here. We need to support, keep repeating, encourage, but not "scold" someone as it defeats the purpose. For me, I kept it a secret because as a "mod" I'm supposed to set an example? BUT I equally try to practice what I preach which is why I did not bite anyone's head off when they did break it because I knew I was guilty... AND we are all human, and this is not a cut and dry situation...we are here to support one another...NOT enable, but do the best we can to support and so I do encourage NC for all of us... AND now I am practicing it so I can preach it - but never judge anyone for being "human" AND try my best not to ever make someone feel shame. Hugs!
Mar 27 - 11AM
really
really's picture

I just did, indirect contact

I just did, indirect contact anyway. I made the mistake of checking his biz website to see if my pic had been removed. I don't know why. It has been a month or two since I last looked. I am totally relieved to see that it has been (finally - 18mos later), but also saw that he has made a couple youtube videos. I DID NOT watch them. There's no way. But just seeing his face, I really feel like I'm going to throw up. No yearning at all. I can definitely feel the difference between what he was in my head and what he really is. I do feel good about that, but my stomach - not so much. This sucks.
Mar 27 - 11AM (Reply to #31)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

so weird how just seeing them

so weird how just seeing them can have such a physical effect on you. I remember when I found him on facebook and I sent the friend request my hands were shaking and my palms were sweating and I remember thinking WTF is this all about? Why am I so nervous about this. I mean I havent seen the guy in 15 years WTH is this? Well know I know. It was the traumabond renengaging inside of me
Mar 27 - 4PM (Reply to #36)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

breaking no contact and seeing them

I broke it a few weeks ago and called him at work -our first phone conversation in 4 months (he did text, but only in "polite" response to me, until 12/30). The call in itself was not that awful and actually did not set me back as much as snooping on the internet does. In real conversation, he would never reveal anything personal that would hurt me, but on google and facebook you find out current info that hurts like hell...There are tons of photos of him on the internet so it is very tempting to get a visual even though I blocked myself from looking at FB. Seeing him on FB with the new lady was a TKO. The phone call was very unremarkable - low content, since neither of us like confrontation (maybe three fights in 10 years). I was very surprised how nice he was and thought he would have rushed off the phone as I called him at work and he does not have a private office. He sounded sad, scared, and somber - like a little kid who knows he did wrong - no haughtiness, arrogance, dismissiveness or anger - which is what I had expected (ya know - to feel like I was bothering him and he'd have no time for me). But it accomplished nothing - he said he missed me and has never contacted me since. There was no joy in his voice - clearly very hard for him to face what he did - but at least I know he does not hate me, which is what I was starting to think. Letting go is a process. I have not wanted to call again but I still want to send a follow up email which is crazy. He said "yes" to everything i said - passively. I may have said this before but I felt like the parent calling to track down their teenager who ran away to do drugs, party, sex and rock and roll...not a great dynamic with someone in his 50's... I need to read more about trauma bonds...and how to break them...I do not feel guilty or ashamed about the call - esp after how harsh he treated me, no need to be harsh on myself. Plus, I think its normal after being friends for 12 years and lovers for 10 years to want to say hello and goodbye - its the no closure or explanation that makes us nuts!
Mar 27 - 12PM (Reply to #34)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

SOI, I feel like this too! Is

SOI, I feel like this too! Is it trauma bonding? I'd love to see a blog or a post about this because I have such strong physical reactions when I am in contact with him in any way - whether it is writing to him or seeing pictures of him. My therapist says that it reveals a lot that I feel such strong anxiety. It's like my body telling me to stay away, but I'm not so I feel that "excitement" - I hate that feeling. For me, there is nothing good about it because it makes me feel crazy and out of control. Is this a normal reaction? Is it like a natural instinct we have around people we know aren't good for us? Or is it really some sort of excitement about "bonding with the abuser" - like some masochistic thing?
Mar 27 - 5PM (Reply to #35)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Well the nature of it for me

Well the nature of it for me is that way back when we were together the first time, He became my tormentor and my rescuer. What I mean by that is, we would have horrendous fights,he was a serial cheater ect all the crazy making behavior but then sometimes right after a knock down drag out he would grab me and hold me and comfort me and tell me loved me etc... I also had something traumatic (well traumatic to me) with him that I dont even talk too much about so hence the trauma bonding. Trauma bonding can also produce codependency. Google it. There is plenty written. I good read is The Betrayal Bond. I have not read it in its entirety but what I have read is interesting. There is a good portion of for review on amazon.
Mar 27 - 12PM (Reply to #32)
really
really's picture

Yeah, I know, SOI. It's

Yeah, I know, SOI. It's freaky. Also freaky that I felt this way ALL the time when we were together, even the most relaxed, taking it easy, out on the deck happy hours. At the time, I thought it was nervous excitement because I was so enamored with him. It was really a complete uneasiness and it never went away. I've never been friends with him on FB. He joined after all this crap was over. But I know what you mean and have felt those feelings. I blocked him as soon as I knew he was on there and unblocked him out of curiosity once. Never again! It was the most unnerving 48hrs! I still see him around my n'hood, but know it's a possibility every time I leave my house just because we live so close. I don't have the same nervousness about that because I go the other way if I see him coming. If I don't, I NEVER look him in the eye. Made the mistake of looking at his face in that video snapshot. Not good!
Mar 27 - 11PM (Reply to #33)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Feel some of the same stuff - Really

I have horrible anxiety and feel totally unnerved when I see his face or hear his voice on the internet. I got physically ill the last time I sent him an email it stressed me so much. I felt so awful after seeing his FB that I only relapsed once on the unblocking thing (I guess I looked again just to remind myself that he really is that smiling creature showing off his new sex prize). However, one big difference is that for the most part, I felt extreme peace inside whenever we were together. I usually have a hard time sleeping peacefully with a new boyfriend but the first time he and I were together, I slept like a rock, like we were old friends...My uneasiness was always when we were not together as he would always pull me to him and then push me away. So I never knew where I stood - his words did not match actions. The best part of this recovery is that much of that day to day uneasiness is gone!! There is no one messing with my mind - yeah!
Mar 27 - 11AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I broke NC this past Friday.

I broke NC this past Friday. I was being triggered left and right and had a few cocktails and sent him one text. I'm fortunate he didnt answer it, but I only hurt myself. It's a process. Hugs!
Mar 27 - 10AM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

No!

No I have not broken NC only because i was literally dying when I was with him. I was spiritually, physically and emotionally sick. I have 7 months with absolutely NC and I feel so much healthier so I intend to stay NC forever!

victimnomore

Mar 27 - 7PM (Reply to #27)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Good for you

I feel the same way, I felt like I was dying everyday also when I was in contact with him. I was mentally unhealthy, unstable and there was NOTHING left of who I once was. I am very very sad right now because this has been a tremendous loss in my life, I lost so much because of this disordered person, but when I get it back, WATCH OUT, The toaster will be working in full force again, ha ha ha
Mar 27 - 7PM (Reply to #28)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

omg! I just sent you a pm

omg! I just sent you a pm asking your opinion on this very subject
Mar 27 - 11AM (Reply to #26)
Used
Used's picture

victimnomore

No I have not broken NC only because i was literally dying when I was with him. I was spiritually, physically and emotionally sick. i could not agree with you more, this sums up my exnh and then exn, and the terrible affect they had on me, 18mnths nc with both of them and may it continue forever and a dayx
Mar 27 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

sick of it

Oh, yes. Last week I got in his face and chewed him out, finger wagging and eveything, threatening him with all sorts of "action" (?) if he didn't stay out of our childrens' friendship with each other. This was before he ran away. texted him a few times, too, just asking how how how he could possibly pretend he doesn't know me after I took him for a colonosopy three months ago and I had my tongue in his *ss on New Year's Day. LOL Do I feel stupid? Yeah. But I know I have a right to be aghast and hurt and shocked and angry for a long time to come. This was not a little thing. This was four years of my and my children's lives--and it will affect the rest of our lives, my dreams, my needs, everything. F them. My priest told me I'm only human and if I yell at him sometimes in the street, whatever. Eventually it will heal.l
Mar 27 - 7AM
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

I left him 8 months ago and

I left him 8 months ago and there was some contact here and there and 4 weeks ago yesterday, we had our last talk ever when he really showed me how truly sick he is. I've not broken contact since nor will I ever! I'm so good with not hearing from him again. I'm actually happy for the first time in 5 1/2 yrs. I never realized he was the cancer that was killing me. Being in remission feels great :-)
Mar 27 - 6AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

I sent him

a card a few weeks ago, an Easter card, but got nothing back, usually I get a hateful letter but this time nothing I have officially been 'dismissed' but it doesn't bother me like it would have a year or two ago when I would have broken down crying, espically knowing he has no cancer, misinformation from his first wife's husband. He is just an ass and disordered person, who does need to live by himself, as he told me years ago, and not harm anymore women, because he has not a clue as to who women are, thanks to mommy!
Mar 27 - 7AM (Reply to #21)
Used
Used's picture

cancer

but his first wife must have got that info from him, and when you sent him a message, commisarating on his cancer , he didnt put you right did he?, they are all total arseholes!!!
Mar 27 - 10AM (Reply to #22)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

USED

when i sent him the card, he never mentioned anything about the cancer, but then again I did not use that word cancer, in the card. I just asked if he needed any help to let me know, but the inference was there and all I got back was a letter telling me why i should not move to his state and once again all the false accusations towards me.Irregardless just so hateful towards any of my kindness, I just hope on his deathbed from whatever, a light bulb goes off and he realizes how horribly he treated me, but i will not hold my breathe!!Telling his son earlier this fall that I was harassing him for sending him a couple of letters and cards,UGH
Mar 26 - 9PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I think three weeks ago

Was my official complete and total NC...prior to that I was peeking, and occasionally conversing via email briefly, trying to get him to see his disorder...LOL... I felt okay doing that because I was sufficiently detached and didn't care either way cause he's with someone and quite frankly, no I don't love him anymore, he looks distorted to me, he is disordered and I have no need for that flavor of insanity or unhealthiness in my life - I didn't hate him anymore, I wasn't angry so it wasn't an emotional risk for me - I wasn't even banking on being friends, maybe just one final piece of advice so that my mind was clear as it is hard to accept that someone is tortured...he still is a child of God even if disordered, and he wasn't physcially abusive, just more passive aggressive and gaslighted me and such which I realized in hindsight - that's not to say it wasn't less damaging but overall I am at peace with it? I just don't care. But, I started getting the feeling that he was having his "moments of clarity" and agreeing as a manipulative tactic..."AHA!" the lightbulb went on. AND this began to piss me off so in one last email, I essentially told him that was it, I'd had enough, I gave him whatever I could the rest is on him, and even if he won the lotto there would be no need for him to look me up and I so mean that. There are some indirect hoover attempts as of late...first the other day he sent me an auto insurance emergency card in the mail...then he "friended" my niece on FB and I don't know how I feel about that. I know it is a manipulative move on his part...it's a connection to me...don't know why she entertained it - I did school her about him...she's not really my niece but I call her my niece. I wanted to put him on blast but I decided against it...I just made sure to tell her I don't want to know anything about him. I am prepared to let him starve. Silly me, I asked my cousin..."But why would he give a hoot I mean he's in his corner I'm in mine I am not making things crazy for him" She was very wise in her response...she said: You are trying to figure out a pathological...and THAT is what's crazy... So that is essentially it - and the reality is...NC is the way to go and I'm at a place where it is effortless. Hugs!
Mar 26 - 9PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Nope

Not I! Although, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered it several times, just to stop the flood of thoughts. It's torture severing ties. Part of me feels like this decision to go NC will always haunt me. Like he will linger on in the back of my mind, no matter what I do. Then, I got a call from a friend, and that helped take my mind off of things. A break! Seems like people step in at just the right time, sometimes.