Why a Narcissist Prefers to be Admired by Many than Loved by One

my x husband said in the beggining of our relationship that 'unconditional love is unhealthy'

This really helps, Lisa. Sometimes when they choose another person...it feels like its personal. You are so right about them panicking about being abandoned. This last time after not having any contact for years, the N was extradited back to here for not paying child support and spousal support. When he got out of jail, he tried to contact me. He started the same old stuff,"I love you, dont love her, never have, I need you, you are my soul mate" etc. Now, 4 years ago he abandoned us, I got a divorce two years ago,since he met someone right after he left us, and had twins with her. He really was trying to play the sympathy card so that he could get emotional support, free money, food, transportation etc from me while promising me the moon. Of course, he never even really asked about our children and when I told him one of our children had been hospitalized with a serious illness, all he said was..."I am really bummed my backpack got stolen from the bus stop and now I don't have a coat or any money." I was floored. I actually stood up to him for once, and told him what he really was. He freaked out and asked me why I was so mean to him. When I told him I was getting off the phone he said, "Wait, I love you, I don't want you to go...we have to work through this, I thought you were my friend!" I ended up changing my phone number...but later felt bad wondering if I had been too mean. What a pushover I am.

The ex-Psych professor HATED ridicule. He liked being admired, he even liked being hated and compared to Jack Nicholson's character in "The Shining"... but he could NOT countenance mockery. If he was being mocked, or was afraid of being mocked, he'd beat a hasty retreat. He characterized himself as humorless, and that he didn't mock himself because he "took himself seriously."

This was exactly my ex. He cared so much what others thought of him. He was terried that I would meet people he knew. I think because if they met me, they would begin to unravel his lies. Reading this confirmed what I felt. He said he lied to me about spending time with a girl at school - Because if I spoke to her ,it wasnt because he was intimate with her it was because she would spread around school that I was suspicious and it would make him look bad. I was floored that 1. he called her a friend if she was capable of that 2. that this girl he just met meant more to him than four years of devotion and loyalty. It still makes me a little bit sick.

Despite reading any and everything I could get my mitts on about Ns, reading the postings here seem to make things clearer for me, perhaps because everyone around me know exactly what I/we are going through, there is no doubt you deliver some of the best material I have come across, thanks! stay~striving

summed up to a T my EXnarc fear of abandonment, he once wrote that down on some paper, fear of being "foundout", he ended us for good when he felt I was on to his horrible treatment of me, and obsession with always being in control, once i teased him about" easing up on the reigns", he saw nothing funny in that statement, makes me more aware how pathetic and fragile to the pint of non existence these people are............

I have been reading all your comments for some time now but this is the first time i'm leaving a comment,i cant believe how nearly every experience is so similar. I was with my narcissist for 4yrs, we've been 'apart' for 3yrs but I still cant move on+have a new relationship as he's never let me go+i've never wanted him too. We have a son together who is now 4+he doesnt have any contact with him at all, we split up because I had found out what a disgusting liar he was, when my son was 4months old I found out he had been living a double life, he was still married(i thought he was divorced)he was living with me+i've worked it out now that when his wife was working nights he would get his mother to babysit his 2children+he would then be at 'home' with me, when his wife wasnt working he would then tell me that he had to stay at her house to look after the children as she was working, I cant believe I believed him for so long, but even when I used to get gut feelings that it wasnt adding up I would never keep on to him as I idolized him. When I found out about his lies, I went to see his wife to see if it was true, she was devestated about it, although she has came to see me since+told me that she knows how clever he is+that she could believe I was in the dark, after I had gone to see her when I first found out about his double life he rang me up+told me that I had turned his world upside down, I said to him, "you told me that everyone knew about us", he just said "well they do now+know that you have ruined my life please just get on with yours". I just couldnt believe what I was hearing, I asked him what about our son+he said i'll pay for him+nothing else. Even after him saying those things to me I still loved him+thought I couldnt breathe without him, I didnt see him for 3months after that, but he would always phone+text, his new lines were that he couldnt tell me he was married cos he'd lose me+he couldnt leave his wife cos he wouldnt be able to see his children, so he was trying to keep everyone happy, after 3months we started seeing each other again, he told me he was now going through a divorce+because of what had happened he had to be very careful or he could lose everything, I went along with everything he told me for the next year, which I spent most of it crying,as time was getting on+he kept saying the same things about his divorce+how hard it was for him, he blamed his wife for it all, but I would've waited forever for him, then one day I had a phonecall from my friend(this is 16months after I had found out about his double life) my friend had found out that he had been seeing someone for a year, she was pregnant+was due in 2wks, he denied it, kept saying he wanted me, the next few months were more of the same, him playing victim+me lapping it up, it eventually errupted on a night out when my friends ripped into him in front of everyone+shouted as loud as they could what he was+what he's done, he didnt speak to me for ages after that, this happened 2yrs ago, he still kept coming back to me over the months+I still let him, but then I found the strengh from somewhere to ignore him,he hasnt seen our son for 2yrs, over the last 2yrs he has still rung me+last year he told me all the usual crap, he actually said to me that he cant read me anymore, I pretended I was in a relationship cos I knew he wouldnt come near me then, he's a coward+wouldnt want to confront a man. I think I've worked through all my feelings for him now+know exactly what he is, but what I cant ever get over is the way he's dismissed our son, he has contact with his children from his marriage+he is living with the mother of his youngest son, although they live with her parents, I know he's only with her as its easy for him+they all accept him+think he's great,They dont know about me or our son, or if they do, he'll have made it sound as though we had a 1 night stand or something sordid like that, I really want to expose him+for them all to know about my son, the last month i've told him that i'm on my own now+he's started back being nice+i've been nice back, if i've ever been nasty to him he always says that i'm listening to other people, he doesnt think I have my own mind. Last week I actually let him come to the house after a night out(we had both been to the same place)I was acting exactly as I was when we first met+I knew he loved it, I dont know how far to go with it tho+whether I could expose him, I hate the fact that my son is a secret, I know if I turned on the charm+acted a little dumb I could reel him back in, I honestly dont want him back, I used to, but all I want know is for people to know he's the type of person who has turned his back on his child, I have proof that we have been in contact+he pays for him, he's the type of person who would say that its me who wouldnt allow contact+he would make out when our son is older that he didnt know where we lived+it has destroyed him not seeing him grow up, I just want him exposed for what he is, I know i've written a lot+its been theraputic doing so, but if anyone can give me some advice I would be really grateful, thank you.

I had a friend who'd always ask me "Is he ever going to see you as an equal? Are you content with worshiping him from afar?" Turns out it was NO to both. The ex-Psych professor STILL expected me to admire him, even after all he had done to publicly humiliate me and destroy whatever trust there had been between us. He sabotaged what could've been a friendship. Romantic rejection is disappointing... but the ex-P made sure that even simple friendship was impossible. After the D&D, he said coldly "I was NEVER your friend." I was the one who had been written off as delusional because I was a student-how could I think of him as my equal and my friend? The ex-P couldn't even stand being admired. He complained when he had to make 14 copies(!) of his lecture on Wittgenstein. He really didn't like admiration.... his eyes sparkled when, after the final D&D, I told him that some of my classmates hated him for what he had done. He craved hatred and fear as opposed to the usual Narc trait of craving admiration. He expected me to hate and admire him simultaneously. When he admitted that he preferred admiration to being respected as a person... I told him that was HIS PROBLEM. As another friend said during the D&D "he'd rather be hated by many than loved by one."