When I first started writing my book five years ago, I couldn't get it published. No one knew what a narcissist was. I spent twelve thousand dollars self-publishing it twice. The first book title was "When he's only into himself" and the second book title was "He's So Vain." You can look them up on-line.
I opened up "Simple Abundance" tonight - a book my Mom gave me over ten years ago. Anyone have it? It's by Saran Ban Breathnach. It's a wonderful book. Tonight, I opened it up to the following passage. No joke.
START OF PASSAGE
Spinning Straw Into Gold
"Stories are medicine....They have such power; they do not require that we do, be, act anything - we need only listen. The remedies for repair or reclamation of any lost psychic drive are contained in stories." ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes
A friend of mine ended a relationship with a man she loves because of her fear that he was about to reject her. It turns out, he wasn't going to reject her at all. He loves her very much, but now he is hurt that she broke up with him and is hesitant to take her back for fear that she will end things again and hurt him.
I have done this type of thing before and can tell you this self-destructive behavior will get us absolutely nowhere. We must understand this behavior is an automatic reflex/reaction based on experiences we have had in our past. Because of pain from our past, we react this way in an attempt to avoid being hurt. Unfortunately, in the end we not only hurt our partner, but we hurt ourselves. We have sabotaged the relationship.
"The narcissist I was involved with had me change my entire life for him then called me and in a 5 minute telephone conversation told me he changed his mind and he was not going to be with me. He said it as casually as if he decided to have chicken for dinner instead of steak. Then he proceeded to f with my mind for another 3 years." ~Foolmeonce
Why? Why does the narcissist keep coming back? Why can't he leave us alone? It's important to understand that a narcissist has no inner-sense of self. He disconnected from himself a long time ago. Because he has no sense of self, he must be validated by others in order to feel alive. Without outside validation, he feels dead inside.
Happydaysahead - I hope you saw the thread from this Fall that I just re-posted in response to your question on what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is and how it works. CBT is one of the most effective forms of treatment, in my opinion. Why? Because it's based on the most recent advances in science and technology that now show us our brains are much more plastic (changeable) than we ever thought. The reason this is important is because it means we can retrain our brains.
It took me many years of suffering before I finally tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. When I did, it changed my life. Was it difficult? Yes, I was shaking and cried the first time I did it. Was it worth it? Absolutely!
I'm re-posting this from the Fall.
Sun, 10/18/2009 - 21:54 — Lisa E. Scott
Monica - "I Won't Back Down" is one of my favorite songs! Great song to run to or work out aggression at a gym.
You have to follow that up with "Running Down a Dream" by Tom Petty as well. Together, they're a very healing combination of songs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5tF_-AkU6U
Barbara - Thank you for pointing out my music! (And for coming up with "The Path Forward"!)
While I do not know what's in store for me, I know one thing. I cannot control the past or the future. Yet, I can control how I respond to both.
I believe that our happiness is not based on what happens to us in life, but instead on how we respond to it. I know some of you may think this sounds cliché, but think about it for a moment, if you will.
Happy Mother's Day to all you devoted mothers! You truly are an inspiration and deserve to be celebrated today and every day!!
"By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class."~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."~Agatha Christie
Being in love with a narcissist is a confusing state of affairs, to say the least. In the beginning, a narcissist makes you feel incredibly loved and valued. He appears to be head-over-heels in love with you and worships the ground you walk on. He writes you poetry, takes you out for romantic dinners, and finds all your little quirks endearing and adorable.
Once a narcissist feels he has obtained control of you (through marriage or moving in together), you will see a completely different side of him that you never knew existed. Unfortunately this is the REAL him. Narcissists have often been described as having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Once in control, a narcissist becomes demeaning and cruel.
In an interview in this month's Playboy, John Mayer says he can't keep his hands off himself. Giving new meaning to narcissism, Mayer says he prefers an intimate night in with his computer to a night out with a real live woman.
Even when he's with a real woman, Mayer confesses he is just using her as a masturbatory aid while porn images and stories run through his head. To Mayer, women are only a means to an end: his own, self-assisted, big bang.
Here's an extract:
MAYER: ...pornography? It's a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora's box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 [naked girls] before I got out of bed.
PLAYBOY: What's your point about porn and relationships?
I am often asked how long it will take to get over a narcissist. Grieving the loss of a relationship with a narcissist is not the same as one with a healthy well-adjusted adult. The process has many stages and can only be understood by those who have been through it.
In a typical breakup, we grieve the loss of love, the pain of saying goodbye, the sadness of something wonderful ending, broken promises and halted dreams.
When grieving a narcissist, this pain is compounded by the reality that this person never loved you. He targeted you. He put on an act and hypnotized, brainwashed & manipulated you for a deliberate purpose: to seduce and control you. And it was for a specific reason: to ensure you would be present to stroke HIS ego and cater to HIS needs.
repost:
I want to bump up this post by Mariline as I believe it is so important we remember why the narcissist chose us. Too often, we are made to feel we should have known better, we were 'stupid', 'naive', 'gullibe' or we were "duped" easily by these narcissistic con-men.
No! We weren't.
I want us all to remember that they targeted us because we are caring, compassionate, intelligent, successful and independent women. We are not weak and naive as some would like to suggest.