We have had lots of new people sign-up on the board lately. While I'm sad that you have to be here, I'm glad you found us because it means you have made the first step in the path to breaking free and finding yourself again - the path to recovery. I lied to myself for years that my relationship with my ex-narcissist-husband (EXNH) was fine. Years, I tell you. I lived in total denial for a very long time.
Narcissist Recovery Blog
We cannot delete our memories. Narcissists can, but we can't. Besides, as we already discussed, that's no way to live.
It is because we cannot delete our memories that I know many of us can relate to what Shayna's Mommy said in her post today when she wrote about still having thoughts about him even after many years:
"I was having strong guilt feelings about this, because I thought I should be "over it completely" by now, and if I had a shred of dignity I wouldnt waste any more head space on this creep. But now I know thoughts are just random, you won't stop them, and it doesn't mean I'm still "in love" (gak) or jealous (ewww) or pining (spare me) for him. Its just re-processing the past events in my life, just like other memories I revist from time to time."
My EXNH had an unbelievable memory. He could remember details and dates like no one I had seen before. However, there was only one reason why he remembered these dates and that was to garner Narcissistic Supply.
It's a great question, Aceone Lady. Whether their memory is different than ours. The answer is yes. Studies tell us we have two different memories for the same situation. One is explicit memory - a memory of the details of the experience and the other is Implicit memory - a memory of the emotions connected to the experience. For example, smelling a baked apple pie reminds me of my Grandma and brings about an emotional response of missing her. That is implicit memory. Explicit memory would be my ability to remember how to make the pie. - the details of the experience.
We all want to stop thinking about him, right? We want to stop obsessing, but we don't know how. We cannot erase the Narcissist from our brain. It is not possible. However, we can retrain our brain.
You will have thoughts in the future about your ex that you'd rather not have. You cannot control thoughts that come to mind. Memory is memory. Once created, it cannot be erased.
However, the good news is you CAN control HOW you will respond to the thoughts that pop into your head and that is the key to reducing your obsessive thoughts.
Step 1 - Understand It
We made a commitment to educate ourselves on the pathology of Personality Disordered Individuals (PDIs). Knowledge is Power!
Step 3 – Get It Out
We share with others in order to validate and process the trauma we experienced.
Step 3 – No Contact
We came to accept the only way to restore our sanity and regain control of our lives is through “No Contact.”
Step 4 – Get Real
We no longer deny the reality of our past and are ready to face our anger, resentment and fear.
Step 5 – Wake Up
We tap into the power of our mind to awaken our spirit and take back control of our lives.
Step 6 – Heal
We have a newfound compassion for ourselves and have made a commitment to live in the moment. We are fully alive
I was just re-telling a story to a friend about the last time I went to a Sox game on the south side in the evening. I was there with a guy I had been out with once or twice before. There were four of us - myself, him and his two friends.
I disagreed with something he said. He lost it. No joke, he started yelling and screaming at me in front of his friends. So much so that I literally had to get up and walk away from him because it was so bad. After I pulled myself together in the bathroom and returned, he and his friends had left and I was there alone to find my way back home from the south side.
As we've discussed, when we try to get over a narcissist, our minds are experiencing severe Cognitive Dissonance. I first learned about Cognitive Dissonance in college. Basically, it is the difficulty of trying to hold two opposing thoughts or beliefs at the same time.
At the time, I smoked cigarettes and the easiest way for me to understand Cognitive Dissonance was to think of how I felt about my habit. I enjoyed it, but yet, I hated it because I knew it was bad for me, right?
Cognitive Dissonance leads to obsessive thought because we are trying to make sense of a situation that doesnâ€™t make sense. How can I love something that I also hate? That is the crux of the issue when trying to get over a narcissist.
Melanie Tonia Evans and I will discuss the importance of bringing your focus back to yourself in order to disconnect from the 'pulls' of the narcissist. Why do we feel so energetically enmeshed? What is the phenomena that is taking place? How can we 'cut the chords' and change our vibration so that it is no longer a match for the narcissist?
Tonight, July 12th
10:00 p.m. CST
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The "Internet" Guide to Emotional Blackmailers
(It doesn't take a lot to apply this to the ONLINE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILERS out there on the net - read carefully and TAKE HEED!! - EOPC)
A Girl's Guide to Avoiding the Emotional Blackmailer
by Suzanne Watts
Time heals all wounds. At least, thatâ€™s what they tell you when you mention that youâ€™ve been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).
But, does time really heal the wound thatâ€™s been brought to you by a break up or divorce?
I think that this is a common misunderstanding. Time would not heal anything if it didnâ€™t force you to go through a certain process.
Time is the medium, the healing is done by you.
Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed effectively, let alone completely, if you donâ€™t contribute anything to the healing process yourself.
Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.
Strength grows out of struggle. Moses was not born with a silver spoon. He was born to slaves and fortunate to be raised in the kings' palace. He never knew what it meant to face adversity. He had everything he needed as an adopted son of the kings' daughter.
Things changed for the worst when he attempted to fight for the right of his brethren. He killed to achieve that. He fled to exile when it occured to him that people knew about the murder.
Fleeing from the palace where he had security and good things of life exposed him to the other side of life. He struggled to survive and took up a job as a shepherd. You imagine how difficult it is to suddenly become a sheep keeper from the status of a kings' son.
Great post, NinjaGirl. I cannot speak highly enough about the healing power of exercise!
I have become addicted to the endorphin rush of working out. Without it, I get crabby.
Working out while in recovery is hard to do because it is the last thing you feel like doing. However, I have found certain exercise can help you channel your anger. Kickboxing is a great exercise for this purpose. My kickboxing instructor used to say:
"I love watching Lisa kickbox because it's so obvious she has a very specific target in mind when she is kicking and punching."
And he was right. I did! I was getting over my EXN and to picture him as a target when I hit helped incredibly with my anger.