Was I special to them? Liars lie; Cheater cheat; PD's are PD's

THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING THE "SPECIAL" ONE:

In response to Spinning’s link: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml

I have read this before and it is well worth rereading. As I progress in my recovery, something new always pops out at me.

Today it was: "So what if he has been incapable of honesty and integrity all his life?" This still amazes me the most about how they brainwash us and we are intelligent, insightful empaths and still they are able to snow us with the obvious. Yes, love is blind and it is particularly blind when you are with a manipulative PD. The notion that someone who is a pathological liar and lies about most everything except to us, strikes me as ridiculous today, yet at the time I so wanted to believe that it would be different with me.

A liar lies. A cheater cheats. A PD is a PD. Yet I was in a complete fog wanting to believe that it would be different with me. WHY I ask myself today. Am I special? Do I have a hidden talent for changing people? Perhaps I have Magical Powers? LOL! I guess I DID think that with me it would be different.

One day he did say to me: I can go out and find someone just like you tomorrow, you are not that hard to replace there are plenty of people like you out there.

I remember immediately getting angry and thinking, what is he trying to say? That I am not special? I got all defensive and said, oh really, you think so. You think there are people exactly like me out there? I immediately was struck with the realization that to HIM, I was not special, was not unique and that I was just supply. He did not view me as Goldie the special wonderful one, but as Goldie, just an easy mark who would put up with his crap. In his eyes I did not bring anything special or noteworthy to the table. It was a real eye opener and also made me realize that over the months with him I had been beaten down so low that opposed to thinking I was special, I had only been concentrating on how to keep him happy and had lost my ability to see that the truth of the matter was that he was not special and he was the one who brought very little which was noteworthy to the table.

It's funny how when you expend so much energy trying to get the other person to like you, it's easy to lose sight of whether or not you even like them. It becomes more of, am I good enough for him? The manipulation of the PD cuts deep and attacks you on so many different levels and gets enmeshed in your self-esteem, confidence and everything else to the point where the truth gets lost.

The truth is that as we become more self-actualized it becomes more about what they are bringing to us as opposed to what hoops we need to jump through to gain their approval. With a PD everything seems to get turned around and north becomes south and east becomes west. No wonder we come out of these relationships feeling like we have just been in a train wreck. It takes time to sort it all our and feel back on track again.

We need to have patience with ourselves, be gentle on ourselves, and remain NC long enough to allow the healing to begin. Any contact with them just starts the whole cycle up again and once again the mass confusion which this article so clearly describes.
Many have asked me: Do you think he really loved me and do you think I was special to him and of course do you think he loves the OW/OM more than me?

This is the crux for most of us and we go on about it in different ways all day long. The bottom line is that of course we want to be special to someone. This is a basic human need and to find out that we were NOT is just like falling off the edge of the earth for a spell and trying to claw your way back up to the top again in recovery, when we are done or they are done with us.

It is a horrible way to live and no wonder we spend so much time looking for those answers and hoping that when we at long last find our truth, that is will be different than what it is. We want it to be different, we want it to be: Yes, yes, yes, you were special, you were the best, he hates the OW/OM, he's only with them because he can't have you and of course that is never the answer we get. Too bad we could not just get this sooner, man oh man would it spare us months and years of pure torture.

Thanks again for sharing that, I still need to revisit this reality from time to time.

Much love and laughter, it's nice to be able to laugh about it today and if you are not able to laugh, yet, trust me, work on your recovery and one day the sun will shine again.

God bless,
Goldie