Narc Realities - Supply Economics by Baddream

More great member advice! This one is from Baddream:

I have spent hours and days reading some of the posts on the Psych forum, especially some of the very frank replies by the narcissists. It has taken me all these hours and all these years to really, truly fully understand what motivates them, every day, every hour, every second of their life.

With this understanding also comes the realization that there is absolutely nothing that I could ever do to make him change. Many of us continue to hope perhaps he will someday realize what he has lost, get help, change his ways, and come back to us as the man we first met once upon a time.

After spending some time in their heads, I can say there is absolutely no chance that will ever happen. If you are with someone who you know is an actual narcissist, you must stop this way of thinking and move on.

Many of us have been cheated on by the narcissist and hurt. This is not the same as being abused and cheated on by someone who is not a narcissist. The reason a narcissist cheats is not the same as another cheating partner. Sometimes someone who is unfaithful might feel bad about it afterward, sometimes there is remorse, there may even be a reason for the cheating. I am not condoning this behavior, only pointing out that a narcissist has one reason and only one to cheat, and that is SUPPLY. There is no such thing as remorse for a narc.

Everything a narcissist does, from the moment he awakens is measured in terms of supply and RELATIVE supply. To fully understand this concept I needed to take a step back and really comprehend what this is for a narc. Once I did, all the "whys" were answered.

What is Narcissistic Supply?

A narc is an addict, and EVERYTHING HE DOES is to obtain supply. Supply is approval and admiration from others. Supply is attention that the narc tries to get that reaffirms to him that he is a special and entitled person. He relies on this for his self esteem. Without it he ceases to exist in his own mind.

Where does he get Supply?

It can come from anyone---- his family, friends, business associates, girlfriend, one night stand, wife etc. OR it can come from exploits---- a project, a job, public attention, compliments, money, a car, an airplane, etc...

The point/connection I was missing for the longest time is that in the narcs mind, supply is all the same, regardless of where is comes from. The only difference is the relative AMOUNT of supply the narc gets from different people, and different things in his life. Everything is measured in terms of how much he can get, and THAT IS HOW THE NARC DECIDES who goes, who stays, what he is going to do today. That is all there is to it. Inside of every narcissist is a system or SUPPLY ECONOMICS.

When I thought about my relationship with the narc, it suddenly came together. For the longest time, I didn't get it, having spent hundreds of hours trying to figure it out. All those d&d's always came right after we had spent wonderful times together. Since we had a long distance relationship, we separated and went our separate ways. Shortly after, he completely dropped out of my life. Didn't hear from him for months. Well, now it so easy to understand.

Even though he told me how much he loved me, since I was not there I could not give supply, or as much supply as someone else. Since the other person was worth "more supply", I did not exist at all.

So often he would tell me he was putting me "on the shelf". The other narcs on that forum called that "the back burner". When I was on the shelf, my narc had lots of other supply. When that was running low, he would start calling, sending texts, gifts, etc. and sweet talk me and take me off the shelf again.

This is a very weird concept. Picture a scale on which the N measures supply. He really does weigh it in his mind. Everything he does is like that.

Here is another example of narc thinking. One time my narc. got an invitation to a party. A normal person would decide to go or not to go based on if he liked the other people and thought he would have a good time. How does a narc decide? My narc actually said that if he didn't go everyone would wonder where he was and be talking about him, and how much he would be missed. So he decided not to attend. Now, what kind of twisted thinking is that?

That is how narc. makes every decision including relationships.

If you are going to stay with your narc. you will need to be an object that dispenses supply. You are going to need to give him more and better supply than anyone or anything else. In order to do that you are going to need to give up who you once were. He does not care about you at all. Remember that. You were the supply, that's ALL it ever was.

If you are NC, stay that way. Even in your weakest moments, even during the holidays, if you were ever supply for the narc., you will always be potential future supply-- especially if the current supply dries up. If you were supply once, you will never really be safe, because in his mind, you were just a commodity, and always will be.

Be Careful! Use this knowledge!! NC!!!! Stay away!!!!!!!!