I believe the key to our recovery is to find ourselves again. When coming out of a relationship with a Narcissist, the fundamental crux of our problem is that we have lost ourselves in the Narcissist. Trust me, the Narcissist counted on this.
By causing you to doubt and question yourself, the Narcissist ensures you remain dependent on him and lose any sense of identity you once had. The key to getting better is to see the Narcissist for who he is, accept it and find yourself again.
Narcissists lead us to believe we have something we actually do not have, and we hold on to it. We think we have a relationship with an amazing person, when in reality we are living with an illusion that our relationship is special. The acting talent these personalities possess is astounding. They are brilliant con-artists and we must accept that the wonderful person we fell in love with NEVER existed. He hid behind a mask of smoke and mirrors in order to obtain control of us and manipulate us to meet his never-ending child-like needs.
Once we learn to see the Narcissist for the person he really is, we are finally able to free ourselves. We realize we do not need this person in our lives to feel whole and complete. We were whole and complete before this person entered our lives and we will be whole and complete once we end our relationship with this person. It is the Narcissist who is preventing us from being truly happy. It is so important you understand this.
NOTHING stands between you and your true self,but the Narcissist in your life!
The next step is to find yourself again! Just like the Narcissist disconnected from himself as a child, he has now caused us to disconnect from ourselves. Only by being honest with ourselves about the reality of our situation can this happen.
Step 5 - Wake Up - is dedicated to finding ourselves again.
We tap into the power of our mind to awaken our spirit and find ourselves again.
Whatever arises, we must not judge. We must not avoid. We must use everything that happens to us as a means for waking up. We must reverse our habitual pattern of trying to avoid pain by allowing ourselves to feel the moment and understand what it is we are meant to learn from it. We must stop looking for alternatives and cheat ourselves of the present moment.
Unlike the Narcissist, engaging the ego is an OPTION for us. We must remember to let go of our ego and discipline ourselves not to escape reality. Instead, we must practice acceptance. The ego always feels threatened and always lives in a state of fear and want. Once you understand this, you must step out of it so you can:
Get Real, Wake Up and Heal!
Face your fear. Surrender your ego! When we do not run, we discover our innermost essence. Whatever arises, we do not judge. Give up the idea that pain can be avoided and have the courage to relax with the reality of your situation.
Do not avoid your personal experience thinking there is something better out there. We must totally commit to our reality. Only then do we experience the world fully. We must stop thinking we can just run away. Only when we don’t hold back and prepare to escape, do we experience life and truly find ourselves. Commit to staying in the moment. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.
We should not be afraid to feel. We should not be ashamed of the love and grief it invokes in us. I would rather feel pain and know I’m alive than feel nothing. We must take it all in. Let the pain of the world touch your heart and turn it into compassion for yourself.
It is a process. Learning not to run away or lie to ourselves about our reality takes time. Running away is so deep-seated in us. We are conditioned so that the minute things get tough or we even think things are going to get tough, we run. The trick is to avoid running and commit to the moment….to stay there and deal with it. Instead of manipulating the situation or lying to ourselves, we allow ourselves to be with it and understand what we are meant to learn from it. It starts by learning to love ourselves unconditionally.
To accept uncertainty and stay with it is the path to true awakening. Sticking with uncertainty and learning not to panic or run is the path to spirituality. Accepting that we cannot control everything and everyone around us is to let go of our ego. Being pre-occupied with our self-image, what others think of our success and failure is like being deaf and blind. We lose sight of what is important and that is our relationship with ourselves.
Embrace the moment and be open to what you are supposed to learn from it. Wake up and allow yourself to experience pain. It is a fundamental part of life. We think by protecting ourselves from suffering we are being kind to ourselves. This could not be further from the truth. In fact, by doing this we are only becoming more fearful. This alienates us and hardens us. We disconnect from ourselves without even realizing it. If we shield ourselves from discomfort, we will suffer.
We must lighten up, relax and go easy on ourselves. Many of us find it easy to have compassion for others, but have very little for ourselves. It never occurs to us to feel it for ourselves. Living life with an unconditional love for ourselves changes everything. We get rid of the “should haves” and the “could haves” and gradually discover ourselves by being honest and staying in the moment. Without any agenda except for being real, we begin to find ourselves again. We assume responsibility for being here in this messy world and realize how precious life is.
I am often asked when the grieving ends. Everyone is different. You can’t put a time frame on the healing process. What I do know is that the longer you avoid your pain, the longer it takes to recover. We must confront our pain and process it in order to heal and move on. Writing about it helps, expressing ourselves helps, meditating helps. All of these things help, but it is up to you to put these things in motion for yourself. No one else can do it for you and until you do, you will remain stuck. You will not thrive. It is your choice.
By learning from the moments in life, we become more compassionate and can aspire to live in the now. We can relax and open our heart and mind to what is right in front of us in the moment. We see, feel and experience everything more vividly. This is living. Now is the time to experience enlightenment. Not some time in the future. Keep in mind, how we relate to the now creates the future.
“Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
When we find ourselves in a mess, we don’t have to feel guilty about it and angry. Instead, we should reflect on the fact that how we RESPOND to the situation determines whatever happens next for us. We can become depressed and cynical or we can look at it as an opportunity to make ourselves strong. It is all a choice. Being brave enough to be fully alive and awake every moment of life, including the dark times, is to truly experience life to its fullest. What seems undesirable in life should not put us to sleep or deaden us. Instead, it should wake us up and remind us of the things we should appreciate.
When we don’t close off and let our hearts break, we not only find ourselves, but we discover our kinship with all beings. This is why our on-line forum is so powerful. Connecting with others on a level no one else can is validating. Together, we help each other face the truth. Although, it may be extremely painful, it is absolutely essential in order to heal. To me, this is the essence of waking up. Bodhicitta is a Buddhist term for a noble or awakened heart and describes this process beautifully.
Together we help each other face the truth and by doing so, we are finally able to find ourselves again. This is the key to our recovery and our Path Forward.