How do you get your "HEART" to understand?

Self Forgiveness; Excellent Important Topic

How do you get your "HEART" to understand?

This is where I struggled the most.

Says it all for me. This is exactly where I had trouble with acceptance.

I got that he was a PD and highly disturbed.

I got that I was used and sucked into his seedy world of deception and manipulation.

I got that he would never love me in a way which resembled anything healthy.

I got that I could no longer consider him to be a part of my life on any level and that the relationship had been a farce.

Now what?

I was still left with me.

My heart, my feelings of love.

What I felt was real, regardless to what he felt.

Just because he was playing me, hurting me, and the ultimate discard, STILL did not take away the fact that I had invested my time, life, and heart in him.

I tried the anger, hate, revenge, route. THAT did not work well for ME.

I felt the primary reason I was angry was because I was trying to find a way to Rid myself of the tremendous hurt, pain, and longing for a DIFFERENT him feelings.

I could only stay angry for a day or so and then I would go right back into my true real feelings.

This was a nightmare, I thought.

I was stuck in cognitive dissonance.

One day loving him and then the next day hating him, just so I would not have to feel the love anymore.

THAT was way too painful and no way to live.

What I finally came to was: I did love him and I did not hate him. He is disordered and this is NO reflection on ME.

I did not cause or create this, nor am I able to cure or change him. He is who he is.


I began to accept him for what he is and me for what I am.

We are not the same; we are two different people.

I no longer had to pretend that I did not once upon a time love him deeply.

The next thing which came to me as a natural result of acceptance, was:


I began to explore forgiveness of not only him for what he did and what he is, also me, for having been sucked into this in the first place.

Believe it or not, it was easier to forgive him than myself.

I felt the fool and my ego was bruised and I struggled with acceptance and forgiveness of myself more than anything else.

I am NOT the type of person who can go through my life with resentments and anger towards anyone for any length of time, it eats away at me and I don't like it.

I need to find a way to put everything that happens to me in perspective so that I can move on from it.

The next thing that I found happening to me was forgiveness for my father.

He was the chief culprit after all. He was the one who set the stage in me for all the men who were to come after him.

He taught me and trained me to settle for less and to allow myself to get into this, try to fix them, save them, cure them role.

I decided that I wanted to shed that role once and for all, basically that I wanted MYSELF back.

By accepting and forgiving my father, I was able to at LONG LAST realize that what my father did to me was NOT my fault and therefore what the N/P did was not my fault.

I was a sweet loving child who had a Dad who was disturbed and the damage done was something which I had been carrying with me my entire life.

The relationship with the Narcissist as bad as it was forced me to look hard and deep into MYSELF for the solutions and although this has not been an easy process, facing those old fears, in me, it has been a life changing for me.

I am not the same person I was before the Narcissist.

I have a new understanding of myself and the world around me.

I have taken off my rose colored glasses, become real and balanced as a person.

I no longer look to another to bring me happiness.

I fully grasp that our happiness comes from within ourselves and if someone else can share in this great and if not, it is o.k. and right to LET THEM GO.

I have Goldie back and perhaps for the first time in many years, since that little girl was turned into a people pleaser, caregiver, for people who never did or never will know how to love her as she loved them with her entire heart and soul.

I love this scene from the movie Adaptation.

This is a dialog between the two main characters, twin brothers.

*Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.

Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.

Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.

Donald Kaufman: I remember that.

Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.

Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.

Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?

Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.

Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.

Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

Donald Kaufman: Whats up?

Charlie Kaufman: Thank you.

Donald Kaufman: For what?*

*~Charles Stuart "Charlie" Kaufman~

God bless; Together and Healing,

For additonal support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly,

The following is an example self forgiveness, one letter I received:

Self Forgiveness Letter:

I forgive you.

I forgive you for continually putting yourself in situations where you could be hurt.

I forgive you because I know your heart was always in the right place and I know you seek out the good in all people.

I forgive you for accepting unacceptable behavior.

I forgive you because I know you had good intentions.

And I know that you sometimes can not process why someone would do hurtful things to another person, since you would never consider doing those things that would harm someone.

I forgive you for believing in lies. I know they seemed like the truth.

I find your graceful way of giving the benefit of doubt to all, and living a life based on innocent until proven guilty to be a gift.

And I forgive you because I know you wanted those lies to be the truth.

I forgive you for your self doubt, low self esteem and inability to stand up for yourself.

I know you were not always like this, and I know you are working very hard to change things inside of you that bring you to these awful places of indecision and emotional pain.

I forgive you for the time you squandered trying to make a man love you.

I know you believed he was capable and I know you believed you could make things right.

I find this an admirable quality in you.

And I do not blame you for wanting only goodness and joy in your life and wanting to bring the same to someone else's life.

I forgive you for setting aside the gifts you have been given.

I understand your judgement was clouded by the games played by the man who faked his way in to your life.

And I know you are working hard to right those wrongs with the people who love you and you love in return.

Most of all, I hope you do not spend one more minute, feeling less than, unworthy, or stupid based on the events that have taken place in your life with this man.

I hope you know you are forgiven and you have the force of love and kindness from many around you and from within yourself to carry you through this.

I hope this forgiveness releases any ties you have that keep you chained in the past to a man who couldn't love you the way you deserve.

I hope this forgiveness shows you that you did the best you could with what you had to work with and that everyone who trully cares for you knows you had no malicious or indignant intent with regard to your actions.

They all know the true goodness that resides deep inside of you, it is not hard to see since you wear your heart on your sleeve.

I hope you always remember that you are loved...that you deserve to be loved...

I hope this letter brings you peace...

much love,

For additonal support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly,

Aug 20 - 11AM
Ophelia Standin...
Ophelia Standing Tall's picture

For all the pain

May 22 - 9PM
Narcphobia's picture

Thank you for this Goldie!

Apr 10 - 5PM
Janie53's picture


Dec 15 - 1PM
jjj1984's picture

Where I'm at

Dec 14 - 3PM
kelliejean123's picture

I like this

Mar 21 - 2PM
Angelina753's picture

Goldie, This speaks so

Feb 3 - 9AM
Garden's picture

Thanks Goldie

Sep 12 - 4PM
Radiolady's picture


Aug 17 - 6PM
wildfilly68's picture


Jun 16 - 5AM
Lala's picture


Jun 10 - 12AM
foreverfun1's picture

wow thankyou goldie, u have

May 14 - 9AM
bettawoman's picture

Thank you!!

May 9 - 3PM
erika astrid
erika astrid's picture


May 8 - 10PM
sexy72's picture


May 8 - 9PM
Reason2Believe's picture

Thank you, thank you,

May 8 - 12AM
lali876's picture

Your words soothe my heart

May 7 - 11AM
petite7heaven's picture

Very Real!

May 8 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
sexy72's picture

Me too!

May 6 - 11AM
Rozzo100's picture

So difficult

May 8 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
sexy72's picture

Because it just is

May 2 - 2PM
me's picture

Really Beautiful

Apr 30 - 6PM
Movingforwardnow's picture

Spot on!

Apr 30 - 3PM

Wow - this could be me...

Apr 30 - 1PM
Pumpkin's picture