Goldie's Blog

Getting Over a Narcissist Blog

Responding to contact

I think the true issue lies in the thinking BEFORE the hoover attempt is made.

IF the thinking is solid and focused on recovery and what a PD truly is and what the PD actually has done to DESTROY your life, the end result will be, NOT to answer or respond to the hoovering attempt at all.

I believe that the true problem lie's in the thinking which preceeds the hoover attempt.

These are some of the hurdles which I see the members face consistantly here on the forum:

He really does love me; he just had a bad childhood and has trouble expressing his feelings.

He may not even be a narc, so in my particular case I need to respond, he may have changed.

"I thought we bonded," Did we?

In answer to a question regarding why he no longer thinks his mother is a PD and Did we bond, it felt "to me" that way at times:

They only "appear to bond" to suck you in.

He may have been mildy interested in the childhood stuff at the time because of course.....it was all about him and an obvious way to suck you in, no brainer there for him.

The notion that he is disordered and his Mom is a cad is not something he will entertain with you now, why bother, it worked and he got what he wanted for a time.

He will only blame his Mom when it suits him. When she is not being good supply and as soon as she fixes something for him or gives him money, support whatever, she is A Okay is his book. Until the next time she says NO or pisses him off and then she is the "bad one."

Role you, friend, OW play to the PD

PD's are known for black and white thinking.

Some of them like to come across as easy going, a great friend, and person. The truth of the matter is that PD's are quite rigid in their thinking and their actions. They know exactly what they DO or DO NOT want from you. You are either IN or OUT and this can "appear" to change like the wind. This is why it feels so intense to the receiver. When you are IN it is all encompassing and when you are out it feels like you have been hit by a cold front. The contrast can be startling the first time you experience this.

There appears to be much confusion as to: What is a PD?

A PD's behavior often comes across as a series of contraditions and it is often difficult to sort it all out.

A PD is a personality disorder, it is not a choice, and is ingrained into the personality and has become part of the makeup of the person.

We especially as women, are trained to be caregivers, problem solvers, and have big hearts and souls which basically believe that with enough LOVE anything is possible. Just watch a few love stories or Disney movies and everything, no matter how bad, most always has a happy ending and love pervails. Love got Heidi's grandfather off the mountain. Love helped the little girl to walk again. Love cures alcholism, sexual orientation, and changes the bad into good in the movies which we watched when we were kids.

The Denial System of the Codependent and the Narc

The Narc comes back when supply is low and he needs or wants something.

Tells you new lies. What he thinks you want to hear

He has to, otherwise you will not listen.

He promises to try harder. Never to hurt you like that again.

He can't live without you and will make the necessary changes, after all, you were no prize either is what he hopes you will believe (it takes two mentality). He has changed and will be better and different.

He hopes your time apart has taught you some lessons regarding how to better behave.

He suggests to you, not talk to quite so much about the relationship. After all.....

He's back

He loves you.

Now. Let it be.

He's back. Be happy.

Narc speak:

I'm back!!

As though time has stood still.

Step 5 – Wake Up

While chatting with a member today regarding how much we give to the Narc and how little we receive in return a story came to mind regarding a therapy session the Narc and I had with a Psychologist and how it relates to my family of origin dynamic.

This is Step 5 work, Wake Up, so if you are new and do not relate to this right now, no worries, continue to keep working the first 3 steps for now.

Step 5: We tap into the power of our mind to awaken our spirit and find ourselves again.

The Cycle

BY Guest Blogger Prettypeeved:

This is how it worked for me, until I'd had enough:

1. Narc is all nice and friendly. We get on well, we have some fun, we (apparently) bond.

2. Facts about Narc start to look suspiciously exaggerated or outright fiction. Bond looks suspiciously one-sided.

3. Narc starts playing mind games and evading attempts to determine the truth.

4. I get increasingly angry.

5. A point is reached where I begin to think of abandoning the Narc and moving on.

6. Narc seems to sense this, and D&Ds.

7. I am "put on the naughty step" and "given a time out" for about 3 months, until I learn to "behave".

8. It hurts to be abandoned and rejected, so when he returns, he is forgiven for his behaviour, and I try to forget it and move on.

Beware of the: NARC ATTACK; A Narcissists Revenge ~Goldie

You are in early recovery or new recovery after a slip. You have made it through the hardest part, or so you thought. He or She is now out of your life and you are ready to go NO CONTACT for the first time or again. In new recovery for most of us, one part of the day we are empowered and feeling like we are getting ourselves back and the other part is pure torture.

The knowing in one part of your brain that it is a no win situation and then of course the emotional part kicks in and the bittersweet sadness, longing, and physical withdrawal. Cognitive dissonance. These relationships are like an addict with their drug and most describe the withdrawal as a physical aching and pain.

A big welcome to all of you joining or visiting our forum for female PD's/It's All About Her

This is fantastic Lisa,

We now we have a place of healing here where we can reach both men and women. Also we do address ALL the personality disorders. I will include a link so you can read a more detailed description of the other PD's and as Lisa said there are more diagnoised male narcissists. Women traditionally tend to be more borderline and histrionic.

Most all of the PD's do in fact include Narcissistic features and components, therefore, you may see the narcissistic traits in them as well. Also a PD can have traits of other PD's without necessarily having that disorder full blown. They usually have a primary diagnosis and then can have features of one or more of the other PD's. This is why it is important to read the links and see what fits for the PD whom you know.

OMG, Lisa E. Scott, you had me in tears

Lisa, my dear,

You are truly gifted with the art of writing, and coming from a family of published writers; that is a HUGE compliement from me.

I particularly loved this comment and this is WHY I am loyal and devoted to this site and cause:

"We're ruffling some feathers and I like it!" Lisa E. Scott

I also want to ruffle some feathers. Enough is enough of how women are being treated in the year: 2011. This needs to stop and this needs to stop NOW and I am privledged to be a part of bringing this awareness and healing to others and myself.

We are in a position as AMERICAN women who are healing and becoming the POWERFUL, self actualized women whom GOD himself intended us to be.

Have you read the bible where it refers to women as the HEART of the household.