Narcissist Recovery Blog

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Will the Narcissist treat the Other Woman better than me?

I have a question for you, what is your truth?

I am asked this question daily, will the narcissist treat the other woman better than me?

What if he did?

What does that mean?

Even if someone prefers to treat someone better than you what does that say about them?

What does that say about you?

Honestly, my x narc could treat the next woman like a queen, a goddess, and it still has nothing to do with me.

I grew up with a father who ignored me (could not see me) and treated my ordinary sister like a queen, goddess, and so on.

For years I could make no sense of this and it hurt my feelings.

Reality check: The clock keeps ticking

A very good friend of mine passed away yesterday.

She was not ill, not battling a devastating disease.

No. Less than two weeks ago when she was leaving her job at the library she tripped and fell. Her hands were full with book bags--no surprise, she was curious about everything--so she was unable to do much to cushion her fall. She feel forward, on her face. Suffered a broken nose, broken jaw and more injuries I cannot even think about.

Her husband was waiting in their vehicle outside. As always, he was picking her up from work. The entire thing took seconds to unfold, and he saw all of it.

"Guard Your Heart"

"Guard your heart."

This is where the problem lies for us. Still looking for approval, water if you will, from the dry well. This is what got many in the problem in the first place. Looking for approval from our dad's (a normal expectation) and the bf/husband (again, a reasonable want and hope). They didn't have it to give. Not in a way that we found comforting.

Some may have lost their Mom's or they were emotionally absentee or roller coaster in personality.

I have been there. Wanting so badly to receive the support from the men in my life. Yet it was not in the cards.

After feeling the pain and releasing it. Acceptance becomes the key. And a strong resolve to never ever put ourselves in a position to look for approval to that extent outside of ourselves again.

What I learned along the way.....about love.

Today's Valentine's Day Blog comes to us from a guest blogger we are honored to share with you. Her name is Zizi and she is (No Longer) Spinning's Aunt!

Zizi has an amazing blog at:

www.LettersFromZizi.blogspot.com

which I encourage all of you to visit. The blog below is one of many empowering and inspirational blogs by Zizi.

Zizi has a great wealth of wisdom to share and I feel the blog below has a particularly important message for all of us here to remember, not only today, but every day.

February 14, 2014
by Zizi @ www.LettersFromZizi.blogspot.com

What I learned along the way.....about love.

Daughters of my heart.....and others,

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!, the day we celebrate love in its many forms.

Charlie & The Female Narcissist

Charlie and Monica had been together several months and Monica was still going to dinner with other men on a regular basis. Despite wanting Charlie to put a ring on her finger, Monica did not understand why Charlie had an issue with the fact that she needed to have dinner with other men once or twice a week. She told him if she didn’t continue to see these other men, whom she swore were just friends, she would feel smothered and stifled by him.

Not only did she expect him to accept this without question, but he was never invited to join these dinners. For almost 8 months, Charlie put up with Monica going out to dinner in NYC with other men, most of whom she once dated and were obviously attempting to win her over.

Obsessing About the Narcissist

Anyone who has ever been hurt by a narcissist knows the pain lasts a long time. People tell us to just get over it and move on, but it’s not that simple. In order to heal from the aftermath of a narcissist, we must obsess about it before we can truly move on. Below are six reasons why:

1) TO UNDERSTAND IT

Before we can even think of moving on, we must educate ourselves on the pathology of the narcissist’s personality. Only then, can we truly understand we did nothing to bring about their sudden change in behavior from extreme over-valuation to total devaluation.

We must understand and accept that the eventual neglect and abuse experienced in a relationship with a narcissist is inevitable and realize they will keep coming back to give us more until we put a stop to it.

Silent Treatment, No Contact, Discard

What does it all mean?

NC is something done when one realizes they are in a toxic unhealthy R when used for our purposes here.

It is a choice one makes.

ST is designed to get a reaction out of you as Used clearly described to you.

Every time a narcissist does not choose to engage with you, it is not always either or (ST/NC).

Sometimes it's discard. You are not serving a purpose right now for them.

You are a booty call, cash-cow, social status hit, being used for triangulation purposes or any reason they have. They need an ego boost. Status report; to see if you have new supply. The rules you must follow do not apply to them. They are bored. It varies.

If none if those reasons apply today, you will not hear from them.

An Attitude of Gratitude After the Narcissist?#@!

The happiest people do not have the best of everything, they make the best of everything.

We've all heard that an "Attitude of Gratitude" can change your life. Thanksgiving is a perfect time to explore this and be grateful for life's lessons.

We cannot control what happens to us in life, but we can control how we respond to it, right? How we respond, in my opinion, is what makes all the difference in the world.

When coming out of a relationship with an abusive narcissist, we face a huge amount of uncertainty.

Did he ever love me?
Will he ever change?
Will he try to win me back?

Are Narcissists Evil? Or simply not thinking about you at all ?

Personally I believe:

Some people prefer to see the narc as evil, rather than the truth, which is, they don't give a damn about you, your wants, or your feelings. Using you and not caring about you is not the same thing as evil.

It may FEEL like evil to you because you want more.

I also don't believe too much in ST.

Again. I believe that calling it ST is a comfort to you.

Pretending he is away to punish you, when the reality is most of the time, if the narc is not with you he is doing something else. Narcs require supply.

Sure they may pout for a few, though not nearly as long as you think they do.

Most of them have a big smile on their face as they are texting OW while storming out of your house. That would be a more accurate description of what they do.

This is how it ends...

#1 "Good morning. Thank you for the pleasant evening. I hope your journey is not too stressful. I am sorry that we have had such problems...

#2 "And I am also sad that you do not want me physically. I understand this. Why would you? I am no longer interesting or cute (in any way) or...

#3 "Anything at all like Timothy Treadwell or Christopher McCandless. My youth and my mystery once held has departed. Now I am just another old, dumb...

#4 "rink rat who was an idiot cop. Oh well. Geez, now I don't want to have sex with me! Anyway, we have had some really fun times. I think so anyway...

#5 "I cannot be in a relationship with someone who does not want to make love with me. It has been an honour and a privilege. May your Gods be with you and...

#6 "and your tribe. Au revoir."

What is great sex anyway?

This topic comes up frequently as you may imagine it would within a relationship with a Narcissist. Sex is often used as a manipulative and bargaining tool.

I often hear: The sex was the best, the greatest, the most intense, dangerous, thrilling, and of course I also hear the opposite, it was the worst, or a combination of, it was the greatest; now the worst.

What does Great mean, anyway?

Great:

I have had great talks with my son
I have had great walks with my dog
I have had great talks with my fellow Moderators
I have had great laughs over foolish mistakes I have made
I have had great breakthroughs which allow me greater peace of mind
I have had great inspirational moments with members in my support groups
I have great aha moments within my soul