Do they love us, feel pain, miss us?

My response to this question:

I was just thinking about this the other day, my growth in recovery. How I used to cry or get so angry over the Narc stuff and now for the most part the emotional part is gone.

We all want to know if they feel, hurt, love. I get asked this question more than any other question. I suppose no one wants to feel as though they gave their soul to the devil or their soul to someone who was using them for supply and never cared. The notion that it was all a game and pretend, is more than most rational feeling people can take in the beginning. The beginning of recovery is filled with these questions and even as time goes by and we are completely educated on these disorders; there still remains from time to time those occasion lingering thoughts. Did he feel anything? Did he care at all?

The way my Narc described it was that he loved me, wanted to spend his life with me and never leave me. But.....he had some kind of a chemical imbalance since he was a child where even though he had the thoughts and the notion of all of that he was incapable of showing it in ways that others do. That he is damaged goods and cannot show or emotionally tell what the appropriate responses and demonstrations would be in a loving relationship, so basically the other person would have to just know this, accept this, and go with it because that is who and what he is.

I said to him: OMG you just perfectly described a Narc and he said yes, I guess that is what it is. I don't doubt that they KNOW they are different and that things do not work out the same for them as they do for other people, but they have no way of fixing this and what they give to us is the best they have to give. The only way they can function is to pretend that they feel so that we won't leave them and when we find out the truth they freak out and abuse us because they get so angry because they don't have any way to change the way they are and they sincerely don't relate to what we are complaining about because they don't feel it, they just think it and get angry and afraid of being alone, so they will do or say anything to keep us on the hook to avoid the void of having no supply. I believe it is more the void which disturbs them than the feelings of love, loyalty, and commitment. They don't have that because it is all about them and we represent supply.

So from all of this and looking at all the other narcs, it looks to me like they have the notion of pain, love, and emotions; they just don't FEEL them like we do. So he may have the notion of pain over you and missing you, he just lacks the feeling of it. Sounds like a horrible way to live to me and at this point, I mostly feel pity for them and I have a strong sense of wanting to protect myself and others from the damage of them.

It took me well over a year to finally get, that they don't feel and it is no reflection on who I am and honestly, I think they love us the best they can which of course is not enough.

God bless,
Goldie