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Best Member Advice of the Day

Lisa E. Scott's picture
Submitted by Lisa E. Scott on Jun 29 - 10PM

"The Abuser and Abusee"
June 29, 2010
by James
http://alturl.com/vnvu

“Abusers like to bring you down to their level”

“You may find yourself becoming abusive in retaliation; in this case the abuser can say you are no better than the abuser. Note: Abusers are much better at arguing and winning so going down to their level means that you have lost; this is a variation of one person hitting another until the other eventually hits back.”

I know there is no such word as “abusee” but please allow me to explain.

Whenever we are involved with an abuser we will abuse as well. The abuser abuses to control and manipulate us. We abuse to fight back and take back what sanity we have left. The abuser destroys our self-esteem our personal power and in short our personality. We are told we are nothing. That no one else will love us and many other words and statements to rob you of all that is you.

We abuse (defend) just to keep our hearts and heads above water from their torrent of constance abuse. Also the abuser will use this as a way to belittle you even more by stating you are just like them but the abuser never see it for what it really is. They abuse to control but we abuse just to stay alive albeit emotional and psychologically.

Whenever we are involve in an dysfunctional relationship we are in verbal emotional and psychological battle. Never really knowing when and where the next attack will come from. We walk on mines (eggshells) around them never knowing what we do to “bring down the house” no matter how small or large the oversight might be. They fire shots of verbal abuse like a machine gun. They will sabotages events and holidays just like any saboteur in a war. We fight (abuse) to maintain ground and position just like any army will do in a conflict of war.

The abuser fights to win!
We fights to survive!

Please don’t expect an abuser to see this or to acknowledge it so whenever he/she tells you that you are just as bad as them. Don’t believe it for there is a different! A very “big” different from being the abuser and the “abusee”."

http://alturl.com/vnvu

Jul 3 - 10PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Disarming with kindness

I KNOW my ex-P wanted to see me angry, humiliated, rejected... and probably self-destructive and suicidal. He probably got his thrills from hearing about how I was in tears all over campus. When I FINALLY confronted my ex-P about his dishonesty and abusiveness, the fact that I did it kindly and compassionately thoroughly frustrated him. I wasn't yelling at him. I wasn't cussing. When I told him that my friends considered him a jerk (and I put it that I thought he was ACTING like a jerk, because we're human and fallible) for not telling about his girlfriend, he was utterly disarmed. I explained that he had hurt me on purpose. I spoke kindly, coolly, like a therapist. He had wanted to see me as the Furious Woman Scorned. Instead, I told him that I wanted him to be HAPPY with his fiancee. That outraged him. I said "better happy with her than unhappy with me." I thought kindness would yield an apology... that did NOT work. He did make a word salad, and I pointed out his contradictions. I said,"How do you expect me to hate you and admire you at the same time?" He said that students are SUPPOSED to hate their teachers. I did a baffled "You wanted me to hate you all this time? That's what our relationship was supposed to be?" I said that if he wanted to fulfill a role instead of be a person, he should go to LA (where his girlfriend was from) and go into acting. But I was really, REALLY nice about it.
Jul 2 - 12AM
Miss Dior
Miss Dior's picture

Lisa this explains the abuse pattern perfectly!

Lisa, this article you wrote is sooo profound. I have read it 3 times. You know, although I know my situation was not all my fault (the nasty physical fight, the police showing up, me getting charged) I was kind of feeling guilty... like because i was the one went to jail, so maybe i am the guilty one??? but when you explain what happens when you are emotionally abused, it helps to understand why women (or partners) have no option, it seems, but to fight back physically. They just wear you down, its like you have nothing left, you are sooo desperate to get through to them, you are so desperate for them just to love you and be nice to you... and to stop being angry at you, and to stop calling you names.. and when they impose so much hurt into us, it leaves nothing within us but rage.. that is the only emotion that we have left. Like you said, WE DO IT TO SURVIVE! My sis also said that, its a matter of survival at that point. Thanks for your very insightful message :) Bouquet of flowers to you.