I simply would not take no for an answer.
Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back over how and why I found myself in a relationship with a Psychopathic Narcissist, a common theme becomes evident, I would not take no for an answer. Time and time again, the signs were all pointing towards no. No, this relationship is not going to work out and no he is not good for you. Almost out of the gate, it was casually mentioned by my son that he did not find Matt to be a spiritual man. What the heck did that mean? Not spiritual, what, not a church goer? What difference does that make? I have feelings for him, strong feelings, the strongest feelings I have ever had for anyone. Doesn't that come into the equation? Shouldn't my feelings be the overwhelming deciding factor? After All, he wants to marry me, he says he loves me a hundred times a day, he is with me every chance he gets, and he says I am his soulmate. "I love you bebe" is swimming in my head. He loves me, he really loves me. He bursts into the house and shouts: "where is my bebe? I love you so much bebe." Who would do this and say this if you wasn't true? No one, that's who, no one would declare their love for you throughout the day if it wasn't true. We even went down to the Town Hall and got our marriage license. Why would we do that if he wasn't sincere? Anyway, still I had my doubts. I was older than him and different than him. We came from different backgrounds, certainly we had different belief's, isn't that a good thing? You don't want someone just like yourself and I was not going to allow the fact that he was not as spiritual as I am, stand in the way of how I felt when I was with him. Here's proof that he really loved me, when we would go to the Mall he would hold my hand in public, and introduce me to his younger friends as his girl. Now, come on, seriously, he would not be doing that if he was not sincere about his feelings for me, right? He also called me sexy, hot, and said I was out of his league and he was lucky that I even gave him the time of day. Wow, he thinks that about me? That's what I was thinking about him. Well, not so much in the intelligence department or the social skills department and a few other things, but certainly with the age and fun factor. He was fun, not like the usual boring stuffy guys who looked my way. I was tired. Tired of being a full time single mother and sole bread winner for my family. Exhausted from being the care giver to my dysfunctional family of origin. Young and fun was looking damn good to me right about now. Early on, I suspected Narcissism and yes, even psychopathy, yet I easily stuffed down those thoughts. So what, I rationalized, isn't everyone a little narcissistic and a bit nuts? I think so, no one is perfect, who am I to judge? Yes, I was put off in a major way the first time he called me a cunt and slammed his big fist into my wall leaving a gigantic hole, and yes the first time I found something missing and it was suspected by others that he was the culprit. Did I tell you that he was a "recovering" drug addict? Let's save the details for another day, I will spare you the horror of all of that. Suffice to say, that through it all, I was still his bebe and he still loved me like no other and no, I was not going to let a drug problem stand in the way of holding on to the love of my life and the way he made me feel. I will not lie to you here, it was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain my stance of, not taking no for an answer at this point, yet, I was still on board with seeing this through. I will not bore you with the mundane day to day here, let's just fast forward to the bow breaking and the shit hitting the fan. He's in jail doing a 9 month sentence for theft, destruction of personal property, assault, and a whole litany of additional charges. A couple of noteworthy events took place at this point. Amazingly I ran into his cell mate, a stranger to me, who was disgusted with his continuous 24/7, trashing and bashing of a woman while incarcerated together, who come to find out was me. I have never known such pain upon hearing the details of these lengthy character assassinations of me. This is for sure when my cognitive dissonance begins. How could the man of my dreams and love of my life speak of me in such vile hateful terms? I am embarrassed to tell you what he said, you may get the picture when I tell you that I was unable to stop crying for over a week and feared for my health and well being. I also ran into his life time best friend, who filled my ear with a couple hundred more truths about illusion of a human being, my Matt. That was it, now I know, he is evil, sick, twisted, and not my soul mate or the love of my life by any stretch. The ensuing summer is a blur, a blur of wine, music, and pain. Yes, I knew what he was and knew he was poison to me and I had to eradicate him from my system once and for all. I put on a great show of understanding, faith, and having moved forward, up and away from my decent into hell. Yet, was a ready to take no for an answer? Was I willing and ready to face and admit that my beloved was not such a beloved After All? I thought I was.
February came and another Valentine's Day sick and tired of the advertisements about true love and all the rest of that crap. By this point I was 100% no contact. No letters allowed from him to me from prison, no more conversations with people he knew and all the rest of it.
There was a knock on the door, well do I have to tell you who it was? Yup, it was him. He looked great, sounded great, was sorry, wanted to pay me back all the money he had stolen, told me I looked great and blah blah blah..........How fast I forgot.......How fast I returned to me stance of not wanting to or not willing to take no for an answer.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Everyone was wrong about him, I was wrong about him, he had changed. Jail had done him good. I was actually grateful that my beloved had been sent home to me. He found God in prison and found his true love for me while in prison.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Didn't take long this time around for the shit to hit the fan again and to find us right back where we were prior to his incarceration.
The issue was never whether or not he was disordered or whether or not he was good for me. I came to clearly see that the issue was in me.
I was hellbent on making this work. I was determined to fix this, cure this, save this. I was not going to take no for an answer. I wanted what I wanted and no one was going to tell me anything different, not even myself.
I was the issue. My belief system which allowed me to believe that no matter what, no matter the price or the cost to me, I was not going to admit defeat, give up, or settle for anything less than restoring this thing back to it's original luster.
I came to see that the very trait in me which had allowed me to overcome a severely disordered family or origin, to fight my way though the struggles and insurmountable hurdles as a single parent and business women, were not serving me so much in the places of my heart and my love life.
Yes, it had been a great trait when it was channeled towards survival in other area's of life, yet when my strength, courage, and fierce determination turned on me and began to cause my emotional, physical, and spiritual, self destruction, this was the beginning of my wake up call that sometimes what we think and believe may work in one area of our lives, may not work so much in another.
I had been in survival mode for so long: make it happen, make it work, you can do this, I found myself unable to flip the switch and realize that this model of operation simply does not work or fit into making a relationship with a psychopathic narcissist successful. In fact, this type of determination is not the template to be using in relationships in general. Matters of the heart and survival are two different venue's.
I had the belief system that relationships were supposed to be difficult, they were supposed to be hard work. In fact, the more challenging the better. Life is challenging and one must fight to survive, why should this situation be any different than the rest of my life?
This realization was the pivotal to my recovery and healing. The narcissist was not the issue, the way I thought and what I perceived and believed was what was keeping this buzz alive. I did not need to change my narcissist or fix my narcissist, I needed to change the way I thought about relationships in general. I needed to change the way I thought about what love was all about. What is was and what it wasn't. I needed to stop thinking that I was a failure or not good enough if I took no for an answer.
Sometimes no is the best answer I will ever receive. Sometimes taking no for an answer is more about truth and freedom from pursuits that will never net results, will never result in happiness or peace of mind.
Sometimes putting down the struggle and the fight are the answer. Sometimes love comes slowly and gently and is not all about winning and getting your way and proving that you were able to stay in the game until you claim victory.
Sometimes love is about admitting defeat, and walking away with your self respect and dignity.
Today, it is ok for me to take no for an answer. Sometimes taking no for an answer is in fact a victory and "not a spiritual person" means everything to me today. I don't want to be with someone who lacks values, loyalty and integrity. I'll take that over, "I love you so much bebe" every day of the week.
Show me; don't tell me.
Together and Healing,
While the details of our stories may differ, the formula is generally the same.