A Manipulative Narcissist's Dream Target/Man/Woman
Traits a Predator is looking for in YOU: A Narcissist Shopping List.
Arming yourself from the predators which live among us.
I have worked with hundreds of clients now, from all walks of life and have composed typical profile's of the most likely candidates to be selected (targeted) by Narcissists.
Finding the perfect target/supply for a Narcissist is not an easy task. This is why the are always on the lookout for potential new victims. Supply who does not know what they are all about. Fresh clean slates.
Many are great supply in the beginning, yet as they catch on and wise up, they become a drag for the Narcissist. Along with the fact that Narcissists grow easily bored.
Nothing enjoyable for the Narcissist in Old Supply who has become suspicious, confrontational, depressed, perhaps, self medicating to ease the pain of being with the Narcissist. At that point, he looks at you and says, damn, do something about yourself, you are a mess. Not appealing for the Narcissist.
They enjoy the chase, the hunt, and the prospect of new unsuspecting ADORING Supply.
Let's face it, once your are on to them, the gig is up. You become the fall back, the fill in, the last resort type of role. Of course as long as you provide them with something they want, they will return until they find New Supply which is equal to or greater than you. This is why many get dumped without a moments notice. Up until that point, some aspect of you was still of use to them. Money, a place to live, social status, sex, and so on. When they decide there is nothing left to suck from you, or they have greater supply elsewhere, they are gone. Not to say, they won't be back when Other Supply dries up, if it does. It's a win win for them. Give's you a chance to pull yourself together and become appealing again and give's them a chance to try to secure greener pastures. Basically they give you a cooling down period and a rest and renewal and gets you off their back while they are sucking in New Adoring Supply. Obviously, if they don't leave and force you to dump them, they haven't secured a better deal yet for themselves. Doesn't mean by any stretch that they have not been looking. Great Supply, is often hard to come by, depending on what they Narcissist brings to the table as well. Some secure newbie's easily and some do not. This also is no reflection on how much they care for you. Let's face it, Narcissist's are out for themselves, so if they are coming back, all is not better for them in Camelot.
A Narcissist is looking for a chink in your armor, a means in which to gain access to your inner sanctuary. Some of these traits may also be your strengths. It is more how you execute these strengths in a relationship setting which may make them target worthy to the Narcissist.
They also look for any signs of weakness, vulnerability, self doubt, insecurity, stress, family of origin patterns, and naivete in any area of your life and personality. They look at your needs, desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies, and deep longings. They analyze and study your disappointments, losses, and fears. They are particularly interested in where you feel you have failed, made mistakes, and found yourself in situations where you did not feel you were on top of your game.
A Narcissist is watching for what makes you laugh, when do you cry, what excites you, where you show fear. Basically what brings you up and what takes you down.
They listen, watch and learn.
Most of them can size up a new target within minutes. They watch how you carry yourself, are you confident in some settings, fearful in others, and what makes you tick.
They are looking for your hot spots, and weaknesses in order to gain control of you, your emotions, and they are looking for what specifically they may gain from you. Where you are vulnerable and what you have to give to them.
The process is two fold for the Narcissist, what am I going to take and get out of the deal and where is my access?
They will also be looking at your strengths, what is in it for me? They want the best possible supply they can secure, yet they want to be in control.
The Narcissist is looking for what they want and need.
This will vary as to what it is they want from you.
They want the best they can find for what ever those needs may be.
Sex in general
Financial security/Cash Cow
Attractiveness to make them look good in your presence
A victim to tolerate covert and overt abuse
A Mother for their children
And so on....
Obviously all these will not apply to you. You are selected to serve your particular purpose.
All Narcissists are not created equal, some have more to offer from the outside looking in, so they are likely to attract top notch supply, others, not so much, so they take the best they can find within their scope.
When looking for New Supply a Narcissist is looking for someone who demonstrates some of or all of the following traits and qualities:
A Narcissist is looking for someone who is strong, intelligent, attractive, empathetic, sexy, socially connected, financially secure, and so on for their home base. Some of this may not apply when they are looking for hook ups or those to abuse physically. Not to say they won't abuse anyone because they might. Just to say that sometimes some of them compartmentalize. The Madonna Whore Complex. Also the old saying, treat a lady like a whore and a whore like a lady, keeps the target off guard. In other words treat the target differently than she is generally treated, allowing her to feel special or excited, living dangerously or treated like a Princess. It's the unexpected which keeps the target thinking she has found a prize. This is not to say that anyone here is a whore, I am simply using this analogy to illustrate the way the Narcissist thinks. He judges women harshly and deliberately and categorizes them early on. This one is trash, this one is class. This one is suffering from low self esteem, this on is going to require more work. The Narcissist reads people well. This is a talent they have which enables them to easily spot strengths and weaknesses in others in order to spin their webs of lie's and deception sucking you in and firmly placing their hooks in your psyche.
Narcissist do not love women, they hate them. They resent their very essence primarily because they know on some level they need them and it sickens them inside to feel such weakness. After all, they are control freaks who fear intimacy.
They know they need to play nicey nice in the beginning to suck you in and many have described this phase as simply exhausting and draining. Keeping up the pretense is a chore for the Narcissist. Sure they may be getting a rush, high, hit, over the newness and the thrill of watching you succumb to their charms, yet in the long run, it becomes work for them. As we all know they don't enjoy the mundane tedious task of keeping you happy, as inside of them, it's all about them. So, most of them flip the switch early on, yet many don't ever notice this, as they are on their own high over their great fate in meeting such an amazing creature as the Narcissist.
The Narcissist is looking for someone who is emotionally naive yet highly functioning for their home base. A strong women who makes foolish choices with men. They know they are a foolish choice for you, they are hoping you are not aware of this.
I have high profile clients who can whip their asses around a board meeting like nobodies business, yet when it comes to matters of the heart they are emotionally naive.
Emotional naivete has nothing to do with practical intelligence. They are two entirely different aspects of the human makeup.
They target those who believe in the goodness of mankind. That everyone has potential and can overcome their obstacles. That change is possible for everyone with love, understanding, patience, and kindness.
They prefer those who view others through their own lens. Those who struggle to believe that there are bad people in the world, people who lie, steal, cheat, and abuse others. Oh sure, they may recognize that this happens to others, yet they have blinders on and struggle to acknowledge, face, and accept that it could happen to them. That it is happening to them as we speak.
The Narcissist and the Married Women~
This is going to be fun. She's married. No responsibility for me. I love to bang another dudes wife, what a hit for me. She's feeling blue and insecure about her looks and sexuality. Do I have the cure for that or what? I'll tell her what she wants to hear, screw her like a sailor on leave, and receive hassle free sex, presents, and she will fall in love with me in no time. This one is going to be a cake walk. I am bored, he says, shortly into this liaison, let's see what I can get her to do sexually to PROVE her love and devotion for me. He chuckles to himself, let's see if she will do other guys, let me smack her around some (under the guise of playful sex), I'll take some pics and video for future blackmail purposes, what the heck, she's so stuck on me, she will never suspect my true motives, the dumb bitch. All this future faking is exhausting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you are my soul mate and I want you to leave your husband and become exclusive with me and we can have a great life together, sure, sure, sure, whatever you want to hear, is fine with me to say, I don't give a shit one way or the other. This is fun fun fun, I get exactly what I want from her, with no strings attached. WTF, he says to himself one day, she did not jump when I called. Screw that, I'll show her. I'll tell her if she does not leave her husband I am done. I'll punish her with some silent treatment, why not, my other Girlfriend has been wanting to spend more time with me anyway. Damn, she left her husband, now what? She doesn't seriously think I was really wanting her all to myself. I have way too much going on for that. I only wanted to see how much control I had, see if she would leave him for me. Well she did, now it's on her. I'll just tell her, I'm not ready for all of this, it all happened too soon. I need time, she need's time, whatever, just make her stop calling me and texting me, it's driving me crazy.....I think I better give her a cooling off period, this is way too much hassle and stress for me. At this point, the Narcissist Degrades and Devalues, and the relationship is never the way it was in the beginning again and he never becomes the answer to your original marital woes. You have been duped by a Narcissist who got off on the thrill, the chase, the hunt of the Married Women. They especially enjoy taking you away from a boyfriend or husband. It's a challenge, shows them they can control you, and keeps them from becoming too bored early on. Of course once they have you, the thrill is gone.
You are mess, now trying to recover from the loss of a marriage and the loss of the illusion of the Narcissist, the loss of all the future faking.
In some cases, you don't leave your husband and he may or may not know of your involvement with the Narcissist. In those cases you are left with nothing from the Narcissist and a unsuspecting husband who has no clue regarding what has happened. You do not have him to share and process your feeling as he doesn't know or if he does know, he couldn't possibly understand.
Some Narcissists target the Christian woman. What a match made in heaven. She believes that God can and will fix and heal everything. She also may believe that as a woman it is her personal responsibility to stand by her man and support and help him with all of his issue's. She believes that marriage is for keeps and tolerates his abuse way past reasonable human endurance. She fears feeling a failure to herself, God, and her church body who may not believe in Narcissism as a permanent disorder.
They look for any traces of insecurity, self doubt, and a willingness to take blame. A women who has family of origin trauma, damage and dysfunction from her past. This topic runs the gamete. Basically anything from her past which still affects her inner sense of self worth and self esteem. A single mother, widow, someone who was bullied in school, childhood trauma from loss of a parent or sibling, an incest survivor, a rape survivor, PTSD, health issues, you name it, any chink in your amour and they will find it and exploit you with it. They are looking for signs that you are going to be be good for manipulative purposes.
Poor boundary setting skills, people pleasers, caregivers, empaths, someone who is easily swayed or does not follow through with their own boundaries and ultimatums. Someone who does not trust their instincts and questions themselves over the details. Obsessive thinkers or over analyzers are a great target because as opposed to trusting their instincts they over question and over think their way into becoming unable to make a solid decision. These types tend to struggle with No Contact the most and will fluctuate not only day to day, yet minute to minute sometimes.
A Narcissist is looking for someone who easily takes responsibility for her own self and life. This is a win win for the Narcissist as when problems arise within the relationship, she will do as she always does, take on more than half of the responsibility, the self blame and doubt and immediately go into FIX IT mode. How can I solve this problem? How can I fix it. This is what she does best in other parts of her life and she is successful, so why not this as well?
A Narcissist may look for a woman with secrets or her own personal struggles and shame. She copes with the stress and struggles in life by drinking too much, closet bulimia, food addiction, sex addiction, cutting, drugs, a secret sexual world. She may have things about herself which no one knows about and she fears people would not love her if they knew the truth, so the Narcissist comes along and claims to love her and accept her regardless and she becomes intoxicated with the possibility of at long last finding someone who understands her, gets her, and loves all of her in spite of her human struggles. Ultimately he will use all your vulnerabilities and greatest fears against in in the D&D phase. Threaten to expose your secrets and make you look bad to other people.
They may target a women with too much on her plate, she's overwhelmed. issues with children, a husband or boyfriend who no longer values her, a sexless marriage, dysfunctional family issues, job stress, financial woe's (not to say, he won't add to them), basically someone who is disenchanted with their life for a variety of reasons. Man oh man, does HE have the cure for ALL that ails you and as with all the target groups, he will use your troubles and challenges against you when he needs to keep you on board with his abuse. No wonder I treat you badly he will say, who wouldn't, look at all your baggage, as though he is not bursting at the seams with all of his. He continuously throws in your face, how fortunate you are to have him because no one else would put up with your problems. Not true of course, just the Narcissists self serving take on the situation.
They are looking for a women who prides herself on understanding, not passing judgement, open to the wonders of the universe. A new age Goddess, who lives, for meditation, yoga, holistic health, and love for all of the creatures. An animal lover, activist, civic minded, love's beautiful quotes and living, clean and healthy. What an amazing hook up for the Narcissist. She is so busy sending LOVE vibes, that she doesn't even see this cloud of darkness arrive in her beautiful aura of peace and love.
A co dependent is a Narcissist's dream target. WOW is all he can say to this. She's insecure, loves to help, questions herself regularly, is a giver, an empath, a wounded little bird child who has survived in this world by putting herself last and everyone else first. A hard worker, self sacrificing, self depreciating, and longs more than anything in life to at long last have real meaningful LOVE in her life. Someone who will be a partner, an equal, a soul mate. Yet, she has been conditioned for toxic relationships, and struggles to get her real needs met as she has only known chaos and drama and disappointment for the most part. She struggles to feel alive in a true love relationship. She has had a long string of bad relationships with addicts, bad boys, the troubled, and is beyond grateful and ready for what the Narcissist is offering. She fools herself into believing that this time it is different, he is not like all the others. The let down for her when she finds out the truth is almost unbearable. The extremely high and then then the severe low creates a mind numbing spin in her filled with crippling pain and depression.
The social butterfly, a woman who wears the right clothes, knows the right people and has the financial capacity and lifestyle he has always believed is his birthright, yet he cannot seem to achieve this level without her. He will latch on to her coattails and ride the wave as long as she believes he loves her. She finds him refreshing, and just bad boy enough to get hooked, from many of her fake boring social friends and feels his alleged adoration of her is well worth whatever she gives in order to secure his apparent love.
The girl who came from the "wrong" side of the tracks. Disadvantage. She was financially challenged as a child and her parents were socially awkward or alcoholic and could not properly meet her needs. She may feel shame or have a feeling that she is never going to catch a break, so the financially secure Narcissist comes along promising her a lifestyle beyond her wildest dreams. She is grateful and blessed and easily ignores, denies, or dismisses his glaring shortcomings as a human being. He threatens her with poverty again is she doesn't go along with the program and allow him to do as he pleases. He shouts, you will get nothing.
The sexually frustrated woman. She may be married, she may be single, yet she is stroke starved and craving physically rewarding human contact. She mistakes the Narcissists sexual extremes as an indication of caring and love. She insists that when in the bedroom, her Narcissist does love her. He must, who else would crave me to this extend. She generally struggles long after the relationship is over to reconcile the sexual attention she received from the rest of his personality towards her.
Some of these women may have engaged in sexual activities which they are now shocked by or shameful about or embarrassed, yet, they became so addicted to the hit they received, and wanting believe he loved them, they now struggle to understand how this meant something different to the Narcissist than what they were feeling. They felt love, devotion, and fixation, yet he was able to walk away like nothing between them was all that special. It was special to her. After all, she gave him not only her body, she gave him her soul.
Then there is the all around NICE woman. Her parents were not twisted, her first marriage was ok, run of the mill relationship type of issue's. Her kids are thriving and doing great in school and well adjusted. She has a good job and is admired by her co workers. She simply wants peace in her life and give's out a "normal" vibe. She is not looking for drama or chaos. She has never in her life been exposed to anything which even slightly resembles a Narcissist. She has read about such people, yet nothing in her own life has prepared her for this level of confusion. She cannot even believe this is happening to her and struggles with understanding it and her own sense of denial that he is not who he presented himself to be. He tells her there is nothing wrong with him, she simply does not know about the ways of the world. It's her, not him. If that doesn't work he says he came from a bad childhood, something she has no clue about and she should not be judging him because she had it so great.
Many women who find themselves in a relationship with a Narcissist may have had parents who were poor role models for a variety of reasons. They too were Narcissists, addicts, sociopaths. They may have been toxic with poor relationships skills and the child witnessed conflict, tension, and dysfunction between their parents and towards them. The parent or parents may have been overly critical, controlling, emotionally absentee, or overtly abusive towards them, physically. Sexually inappropriate or not able to provide for their needs in other ways. They were not taught and equipped with the tools to form their own healthy relationships later in life due to poor imprinting as children. They will find the relationship familiar on some levels and it will trigger childhood PTSD and they may feel paralyzed to leave.
The over achiever. She may or may not have come from dysfunction, yet she is a go-getter all the way. She exhibits perfectionism, self discipline, at the job, as an athlete, in many area's in her life. She knows how to get the job done. She is a great mother, if she has children, a great friend, strong, competent and successful on many levels. She solves life's problems by finding a solution and trying harder to perfect the problem with a win win outcome.
Damn the Narcissist says to himself is she for real, this is like 10 presents under the Christmas tree and they are all for me. He instantly transplants all of this success and perfection over to himself and becomes excited over the endless possibilities, he is going to receive in this fantastic scenario with the overachiever.
Depending on her level of FOO issue's will determine to what extent she puts up with this human leech in her world of perfection. If she is damaged from childhood the shelf life will be long if not, she will send him packing, yet still she will suffer internally for months over HOW this POS, penetrated her world. The very notion of it sickens her.
The Sex Kitten. She is sexy as hell, loves sex, will try anything. Is gorgeous, generally sweet and fun loving and while yes, she is looking for love, she is looking for someone who can keep up with her sexually. OF COURSE the Narcissist fits the bill and they reach heights which initially keep her purring and wanting more and more. The Narcissist initially feels he has died and gone to heaven. 9 and a half weeks for him everyday of his life. Whoopee!!!! He mistakes her love for sex with the possibility that she will not want or expect anything else from him. WRONG. I said she was a sex kitten NOT a cold stone like him. She wants a real relationship don't get her wrong, she simple wants that relationship to include some GREAT SEX. When he finds out it is not going to be all about HIM. This type of relationship goes through the exact same cycle as all the rest of them.
The Super Model. This is the physically beautiful women, the barbie doll or the Classic Grace Kelly beauty who the Narcissist views as an extension of himself, similar to the sex kitten, this woman also wants a real relationship and does not want to be loved or judged by her beauty.
The love addict and the magical fantasy thinker is in love with the idea of being in love. Her favorite book is the Notebook and she loves that the Narcissist refers to them as soul mates and that she is the love of his life and will never leave her. Romeo and Juliet, here we come. She is intoxicated with having the great love of her life and will go to ANY lengths to find it, and keep it alive. She may lack personal boundaries and feel that working on her LOVE relationship is the most important thing in her life. She tends to fall apart completely after the first D&D, may become suicidal and fixated on getting him back. She is the queen of the Facebook stalk and the drive by. She will stay in the game until the bitter end at all cost to herself. She may become hospitalized and coming out of surgery will be obsessing frantically about where the Narcissist is. She becomes insanely jealous of the Other Women in his life and will go to any lengths to hold on to her Narcissist including plastic surgery and draining her bank account. She struggles with acceptance and moving on more than most, YET, when she finally gets him out of her system she is so done because the relationship nearly destroyed her on all levels She tends to resist joining my Support Groups because deep down inside she secretly believes that there is still hope for the relationship and if she can FIX something in her, her lover will return to her. Many report to me months after finding the site, that the only reason they joined was to gain more ammunition and information regarding Narcissism in order to try to beat the Narcissist at his on game and win him back. I don't have any successful accounts of this working yet.
The mother of the Narcissist's children. She is generally a nurturer and a giver and wants a family with the Narcissist, in some cases hoping this will settle him down. What a disappointment when it does not change him at all. He remains the same lying cheating self serving man he always was. This is a mixed bag. Sometimes you are married to them and they initially treat you as a sensual being and then you became the mother of the children and them. At which time they keep you on for the practical mothering role and find their sex kittens elsewhere. Some of them target single women to impregnate and discard. Here comes Johnny Appleseed, just anther one of their many off spring. The bottom line is many Narcissists have Mommy issue's and all of these are transferred to you when you have their child. It's complex. Once you have their child they consider you part of their supply pool for life. Takes a strong woman to disengage from the roller coaster ride of children with a Narcissist. They are relentless at pestering you and keeping you sucked in, whether is's XSex, triangulating with the children, financial manipulation, it's never ending if you do not learn how to set firm boundaries and begin to value your personal space. I could write a book on this on subject alone. You have to experience it yourself to truly understand what a freak show it becomes.
There is hope, I have disengaged from mine and you will too if this is your hearts desire. There is life after children with a Narcissist, I promise you.
"Old Supply: High-school sweetheart, College friend, XGF, XW. The Narcissist claims ownership of past conquests. They do not offer closure as to never rule out future supply potential from Old Supply when current supply or New Supply is not plentiful. Plus they receive the added hit/thrill from the challenge of sucking you back in, proving to them, you still want the great I am.
The co worker is another popular target. Beware of your understanding charming co worker. Narcissist's require adoring supply at work as well. All the same rules of engagement apply to the encounter with the Narcissist at work.
The neighbor or children's friend's Parent. School events, sporting activities, a trusted coach is another popular place to meet a Narcissist.
This is a composite of my typical clients targeted by the Narcissist. You may find crossover between the target groups. This is to be expected. You may read one and say OMG this is totally me.
This issue is not so much that there is something wrong with you, it is more about looking at what in you led the Narcissist to target you and where in yourself you want to strengthen your amour so that the Narcissist or other toxic entities, no longer finds an easy mark in you. This is about self protection and self empowerment. Becoming our best possible selves, our authentic selves. Eventually attracting a better quality relationship.
All of this and more is what we target and work on in my Support Groups. We look at understanding what the Narcissist is in terms of what you are still struggling with to gain acceptance and we look at what in you is still causing you to obsess, not feel good enough, and continue to live with the emotional pain.
Together and Healing,
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