THE GOOD GUY MALE WITH THE NARCISSIST FEMALE

THE GOOD GUY MALE WITH THE NARCISSIST FEMALE
I have noticed many similarities in the Males I work with in recovery from a PD, female. There are volumes of information regarding the empathetic women and how she fits the profile for the Narcissistic male on the prowl for supply, not so much pertaining to the male good guy attracted to the female PD, or the female PD looking to the male good guy for supply.
Males for the most part have received a bad rap these days and often are expected to pick up the pieces and help a women overcome the damage and wreckage from many of their brothers who would never be considered for the good guy male category. The men in question would be your run of the mill bad boys, players, conmen, Narcissists, and Psychopaths, and as they troll the countryside looking for fresh supply, it is generally the good guy male who comes along and desperately tries to prove to her and make up to her for all the damage done by the previous string of LOSERS.
Many a good guy man has been heard to howl, WHY??? This would be in reference to the empathetic woman IN LOVE with the PD:
Why does she stay with that creep?
Why does she put up with the abuse?
Why does she keep going back?
Why doesn't she SEE the good in me?
Why can't she see how much better I would treat her?
AND:
I cannot understand WHY a great women like her would be with such a LOSER.
She could have anyone and she chooses HIM?
I would do anything for her and he does NOTHING.
I loved her with all of my heart and STILL she chose him.
This is nuts, what am I missing here?
Is it me? Am I NOT bad enough? Exciting enough? What is the problem here; I just don't GET IT.
In walks the Female with a Personality Disorder.....she feeds on YOU thinking that her plight is the same as the Empathetic Female......you are already programmed for this and think you know just how to HELP her find real love and you will do much better than all the others did, you will show her "HOW a REAL MAN loves a women......"
Hmmmm, she says to herself. I'm not a dumb ass like all of my friends who PUT UP with the bad boys. I am no empathetic FOOL. I'm not going to be treated badly for one minute. I expect to be treated like a queen, catered to and get what I want when I want it. After all, I am beautiful and sexy and I know how to use it and play it completely to my advantage. I know what they want in bed, what they want to hear, and how to work it. I have spent many years learning how to suck them in and I am damn good at it and expect to be the center of attention. I will come and go as I please and if they know what is good for them they will put up with it. Plus, I am not stupid like those Narcissistic men, I know how to come across as the victim, I cry at the right times, tell them how much I NEED THEM and LOVE THEM when it's necessary and I also know how to play the push and pull/love/hate games real well, so they never know where they stand and it only keeps them working harder to please me and coming back for more, LOL. I don't go for those bad boys, well not to take care of me, that is for sure. Oh, don't get me wrong, I will screw them when I feel like it, but I will NOT get sucked in by them, not me, I am way too smart for that shit. Nope, I will target the GOOD GUY MALE. That's where my bread is buttered. Hopefully he has some feelings of insecurity around me because I am so darn HOT, LOL. All the better, and childhood issues are a plus too, because then I can really take him for a ride. I know EXACTLY what he likes in bed so that I can hook his horny ass, and he will become addicted to me and keep coming back for more. If he does NOT give me what I want, I will pretend that I am busy or sick and no sex for him, LOL. He's smart, he'll catch on quickly enough. Damn, and I must remember to be sweet and girly girl (YUK) from time to time or he may suspect that this is all just an act for me to get what I want out of him. It's exhausting work keeping up the pretense, I can do it though because it is well worth the payoff. He pays for so much and he never even realizes that half the time I don't even use the money for what I cried and said I needed it for. He doesn't know, he just writes me a big check or hands over the cash. Damn, this is almost too easy. I tell him that all my other BF's were assholes so he feels sorry for me. He does, lol. He doesn't even realize that they were the one's who broke up with me, he thinks I was so great that I dumped them. I don't give a hoot, I already know that these things can't last forever. You can only get so much out of one man, so I have backups, just in case this sex starved freak grows tired of me. I hate when I have to spend time with his FAMILY and kids, (YUK) it's exhausting. Yesterday I actually had to sit for an hour and play games with his kid. Man, was that BORING. He did not suspect though, LOL, he just told me I was great with kids. I don't think I am going to be staying with this one too much longer. He is acting weird. Damn, last week he said that he wanted to SEE the bill, NOT just give me the cash. WTH, doesn't he trust me anymore, lol? He also was bitching because we are not having SEX as often as we used to and he is worried that maybe something is wrong. Yeah, I'll tell you what's wrong, dude, I am sick of having sex with you, it's always the same ole same, and I don't even like to have sex with you anymore, it feels like a chore now. I really do want someone different now. HOW can I get OUT of this and still get him to "help me with the bills?" Hmmm, whatever, I'll think of something. He actually said NO to me last week about something, I can clearly see that it is only a matter of time when he is going to be just one big headache and who needs it? Certainly not me. Anyway, I've been working on that NEW guy at work. He told me his wife left him for another guy and he is in so much pain. He also said they hadn't had sex in over a year. He is ripe for the picking AND he makes good money. We'll see how it goes. I can always hit up my XH, he is still hot for me, I can't understand why; I treated him like yesterdays garbage. Guess he is forgetting the bad parts and only thinking about the sex these days. Apparently that girl he was dating wasn't as good as me in bed. MEN, they only have one thing on their minds, so even though, he turns my stomach, if I get in a pinch, there is always him.
Fast forward 3 months: Well I have FINALLY hooked that guy at work. He is such a mess, he wants me to move in with him, he's IN LOVE with me and wants to HELP me with the bills, with no questions asked and frankly I just love his house, much better than the one Mr. Good Guy has. Oh don't get me wrong, his house was, alright, but the new guy has a pool and he lets me write my own checks. I just called Mr. Good Guy and told him I do NOT want to see him anymore, I'm moving out I'm tired of his questions and begging me for sex. I hope he is not going to turn this into a THING, I just want to go and be done with it.
Fast forward 1 year: Damn it was murder getting out of that mess with Mr. Good Guy. The questions, the crying, the why why why? Was it me? Yes dumb ass, it was you. You asked me too many questions and I was sick of it. I had to threaten him with the police if he did not stop trying to get me back, it was a frigging nightmare. ANYWAYS......The new guy is also a pain in the ass. He still talks with his X wife and his kids, blah blah blah, you know the drill. I think I need someone who has no kids and asks me no questions, lol, maybe some rich guy who is away most of the time on business and simply gives me an expense account, that would be IDEAL. I'm bored, I don't think I can go through another one of those weekends with his kids, maybe I will call Mr. Good Guy and see if he is still stuck on me, maybe we can go away for the weekend. I don't want to be too available for the new guy and I'm sure he will get the hint if I go away, that I DON'T want his stupid kids here all the time, maybe he will take me to the Islands, like I have been begging him to do, I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. Course there is always my old boyfriend from High School, it was great when we got together for a few days last year. Oh I know, I know, I told you I don't do bad boy's anymore, but he is HOT as hell and it will be a nice diversion from the same ole same, I have been dealing with these days. I'll just tell the new guy, well he's not that new anymore, it's been a year now, and he is so BORING......anyways, I'll just tell him that my Mother is sick and I have to go away for a few days. I don't know if I even want to call Mr. Good Guy right now, he may start hounding me again like he did the last time. I do wonder though if he has found someone new. Even if he has, he will leave her in a heartbeat for me, I just know he will. I'll tell him I cannot make any promises right now because I don't know what is up with the new guy or whatever, who give's a damn, we'll just see what happens...
Meanwhile Mr. Good Guy who has been in much pain, self blame, and confusion, finds The Path Forward. What the heck was that? I just don't get it. I treated her like a Queen and she said she loved me and I gave her EVERYTHING a man could give. WHY WHY WHY did this happen, what could I have done different? What did I do wrong? I just don't get it.
You my friend have been sucked in by the oldest game in the book. THE FEMALE NARCISSIST, the Borderline, the Histrionic, the Sociopath, or all of the above. But how, could a female, a woman be this cold and calculating? I just don't get it?
The PD is NOT gender biased. If anything she is better at playing the game and it is easier for her to suck you in, BECAUSE you don't see it coming. Females are NOT supposed to be cruel, evil, hateful, they are supposed to be the nurturers, the givers, the peace makers.
This cannot be possible you say. There must be more to this. REASONS, for her strange behaviors. I love her so much and she SEEMED so in love with me.
NO, there is nothing MORE to this, it is what it is.
A PD woman is EXPERT at using her feminine wiles to convince you that she is not bad, she is not a black widow, you must have misunderstood, this must be your fault. You did not try hard enough, you did not give enough, you were mean to her, and all the rest of it.
Now you KNOW this is not true. You know you gave it your all and you worshiped the ground she walked on, so why NOW, why end it NOW, I just don't get it.
You will, just keep reading here, posting, asking question, and be gentle on yourself and allow it all to sink in. You did nothing wrong, You were not the bad one. She had it in for you from the very beginning.
Not always easy being the Good Guy Male, your very nature allows you to continue to make excuses for her and makes it difficult for you to SEE the bad in her. You don't want to see it, you were not conditioned or programmed to see the female this way, certainly not THIS ONE, anyway.
Once you begin to see it was her bad and you couldn't have done anymore to make this work, you will begin to let go of the self blame, and the notion that this could have possibly had any other outcome. I am sorry to say, and I know this hurts, this relationship was doomed from the start.
A female PD does not know how to interact with a man in any other way. She too, like her Male counterpart, lacks empathy, lacks REAL intimacy (remember, hot sex is not intimacy; it is hot sex), she lacks integrity and honesty, she runs hot and cold, up and down, and she is just as damaged as the Male PD, any day of the week.
Being a female DOES NOT make you exempt from all of the same traits you see in the male PD, she is just better at it for the most part, and in some cases, cuter, and sweeter while she is stabbing you in the back.
Together & Strong,
Goldie xo
Recovery Coach
For additional support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly:
email: support@lisaescott.com

June 6, 2013 - 10:43am
Simpatico
Simpatico's picture

My recovery

March 26, 2013 - 4:16pm
tryingtoheal123
tryingtoheal123's picture

honestly

March 27, 2013 - 2:43pm (Reply to #15)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Why is it depressing?

March 19, 2013 - 7:09pm
dangeroustonight
dangeroustonight's picture

Wow!

March 22, 2013 - 8:28pm (Reply to #13)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes, and never forget that fairies can FLY AWAY.......

March 18, 2013 - 10:30pm
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Excellent blog, Goldie!

December 4, 2013 - 6:08am (Reply to #11)
Janie53
Janie53's picture

Female Narcissists

March 19, 2013 - 7:00am (Reply to #10)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thank you Lisa

March 18, 2013 - 7:54pm
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

The most

March 22, 2013 - 8:34pm (Reply to #8)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes, IB

March 18, 2013 - 6:13pm
femnarc'd
femnarc'd's picture

unbelievably accurate

March 18, 2013 - 7:39pm (Reply to #6)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Isn't that

March 18, 2013 - 6:48pm (Reply to #4)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Femnarc'd

March 19, 2013 - 10:45am (Reply to #5)
femnarc'd
femnarc'd's picture

cheating

March 18, 2013 - 4:24pm
TruthbeginsToday
TruthbeginsToday's picture

YIKES!

March 18, 2013 - 6:42pm (Reply to #1)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Chilling isn't it?

March 29, 2013 - 7:06pm (Reply to #2)
round3
round3's picture

Fem Narcs - this is awesome Goldie!