In answer to a member out 4 months (NC) and feeling intense sadness and wanting to die.
You are grieving
Real grieving does not even begin until the cognitive dissonance die's down. This is why it seems to take so long to recover from a PD.
Depending on how long you stay in c/d determines when the real inner work and grieving begins.
A necessary step in letting go and eventually moving on.
We are not taught how or encourged to grieve in this society.
Especially when it is over someone deemed to be unhealthy or bad for us.
Many tell us that we are lucky to be done with them. Find someone better. He was a sicko anyways, ect.
So we often feel almost guilty to grieve. Ashamed for grieving a bad man.
The heart does not know what he is. The heart needs to grieve. The head eventually finds out and figures out what he is, YET......
You still need to grieve.
The grief over what never was......
What could or should have been......
The good times........
The wasted time.......
The death of an illusion......
The fact that you feel like you want to die is reflective that you are grieving the death of the illusion.
Often when we grieve the loss of a LOVE, a heart break, a soul sickness, and we can see it dying and watch it's death right before our eyes and we can feel it inside, it feels like a death in us because something inside us is actually dying.
The part of us that continued to hope, to dream, to believe, is dying and it hurts and if there is other grief inside of you perhaps other grief which was never address, then it is going to feel even stronger and more intense, like you are falling apart and so filled with grief that you want it to end and you want to die.
You don't really want to die; you just want the intense sorrow and deep sense of pain and loss to go away.
The good news is, that once you begin to face and accept your grief, even embrace it, it begins to dissapate and lessen.
In other words, the more we run from it and fight it, the worse it becomes, the more we embrace and accept it, the more it lessens and loses it's hold over us.
"the only thing we have to fear; is fear itself." ~FDR's inaugural address~
Once you face your biggest fears and allow them entrance into your being, then you can face them at long last and eventually let them go.
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