"When you are with a Psychopath, you do not stay for the sake of your family; you LEAVE for the sake of your family." ~. Goldie
The research regarding a predator shows us that many of them are created, by either, overindulgence or neglect shown to them as children. The overindulged ones generally still have their families of origin for supply and tend to demonstrate as selfish, childish, willful, immature, entitled, demanding, grandiose, and rage full. Similar to a spoiled 2 year old tantruming to have their way. They do what they want when they want it. The King Baby Syndrome.
The neglected, abandoned, and abused ones are an entirely different story. They come looking to take, control, destroy, infiltrate; they eat you up and spit you out.
Both types have the same general lack or empathy and remorse, yet one, comes from a place of selfishness and entitlement and the other comes from a place of wanting to suck you dry and enjoys not only the ride; they enjoy watching you fall.
Misogyny, damaged, Mommy issues, sex addiction, alcoholism, domestic violence, degradation and humiliation towards others is also common. Victim bashing and blaming. Classic. Mirroring, projection, gas-lighting, triangulation, ST, infidelity, and so on.....
Please remember, this is not cookie cutter, all the traits are not required to consider a personality disorder.
How do you feel? Excellent gage and tool to identify the abuse cycle.
It is all about control and watching you squirm. They have long ago shut down to human emotion. They vacillate from rage to fear of losing control. They enjoy watching others in pain, it gives them a sense of inner power which was lost to them. We are talking about the Psychopathic Narcissist. Of course you don't necessarily see this in the beginning.
Many ask, how do you tell the difference? Intent. Cause and effect. Watch them and listen and if you have been with one; you know, and you will never forget the experience because it nearly destroyed your life on all levels.
The P/N usually has either no family to suck dry OR he has already burned his bridges with his family prior to meeting you. They know what he is and they are ALL SET.
He is on the prowl for not only you but your family. He is empty inside and has no life of his own. He requires yours in order to look connected and find a new host family to feed on. Generally he does not burn out one person, he burns out the entire family, so when he is done, the damage is not only widespread, he is now in need of a new host family.
He comes a knocking at your door. He presents himself as MR. NICE GUY. He cannot do enough for you, your children, heck he even tries to reach out to your X. What a guy. He will almost beg you to let him do favors and chores for you and the family. He arrives from nowhere and works quickly. YOU become intoxicated by his apparent goodness and feel blessed to have found this "gift from God." Generally there is one or two in the family who do NOT buy into this guy, they try to warn you. You are grateful for all he does and you defend him to those that find his gestures shallow and fake. You may even hear stories about his pathetic childhood and past and admire his ability to overcome his obstacles. After all he did nothing wrong, he is wonderful, all those stories are about how "others" screwed HIM. That is what he told you when you ask. Never-mind all that you tell yourself. He is here now and he is with us now. We are not like those other people. We are good people. They must have been crazy or done something to HIM.
You want to give back to him. Do some nice things for him to repay all of his kindness. You find yourself almost catering to his every whim, you even begin to anticipate his needs. You are grateful and you want to keep him happy so he stays connected to you and the family.
Meanwhile he has been cultivating the sexual relationship to cement the bond with YOU toward him. Let's not forget, it is YOU feeling all of this; he is feeling nothing at this point. He listens to your every word almost as if he is in a trance sucking it all in. YOU take this for his puppy dog love surfacing for you and you have never felt so special and "loved" before, it is electrifying. He actually listens when you talk about your children, your job, your dismay over the burnt tuna casserole you made for dinner. He empathizes with all of it. One of your kids loves him as you do and you dismiss the other child's reluctance to warm up to him as shyness or she is going through a rough time of her own.
Now this is when the patterns vary. That trance like gaze into your eyes was his informational gathering phase. He was scanning your data base, you and the family, like a computer download. He has taken it all in and he now has all he needs to begin to take full control of you and the family.
He mirrors back to you what he has learned and this is what he becomes. "Thomas Sheridan, Puzzling People," speaks of a woman who had not seen her husband in awhile and when he saw her, it took him a few seconds to remember his false persona face for her. When she initially saw him, his face was different, he had already created a new false persona face for the new family and he struggled to recollect the one he had for her. Chilling. This is another reason they go MIA, they are off busy creating a new false persona for the new family.
They often go so far as to like the same food you do, the same TV shows, the same type of sex, and the same things you laugh at are funny to them. You would be amazed if you were a fly on the wall at their new hook up, to see that he is barely recognizable to you as the man you thought you knew. Think "The Talented Mr. Ripley" without the murders.
Now the stage is set the props are arranged on the set. The lights are on and the audience is filing in for the performance and let the show begin.
You have been infiltrated by a psychopath and he is in full control. He now has access to your home, your finances, your heart soul and goodness, your family, and your children.
The gravy train has shifted and that endless flow of giving on his part, becomes an endless flow of taking on his part. He needs to play it cool though because if he acts too fast, at this point, you may freak. You start to see a shift in the balance and it is done smoothly so that you are not too suspicious. When you do begin to notice, you shrug it off because the sex is so great or he is still driving the kids around and helping you here and there. On occasion you may begin to see his rage or real self peeking out, but by now, YOU feel you have invested so much into him and he is what you thought you wanted, so you put on your blinders for a while longer.
At some point the bough breaks and the shit hits the fan and he shows you something that is just not going to fly for you, so you sit down and "talk" he cries and babbles on about his sad lot in life or he gets angry and blames you, and YOU are a willing participant now and invested in the relationship so you bite and you try to fix.
As Hunter would say, we now begin the washing machine cycle; Wash, rinse, spin, dry and repeat.
You have just entered the Twilight's Zone and it is not going to be pretty. Of course you could and should get out during any one of these cycles, yet by now he has you so brainwashed and confused that you don't even know what side is up and after all isn't he the man of your dreams? Just when you may be "considering" calling it a day.....He does something great for you or has great sex with you, woohoo, and you are again questioning what has become your reality. Is it me? Is it him? Are we both nuts? You just can't tell anymore because by now all the lines have been crossed and his is your bf, husband, children's "friend" yikes, you feel like you are in too deep to make a clean break. You have a dog together now, business ties, perhaps a child together, a LIFE together. You say you don't want to leave for the sake of your family.
"When you are with a Psychopath, you do not stay for the sake of your family; you LEAVE for the sake of your family."
They also infiltrate intact families. A family which already has a husband, wife, and children. They make themselves indispensable to the family as a "great friend" who cares deeply about all of you.
Six months later the husband and wife are alienated from each other and guess who is now sitting at the head of the family table? You guessed it MR. P. himself. After all he understands you all better than the OH did, and he is great with the kids, NOT.
They have no life and they want what you have; they want your life and will suck it from you and when there is nothing left to take, they will scrape the bones and call it a day.
" Bye bye, sorry, family. You are just not what I want or need anymore, there is this great OF which I have had my eye on for awhile now. I think now, that you all are washed up, I'm taking my things and moving in over there. After all I have been preening them for months now behind your back. YUP you were right all along, I was cheating on you. Sorry, you just don't seem yourself anymore.
Chin up, you'll find a nice guy, you were such a great girl."
These stories are based on factual events, which I have heard many times.
Protect yourselves and your families, if you are seeing any of these signs, get out.
Join my Support Group.
Get therapy for yourself and your family.
Read the forum and post when you are ready.
I can empathize with you if this has happened to you and I am sorry for all you have been through with these P/N. Be gentle with yourself and educate yourself regarding these perps. Knowledge is power, it diffuses their power over you.
Recovery and Healing,
P.s. My X has infiltrated another family. They are a mother and her boyfriend and 5 young daughters. He is a P/N and crack/opiate addict. I attempted to warn them and it was too late. He had already created his "sad" tragic story about how it was everyone else; and not him. He told them not to talk with me and they did not. They are in my prayers everyday as are all the other families who have encountered these predators. As this blog illustrates they come on as so great that the new family is not able to see that they are about to be hit by a tidal wave. Apparently the RED FLAG of why a 31 year old man who makes decent money would want to live with a man and women with 5 children; escapes their radar right now. I hope he is not the NM sitting at that dining room table 6 months from now. It is a high for them to steal another man's woman and family. This is NOT about love it is about control and destruction.
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