The HOOVER is NOT a compliment!!!

There is much talk and concern on here regarding the hoover.

What is a hoover?

Sometimes it is simply an attempt for the PD to SCREW with you. They are bored or angry with you, someone else has just pissed them off so why not take it out on you.

Sometimes they are afraid, afraid of losing you as future supply. Afraid of being alone because new supply is low at the time. Afraid you will TELL and if they keep you sucked in and "hooked" you will keep your mouth shut. PD's do NOT like to be alone and they do not like to be low on new supply so they call you in a "lonely" space when new supply does not answer the phone. Afraid that you will find someone else if they do not hoover and then they may lose you as future supply. NOT future love of their life, but future supply. PD's do NOT love, they devour, they use, they destroy.

Sometimes new supply is just not working out for the PD. They can see right through them, they are not giving so freely of the money, or time. They are not as willing to play their sexual games, and PD's like to control and manipulate so they go back to their last victim for another FIX. Not because they love you or she is better or you are worse or you are better and she is worse. Has nothing to do with this, it's willingness. Are you still willing to play the game?

More often than not hoovering is about control and or boredom on the part of the PD.

It is NOT a reflection on how much they LOVE you or WANT you. It is about their needing or wanting something FROM YOU in the MOMENT. This is a tough one to accept; yet it is the truth. We know them by their fruits; we know them by their past behaviors. There is NOT NOT NOT going to be anything new or different here, no matter what they SAY, the actions will continue to remain the SAME and in some cases worse, because if you let them back they lose all respect for you and feel as though they have more control over you than ever. This is not about love; this is a sick game with them.

This is why if you ACCEPT the hoover and whether or not you either talk with them or have them over, you always feel badly shortly thereafter, because you soon see that nothing has changed.

You were simply being used again by a PD. An emotional vampire. A preditor who wants to suck you dry and once you are depleted again of your joy and resources, they are once again gone. This may take a day it may take a few weeks, but they are gone again and of course they were never there to begin with, it was only an act, part of the script, the movie.

WHY then do we get so excited when they hoover or so sad and angry when they don't?

Because we are still addicted to them, still addicted to the FEELING which WE had when we were with them. Notice, I did NOT say the feeling THEY had because they did not, you miss the FEELING you had, the only problem is that YOU were the only one feeling the feeling and this is why you are so drained and exhausted after dealings with the PD once that initial HIGH wears off.

You are doing the work for two; think childbirth. Try doing that everyday for a few years AGAIN and see how you feel after that. This only get's worse, never better, regardless to what you may be thinking when you are in the throe's of YOUR addiction. Kidd yourself one more time and years may go by before you get out once your addiction is on full throttle.

Once you break YOUR addiction to the PD, that feeling of wanting the hoover and dreading it at the same time will leave. This is NOT disimilar to the drug addict, once they get the DRUG out of their system the desire lessons in time.

One of the reasons some remain emeshed with the PD for so long is because they continue to feed that dog, and in some cases months after the PD is physically gone. Don't feed the dog, work the steps, change your thinking, refuse to entertain long drawn out "plays" in your mind. Get up and do something else when this starts. WE do have control over what we do, what we allow, and what we chose to entertain for our daily bread, our thoughts. LET GO of the illusion of the PD, there is nothing there for you and responding to the hoover is a sure formular for more PAIN.

Because once you remain COMPLETELY NC long enough to heal; you begin to see and know the PD for what they honestly are and not your version seen through rose colored glasses, but the truth of who they are, what they did to you, and what they will continue to do to you if you let them back.

The only way to break the cycle is to stay completely away from them and their manipulative influence over you.

The Hoover is in NO way shape or form a compliment, it is an attack on your serenity, and attack on your efforts to move on, an attack on your new life, and attack on your sobriety from the ill effects of the PD in your life.

Once the PD knows that you are done and they learn this by your not breaking NC EVER, they hoover's will lesson and they will eventually find someone else.

You cannot remain friends with a PD, why would you want to? It's like trying to turn your life over to God and the Devil at the same time, does this make any sense?

Either you want the light or you want the darkness, this is a choice, we cannot have it both ways.

AVOID the hoover, it is NOT a "SIGN" that he loves you or has changed in any way. PD's DO NOT CHANGE, it is who they are now.

God bless,

For additonal support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly,

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Aug 21 - 5AM
Julialouisa's picture

Cant' be friends..

Dec 14 - 7PM
Alexy's picture

Explains everything... The

Nov 7 - 12PM
outoftheashes's picture

So true...a hoover means nothing

Oct 13 - 7AM
losing the battle
losing the battle's picture


Oct 13 - 8AM (Reply to #45)
Used's picture


Oct 13 - 12PM (Reply to #46)
losing the battle
losing the battle's picture

Thank you, used,

Jul 30 - 4PM
Trixy's picture

2 weeks on

Jul 16 - 11PM
Trixy's picture

what happens when we want to hoover?

Jul 16 - 5PM
Liberated2Aspire's picture

Hoovers equals ABUSE!


Jul 16 - 11AM
ziggy's picture

Thank you

Jun 13 - 4PM
Hopelessdenial's picture

Goldie, this really helped

Jun 1 - 11AM
Stace's picture

Hi goldie, thank you for this

Feb 19 - 2AM
Alissa's picture

It always helps to read this

Jan 3 - 12PM
mystwoman's picture

This is truly phenomenal

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Oct 21 - 11AM
ItsAboutMeNow's picture

Just joined your site today..

Nov 23 - 5AM (Reply to #35)
Goldie's picture

He "needed" you alright; for supply

Oct 21 - 11AM
ItsAboutMeNow's picture

Just joined your site today..

Oct 13 - 4PM (Reply to #33)
Crw's picture

I too am new here and new to

Oct 21 - 11AM
ItsAboutMeNow's picture

Just joined your site today..

Sep 21 - 4PM
EAD46's picture

wolf in sheep's clothing

Apr 5 - 12PM
Goldie's picture

Are there some who never Hoover because you called them out?

Jan 18 - 3AM
aceonelady's picture!

Hi there,Goldie,Ladies...This morning i got anemail from Ex N ,after 3 months...He says QUOTE"I WILL BE HAPPY WHEN THIS MESS IS OVER WITH.TAT IS HOW I ALWAYS FEEL NOW AND HOW I HAVE FELT IN THE BEGINNING OF MY UNDERSTENDING OF LIFE.sO ANYTHING YOU WOULD SAY IS MEANINGFUL TO YOU BUT IS NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED.MY DEATH IS WHAT I NEED OR WANT." Well i do not know what to think of it...To tell the truth,i did shed a tear ,but on the other side this shows me how he really is...i am now feeling a great inner peace ,and feeling that NOBODY CAN REACH a totally lost cause...i accept that he is never going to feel good,no matter what he does,or someone tries to do for him...Is his load that i tried to share with him,but now i see he has to carry it alone...Love to you all


Jan 18 - 6AM (Reply to #27)
Goldie's picture


He is basically saying: Narc Speak: "Since my life began, since I was a young boy, I have NEVER had any interest in hassles. They are not for me. I avoid them at all cost and since you were not my slave I have no interest in this situation because it is a mess and I don't like to clean up messes. If YOU have some need to get it out, share your feelings, talk about it ect...that is YOUR problem because I have no interest in talkng about anything, unless it involves me getting what I want and having things my way so keep YOUR feelings to yourself, I have NO interest or desire in hearing about them. I am a major drama king and when my life has hassles and messes it makes me just want to escape and act like a big baby because I am unstable and selfish to the core. If things do not get better and go MY way, I am going to make it sound like I would prefer death so that YOU and others will feel sorry for me and pity me and then I will be able to manipulate others into doing things MY way." God bless, Goldie
Aug 11 - 9AM (Reply to #28)
DixxieBelle's picture

OMGosh this is spot on. It's

Jan 18 - 1AM
NoNarcingZone's picture

The Hoover...A 'Backhanded' Compliment!

A backhanded compliment is described as an insult that is disguised as a compliment. We've been separated 2 yrs (since I found this site). He was deployed most of that. time He's back (but resides abroad) & knows my eyes are WIDE OPEN to what he is now. Disordered. I let him back in 'temporarily' after a 1½ of NC. I feel my continuous therapy sessions have once again thickened my skin & cleared the fog. He hoovered HEAVILY right before he arrived in the states from deployment. He ran so hot/cold after a week of 'playing' sane husband. He began to show disdain toward our toddler - stating that she's spoiled/undisciplined...and it's my fault. Ummm...she's 2½ assclown! Anyway, I was D&D because I went calmly apesh*t on him - explaining that our REunion wasn't happening. He left back to Europe w/out a word to us. Sent a birthday email 2 mos later sending well wishes & that my present was on its way. That was Sept. Last email came in Dec. He notified me that he'll be returning to the states by summer & requested a copy of our marriage - I assume for housing purposes. Ummmm...the ONLY document he'll receive from me @ this point is a divorce decree. Two years ago, I would've anxiously awaited those emails. With the hope that he still cared & wanted to salvage the relationship. That was THEN. I'm getting my life together as a single parent...again. The ONLY partnership I'm interested in - is at SALSA (dancing)! I could give 2 sh*ts about that whackjob of a loon! LOL I was a COMPLIMENT to his dwarf-like ass!

"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

Jan 18 - 6AM (Reply to #24)
Goldie's picture


Your name says it all: NO NARC ZONE. All set here buddy. Typical narc blaming YOU because your child was acting like a child. They cannot stand the "appearance" of anything which does not LOOK picture perfect even though their own lives are trainwrecks.. I can remember my X getting embarrased because my PUPPY was acting like a PUPPY. Like somehow this was going to be a reflection on HIM. WTF, get a life buddy!!! You have made enormous progress and must feel wonderful to no longer be under his thumb. God bless, Goldie
Aug 11 - 11AM (Reply to #25)
HappyToForget's picture

Appearances = perfect

Jan 15 - 9AM
wannaletgo22's picture

Hoover is NOT a compliment

Goldie- thank you for this blog post-it's so insightful. A lot of us have lamented at one point or another that we weren't even good enough for a hoover...or even those who fear it, at the same time look at it as some sort of validation or proof that the intense feelings or connection they feel with their N is somehow reciprocated. When I first signed on here a few months ago- I was still in that frame of mind. Unfortunately- I think it may take first hand experience and a few rounds of hoovering before it really sinks in- hoovering is NOT a compliment. Experience has shown me that he will say anything (usually exactly what I most need to hear) to suck me in...but there is no action behind it, and worse still, no INTENT to act behind the words. The second I'm in...he backpeddles...sometimes just minutes later. Anyone who gives a rat's ass about me, wouldn't do that to me...not after all the drama and pain and suffering he'd cause. Normal people, even those who aren't particularly kind or caring, would have a little mercy, walk away and let me be. When I finally got that, I got that the hoover was far from a compliment. Now I see it as an insult....demonstrates how weak and desperate he thinks I am- that has helped me maintain No Contact....proving to him, but more to myself, that I am not some pathetic person who can be so easily manipulated and used.
Jan 18 - 6AM (Reply to #22)
Goldie's picture

Beautiful Wannaletgo

You are getting there. A big Woohoo to you!!! They need to be shown that when we are done; we are done and no B.S. hoovering is going to change this. I fully understand that for some, when they don't hear from them again or for a long time, it feels awful, like we did not mean anything to them at all and they were so easily able to walk away. This however, is not the case. When you do not hear from them again its because their power supply source is no longer buying into their crap and they know that they need to discard you for new supply or they wait until your batteries are recharged and they come back to go another round IF YOU will ALLOW this. That is the most pathetic hoover of all. They leave you for dead and then come back much later when you are back on top of your game in the hopes of sucking you back in again, only to leave you once again after they have sucked you dry. DON'T fall for it, they don't change, they will do the exact same thing to you again. Trust those of us who have been there. I does NOT get any better. God bless, Goldie
Jan 17 - 9PM (Reply to #19)
gettinbetter's picture

AMEN!! What goes thru the

AMEN!! What goes thru the head of a Narc when he hoovers?? I think your still dumb enough to buy my bullshit. The biggest compliment from a Narc is the discard. Once again a trip to opposite land. The translation of the discard: You dont feed me enough anymore cause you are calling me on my shit. You are starting to uncover that I am a fraud. You might tell people so I have to make you look crazy so that no one will believe you when you do. You were better than me anyway and I dont like how that makes me feel. So you must go.