The HOOVER is NOT a compliment!!!

There is much talk and concern on here regarding the hoover.

What is a hoover?

Sometimes it is simply an attempt for the PD to SCREW with you. They are bored or angry with you, someone else has just pissed them off so why not take it out on you.

Sometimes they are afraid, afraid of losing you as future supply. Afraid of being alone because new supply is low at the time. Afraid you will TELL and if they keep you sucked in and "hooked" you will keep your mouth shut. PD's do NOT like to be alone and they do not like to be low on new supply so they call you in a "lonely" space when new supply does not answer the phone. Afraid that you will find someone else if they do not hoover and then they may lose you as future supply. NOT future love of their life, but future supply. PD's do NOT love, they devour, they use, they destroy.

Sometimes new supply is just not working out for the PD. They can see right through them, they are not giving so freely of the money, or time. They are not as willing to play their sexual games, and PD's like to control and manipulate so they go back to their last victim for another FIX. Not because they love you or she is better or you are worse or you are better and she is worse. Has nothing to do with this, it's willingness. Are you still willing to play the game?

More often than not hoovering is about control and or boredom on the part of the PD.

It is NOT a reflection on how much they LOVE you or WANT you. It is about their needing or wanting something FROM YOU in the MOMENT. This is a tough one to accept; yet it is the truth. We know them by their fruits; we know them by their past behaviors. There is NOT NOT NOT going to be anything new or different here, no matter what they SAY, the actions will continue to remain the SAME and in some cases worse, because if you let them back they lose all respect for you and feel as though they have more control over you than ever. This is not about love; this is a sick game with them.

This is why if you ACCEPT the hoover and whether or not you either talk with them or have them over, you always feel badly shortly thereafter, because you soon see that nothing has changed.

You were simply being used again by a PD. An emotional vampire. A preditor who wants to suck you dry and once you are depleted again of your joy and resources, they are once again gone. This may take a day it may take a few weeks, but they are gone again and of course they were never there to begin with, it was only an act, part of the script, the movie.

WHY then do we get so excited when they hoover or so sad and angry when they don't?

Because we are still addicted to them, still addicted to the FEELING which WE had when we were with them. Notice, I did NOT say the feeling THEY had because they did not, you miss the FEELING you had, the only problem is that YOU were the only one feeling the feeling and this is why you are so drained and exhausted after dealings with the PD once that initial HIGH wears off.

You are doing the work for two; think childbirth. Try doing that everyday for a few years AGAIN and see how you feel after that. This only get's worse, never better, regardless to what you may be thinking when you are in the throe's of YOUR addiction. Kidd yourself one more time and years may go by before you get out once your addiction is on full throttle.

Once you break YOUR addiction to the PD, that feeling of wanting the hoover and dreading it at the same time will leave. This is NOT disimilar to the drug addict, once they get the DRUG out of their system the desire lessons in time.

One of the reasons some remain emeshed with the PD for so long is because they continue to feed that dog, and in some cases months after the PD is physically gone. Don't feed the dog, work the steps, change your thinking, refuse to entertain long drawn out "plays" in your mind. Get up and do something else when this starts. WE do have control over what we do, what we allow, and what we chose to entertain for our daily bread, our thoughts. LET GO of the illusion of the PD, there is nothing there for you and responding to the hoover is a sure formular for more PAIN.

Because once you remain COMPLETELY NC long enough to heal; you begin to see and know the PD for what they honestly are and not your version seen through rose colored glasses, but the truth of who they are, what they did to you, and what they will continue to do to you if you let them back.

The only way to break the cycle is to stay completely away from them and their manipulative influence over you.

The Hoover is in NO way shape or form a compliment, it is an attack on your serenity, and attack on your efforts to move on, an attack on your new life, and attack on your sobriety from the ill effects of the PD in your life.

Once the PD knows that you are done and they learn this by your not breaking NC EVER, they hoover's will lesson and they will eventually find someone else.

You cannot remain friends with a PD, why would you want to? It's like trying to turn your life over to God and the Devil at the same time, does this make any sense?

Either you want the light or you want the darkness, this is a choice, we cannot have it both ways.

AVOID the hoover, it is NOT a "SIGN" that he loves you or has changed in any way. PD's DO NOT CHANGE, it is who they are now.

God bless,
Goldie

For additonal support, to join one of our support groups, or to speak with Goldie directly, support@lisaescott.com

http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie

How to schedule a ONE ON ONE with Goldie

Please order your session through the following link right here on the site or you are welcome to order it through my email if you need a generic receipt, it will say nothing aside from my email.

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Once you have ordered your ONE ON ONE or the GROUP SUPPORT SESSIONS, please email me with your time zone and availabilty and we will set up the one on one. I will at that time provide you with my call in phone number or if you have a Skype account you may dial in through that account directly to my phone number which will be provided for you once your session is ordered.

The session lasts at least 1 hour and we will work through what is concerning you the most at this time. Everything discussed between us is completely confidential.

Please feel free to email me at anytime with your questions or concerns.

support@lisaescott.com

August 21, 2014 - 5:21am
Julialouisa
Julialouisa's picture

Cant' be friends..

December 14, 2013 - 7:53pm
Alexy
Alexy's picture

Explains everything... The

November 7, 2013 - 12:11pm
outoftheashes
outoftheashes's picture

So true...a hoover means nothing

October 13, 2013 - 7:27am
losing the battle
losing the battle's picture

Goldie,

October 13, 2013 - 8:45am (Reply to #45)
Used
Used's picture

losingthebattle

October 13, 2013 - 12:23pm (Reply to #46)
losing the battle
losing the battle's picture

Thank you, used,

July 30, 2013 - 4:03pm
Trixy
Trixy's picture

2 weeks on

July 16, 2013 - 11:25pm
Trixy
Trixy's picture

what happens when we want to hoover?

July 16, 2013 - 5:25pm
Liberated2Aspire
Liberated2Aspire's picture

Hoovers equals ABUSE!

Liberated2Aspire

July 16, 2013 - 11:04am
ziggy
ziggy's picture

Thank you

June 13, 2013 - 4:44pm
Hopelessdenial
Hopelessdenial's picture

Goldie, this really helped

June 1, 2013 - 11:44am
Stace
Stace's picture

Hi goldie, thank you for this

February 19, 2013 - 2:24am
Alissa
Alissa's picture

It always helps to read this

January 3, 2013 - 12:42pm
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

This is truly phenomenal

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

October 21, 2012 - 11:01am
ItsAboutMeNow
ItsAboutMeNow's picture

Just joined your site today..

November 23, 2012 - 5:19am (Reply to #35)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

He "needed" you alright; for supply

October 21, 2012 - 11:00am
ItsAboutMeNow
ItsAboutMeNow's picture

Just joined your site today..

October 13, 2013 - 4:01pm (Reply to #33)
Crw
Crw's picture

I too am new here and new to

October 21, 2012 - 11:00am
ItsAboutMeNow
ItsAboutMeNow's picture

Just joined your site today..

September 21, 2012 - 4:09pm
EAD46
EAD46's picture

wolf in sheep's clothing

April 5, 2012 - 12:24pm
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Are there some who never Hoover because you called them out?

January 18, 2012 - 3:49am
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

hoover...no!

Hi there,Goldie,Ladies...This morning i got anemail from Ex N ,after 3 months...He says QUOTE"I WILL BE HAPPY WHEN THIS MESS IS OVER WITH.TAT IS HOW I ALWAYS FEEL NOW AND HOW I HAVE FELT IN THE BEGINNING OF MY UNDERSTENDING OF LIFE.sO ANYTHING YOU WOULD SAY IS MEANINGFUL TO YOU BUT IS NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED.MY DEATH IS WHAT I NEED OR WANT." Well i do not know what to think of it...To tell the truth,i did shed a tear ,but on the other side this shows me how he really is...i am now feeling a great inner peace ,and feeling that NOBODY CAN REACH HIM...is a totally lost cause...i accept that he is never going to feel good,no matter what he does,or someone tries to do for him...Is his load that i tried to share with him,but now i see he has to carry it alone...Love to you all

Aceonelady

January 18, 2012 - 6:08am (Reply to #27)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Aceonelady

He is basically saying: Narc Speak: "Since my life began, since I was a young boy, I have NEVER had any interest in hassles. They are not for me. I avoid them at all cost and since you were not my slave I have no interest in this situation because it is a mess and I don't like to clean up messes. If YOU have some need to get it out, share your feelings, talk about it ect...that is YOUR problem because I have no interest in talkng about anything, unless it involves me getting what I want and having things my way so keep YOUR feelings to yourself, I have NO interest or desire in hearing about them. I am a major drama king and when my life has hassles and messes it makes me just want to escape and act like a big baby because I am unstable and selfish to the core. If things do not get better and go MY way, I am going to make it sound like I would prefer death so that YOU and others will feel sorry for me and pity me and then I will be able to manipulate others into doing things MY way." God bless, Goldie
August 11, 2013 - 9:14am (Reply to #28)
DixxieBelle
DixxieBelle's picture

OMGosh this is spot on. It's

January 18, 2012 - 1:37am
NoNarcingZone
NoNarcingZone's picture

The Hoover...A 'Backhanded' Compliment!

A backhanded compliment is described as an insult that is disguised as a compliment. We've been separated 2 yrs (since I found this site). He was deployed most of that. time He's back (but resides abroad) & knows my eyes are WIDE OPEN to what he is now. Disordered. I let him back in 'temporarily' after a 1½ of NC. I feel my continuous therapy sessions have once again thickened my skin & cleared the fog. He hoovered HEAVILY right before he arrived in the states from deployment. He ran so hot/cold after a week of 'playing' sane husband. He began to show disdain toward our toddler - stating that she's spoiled/undisciplined...and it's my fault. Ummm...she's 2½ assclown! Anyway, I was D&D because I went calmly apesh*t on him - explaining that our REunion wasn't happening. He left back to Europe w/out a word to us. Sent a birthday email 2 mos later sending well wishes & that my present was on its way. That was Sept. Last email came in Dec. He notified me that he'll be returning to the states by summer & requested a copy of our marriage - I assume for housing purposes. Ummmm...the ONLY document he'll receive from me @ this point is a divorce decree. Two years ago, I would've anxiously awaited those emails. With the hope that he still cared & wanted to salvage the relationship. That was THEN. I'm getting my life together as a single parent...again. The ONLY partnership I'm interested in - is at SALSA (dancing)! I could give 2 sh*ts about that whackjob of a loon! LOL I was a COMPLIMENT to his dwarf-like ass!

-------------------------------------------
"Soldier, don't confuse your rank with MY authority!"

January 18, 2012 - 6:15am (Reply to #24)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Nonarcingzone

Your name says it all: NO NARC ZONE. All set here buddy. Typical narc blaming YOU because your child was acting like a child. They cannot stand the "appearance" of anything which does not LOOK picture perfect even though their own lives are trainwrecks.. I can remember my X getting embarrased because my PUPPY was acting like a PUPPY. Like somehow this was going to be a reflection on HIM. WTF, get a life buddy!!! You have made enormous progress and must feel wonderful to no longer be under his thumb. God bless, Goldie
August 11, 2013 - 11:16am (Reply to #25)
HappyToForget
HappyToForget's picture

Appearances = perfect

January 15, 2012 - 9:32am
wannaletgo22
wannaletgo22's picture

Hoover is NOT a compliment

Goldie- thank you for this blog post-it's so insightful. A lot of us have lamented at one point or another that we weren't even good enough for a hoover...or even those who fear it, at the same time look at it as some sort of validation or proof that the intense feelings or connection they feel with their N is somehow reciprocated. When I first signed on here a few months ago- I was still in that frame of mind. Unfortunately- I think it may take first hand experience and a few rounds of hoovering before it really sinks in- hoovering is NOT a compliment. Experience has shown me that he will say anything (usually exactly what I most need to hear) to suck me in...but there is no action behind it, and worse still, no INTENT to act behind the words. The second I'm in...he backpeddles...sometimes just minutes later. Anyone who gives a rat's ass about me, wouldn't do that to me...not after all the drama and pain and suffering he'd cause. Normal people, even those who aren't particularly kind or caring, would have a little mercy, walk away and let me be. When I finally got that, I got that the hoover was far from a compliment. Now I see it as an insult....demonstrates how weak and desperate he thinks I am- that has helped me maintain No Contact....proving to him, but more to myself, that I am not some pathetic person who can be so easily manipulated and used.
January 18, 2012 - 6:23am (Reply to #22)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Beautiful Wannaletgo

You are getting there. A big Woohoo to you!!! They need to be shown that when we are done; we are done and no B.S. hoovering is going to change this. I fully understand that for some, when they don't hear from them again or for a long time, it feels awful, like we did not mean anything to them at all and they were so easily able to walk away. This however, is not the case. When you do not hear from them again its because their power supply source is no longer buying into their crap and they know that they need to discard you for new supply or they wait until your batteries are recharged and they come back to go another round IF YOU will ALLOW this. That is the most pathetic hoover of all. They leave you for dead and then come back much later when you are back on top of your game in the hopes of sucking you back in again, only to leave you once again after they have sucked you dry. DON'T fall for it, they don't change, they will do the exact same thing to you again. Trust those of us who have been there. I does NOT get any better. God bless, Goldie
January 17, 2012 - 9:18pm (Reply to #19)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

AMEN!! What goes thru the

AMEN!! What goes thru the head of a Narc when he hoovers?? I think your still dumb enough to buy my bullshit. The biggest compliment from a Narc is the discard. Once again a trip to opposite land. The translation of the discard: You dont feed me enough anymore cause you are calling me on my shit. You are starting to uncover that I am a fraud. You might tell people so I have to make you look crazy so that no one will believe you when you do. You were better than me anyway and I dont like how that makes me feel. So you must go.
March 5, 2012 - 8:25pm (Reply to #21)
Dorothy1
Dorothy1's picture

Wow. I think that may have

January 18, 2012 - 5:55am (Reply to #20)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I agree with you totally Gettinbetter

Exactly, they are basically saying: "I have USED you, ABUSED you, LIED to you, CHEATED on you, and completely BROKEN your heart, and NOW, I am trying to get back with you so I can do it somemore. Where is the compliement in this? Where is the, I will leave you alone now so you can heal and GET OVER my sorry ass? Where is the respect that you NO LONGER want anything to do with them? The hoover is a blantent disregard for YOUR wishes that they stay away. ALSO, it someone truly LOVES you, they are going to do a bit more than send you a text, email, or call 100 times and leave either NO MESSAGE or a B.S. message like: I miss your voice or you. Big deal, what does that mean after nearly destroying your life? Not much. WAKE UP, the hoover is NOT a compliement by any stretch. It IS as you say, Gettingbetter, an indication that they ASSUME or PRESUME us to be DUMB enough to BUY their B.S. I was talking with Lisa last night and XXXNARC had called me the night before on an old cell phone that SUPOSEDLY was lost and he called both of my lines and left NO message. His is too much of a WUSS to say what he wants. Just calling and trying to leave his options open by saying nothing. Clearly NOT a sign that he LOVES me so much, lol. A sign that new supply is NOT living up to his greedy expectations. I said to LIsa: What does he take me for, a complete moron? Does he actually think that I have any desire to speak with him after ALL that he has done to me and my life? GET REAL JACK ASS, IT IS OVER. Shall I spell it for you: O V E R, over. Great to see you on the board, Gettinbetter, miss you. God bless, Goldie
January 14, 2012 - 10:07pm
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Goldie

I needed so much to hear this, at this very moment. Thank you for the reminder.
January 18, 2012 - 6:27am (Reply to #17)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Just Remember

So glad this helped you; it will get better in time. I no longer even want to respond to the X. He can hoover away and I don't even want to hear what he has to say. You will get there, indifference is freedom from the bondage of love or hate towards them. Get out YOUR feelings through journaling, posting, ect... and one day you wake up and realize that the spell has been broken, they no longer have any hold over you. God bless, Goldie
January 10, 2012 - 2:21pm
ichooselife
ichooselife's picture

Hoover is not a compliment

Thankyou Goldie, i needed to hear this to remember.... My ex started stalking me before Christmas, in a round-about way. waiting outside the neighborhood mall near the stores i always go to, now emailing me once in a while. I couldn't figure out why at first, but i could tell by his behavior/ attitude toward me that it wasnt cause he missed me. It had been 6 mo that he'd barely seen me or talked when i called it quits but barely returned my hug the 2nd time i caught him following me. I wondered "Why would he go to so much trouble to come to my neighborhood being that he lives far away, and wait for so long to catch sight of me, than start talking about himself as soon as he sees me and be indifferent to my hug? wierd. Now i just assume the worst.He's doing it to screw with me (which it really did) and so i havent answered any emails. I will have to be strong next time i see him and threaten to call cops if i see him around here again. Thats hard for me.
January 18, 2012 - 6:37am (Reply to #15)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

He is like a rat looking for some cheese.

This is a perfect example of how they show up out of nowhere when they want something or are low on supply. New supply is tired of their b.s. and mind games, so they hoover to see if there is any cheese available over at our place. Great job on avoiding the hoover attempt; you go girl!! We are fresh out of cheese here you DIRTY RAT. Guess you are going to have to go to the supermarket and BUY some of your own like everyone else does. Your days of soaking us dry are OVER. Bye bye Narc Rat, there are rat traps all over my house now and it you even think of trying to get back you may get your little tail caught. Keep up the good work, you are seeing him for what he is and this is a major part of recovery for us. The truth about them will set us free. God bless, Goldie
December 30, 2011 - 9:59pm
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

So true, Goldie!!!!

Excellent blog post, Goldie! This is so true! Hoovering is NOT a compliment. Do not take it as such! According to the on-line Urban Dictionary, the definition of Hoovering is: “Being manipulated back into a relationship with threats of suicide, self-harm, or threats of false criminal accusations. Relationship manipulation often associated with individuals suffering from personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” It is important to be mindful of this occurring so you can recognize it and not get sucked-in. The term Hoovering gets its name from the Hoover vacuum. The Narcissist uses all kinds of manipulative behavior to suck you back in to the relationship. He may threaten suicide saying that he can’t live without you. He purposefully plays on your good-naturedness to get you to feel sorry for him. During this stage, the Narcissist reverts back to the courting behavior he exhibited in the beginning of your relationship in order to win you back. He acts loving, compassionate and supportive. He promises you everything you ever wanted and more. He acknowledges the error of his ways and promises to change. Narcissists are very charming so the initial Hoovering stage is often quite successful. Not to mention, the Narcissist knows you well enough to know which buttons to push to get you to succumb to him. Please know that the minute you take him back, he will revert to his old behavior. He is only coming back to you because he is incapable of being alone. He needs someone in his life to validate him at all times. This is not a compliment by any stretch of the imagination. It is an insult, if anything, because he thinks he can still get a reaction out of you. Do NOT give in and give him this satisfaction. He does not deserve this. NC is the only way to go here! Anyone who has taken a Narcissist back can attest to the fact that they quickly revert to their old behavior once they have you back under their control. I can speak from personal experience, as can others here, and tell you before you try it that if you take him back, you only end up hurting yourself and prolonging your pain. Narcissists are incapable of change. They are master manipulators and can convince you of their good intentions, but please remember, it is nothing more than an act. No Contact is the only way to go when breaking free. If you respond to him in any way, shape or form, he will continue to hoover. Do not feed the dog - Ignore, Ignore, Ignore! It's the only way to make him stop and leave you alone - allowing you to finally move on.
January 18, 2012 - 6:38am (Reply to #13)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Thanks Lisa

Just for today we will AVOID the Narc Hoover and tomorrow and the next day; until they no longer have any power or control over us. God bless, Goldie
December 29, 2011 - 10:13pm
susnebraska
susnebraska's picture

Hoover Empowering 2 ME!

When the EX NARC hoovered to me, I gloated. Why? He wanted to talk to me, obviously. Gain control of me again. No, way I say. So, I blocked his ability to text me further, and halted anyway for him to phone me. Telling him via email to go away and leave me alone....made me feel good. But still, with each contact he makes toward me, I go through serious stress. It shows in my nightmares...of which I dream in metaphors...so I suffer. Best advice, is NC. No Contact. If he comes to the door, which I wonder daily, I have a plan of action. Do not answer. Or, if I did answer, give him the cold shoulder. Tell him to go away. That he means zero to me. Recovery from a NARC is a long process of pain and suffering. NC gives you strength to move on to a happier life, along with help from this forum, therapy, medications, and spending a lot of times with friends and family. Wish me luck. Ditto to you. Yes, when he hoovers, i.e., tries to suck me in like vacuum, I gloat. What a loser, after all he's done, he's still trying to get my attention! It has nothing to do with "love" for me. He had none for me. It's 'cause he's freaking out - that his long time supply - doesn't give a hoot anymore - me - and wants nothing to do with his sorry ass.
January 18, 2012 - 6:46am (Reply to #11)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Great job at NC, you are dong the work and it will pay off

You are taking the steps to get him out and to assure that he stays out. He may come to your house, my did. He showed up after about 3 weeks of my having blocked him on my phones. At that point I was locking my doors because a few times prior he had walked right in the door. When he showed up, I was on the phone with a member actually, and he was knocking and calling my name. I went into my bedroom, the furthest place from the front door, and I shut the bedroom door and could barely hear him in there and after awhile I heard him get in his car and drive away. Another time, I just got in the shower and took a LONG shower because I could not hear him from in the shower and when I came out, he was gone. What ever it takes, you can do this. The best thing if he comes to your house is to make sure it is secure. All doors and windows locked and get away from the door and call someone if you can and wait it out together with them on the phone until he is gone. Any comments which you make through the door they take as supply, so it is best to say nothing. Eventually he will get the hint. God bless, Goldie
December 29, 2011 - 9:18pm
aj51
aj51's picture

But what exactly is hoovering? I think I'm experiencing it

Thank you for that blog entry – I am currently in that state of being happy to not have contact, but enjoying what I believe were hoovering moments, and then getting angry/feeling rejected when there is no hoovering. However, I’m still a bit confused on what constitutes as hoovering; I think I am experiencing it on some level, but I am not 100% sure. As soon as I told my N that I needed space and had no room in my life for him, he left me alone – but of course I had removed him from messenger – which was the only way he ever contacted me despite having my email, mobile number and was a facebook friend. He has not tried contacting me at all. BUT, as I described in my story (http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/12/29/alone-thoughts-no-outlet-until-now-looking-input-move-forward) he (I think purposely) flirted literally in front of me (he was sitting across the table from me – he chose to sit there after I was already seated) only after I had ignored him most of the night; he was going to show up at a party my friend and I were planning and he got angry when I told him I didn’t want him there; and then when I stopped by my friend’s office, he approached me three times to chat despite me cold shouldering him. I was thinking maybe he is trying to put on ‘aren’t a nice guy – how could you not have me around’ kind of approach. I’ve also wondered if he only approached me because there was safety in striking up conversation in front of my friend – I wouldn’t get angry, criticize him etc. - that perhaps he thinks I would have to be nice to him because my friend is there and it allows him to be in control (?) and exert his ‘aren’t a nice guy’ image without the fear of me knocking him down (?) Maybe that is why he doesn’t attempt to call, email, connect on facebook or text to my phone (?)
January 18, 2012 - 6:51am (Reply to #9)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes, that was hoovering

Hoovering by proxy. If they cannot get to you directly they USE a third party. Family members, mutual friends, OW, ect.... They all have their ways of hoovering designed to get to you and if you avoid them long enough they will kick it up a few knotches with something new. He has no need to contact you otherwise because he can see you anyway at the friends office and try to get to you that way. Don't take the bait, there is no reason to ever get back with someone who plays headgames. You are much better than this God bless, Goldie
December 29, 2011 - 6:53am
Hidden Waters
Hidden Waters's picture

I've always wondered why my

I've always wondered why my ex-N hovers online. I have not contacted him in over 6 months. He broke up with me in May, but I eventually blocked and deleted him from everywhere online he was linked to me in mid-August. My Twitter, Facebook, Livejournal, blogs, everything. Unfortunately, although I eradicated him from my life in those ways, I kept "keeping tabs" on things he did, because I was trying to find answers to everything that happend to me, to all of the abuse and his dramatic turn from Mr. Fantastic to Mr. Cold-as-F***. I do realize it was bad for me to keep looking privately. But I also understand why I did it. All the peeking did was continue to keep me in agony and to carry on the abuse FOR him. When I looked I saw that he recently met someone else and is now claiming to be totally in love with this woman. Another long distance relationship. He met her online, has seen her only once, and already since Sept. they are claiming to be soul mates. She was gushing about how he's opened himself up to her so much and that they both identify with being hurt and rejected, among other things. That let me know that he was surely telling flat out lies, as usual. The man who pathologically lied about everything. The man who cheated repeatedly with women in person and online. The man who led a secret life and told people he was single when we were still engaged. The man who kept telling me that he wasn't cut out for serious relationships, future marriage, he needed time to himself, he didn't see himself with anyone else for a LONG time, he would never do another long distance relationship again, and so on. Within a week of dumping me in May, I found out that he secretly placed a personal dating ad online scouting for women, that he (online) romantically linked up with a shady woman on my Facebook who pretended to be friendly and nice to me (and someone he kept on telling me that looked like a man to him and that he had NO interest in), he posted nearly nude pictures of himself on an online discussion board for women to gawk at, and he blocked and deleted me from all of his messengers, and so on. I've since stopped looking and keeping tabs on what he does alone and what he does with her. I am just left with information I last learned. Which was too much to put myself through. BUT he keeps tabs on me. I have always had readership trackers on my blogs and online journals for years. It's been a way to keep track of people who read me that are on my f-lists, and also people who randomly visit. And it's a way to make sure that I guard myself from trolls. Anyway he used to be on my Livejournal. I deleted him from that, too, in mid-August, but he still has ME on his f-list. He has no idea that I can see who reads my journal. I never told him I had a tracker there. When we were together, I'd sometimes post filtered journals entries to him, but of course that stopped. He can no longer see protected entries, as he's not on MY list, but he still looks into my journal to see if I've posted any PUBLIC entries. Whenever he does, I get hits on my tracker and I know it is him. As I mentioned earlier, he's met this new woman, she and her friends claim (through his word) that he is supposedly in love and all renewed and "changed" (which is hardly the case), but he looks in on my journal at least once a week. He's hit up my journal several times this holiday season. A good friend thinks he is looking because he wants to compare how I am doing with how he's doing. That it's just a sadistic action on his part to match all of the rest of the sadistic c things he pulled in our "connection". I have no idea what to believe. Of course I'd never contact him again, but I do admit to wondering why in the hell he looks in on my journal if he's so damn happy with this new woman he immediately replaced me with?
January 18, 2012 - 6:57am (Reply to #7)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I think that your friends assessment is spot on

They are competitive, petty, creatures and they derive pleasure in thinking that they are doing great now and hoping that you are not. Sick isn't it? We all know that he is not doing great and it is only a matter of time that the truth will come out with this new. Thank God you no longer have to be involved in his twisted web. It is natural in the beginning to seek answers to what just hit us, most of us go through this, I am thrilled that you have been able to make strides in this area and of course when you no longer even have to look, you will begin a new chapter of your life without that venom in your life. God bless, Goldie
December 29, 2011 - 1:15am
purplekaty
purplekaty's picture

Thanks Goldie

This was just wht I needed to get back on track I have been out of my mind with thoughts of him since his Christmas text and I did text a greeting back and now beating myself up for it even though at the time it was just a simple Merry Christmas wish to him and his family, something I do to everyone at this season but reading what you wrote I gave him just what he needed at the time and I have been sick about it. I have seen the light lol and 2012 will not see me wasting another thought,tear,or breathe on that piece of shit. I will be staying very close to this site and working on me
January 18, 2012 - 7:00am (Reply to #5)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

This is great news, no need to bring his sorry ass into 2012

Good job, hope you have blocked him on your phone. This is all about self care and protection. You are doing the work and you will get there much faster if you cut ALL ties and remain NC. A Happy Narc Free 2012 to you. God bless, Goldie
December 28, 2011 - 7:20pm
A Narc Encounter
A Narc Encounter's picture

Good Point - Wish I Read it Sooner

Glad you cleared this up. I was having a low moment this evening (after a month of NC) and called my former serial narc. I left a message. The funny part is-I know he won't return the call JUST to get me back. He would rather be hand cuffed and booked than call me back. This was the first shot I ever offered at me. I gave it to him good his first and last gas lightening attempt on me, so I know better. On the phone with a friend screetching "Why would you degrade yourself?" Good question-that is what I did. I broke up with him JUST before Thanksgiving and yes, he called four times and hung up. I felt "missed" and baskt in the glory-but the truth is, he simply had sub-zero supply during Thanksgiving. Now he is with his mother for Christmas (the reason for his season) too bad he can't crawl back in her womb.
January 18, 2012 - 7:03am (Reply to #3)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Lol, crawl back in her womb; the big baby.

Most of us get enraged over what they did to us and it is common to stoop to their level from time to time. I D&D mine so badly the last time he pulled his crap that even when he hoovers now he is afraid to get on my bad side, so his hoovering attempt now are laced with fear. Oh well, he deserved it, I am not losing any sleep over it. They get what they put out. We have no need to feel guilty over being pushed to the brink. God bless, Goldie
December 28, 2011 - 5:23pm
bgirl
bgirl's picture

Spot on....absolutely....I'm

Spot on....absolutely....I'm going to read this post everyday until my brain computes... Thank u Goldie xx
January 18, 2012 - 7:05am (Reply to #1)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

You are welcome Bgirl

NC, NC, NC!!! Hoovering does NOT = caring, it simply means they are low on supply and looking for a fix. God bless, Goldie