A Time of SELF Forgiveness and Setting NEW Bounderies for the NEW YEAR, 2012

A Time of Self Forgiveness and Setting NEW Bounderies for the NEW YEAR, 2012!

We do not have to do anything we don't feel comfortable with in order to try to KEEP or SECURE a man or woman. Once you cross over that line, you don't really have them anyway; they have you."

The New Year is fast approaching and is a great time to let go of unhealthy behaviors.

The New Year Resolution; 2012.

PD's often live a in a seedy, sick, twisted world of deception and darkness. It is not uncommon for the mate of a PD to find themselves sinking into behaviors to try and keep the PD happy, satisfied, and coming back. Some may begin to drink with the PD, perhaps try drugs with the PD, engage in sexual activities which do not feel comfortable or acceptable to the mate, eat foods that are unhealthy out of frustration or because those are what the PD likes to eat, begin smoking due to the stress of life with the PD.

There are many ways that we have given in to the PD in order to keep the peace and to please them.

Part of recovery is to get back on track with who YOU truly are and to begin to discover yourself again, if you have found that YOU were lost in the PD.

The Year 2012 can be a clean slate. It can be a time of rebirth and renewal from the unhealthy behaviors engaged in with the PD or as a result from the damage from the PD.

The first course of action is to forgive yourself. You were only looking for love in a place where there was no love to be found. This does not make you a bad person, a stupid person, or a crazy person. It simply means that you made an error in judgement and this was not your fault; you were sucked in and brainwashed by a sick, disordered pro.

"I forgive myself for choosing a mate unsuitable for me and I will keep my eyes wide open, watch for the red flags, and immediately disengage when I see that I am repeating unhealthy patterns."

The next action is to write a list of all the activities and behaviors to which you sunk in order to keep the peace and please your PD. There is no need for any guilt, shame, or remorse to stay inside of you because you were manipulated into believing that you had to do these things in order to avoid abandonment. Then, let go of these things, give them to God or whatever you believe in, close your eyes, and say the words:

"I forgive myself and I release these acts and behaviors to you."

"I am letting go of the deep dark levels to which I went and moving forward, I will protect myself with healthy bounderies and say no to activities and behaviors which no longer serve me and do not allow me to feel good about myself."

Roll the paper up, put it in the fireplace, burn it, and let them go.

Now, write a list of resolutions for the New Year.

"I resolve to remain NC and keep healthy bounderies for myself."

"I resolve to eat more healthy nutritious foods to nurture myself."

"I resolve to set healthy bounderies for myself with my family and friends."

"I resolve to reach out more to create a support network to assist me in my recovery."

"I resolve to say NO to engaging in unhealthy behaviors just to have the company and attention of a man/w; I deserve better than this and choose not to hurt myself anymore."

"I resolve to love myself more and learn to say NO to having sexual relations with men/w who disrespect me."

The above are samples; make up the one's which feel most natural and comfortable for you.

This is most effective when you print them out and read them several times a day, everyday, until they become a part of what you believe. Put them in your pocketbook, car, bedroom, and when you have a couple of minutes, take them out and read them again. This is the beginning of changing our thoughts about who we are, what we want, and what we believe about ourselves and where we are going in 2012. What we think, say, and believe, creates our future. It is deprogramming the old tapes and reprogramming with the NEW.

Happy New Year my Sisters and Brothers in recovery; Here's to a New Year with SELF FORGIVENESS and learning to set HEALTHY BOUNDERIES FOR OURSELVES!!!

God bless,
Goldie

March 26, 2013 - 6:27pm
don'tlookback
don'tlookback's picture

Thanks for this Goldie at any

December 27, 2011 - 9:47am
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

This is an excellent post

This is an excellent post Goldie! Thank you!
December 23, 2011 - 4:01pm
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Thanks Goldie

I wanted to make some clear goals for next year, and I will definitely take your good advice. Thank you lots!!
December 23, 2011 - 4:00pm
bernadette
bernadette's picture

My last N ! ? !!

My last N…!?!! A few month ago I fortunately found your forum, and however I need for some English words and descriptions a dictionary, most topics/articles I can easily read and understanding ….(In my country I miss this kind of forums ) but writing in English is still difficult for me…but in my under mentioned story I will try to explain you why I am so happy finding it. After a marriage of more than 30 years I went finally out of this marriage … and I however I hoped, he would find an AW ( me, coward) , but I divorced him, and never regrets it…..(We have 3 children together… ) During that time I find him a little selfish child, who always wanted everything….my ( everyone’s) adoration…my time…my strength….my love….my initiatives.. my inspiration: his love was only conditional….But I gave him almost everything …but it was never enough ( also thanks to my Catholic education…it was my “duty”) Now I see, he had many narcissistic attributes.. ( and I was not the only person who thought so…)He was very selfish….normative but not mean… During the marriage crisis I went to a therapist (“ he didn’t need to go”) and she helped me to see that one of my big problems were (are): knowing and holding my boundaries ,….yes, I am a “pleaser”….Now…. I finally started to learn:…. but knowing and willing is not yet “able to doing” and persevere. After 3 years I met a new man, older than me, also very intellectual like my first husband, a professor, still a well-known international , brain researcher and publisher , sporty and he loves, just like me, museums and culture had a very active life. These last things were the things I missed in my marriage. Like my ex-husband ( he died for 3 years ago) he “carried me on his hands” in the beginning (so we called this in my country…)..and maybe you can guess….and I felled in love with him…. His wife also died for four years….( before I met him) and yes, he was “unfaithful to her …. but …. she was very depressed , she was an alcoholic and medicine addict , and very lousy” etc. etc.; “she blocked his carrier”…(“ probably he could had win the Nobel prizes for his academic research “) And of course …he sad: he felt very guilty about his deceit ….”He couldn’t forgive himself “and when he talks about his “mistakes”…he really cried a lot…. (one daughter confirmed this vision of his wife….but the others keeps silent..) He nearly had “friends “ because “ they were foreign collegians from his University: one study -friend I met twice. Our communication was in the beginning personal ..about the art we saw in the museums, the films we saw…the concerts we visit…..but also not very deep…mostly superficial, or very rational, and sometimes he gave other opinions about the same issues. Later we mostly talked about HIS research,books,( I am also a prof.)houses, wishes, needs…problems with his children…but nevertheless he was never satisfied about the quantity of my attentions (pff …pff )… and became during our relationship more and more controlling, trying overrule my boundaries ..ignoring my wishes and values. …and,I agree.. I let this often happen. Sometimes there was also behavior of manipulative, lying, sometimes sarcastic, appease it in the beginning.. thinking : “This is a part of his mourning”…or :” he is really a absently professor”….”we all have our history”…”you can’t change another person”…”loving is giving and taking”… so I ignore my intuition. Besides he was very interesting in my salary.. money ( we shares the collective expenses) ; wanted several times money from my wealthy son- in -law ( I was very angry about him) wanted more and more of my time…and when I refuse he was (covering) punishing me,in several ways….even then ,he never wanted to understand my comments about his lack of empathy to me and other people ..USES everyone in his ( and mine) circle…even his own children….dangerous driving… his remarkable behavior, to me and others …strange…without empathy ..hard.. or negative …always criticizing, blaming others ….But for significant strangers, always so charming…helpful… Talking about this contradiction behavior, on his or my couch, there was mostly no dialog, only monolog( from me) then…denying… then promising always “ recuperation”… but never effectively.Afterwards ( a few weeks, later, days) he was pleasant, cozy , …lovely,it was nice and relax. … Charming…..Then , out of nowhere he became moody,grumpy, and gave me silent treatments… and no comment on my questions: Why?? …..I became very tired of all his games. At first I wouldn’t,couldn’t believe it all…deny it …but the last year this behaviors are becoming stronger, frequenter,less hiding. Yes of course, now I see that I deny several“red Flags” in the beginning.. How blind and simple I was! The more his masks felt, the more my shells felt from my eyes… I was astonished who he really is/was…and however I thought I loved him ( Did I really know HIM???) I ended, after 3 years,this summer,our relation…(Happily I had resist his frequently request for living together ) very convinced but also with pain, regrets in my heart…. We had also many nice, happy (?!?)relaxed moments,the cozy ,sports and culture activities,our intimacy, the sex, the holidays we shared. … When I called one of his children and told her that I stopped the relation with her father, she said : “Oh my God…this is new…how will he react?... In the past he always ended his relations”… “But, yes, ..I can understand your decision very well”…...And I was in shock!!….nobody had told me all that years…!!.(He have had many other women during his marriage) His reaction on my decision to stop our relation, was furious, then charming, begging…sarcastic.. But my approach was:It’s over, I told you clearly, why ….several times…. However “He didn’t get it at all “ so after several appeals, I sent him a final letter, writing again my experiences …my exceptions,…my disappointments…my hurt by …his behaviors,. his games…ignorance …his promises …his lies….his manipulations …..his controlling …etc.etc. I wrote him that I never game back in a relation with him and that I wishes him “all the goods in the future“. So yes, I stopped the contact, but he didn’t…… till now he stalks me, my children, my friends, my family… he tried to use his children…his neighbors to contact me and telling me “he is sooo sorry, he made so many mistakes “….and …he cried ….many tears…He even wanted to go in therapy…and he did …for 3 sessions : I didn’t want to go with him…so this tactic failed. …and he stopped. Till now he sends me SMS..…mails.. letters/gifts in my briefcase etc. etc. Telling he is “sorry…he misses me, he learned so much and promising…. he is changed. “ Even this week I became 2 letters and a photo album with photos from me and him of the last three years….( He never showed me before ) Never the less …..I give him no reactions despite all his provocations. But it’s also difficult to avoid him in the theater and museums. I went for another sport school and I do Yoga, play golf, …I enjoy my (grand)children and friends, nature, books and film …but this whole situation…his hovering…. costs me still lots of energy….but gives me also new energy. …also thanks to your supporting in your forum!! The last half year I read books about NPD/ Sociopath/Psychopath from Dr. G. Simon., dr. R. Hare, Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi , Donna Andersen, Claudia Moscovici.. ..and now The Path Forward…they are very eye opened for me…. I will never, ever, go back to him…. and yes , it’s sometimes difficult to remain his several masks ( Your forum discussions helps me remember) : I misses all the nice activities we shared……Still wondering,( I am high- educated and find myself not unworldly ) that a person can be so evil , can hide this so easily, so good and so long….(and cheat so many others in my envirnment ) I still struggle sometimes with mixed feelings of quilt, anger and also with the feeling of COMPASSION …. but most of all I feel RELIEFD ….still spent “quality time” to get lost of my “quilt”, and “ how prevent becoming a suspicious person, …looking for “my triggers”, of not finding/ recognizing, in time the red flags and not guarding my boundaries “ . The last 2 years, my education team “dealed /struggled” also with 2 directors also N) on university.At last we used every honest and official way to unmask them…we collect as much as possible proof, and we succeed….they are fired this summer…and our team put out the flag….what a victory!! In one way, I think this “battle “ experience, held me in the beginning, off from my personal problems, but otherwise, I am sure, it made me more conscious of abuse of power. So,at this moment( since a few weeks )I feel mostly strong and grateful… and live most of the time, my worth full life, that I am really aware of, and that he still needs and wants sooo much… bad luck.. I will thank very much for all your supporting blogs,posts and discussions wish you a LOVELY NEW YEAR! Bernadette
January 16, 2012 - 2:26am (Reply to #7)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Dear bernadette. Your story

Dear bernadette. Your story sounds so much like mine. Well done for finally leaving him. Im glad you found help here on an English site. Well done. Your story should really be posted under the my story section so other people can find it. Where are you living in italy?? Im living in milan so we could have a chat, message me under the private message and i can respond.
December 23, 2011 - 2:06pm
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Goldie Rocks!! Hunter

Goldie Rocks!! Hunter
December 23, 2011 - 2:03pm
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Goldie!

Wow, you always amaze me with your inspiring words, Goldie! This is so true and so important to point out: "The first course of action is to forgive yourself. You were only looking for love in a place where there was no love to be found. This does not make you a bad person, a stupid person, or a crazy person. It simply means that you made an error in judgement and this was not your fault; you were sucked in and brainwashed by a sick, disordered pro." We did absolutely nothing wrong but believe in the goodness of another person. We must forgive ourselves before we can move on. The new year is a perfect time to focus on starting anew and you're right - we absolutely must DEPROGRAM AND REPROGRAM our brain. This has been proven scientifically. We were brainwashed by the narc and we must deprogram from them. Thank you for the wonderful ideas and suggestions on how to reprogram in 2012. The new year is truly a gift - our life is a gift - and we absolutely must appreciate it and embrace it. Thank you for reminding us of this, Goldie, and thank you for being a gift in each our our lives! xoxo
December 23, 2011 - 12:23pm
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Powerful yet again....

This is beautiful! What a gift.....a new year, a new life. Allowing forgiveness and embracing self love. Thank you Goldie, and all the wonderful, healing moderators for providing such a beacon of light through the darkest of times. Wishing you all warm and happy holidays and may the blessings and love you give to all of us here come back to each of you tenfold. xoxo
December 23, 2011 - 10:43am
spinning
spinning's picture

Goldie, this is so awesome

and a life-changer. Truly. I hope everyone will do this and I wish from the bottom of my heart that 2012 brings all of us peace, clarity, strength, purpose and love. Thank you for this and for all you do for us here. Love, (not) spinning. AND VERY GRATEFUL FOR THE BLESSINGS IN LIFE

spinning

December 23, 2011 - 9:09am
Joy2me
Joy2me's picture

This was beautiful!

Thank you for this post, brought tears of joy to me! I have just recently began to think about the need to forgive myself. Thank you for showing me the steps. You have truly found a way to use your horrible experience to help others. I am reminded of the scripture: Genesis 50:20 (NASB) says: "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." These are the words of Joseph, who was sold into slavery by his own brothers, and then imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit. Having a dis-ordered person in your life does that to you, your significant other uses you and in the end you end up paying for a crime you never committed. But God has the last word, for those of us that follow the steps and heal; we can turn this around for good. Goldie, you have truly demonstrated this to be true. Much love and happiness to you in 2012. Joy2me
December 23, 2011 - 10:42am (Reply to #1)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Oh my goodness, JOY2ME this is one of the most lovely things

Anyone has ever said to me. I will treasure these words of beauty, gratitude, and appeciation towards my efforts to help others to heal, forever. I am touched and my heart is warmed by your loving observations and the truth in what you are saying regarding how we are faced with a sentence for a crime we did not comit when we continue to engage with the PD. I am beginning to come to this realization myself lately, that I went through what I did for a reason and as horrific as it was, if I can help just one woman to see her way along to The Path Forward and away from the crippling results of a relationship with a PD, then it has all been worthwhile and I did not suffer in vain. God bless you and your family over the Holidays and New Year, you are truly blessed because God has allowed you the gift of seeing the BIG PICTURE. Thank you, Goldie