Cherishing our Independence after the Narcissist

I just read an excellent article I want to share with all of you! A must-read showing how more and more women are choosing to be independent in life and are happy with this decision.

I'm not saying we should never date a man (quite the opposite) but why are we so consumed with finding one we can settle down with for the rest of our lives? Is this even realistic anymore or desirable for that matter?

Narcissists are like children who require constant attention and validation every second of the day. Without such ego-stroking, they become criticial, demeaning and cruel. When we first come out of a relationship with such a person, we find ourselves with lots of free time we don't necessarily know what to do with or how to spend.

Instead of trying to find someone else right away, I beg you to cherish this time to pamper yourself and spend time with the people you may not have spent much time with as a result of being in a relationship with such a demanding person. You owe this to yourself and your loved ones!

Women are inherently caretakers and nurturers and when we first come out of a relationship with a narcissist, we may be confused as to what to do with our time.

No more confusion, ladies! We should embrace our freedom to do whatever we want, whenever we want. Men do it all the time - why can't we? We should accept dates from only those we feel are most deserving of our time and be less concerned with what will become of the relationship. Instead, simply enjoy the moment.

Life is a journey after all. Why are we so obsessed with figuring it all out so quickly. Relish this time in your life to explore and navigate the unknown! Appreciate the freedom you have to CHOOSE who you will spend time with and who you will not.

If you share these sentiments in any way, please read this article.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2070914/Stigmatised-single-Mor...

My favorite part:

"Professor Bella DePaolo points out: ‘We are far more than whom we are (or aren’t) married to: we are also mothers, daughters, sisters, aunt, friends, colleagues and so on.’ Single women do not lack for love. Our relationships, like our lives, are varied and fulfilling, neither compromised nor defined by coupledom. It’s time singlists saved their pity for those who deserve it."

Women have a depth that not all men can grasp. For this and many other reasons, I cherish my female relationships and thank each and every one of you - my beautiful sisters of strength - for being a part of my life. You are an incredible blessing I will never take for granted.

Lots of Love,
Lisa

December 28, 2011 - 3:39am
freaked
freaked's picture

Thank you Lisa

OMG....another Angel Message!!!! Lisa sweetheart, thank you for this Post...it's BINGO pertinent in my own life... I have just recovered my sanity...have just now closed the Emotional Door in my marriage even though I am still in the marriage purely for sustenance... yet...i too was looking for love...no idea where to go to find LOVE again... I think I will halt my quest for a while longer to savour the QUIET TIME after my rollercoaster emotional potboiler of the past 10 months. Thank you Lisa. Lovingly, affectionately, gratefully, (TRYING to stopping being so...)Freaked
December 28, 2011 - 10:52am (Reply to #11)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Freaked

Awww, your message makes my heart smile! Thanks, Freaked. You have come so far and I'm so happy with where you are at right now! You deserve to savor some quiet time with yourself after the emotional rollercoaster you've been through the past 10 months. Thank you for sharing and for your sweet message. Lots of Love, Lisa
December 24, 2011 - 11:49am
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's true

We all wear many hats!
December 23, 2011 - 7:55pm
fraidythecat
fraidythecat's picture

Not so sure

Maybe it's because the female role models in my life growing up were either married, happily as far as I could see; single and dating for marriage goals; or divorced and bitter - I'm not so comfortable in my status as single, with no prospects in sight and a pretty crappy track record over the past 20+ years. Even though I know many who ended up unhappy and divorced, it seems the role-models in my life of single women were very unhappy. Bitter, self abusive (drinking/smoking/obese), or otherwise not projecting an emotionally healthy person - is what I often saw. And I don't want that for myself as a future. I'm a people person - and a caretaker. I'm also of the mindset that life is better when shared - the good and the bad. Not that a bad relationship is better than none - not at all. But how many times I wished there was someone to share my ups and downs with, in person. To have someone to run and show this or that to. To share my day to day activities with. Maybe this is a huge gap in my emotional health. It's just the way I've always been wired. I'm recovering from co-dependence - learning to take care of myself first. But it doesn't take away my longing to feel loved and appreciated by someone special. Do some of us just not come wired that way - or is it a learned emotion, not to care so much one way or the other? This last N has pretty much taken away my libido due to the mind games he played. But I suppose in a way that isn't a bad thing cuz it makes it a bit less frustrating to be single. But I like the intellectual company of a man. I like the physical part, too. I have great girlfriends - but I miss being a couple with a man. I am busy, have my own businesses and friends whom I socialize with. But I still miss having that connection. Is that unhealthy? So I'm not sold on singledom. Not at this point anyway. I'm just going to have my guard up a lot higher and more finely tuned when the time comes that I'm interested in risking my heart again. In the meantime, I'm just trying to heal and get through a day at a time without crying or feeling hopeless. Not the way I want to spend any more time - much less a long time in getting over him. But I look forward to healing and getting back out there again and finding a suitable partner. Whether or not we get married, isn't the point - but I do want a monogamous and committed relationship. But it scares me half to death to think I'll not find one and end up like my mom/aunts/grandmothers.... There - I said it.
December 30, 2011 - 5:15am (Reply to #8)
susnebraska
susnebraska's picture

Single sucks - but Good 4 U!

Let's be honest here. Being alone without a loving significant other - sucks. It is not fulfilling. But neither is being with an abuser/user NARC, too. Five months free of the NARC is teaching me a lot. So, is going on dates with other men. Boy are there losers out there, especially on match.com. So, as time goes by, I see that I can be happy without a man now. While, I prefer to find one - when the time is right - I will. But I will take heed to the red flags. And, like I did on one date recently, when the guy, a bar owner, was rude, and went off to play pool with friends for a while, I whispered in his ear that "you're rude," and left my date. I went home. (another reason to drive your own car on a date). Sure men say I seem to have a wall up. Cause I do. With reason. Guys will say anything to get you in bed. No, I don't want any of that. I expect to be treated with respect. If they say, "I'm not gonna kiss your ass," and "I bet nobody has ever stood up to you and challenged you like I," speak up. Say "I appreciate your imput guy, but a gentleman is a gentleman, and you ain't one." And, "i'm not gonna waste my time!" Being alone can get lonely, so I recommend you keep your time occupied with friends and family. Try to re-gain that passion in your life, whether that is at work or doing an activity you love. Be kind to yourself. Being single sucks, yes. But it is the best way to truly heal.
December 24, 2011 - 12:43am (Reply to #5)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Thanks for being honest, FraidytheCat!

Kudos to you for being so honest! I'm sorry your female role models disappointed you. That has to be incredibly difficult and I commend you for being so strong through it all. I definitely agree with you that life is better when shared! I think it's wonderful when we have a life partner/companion to share things with and talk to about whatever is on our mind. Intellectual compatability is a fabulous thing. In fact, I presently happen to be so fortunate and am very grateful for this person in my life. The point of this blog isn't to say we should choose to be alone. That's not healthy. I'm simply saying that after being in a relationship with a demanding and critical narcissist, we deserve to put our energy into ourselves for a change. I see too many people, and I've been guilty of it in the past myself, rush into a new relationship hoping this new person will fill a void. This is not what you need right now. In fact, it's the last thing you need. After coming out of a relationship with a narcissist, what you need is to find yourself again. We lose ourselves in the narcissist. Finding ourselves should be of paramount importance after a relationship with a narcissist. I know it's hard to be alone during the holidays and I just wanted to point out that time with ourselves should be cherished just as much as time spent with a man or significant other. We owe it to ourselves to explore our feelings and get in touch with who we are and what we believe in. Once we do this, we will be in a better place to choose the right person for us. Until then, cherish your independence, my friend! xoxo
December 24, 2011 - 7:24am (Reply to #6)
fraidythecat
fraidythecat's picture

Fear

Thanks for the reply, Lisa. The linked story seemed more heavy on the choosing to be alone than your blog did, so it was more of a reply to that article, but I hear ya. I think it's the fear of ending up alone and lonely (like my role models growing up) that scares me and keeps me from wanting to be single. Because I've not seen anyone with my own eyes who is that way and happy. Even my current friends - most are either looking or with someone, or hate men. LOL But yes, I hear you on how important it is to figure out who we are and take care of ourselves. I'm working on that, for sure. I guess since my youth was spent taking care of others (my mom had left), it seems so foreign not to have anyone to take care of - other than me, and I'm pretty low maintenance - LOL. I'm trying to learn not to need to take care of someone else to feel "useful" or fulfilled. It's not like I don't have enough to do - I need to learn to not have to have so much to do and find something else to do to enjoy my life - and while I'm doing that, I suppose it's always possible someone else who is enjoying the same things will come along. Thank you for this site, Lisa. I wish your books and a basic course in personalities (disorders) was mandatory in all schools - it would spare so many of us from years of pain. And maybe, help some parents curb the disorder as it is developing in their kids - before the cycle continues. fc
December 28, 2011 - 10:49am (Reply to #7)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

FC

Thanks for your reply! I totally understand how you feel and the need to care for others is something innate in women, in my opinion, so we often have to remind ourselves to care for ourselves for a change. Yes, a basic course in personality disorders in school for our youth would be so helpful, wouldn't it. Perhaps a goal for the year ahead. Thanks again for your input and response. Happy Holidays!! Lots of Love, Lisa
December 23, 2011 - 6:13am
serenity1
serenity1's picture

I could not be happier, I love the single life

This is my 2nd year being away from my N, Going on my 3rd year, I could not be any happier living alone and being single, I never use to be that way, I was always codependent and had to always have a man in my life, I have went threw alot of pain threw these last couple of years with my healing, But I think it was something that needed to happen for me, I am now no longer codependent, I love living alone, I love the fact that I just have to worry about what I want to watch on the television, What I want to eat for dinner, My money is all mine, The list is endless, I have had people say you need a man, Or I can fix you up with someone, I dont want that and people dont understand that, When the day comes, If it comes I will start dating, But if it never comes I am perfectly happy with that also, I love not being in a relationship and worrying about what my mate might be doing behind my back, Maybe cheating, Trying to use me, I hear my friends going threw all of this, And I say to myself I am so glad I am not there any more, Thank you Lisa for this article, I loved it, Ladies it is not so bad being single and alone, You might be scared of it at first, But it gets better and then you will start likeing your freedom, Get a notebook and journal all the things you are gaining from being single, You will see the your not losing your only gaining, If I of all people can do it, I know you can
December 23, 2011 - 11:52am (Reply to #3)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Yes, ladies!!!!

Hope - you are so right - women waste so much time trying to get a man when it could be way better spent on the wonderful relationships they already have in life - family and children. I'm so glad you started writing, NarcEncounter! It helps so much, doesn't it? Serenity - I'm so glad you're finding such happiness in your freedom and independence. It is a wonderful feeling, isn't it? Thank you for sharing your experience!!!! Lots of Love, Lisa
December 22, 2011 - 5:16pm
A Narc Encounter
A Narc Encounter's picture

Thanks Lisa for Having a Support Site

I was super scared to actually start writing. My writing was admitting publically how bad it was, and more importantly that is is "over." Stuff we would gloss over if several other women in the same situation were not looking. And that remote hope they could actually return gloriously in the next sun set would evaporate when I started typing. But I started typing thsi am and feel so much better. I do need to read your follow up book hope it is on Kindle. I read "Its All About Him" before he started gas lighting, but man was I prepared when he did! And as I wrote in my story-he did, and I was ready.
December 22, 2011 - 10:13pm (Reply to #1)
Hope
Hope's picture

Thanks Lisa....

This is great....nice article. I see many of my friends running around, looking for a man, going out every chance they get, auditioning for the part of girlfriend, and I think to myself what a waste of time, time that would be better spent on their kids or themselves. Everyone has to learn themselves however. I've been single for 20 years after a ten year marriage and I'm very happy. I wouldn't mind settling down some day, but if it doesn't happen then it doesn't happen and I won't be any less happy.