Getting Some of This Out; STEP TWO, GET IT OUT


How sick do you have to be to lie to somebody in order to win their heart, their everything, and then get off on letting them fall as hard as they can. To not be kidding, but seriously be this person. not a joke. To watch their confusion, fuel it, and then ignore their pleas for clarity. To rage at their attempts at clarity. To try everything to get them back, while pretty much with someone else, just to play her off the other one. And then when she tries to put two and two together, is confused and desperately tries to confront it, to tell her she's losing her grip...and after a while, to neither rage nor directly imply that she's crazy, but to tell her she needs help. And advise her that she should find a nice guy and move on.

How sick do you have to be to never hurt at the pain you've caused them. To apologize for it and do the same thing again. To apologize in Order to have the opportunity to do it again. To court in order to more deeply screw them over, and of course punish them with greater callous cruelty, for the times they tried to protect themselves by staying away from you. Teach them a lesson, because you'll have ample opportunity when they're vulnerable again, to be nonchalantly vindictive. To make them think it's all the same, that she's done to u the same things you've done to or are now doing to her...

To make her believe that things are her fault. I still can't believe what a good job he did in making me constantly doubt myself, constantly focus on the last thing he said, did or implied, and just obsess about it. I can't believe how he spun things and really made me believe his bs. I truly did. Despite facts and what's been obvious to others, I've still said how "honest" and "humble" and "normal" and "real" he was, and how we just had a connection. It's obviously this 'connection' that I internalized that has me fighting back tears when certain songs come on the radio.

But to know it meant nothing to him? To know it was part of a sick plan? I can't believe he put the energy and time in to just screw me over. I did so much of his job for him. When he wasn't there, I constantly analyzed and continued his work for him...doubting myself, focusing on him, and continuing the madness. How sick is it to specialize in so subtly breaking someone subtly that they have to remember (oh they FEEL it, the scars, but they have to actually try to Remember factually...) "what is it that he did to me that was so bad again??"...

It's sick to think he was always and only trying to break me down. I still can't wrap my brain around it. That it wasn't primarily about love, with some manipulation. But that it's only purpose was to destroy. with lies, lies, falsehoods, and more lies. Lies that I built my feelings on, my false sense of reality on, and that he tailor-made for me. It makes me so Angry. It was like a playground for him, my feelings, when to me they were REAL. I still can't understand how someone can't hurt when knowing you so intimately, knowing how important they are to you, and hurting and mentally tormenting you in the precise ways that will bring you down. And then to look at them, to calculate that they're useless to you at the moment, and just add more craziness so that they have no choice but to leave. And to just proceed with your 'new life.'

And to tell them it just didn't work out. When all along you've charmed and then pushed away, made them think they're your life but made them believe it's cuz of something they're doing wrong or lacking that it didn't work...and tried to get them back, every time they leave, just cuz the torment ends only when YOU say it does. a hole. Seriously, I don't even know if I want to Understand why. It hurts my mind and heart when I try to conceptualize the 'how' of someone doing that to someone else. I try to think that heartlessly just to understand it, and it feels too awful to even continue trying to 'get it', because it's so far removed from anything that makes sense to me. I used to suffer because things weren't 'right' and they felt wrong and cuz HE was doing this, or saying that. I thought the problem was that he BELIEVED these things he was saying, and I would try to work through his worldview and view of our relationship.

Now, to know that the things he was saying were just a function of how to best manipulate me...I hate him for using me against myself. a subtle, emotionally relentless predator. You can't be human and do this at the same time.

Feb 24 - 5AM
aurora's picture

Spot on

Feb 9 - 7AM
SundaySmile's picture

Apple Up

Goldie I read in an article about Ns - cannot recall where. The reference was to an apple falling up. Normally an apple falls down from a tree. With an N, it falls UP. It's disarming. Makes no sense. And while you watch it fall up he looks at you as though YOU have lost your mind explaining the basic concepts of manners, respect and NORMAL treatment of a loved one. He may say he recognizes he did something wrong according to your take on it. Does not equal and apology or road to change. Or he may shrug your concerns off. And intensify and invalidate you - furthermore by saying his actions were not malicious. Still no apology or soothing. Even if you cry. Apple falls up. We don't feel comfortable in that world nor should we. Leave the wormy apples alone to their game. Apples may fall UP on the moon, but I live on gravity down earth where they should fall to the ground.
Dec 16 - 3PM
rosedewittbukater's picture

No choice but to leave

That is how I felt, how I still feel. Once again Goldie you are so on the mark. I sometimes feel as if you are speaking directly to me! Everything you are describing I can so easily relate to. Thank you for sharing, for validating. xx, Rose
Dec 15 - 11AM
Monica's picture

"You were moving way too fast for me"

We had known each other in varying capacities for 7 years. We were close professionally and then personally for 3 years. HE sought me out. HE was the first to say I was "stealing his heart" and he was falling in love with me and, then, that he loved me. HE was the one to say, "I want to retire with you." He was the one who wanted to know my kids, my family, my friends...but kept me from his. Then it turned to "I don't know what I want" and "You were moving way too fast for me." He initiated all the talk of love and being together and living together and retiring together then accused ME of moving too fast for him. "To make her believe that things are her fault. I still can't believe what a good job he did in making me constantly doubt myself, constantly focus on the last thing he said, did or implied, and just obsess about it. I can't believe how he spun things and really made me believe his bs." Saying that they are "sick" is an understatement. They are evil. Period.
Dec 18 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
faith_'s picture

Monica, what you describe

Monica, what you describe reminds me of my own experience, of him building it up, then slowly inch by inch retreating, but not like a normal person who is retreating, but rather adding to your confusion with every step backwards that he takes. Little comments that would come out of nowhere, like he'd say around the beginning, in self-tormented way "I don't want to hurt you". This would make me want to understand Why he's saying this and Why he thinks he's gonna hurt me. I didn't know what to make of it.. It's like this elusive thing you can't touch. You don't even know what it is you're trying to figure out half the time. That's cuz it keeps changing. He'd make me feel like I'm not enough, or that I'm too much and expect too much. Crazymaking.
Dec 20 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Time to heal
Time to heal's picture

Monica and Faith

I feel as though I just read my own experience in your comments. My ex-narc/sociopath used to tell me that he didn't want to hurt me but he didn't want to lose me. (If that didn't say it all) But I was so blinded by my imapassioned love for him. I was so sure that I was everything to him. He then turned around and said that I was too controlling and made me feel as though I was rushing into everything. I wasn't the one who initiated anything. He chased after me for years and would profess his love for me. I was convinced I was the love of his life. When all was said and done, it turns out I was just used for sex to bolster his alpha male image to his buddies. He NEVER saw me as the girl he would spend the rest of his life with. I think what still gets me is the fact that it was all a lie. I was just an image maker for him, NOTHING ELSE. And when he realized that I wasn't useful in that capacity anymore, he un-cerimoniously disgarded me without the slightest of remorse. When I confronted him about all of the horrible ways he treated me, his reply was, "Then why do you still love me?" Like it was all my fault that I loved him. I have since learned that I was "Trauma Bonded" to him. That I was also experiecing Cognitive Dissonance and also suffering from CPTSD from his emotional abuse. Didn't figure any of this out until 15 years after my experience with him. That is a long time to believe that I caused all of the problems and that I wasn't good enough or smart enough to be his. I am so glad that I now know for sure what he is, A NARCISSIST and possibly a sociopath. So Sad.
Dec 16 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Goldie's picture

They want to build you up; to take you down

This is a severe sickness in them and they actually get off on the high of building you up and then watching you fall right before their eyes. We as women have to collectively put a stop to this. NO NO NO NO You may not steal my goodness and my heart and watch me suffer; you deplorable selfish, using, lying, cheating freak. I am better than this and I will say NO NO NO to your abuse. It ends when we end it. God bless, Goldie
Dec 16 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
rosedewittbukater's picture

I want to retire with you

...yes I heard those words as well, and I have to keep telling myself - that, they were just that. Just WORDS. Their actions do not match their words! I read somewhere it's called "carrot dangling" or "future faking". I think it may have been the Auntie Alex (Nouri)site. Anyway, Monica, I understand where you are coming from with this. I heard the same things, and then was told "I overstepped too early" or "I moved too fast" (xN not me) It's like kicking someone in the stomach and then saying "whoops"
Dec 15 - 9AM
Goldie's picture

Getting it out; STEP TWO

This is a wonderful example of working, step two and getting it out. Depression is anger turned inward and getting it out helps with the depression and obsessive thoughts. When you are in your feelings the head shuts down for that time and when you are afraid of and avoiding your feelings the head is working overtime with obsessive intrustive thoughts. Journal, write it out on here, work with a one on one coach, a therapist, a support group, just GET IT OUT so that you will be able to move on to a better way of life. God bless, Goldie
Dec 18 - 12AM (Reply to #1)
bgirl's picture

This sound all too familiar.

This sound all too familiar. It is haunting...... Firstly he tells me I will regret this for the rest of my life if I lose you. Then tells me we have to be together, he is taking steps to instigate this....I need to too. So I do. My family know I want to be with this ma. My children are told that I love him more than their daddy...gut wrenching stuff, but for me the truth was never not going to be an option. He drives to meet me....half way...I pay. He calls me on the way....let's have brekky together at a cafe. Me, I say no I won't do that...we need to talk, privately, in depth...make plans. I need clarification of what he has told his family. He arrives...I can feel his disapproval. I ask what's wrong? He makes love to me (aggressively) IMMEDIATELY afterwards he says I think I'll go changed everything not having brekky with me this morning! ??????? THEN he says I thought I loved you. THEN he says maybe it's just the great that's a compliment????????? WTH? THEN he says maybe we should spend some more time together as a couple. THEN he leaves and msgs me and says we shouldn't tlk for a bit. By this time I am a wreck....tell my husband...he says that's it, I'm ringing his wife. He does....she laughs manically, doesn't believe him says I'm prob lying. N rings me says he just said we kissed nothing more...he's going home....see I told u she would stop us from being together, stop him from seeing his kids because she is so unstable. I believe this momentarily. My husband says...that is BS. N sends me a msg (he is back home by this stage) 'don't ever question what we had or have B....I will NEVER question it...' I was a mess. Inconsolable....lost the love of my love and now my family too. Suicidal Go to seek help from professionals....don't want to believe he is calculating...maybe misunderstood? Counsellor sets up a scenario....the wife receives anonymous msg. N contacts me and says I have no idea how he is feeling and what he is putting up with at home because of me....says he had to win back his kids. Who 'wins' a pair of kids anyways? I heard the venom in his voice...killed me inside. Then his my threatens me, abuses me...calls me the words I would expect because not capable of anything of a higher level thinking. (his doing not hers btw) I realize then. Hits me like a freight train. He watched me: Pour my heart out.... Cry rivers Devastate my children Hurt my husband beyond belief and with no intention of honoring his words/intent with me Walk away from my home, job and very nearly cost my kids their elite sport dream which they earned with thousands of hours of training and travelling.... He watched this... He let it go on and on and on... And walked away with a mere scratch. Nothing has changed for him. I too, ask myself everyday.....who does that? Who would do such a thing? Does he know? Who would DO that???? Deva