Thanks for sharing this ZZcem. Excellent read.
The truth will set us free and the truth for us lie's within us; not them. Once you stop looking towards them for the answer and go within for the solution's, recovery and healing begin to flow more rapidly. This is an inside job.
One of the best articles I've read on the part WE play in keeping the myth alive for the narc and allowing him to continue to sling his abuse. Read this and look at YOUR part in all of this and take the "blinders" off your eyes, and get out. Also this article shows the severe damage, manipulation, and mindset of the narc as he is sucking you in and sucking you dry. There is no hope or cure for the Narcissist to suddenly have a change of heart and begin to meet your needs. Isn't going to happen. Not in this lifetime. They don't have it to give; they are damaged goods. Their cup is not full, you are going to a drywell looking for water. The well is dry and the sooner we get this; the sooner we get them out and begin to heal.
My narc said those very words: "I am damaged goods, I do not have the ability to love you like your fantacy love. I have not been that way in years and I will never be that way," and he was only 30 years old. Geeze, and I simply was incapable at the time of comprehending emotionally just what he was saying. He was bacially giving me the headsup and I STILL did not want to hear it or believe it.
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou
Sam is trying to tell us who and what he and they are, and who they target.
In response to those who don't like to hear it from the horse's mouth:
No one knows or understand a Narc like a Narc and the truth of the matter is that a highly intelligent narc is going to be able to explain their mind games and manipulation better than anyone else (one who you are not personally involved with that is). They can tell you what a con looks for and what they are afraid of and avoid. He knows what the disorder consists of from an inside view.
This should be valuable information for the parnters of narcs to learn in order to avoid these potential pitfalls in the future.
"What in me attracted the narc in the first place?" What was the "in"? Where were the chinks which not only allowed the narc to gain control, but also allowed the partner to remain in a unhealthy dangereous relationship?
"Understanding it" is esential to recovery and working through the cognative dissonance. I don't know of many who have been able to recover, move on, heal, and avoid relationships with narcs in the future who have not fully grasped what just hit them. Many who gloss over or deny their own part in all of this continue to engage in unhealthy relationships moving forward.
The key lie's in looking at what in us allowed this to continue. Obviously it is not our fault that we initially were sucked in by a manipulator, yet is IS our responsibility if we continue to accept abuse once we realize that our lives are being destroyed. This is not easy work to do and many avoid it like the plague by continuing to live in denial and obsess with magical fantacy thinking about the Narc and how they can fix and cure him and he is not really that bad. Or they become paralyzed and beat down. Unable to make any sense of it and become resolved to dance the dance regardless to getting few if any of their needs met.
What Sam Vaknin is attempting to show in this article, is that there is a way out and that this has nothing to do with your efforts; the narc is not wired right and no attempts by you are going to change this. The answer lie's in your inability to see the truth of the situation and he is illustrating this actually quite well in this article.
Wake up, get real with yourself about what is up, heal yourself, and see the narc for who and what he is: an underdevoped, fearful, self aborbed, shell of a man who intentionally keeps you down in order to gain supply for his addiction and your addiction is to stay and allow it.
I have known narcs who were able and willing to articulate their manipulation and it is chilling to hear and realize that they know exactly what they are doing and trying to obtain every step of the way. They look for the unsuspecting, the one's who will keep their dirty little secrets. The one's who will go back for a few more rounds.
As the article says, there are many out there who tell these leeches where to get off the FIRST time they sling their abuse. They don't give them a second chance to create havoc in their lives. So as difficult as it is for many to accept, we do have a role in creating our own destiny's. This helps me to learn how to spot a narc, get out early, and do the work on myself and my needy codependent components which allowed this insanity in my life in the first place.