The Denial System of the Codependent and the Narc

Submitted by Goldie on Oct 4 - 10AM

The Narc comes back when supply is low and he needs or wants something.

Tells you new lies. What he thinks you want to hear

He has to, otherwise you will not listen.

He promises to try harder. Never to hurt you like that again.

He can't live without you and will make the necessary changes, after all, you were no prize either is what he hopes you will believe (it takes two mentality). He has changed and will be better and different.

He hopes your time apart has taught you some lessons regarding how to better behave.

He suggests to you, not talk to quite so much about the relationship. After all.....

He's back

He loves you.

Now. Let it be.

He's back. Be happy.

Narc speak:

I'm back!!

As though time has stood still.

NS see's through me and I am recycling old supply, still stuck on me.

I need a break and want to triangulate my OS with NS.

That ought go keep HER in line.

Lets see if we can go a few more rounds

I know you like a book and know exactly how to push your buttons.

Self actualized person who has moved on and learned to value self:

Narc is back to hoover.

I am stronger, wise to his game and have learned to love myself. I will not consider going back to this sick disordered person.

My dance in hell is OVER!!!!!

I have myself back. I know who I am and where I am going.

I will not take this bait.

Remains NC

Person still in the throe's of denial, wishful/fantasy thinking, codependency, and addiction:

"Oh goody, Narc has come back because he still wants me (loves me) and he said he like's my new pic on Facebook ."

I am high, ecstatic, my prayers have been answered. My drug wants me back. My fix.

He is not the same as, the other narc's.

My narc is:

Different.

Better.

Really loves me.

Needs me.

He has changed.

I will make him love me this time.

Now I am in control. I get it.

I understand him.

I have read everything on narcissism.

I will beat the narcissist at his own game.

I feel better about myself.

Things will be great.

OMG he still wants me, I am so excited. Everything will be back to "normal"

As it should be. We belong together.

We are soul-mates.

We understand each other.......

Back in la la land. Brigadoon where all is happy and all ends well.

Wait a minute.....

I just got a bad bad feeling. Instinct.

Oh no, I hope I did not blow it by bitching about "my feelings" and he won't contact me again.

PANIC....sets in.

He did not call back.

Why not?

What's wrong?
OMG what can I do to get him to want me again?

I won't say anything to piss him off.

I will play it smooth.

Keep my cool.

Panic escalates.....

Should I call?

Should I text?

Should I ignore him?

Oh no. Please God. Please don't tell me he is doing it again.

How could I be so stupid.

I am angry afraid sick to my stomach.

My head is spinning.

I can't think straight.

What is going on?

I need to know.

I feel weak again.

Helpless.

Please text me.

Please call me.

Just one more time.....

And the beat goes on.

Wash rinse repeat.

Are you ready to get off the merry go round?

I am here to support you and help you to sort out your feelings.

Denial is a powerful smokescreen and may cause us to set ourselves up for more pain.

Often cause us to relapse.

A few months NC few months can go by and some "forget" how bad it was, when that Hoover text arrives.

The addict "forgets" how low the drugs allowed them to sink.

Into the depths of hopelessness and despair.

There is hope and freedom from this despair and bondage.

God bless,
Goldie
Together in Recovery

Schedule a one on one with Goldie:

http://www.lisaescott.com/blog/goldie

[email protected]

#1 Dec 20 - 11PM

BlindNoMore

Goldie, how sad but true.

#2 Dec 20 - 7PM

Goldie

When we live in denial ; all aspects of us are affected

#3 Dec 20 - 4AM

melanie-j

Denial is killer isn't it? I

#4 Oct 30 - 5AM

Gaia

I feel pathetic

His first D&D was for 9 months(just after only dating 5 months),and he already had new supply waiting for him, I cried my soul out for 9 months, didnt hear a word from him, I blew up his phone constant. He told everyone I was a stalker. One summer day, my sis happen to tell me she saw him working in his shop (he was a body piercer) , and I flew over there, and made an excuse to see him, asked him to remove a piece of jewelry from my ear, he removed it, was very nervous and quiet, then BAM! HE got up and kissed me, no ordinary kiss,It was the most beautiful story book romantic kiss of passionate love EVER, I felt like a million bucks, needless to say, he came back in my life and ditched the poor girl he was using for 9 months, like she was yesterdays trash ( I still feel sorry for her) he made up lies that she was over him..and he was secretly longing for me, although he NEVER made contact with me as I was stalking his phone for 9 months. And then we were back together , in blissful honeymoon phase..for 7 more years of HELL , TORMENT, LIES, PAIN! Why the hell didnt i just stay away. LESSON LEARNED ladies, PLEASE STAY AWAY!! It never changes, it never gets better, its a cycle its hell and in the end, you will want to kick your own ass. Thank you Goldie for the insight and letting me vent! XXOO SG

#5 Oct 21 - 11AM

ericamichelle

WOW...

this is EXACTLY how i felt when he came back to me in june! I knew he had been seeing another girl and i felt terrible and ugly and not wanted (And i was pregnant with HIS child). So when our daughter was born and he said he always loved me and that she meant nothing to him, he was just using her to get over me, I believed him. I still maybe do? He dropped all contact with her, afterall. He stopped returning her phone calls and text messages so he MUST want to be with me right? He told me as soon as the door opened for us, he walked back through it, even though I had hurt him. so he must really love me??! but in my heart, i will never forgive him. he was able to sleep with another woman so quickly while i walked around, depressed and alone, and this painful reminder hanging off of my body like punishment. and now i'm obsessed with HER. i look at her pics on the computer and wonder why he wanted her. i wonder if he's still talking to her. i wonder if he's thinking about her and regretting his decision to be back with me. i can't believe how true this is...i can't believe how sick it is either.

#6 Oct 7 - 12AM

strivingforhealing (not verified)

Thank you Goldie. I needed this too!

I am away for a much needed vacation in a quiet mountain town with my dog....and he calls. And my serenity is broken for a day. Some obsession and questioning transpired... But I stuck close to this forum on my IPhone! And reading your post- just brought all my clarity back. I will not call back. I will not go back. I am done with this crazy sick chapter. I am committed to my healing and know the Truth fully in heart, mind and soul. I have cried a million tears for this relationship and now- I feel more than ever- I am done. I love this board- you have given me the strength when my addict mind was wavering . Thank you all so much.

#7 Oct 7 - 1AM (Reply to #32)

ifinallygotit

He will try again

They like it when you don't respond and make the chase more interesting. He will try another method to see what works to get your attention.

#8 Oct 6 - 4PM

Tigerlily

First Rate Post, Goldie!

Dunno where I am right now. After weeks of not allowing myself to think about him - redirecting my thoughts whenever they were running that way - and after one evening where I realized for the first time that I was grieving (weeping from the heart over what I had lost), the last couple of days I find myself thinking of him often. I remember how lovely he was when we first got together, and think, Yep, he was one helluva good actor, and then I remember other times where his callous self-centeredness took the air out of my lungs, and think, Yep, he was one helluvan asshole, and it doesn`t feel as if there`s a difference - I am simply passing revue, objectively it would seem. It is over. He was not for me. Thanx for everything. Love, Tigerlily

#9 Oct 6 - 2PM

Totally Stunned

Hot Holy Hell Goldie

I swear, you must be living in my head. This....is exactly what I have said to myself, I cannot believe how dead on accurate you are here: "Oh goody, Narc has come back because he still wants me and he said he like's my pic. I am on such a high right now because my drug is still interested. Maybe he is not so bad as all the other narc's. Maybe he has changed and I can get the love from him that I never got before because now I am in control. I feel so much better about myself. Things will be so much better now. OMG he wants me, I am so excited, I can barely contain myself. Oh no, I hope I did not blow it by being uncivil and a bitch and he won't contact me again. PANIC, OMG what can I do to get him to want me again. Should I call, should I text? Should I ignore him?" From thinking to myself, Yes....he still wants me! I feel so much better about myself....I hope I do not blow this, what can I do to get him to want me!" I wanted him to want me so much. I literally spent my days thinking, what should I do to get him to want me? Send him some sexy texts? The list goes on and on. Seriously Goldie - when I read this I almost droopped to the floor. I could not believe how you GOT this! And now? Now I am starting to accept finally that if YOU and OTHERS have been through this...then my D&D is not my fault, it wasn't me after all - and I can finally accept the man to be an assclown and move on. I believe the anger stage is on the horizon. Love you huge Goldie!!!!

#10 Oct 6 - 2PM (Reply to #29)

Goldie

A big Woohoo to you Totally Stunned

This is huge growth and progress for you. Yes, the anger stage has it's good and bad points. It can feel like there is a tiger or bear living inside of you which can feel strange if you are not used to that feeling. After awhile it is also very empowering. Also it can be kind of fun plotting their demise. After that you don't give a rat's ass what they are up to, that is the best stage of all. God bless, Goldie

#11 Oct 5 - 10PM

foreverfun1

god you're so on target I

god you're so on target I feel like you're reading my mind or looking in my window! thanks for always caring and understanding

#12 Oct 6 - 8AM (Reply to #27)

Goldie

This is the beauty of the forum

We have all been there. Thanks foreverfun. God bless, Goldie

#13 Oct 5 - 8PM

gettinbetter

YUP!! I wanted him to come

YUP!! I wanted him to come back so I could control him. In a weird way it was like we were always fighting for control of each other. No doubt that Co dependents have control issues and I have some big time control issues. I wanted him to come back so I could control him an say gotcha sucka! Only it never works out that way. I always lost but like a true addict wanted another chance to play the game so I could win big.

#14 Oct 7 - 1AM (Reply to #24)

ifinallygotit

He came back

acted loving and mind fucked me all over again then went silent after he left. I was not "goody goody" he is back, I was freaked. I ignored an email, a text and then got a surprise call (I had no idea he was in town and thought it was my friend calling to walk a dog). I took a few days to decide whether to meet him - I was doing ok and thought I wAS healed and strong enough - after all we were adults who cared about each other and had no closure - of course we would want to see each other and talk about what happened, WRONG - learn from me and please do not do it - I am quite depressed after the second abandonment...its been almost 3 months since the "dinner". I had no idea I was so weak. I guess it is a crazy addiction because in reality, I really think he is a low life and I am definitely worth more than this. I googled the bar bimbo he showed off last Dec and she is a Narc body builder with fake everything!I have no idea why I was his only longterm GF. He has abandoned many others but more quickly - does that mean I was sicker and more codependent? He abandoned one after he wrecked and abandoned her car 10 hours away and the other (I know there are many more) about he abandoned after she got pregnant by him. He abandoned me after he took a job elsewhere after a 12 yr friendship, 10 as lovers, with no discussion. And I wanted to give him a chance to explain his behavior? crazy!!! this is so hard to accept and get through but I know I will as I am not crazy and do not want a life of dysfunction....

#15 Oct 21 - 9PM (Reply to #25)

Monica

We should never believe we are healed enough to handle contact

I am totally NC almost 2 months now. He got through to me at work and started calling me there even when I told him not to. I can't block him from my work phone. So the last time I reported him to the Supervisor (first step before HR - and he has ties to my company so that would have seriously hurt his career). Then I got caller ID. I warned him never to call there again and he got the point. I have a lot of credibility with my company from the very top down. He messed with the wrong person! But during our history I had walked away and then let him back in many times, thinking I could "handle" it and be an adult and just be friendly and talk. He sucked me in every time, until I said no more. And meant it. But I also know....I will NEVER be strong enough to handle contact ever again, not in even 10 or 20 years. When I was trying to get rid of him the last time, he said, "Oh, we will see each other again because we run in the same circles." Well, we don't and I closed any loopholes by staying away from anyplace he could be. I will do that forever. I will never "test" my healing or my strength! One of the last things I told him was that I could never see him again because I was so angry with him that I may hurt him. I mean, really hurt him. I could destroy him. He knows it. So I just make sure I never have contact with him again, keep my blocks on and look at every call at work on the caller ID. Funny...I know that if I see his number I can ignore it. The problem was picking up the phone, not knowing it was him, hearing his voice and being "charmed" and manipulated and conned back in. That was the real danger for me, and will be...forever.

#16 Oct 6 - 9AM (Reply to #23)

Goldie

This is the crux of the dysfunction, Gettinbetter

The unhealthy merry go round of denial and addiction to each other. They are addicted to supply and we are addicted to obtaining the love which they cannot give. Once you begin to heal and "clear up," it begins to make sense that the entire cycle is futile and there are no winner's in a relationship with a PD and a codependent. God bless, Goldie

#17 Oct 6 - 9AM (Reply to #20)

Used

gettingbetter

yes...i agree with you...someone said to me ,YOU WILL NEVER OWN HIM...I SAID AND HE WILL NEVER OWN ME....WE WANTED TO OWN EACH OTHER....SICK OR WHAT...

#18 Oct 6 - 9AM (Reply to #21)

Goldie

Great point, Used

The truth of the matter is that we will never own anyone. We can only fix and look at ourselves. When there is a deep hole inside or strong sense of lonliness it is only natural to initially think that this can be filled by another person. The true growth and healing comes when we begin to stop looking outside of ourselves for the fix. God bless, Goldie

#19 Oct 6 - 7PM (Reply to #22)

narcsurvivor

This is the scariest part of

This is the scariest part of my recovery right now. When I block his texts for a month or so, I still get that panicky feeling because I haven't replaced him with anything healthier so I feel a huge void. Then, of course, I get "punished" and ignored in return for blocking him - after a few days though, he can't help but start texting me again. We're not even together anymore but we might as well be. Utter dysfunction.

#20 Oct 5 - 7PM

Crazy Train

Thank you Goldie. I needed

Thank you Goldie. I needed to hear this today. You are very insightful and I find your posts very encouraging. I appreciate the sharing that you do because I am learning a lot and moving forward.

#21 Oct 6 - 9AM (Reply to #18)

Goldie

This is wonderful news, Crazy Train

Moving forward is the only place we have to go after the wreckage and damage done by the relationship with the PD. Once we see the light we pick ourselves up, dust off, and move forward and upwards away from the PD. Good job, keep up the good work, you are worth it!!! God bless, Goldie

#22 Oct 5 - 10AM

agent995

i get this

denial is what my therapist says to me everytime i bring him up. its true and its hard to deal with but it was good and then it wasn't and then it was (for a min) and then it wasn't. i was blinded by the superficial maybe because i don't knwo what to do with love. but this was just a bad turn for me.

#23 Oct 6 - 9AM (Reply to #16)

Goldie

Exactly!!!

This is how they suck us in, with the high's and lows. The push/pull and we keep going back looking for that initial high, which no longer exists. Good insights agent, this is the beginning of recovery, to see that the well is dry and there is nothing left there to drink. God bless, Goldie

#24 Oct 4 - 6PM

sadderbutwiser

thanks goldie

i can't believe the timing of this blog! i have been having cognitive dissonance since seeing him a couple of times this week. when i just read this i couldn't believe it. it is EXACTLY what i needed to hear. it is so true. man this is all so exhausting! thank you so much for bringing me back to reality! he is a sick freak and i know it! thanks for the reminder!

#25 Oct 6 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

Goldie

The pull back to them can be so strong and powerful

Constant reminders are needed to "remember" how bad it was. The mind can play tricks on us to get us back to our drug. The best solution is to stay close to the board where we get daily reminders as to what they are, how bad it was, and that they do not change, it does not get better. God bless, Goldie

#26 Dec 20 - 6AM (Reply to #14)

BlindNoMore

Goldie

#27 Oct 4 - 5PM

spinning

Goldie, as always,

you nailed it! This is the unvarnished truth. It is my hope that everyone will read and consider this. It will help many people. You rock! Thank you for this!! Sincerely, (not) spinning AND NOT IN DENIAL EITHER!!!

spinning

#28 Oct 6 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

Goldie

Thanks Spinning

Good news, no more denial for Spinning, Yippee!!! God bless, Goldie

#29 Oct 4 - 10AM

heritage

goldie

Thanks Goldie, These are the knid of posts that are so benefiting to me. When I go back to the horrendous treatment I am shocked that I put up with it. If I focus on good in beginning it makes me sad, start to miss him and wonder who he really is. Bottom line... I prefer the truth, the reality anf this speaks the truth!

#30 Oct 4 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

Goldie

The truth will set you FREE

Our truth; not their truth is what we want to remain true to and NC assure's us that they do NOT get another opportunity to "screw" with our truth. God bless, Goldie

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