Why the Narcissist Cannot Accept Our Love

I just received the following message from Nemesis and with her permission, am sharing it with all of you as I feel it is very profound and should help many of us better understand why the narcissist simply cannot accept our love.

"It's really complicated - I had to do loads of reading about it before I could even begin to understand it and make it sink in. But from what I've read, I understand that they really can't handle someone loving them.

They never experienced unconditional love when they were children and it damaged them. They learnt that their parents were only interested in their acheivements and not in them as human beings. The child learns to win their parent's approval by creating and sustaining the image of success, but they know deep down that they are not loved for their true selves. The child knows that it is their false self (their image) that wins the admiration and approval of their parents (who use the child's success to boost their own image) and over time this damages the child's self-esteem irrepairably. As the child grows older their emotional development is severely impaired by this abnormal setting where being admired and adored (by their parents) has become more important to them than being loved. This abnormal development then continues at school where being envied and/or feared (by their peers) is preferable to genuine friendship. This also is often fueled by the parents who push the child to be competitve by witholding approval unless the child can "beat" others.

As adults, they continue to present their false self (the image) to others as their sub-conscious mind maintains that their true self is completely unlovable. Consequently, they now perceive the people who really do love them (us) as weak and stupid. They don't want our love - they want our admiration, adoration, envy and ultimately, our fear - a sign of the greatest power and success of all in their eyes. Just as when they were a child, they still have the compulsion to "beat" others.

We (the victims) often ask ourselves why they reject our love if genuine love is what they have always craved. It doesn't make any sense to us.

But the reality is that we loved him for who we thought he was. Exactly, for who we "THOUGHT" he was. We didn't really love HIM (his true self). We loved the image that he presented to us. Of course we weren't to know this at the time, nor did we have any control over it, this situation was completely of his own making, not ours. We were never given the opportunity to get to know his "true self" (now a broken and useless entity due to being pushed aside and therefore never having developed into anything). The narcissist would not risk introducing us to his "true self" for fear of immediate rejection. He was fully aware that, as with his parents, he was not loved by us for who he truly was but for the fake image that he presented to us.

Our d & d started when the "mask" began to come off. When this happened we (the victims) did not like what we saw underneath and began to challenge and therefore reject it. And there we have it! The narcissist receives confirmation, once again, of his worst fear. That without his "mask" (his fake image), he truly is UNLOVABLE." ~ Nemesis

Thank you for sharing your incredible insight and wisdom with us, Nemesis! Knolwedge is power and understanding it is half the battle, in my opinion. Once we "understand it" and realize it is not our fault, we are on the path forward to recovery.

Lots of Love,
Lisa

Oct 15 - 10AM
MyTurnToBe Free
MyTurnToBe Free's picture

Past Confusion

Nov 2 - 4PM
jellybean
jellybean's picture

I see it

I don't know if I'm a Narc or not. I never thought so. I have a large handful of friends that I have had for many years, but my daughter carries all the traits of a Narc. I divorced her father when she was very young and he is no doubt a Narc., but he was never interested in parenting after we divorced and made that very clear. I kind of see that I wanted her to look good for me in some ways. Does that make me a Narc.?
Nov 4 - 7PM (Reply to #15)
repressed memory
repressed memory's picture

I wouldn't worry

The doting N mother wants their children to ACHIEVE. BE THE BEST. They will even supress love if they don't deliver. Since she lives vicariously through her children, its their achievements that give the mother her worth, such as academics, sports, beauty, title holding, celebrity, anything in the spotlight, etc. On the other hand, a mother who just cares wether their children are kind, considerate, empathetic, puts others first when appropriate, respects others and authority, and many of the other things that Ns ARE NOT, she is a mother DOING HER JOB like she is suppose to do! THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.
Jul 21 - 6AM
blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise's picture

Thank You Lisa and Nemesis!

This is just such an awesome piece of information. Thank you both so much. Lisa, I love how you said that "Knowledge is power and understanding it is half the battle". I couldn't agree with you more! Knowing the truth is empowering. I think we all need to educate ourselves and keep learning about this disorder. I know sometimes as I'm moving forward in my new life that I forget what I've learned and need to come back and re-educated myself. Not only does it make me understand that it is not my fault, but it makes me so grateful that the narc is gone. I am a firm believer that in order to live a good life, you need to keep out any toxic poisen. That's truly what a narc is.
Jul 14 - 9AM
BAW
BAW's picture

This was awesome and so so

This was awesome and so so true - thank you for sharing!
Jul 13 - 3PM
jen79
jen79's picture

nemesis

thanks for sharing. What a wonderful insight. And so true, every word of it!
Jul 11 - 11AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

such a wonderul obervation, Nemesis

when I asked the narc that your love was conditional, he looked at me defensively and he' said what do you know about love?' far more than I ever knew at the time, I knew something was OFF with him for so many years but never knew what was wrong with him, they are fractured,fragmented, creatures, I now know what a personality disorder is.I saw this post earlier and i am glad you brought it to the forefront, Lisa.I want to add that some men go on to other women and others become hermits, in that way they never have to upkeep their false mask, they can settle into the ugly damaged souls that they are.
Jul 10 - 10PM
Southernbelle
Southernbelle's picture

Love

My narc said"I expect unconditional love...you will have to earn my love". When I asked what I could do to earn his love he said "you will have to find it within yourself. This man is is incredibly intelligent and makes a six figure salary nearly two times over but he isn't smart enough to see the folly in saying this in the same sentence. He is still totally confused about why I divorced him despite physical abuse for ten years and cutting me off for 6 months and saying he doesn't love me. He thought I was having an affair or we just grew apart. I even told him it was abuse clearly over and over but he has a mind block. He even says horrid things about men who abuse their wives like he is in total denial for what horrible things he did to me. Now as to your explanation...right on, his father withheld love and gave love based on their success in high school sports. His mother was critical and I used to cry the way home after we saw them because she had a compulsive need to say something very cruel, like "...since you don't have any friends...". And the strange thing is that it was the exact opposite of reality, as I had lots of friends. He always took up for her. I guess he learned to justify cruelty in his head because his parents did it. So yes I believe what you said fits what I have seen of mine.
Jul 10 - 7PM
KRISTINA
KRISTINA's picture

This is my question all this time

Thank you for answering my question all this time. I thought my love was unconditional love, i thought my love to him was pure and genuine. But why he couldnt accept it? This post has answered my question. Thank you Lisa. Now, I am trying to help my self to realize why everybody loves him, why only me who can see his true color. I know from my friend that he stay with OW and she is flying to the highest sky because this N show his love to her. I cannot understand why his family turn their back from me and pointed me as the one who make mistake for what happened to me and N. they said N is like a saint, everyone who has problem with him must be the one who put fire, because he is so lovely, he NEVER hurt anyone. His family blame me, they ignore that I am the victim here. Please somebody help me to explain, why only me see his true color, I become confuse is it my fault that reveal his true color? :(
Jul 10 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
cindy222
cindy222's picture

HI kristina.......I too had his family blaming me and didn't

Know why, until I read some of his emails to his dad and friends. In his emails he was turning everything around and telling lies. He would say something to me like....he needed to save money to get something fixed.... but he would tell family and friends that I wouldn't let him buy a tv or cd, because we needed to save money to fix something. Or he would say he wouldn't go to a certain party because he was too tired, but in his emails to others, he would say, I wouldn't let him go and I made him stay home all the time. I use to get very hurt and upset that his family were the way they were towards me, but now I know why. If I hadn't seen his emails, I would still be feeling pretty gutted. Maybe the same applies to you. Maybe your ex was doing the same thing. In my case, I am glad I saw those emails, because seeing is believing!!!!...and even though seeing them was very hurtful, it has ended up being a good thing that I did see them. Some family and alot of people will never believe we are the victims, and will never believe what we say, because the N is extrememly good at covering their steps and abuse. If you look back at how he treated you when you first started dating, would you have believed he was an abuser? Probably not, and that is what we must remember. The way he was when we were dating him, is how others will always see him. That kind, gentle affecionate person. They don't see the monster that dwells within. So chin up my dear...and know you are not to blame and never were. He is just a liar and not worth the time of day. Take care xx
Jul 12 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
KRISTINA
KRISTINA's picture

Thank you Cindy222

you're right I should stop worry about what people think about me. It's beyond my control that they hate me because N has turning the truth. I should be thankful that I never be a part of their family. what if I marry him? what if problem happens after married? blood thicker than water, no matter how bad this N, his family will give their back for him, not me. Once again, thanks for sharing your story :) Hugssss
Jul 10 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Giggles
Giggles's picture

Kristina

It is hard to understand, but the best I can come up with is that sometimes people see what they want to see and sometimes the Narcs are simply so convincing that they fool everybody. Men and women that are in intimate relationships with Narcs see them up close and personal more than friends and family. We are fooled in the beginning too, until their masks come off and they start D&Ding us. We cannot make anyone else believe or see what they really are if they are unwilling to accept it. Remember that they are amazing actors playing the role that they need to for different people. They are also pathological liars and you have no way of knowing what they have said to either make you the bad guy or to cover up and explain away their actions. You have to let it go. It is unfair and it hurts, but the best thing you can do is move on. Hugs! :)
Jul 10 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
KRISTINA
KRISTINA's picture

Thank you Giggles

Thanks a lot. Yes, i have to put all the question behind. I dont need to explain or to tell everyone about him just to make me feel better. I really want to do that so bad, i want to talk to one of his friends, as his sisters are stop talking to me, but now i suppose to ask my self, what for? like you said i just need to let it go and move on. yes, that hugs is something I really need now :)
Oct 17 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
preciousandbigmike
preciousandbigmike's picture

you are so right

I feel the same way wanting to explain to the people that knows us both the real person he was and they don't believe me.Even after our breakup he made them to stop talking to me with the lies he told them about me they saw his false self and he puts on his best shows for them.I want to heal from him and his sick ways.it was hell cause of the way he D and D me in a very cruel way.When he was done he told me he thinks he has done enough damages to to me.
Jul 10 - 3PM
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Lisa E. Scott

This is the most profoundly true thing I've read in a long time. THANK YOU!
Jul 10 - 4PM (Reply to #1)
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

They are so screwed,

I can't help but pity them.
Jul 14 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
daisygreen
daisygreen's picture

Sad- I never heard it explained that way

That is so true- I remember that after we would get really close, it was almost like he would find something, anything to put right in the middle. Something huge that had to be discussed and talked about.