My response to a member going through the "growing pains" of change and self awareness, the letting go of the hopes and dreams and feeling those gut level emotions of intense grief and loss:
Each step and stage has many levels of emotions and awarenesss. I can remember sobbing from the depths of my soul for days when I realized how very sick he was (my X PD) and that he could NEVER be for me or give me what I wanted and needed.
I equated this with my Dad, brother, and many other men I had tried to get something from who had nothing to give to me.
While grieving the loss of him, I felt like I was completely falling apart and in a million little pieces and when the grieving lessened, I actually began to feel more complete and whole than I had since I was a little girl, full of hope and innocence. I don't feel so innocent anymore, yet somehow I feel stronger and more in touch with my adult self and the realities and truths in life. The truth will set us free. The truth is that this was NEVER our fault; not as children and not as adults. This was a pattern established early on in life by suffering through a PD parent or parents which allowed us to repeat these patterns with emotionally unavailable men or women.
For those of us who grew up with this abuse, the recovery will emcompass the past and the present and this can be often overwhelming as we look at our patterns and learn to let go of the unhealthy relationships and learn to let in the healthy ones. New behaviors are not easy to incorporate when we are adults.
Very painful process and from my experience, I will say that this is an excellent sign that you are on your way to a deeper healing and understanding and while it is probably the most painful thing we ever go through, us adult children of abuse, in the long run you will be much better off when you make it to the other side.
I look at these PD's in our adult life as the catalysts which while horrific, actually do prompt us to do the work and my dear if anyone has been doing the work, it is you. Since you have arrived here your honesty and willingness to digg deep and look at all aspects of this has been quite amazing and a strength to all of us. This stage is a reflection of all the hard work you have been doing over these months, looking at him, looking at yourself, looking at your past.
I know it hurts and sucks, however, just remember that the feelings which we have tried for years to avoid are the very thing which will at last set us free from the bondage of childhood trauma and allow our adult selves the freedom to live in peace.
I am so proud of you right now for hanging in and sticking it out, no matter how painful this has been for you!!!!
YOU ARE a POWER of example to all of us. Hang in and keep sharing. You will make it to the other side. I have faith in you and all of us. We will become the men and women God intended us to be. We will have our strength and dignity restored to us as we journey through this together. Together we can do what we cannot do alone!!!