Why is the Bachelorette Falling for the Bad Boy?!

Ok, I can’t help myself. I indulge in reality television on Monday nights. It’s one of my guilty pleasures.
“Dancing with the Stars” because it’s a real competition and “The Bachelorette” because, well…..I am fascinated by human behavior.

Perhaps this is why I love teaching Organizational Behavior at Loyola University. Believe it or not, the instructor materials which accompany the textbook I’ve been assigned include powerpoint slides on the topic of Cognitive Dissonance.

Last week was my first class and I was so excited to educate the students on what Cognitive Dissonance means and why it causes us so much emotional distress.

I am passionate about helping others understand how the emotional abuse that occurs in a relationship with a Narcissist leads to Cognitive Dissonance. This can happen in any type of relationship – personal, work or family.

Perhaps more important to understand is how Cognitive Dissonance leads to intrusive, obsessive-compulsive thoughts that prevent us from being able to concentrate, eat, sleep, think straight or function. It is one of the most important topics in helping victims "Understand It" in order to recover.


Taken a step further, Cognitive Dissonance also explains how important it is for us to deprogram after being in a relationship with a Narcissist. Narcissists are brilliant manipulators and master con-artists. They can charm the pants off anyone. Their ability to manipulate is downright scary. I was reminded of the strength of their persuasion skills tonight while watching the “The Bachelorette” on ABC.

I missed last week’s opener, but was able to catch-up tonight to watch returning bachelorette, Ashley Hebert meet the men. Ashley is smart, intelligent, driven, beautiful and very classy. She has it together, without a doubt, and has been presented with 25 seemingly wonderful eligible bachelors to choose from in her quest for love.

The choices she has made in the last two weeks, however, have disappointed but not surprised me. At the expense of men who seem to have more sincere intentions, Ashley has kept two men that are, in my opinion, unabashed, unapologetic and “in your face” Narcissists. The red flags on these two men are flying high, but their ability to charm her has made her completely blind to it all.

You know how some people say “love is blind”? Is that really true, or should it really be “lust is blind”?

Recent research has me thinking about this one quite a bit lately. According to current studies, there is an “Unholy Triad” of traits that when possessed by a man will ensure he “gets laid” more than the next guy. No joke.

Are you ready to hear what these three traits are?





Nope, not quite…..remember it's called the "Unholy" Triad.

Are you ready for this?

Try this instead…

The Unholy Triad of traits which ensures a man will have more sexual partners than his peers…..

(drum roll)…

NARCISSISM (you got it)

MACHIAVELLIANISM (which was another powerpoint slide in my instructor materials to explain the corruption in corporate america)


brace yourselves…..PSYCHOPATHY!

Yep, sad but true. Scary stuff, huh? I plan to research this and write more about it in my next book with my friend Mia Dawn McKenzie, but I’d like to start talking about this now. We need input everyone!

Seriously ladies, we must STOP FALLING FOR THE BAD BOY!

Obviously, I am guilty of this myself, but let’s figure out why we do this and put an end to it.

Apparently, we have a long way to go in building awareness. I mean, look at our Bachelorette, Ashley. This woman has it all together. Yet, two of the men remaining include one whom she was warned about before meeting (Bentley) and the other who wears a mask (Mask Man)!

Yes, you heard me correctly. One of the men she has kept, after two (yes two) elimination ceremonies, is a man who wears a masquerade ball type mask (think Eyes Wide Shut) over his eyes all day and all night. I don’t even remember his name…..just the mask so we can call him Mask Man for purposes of our discussion.

What is it that makes us drawn to this type of man….the bad boy, the alpha male, the rogue, the James Dean, the mystery of a man?!!!

It is an age-old question women have been asking themselves for years! In my next book, Mia and I are determined to get to the bottom of it all. We would love to hear your thoughts as women who have been through it firsthand. Please contribute your opinions as we work to make sense of this crazy phenomenon and try to stop falling for the bad boy!

Jul 22 - 12AM
AinaM's picture

I'm not actually an avid

I'm not actually an avid watcher of the reality show but do you think Ashley falls for bad boys because she finds them not boring? Or is it because she is an adventurous woman who finds it fun to have a relationship with the man with traits opposite as hers?
Jun 28 - 2AM
girlsinger's picture

Hi Lisa..Oh that N Bentley.. OY

Hi Lisa I must say I hold you personally responsible for my watching the bachelorette...LOL so,get this: The producers say that this is the first season that the show will not have an "ending" (NO CLOSURE, thier words not mine) all because of Bentley! remember, now... the show is not over.. there is still a "Finale" to do (gotta pay the bills) I belive that in true N form Bentley will be back... and America loves it, thats the really interesting part the difference in ratings when Bently is on is staggering so what gives? Lisa, did you notice that when she was with Bentley he took every opportunity to "invade" her space he touched her leg on the couch,made alot if contact with her on the other hand On her date, with that guy on the boat (isnt it funny that we only recall Bentley's name the Narc.. LOL) I swear I cannot remember the guys name..(sorry) in any case, she kissed him first she took charge he didnt like that..but was still a bit "wimpy" BTW ( what about the other guys?) (testosterone shortage..for certian on that show) finally, on that boat date he had to ASK if he could kiss her ( she didnt dig that) you see, with Bentley he was always in control...always, every minute he never asked..he just "did" and when you stop to think about it Bentley really didnt SAY much (he has the charisma of a rock, seriously) though, he did do alot of "posing " , "suggesting"..and "listening" (in that ever so N way)... he let her speak, reveal, etc of course...so he can use it later however IMHO its still (dot , dot , dot) between them yes, the saga of the infection of the Narc Bentley continues... BTW..not diggin Bentley's toupee...LOL be blessed, Lisa K
Jun 8 - 11PM
Lil.Ms.Sunshine's picture

Bentley the Bad Boy

Yes, I think I knew my XN was a bad boy of sorts. He had long black hair tied in a ponytail and was 15 years younger than me. But, I have this stereotype that younger men are more idealistic; more emotionally vulnerable; more spontaneous. When he screwed up, I chalked it up to his youthful stupidity and not his cunning hatred for all humanKIND. And I had undergone a spiritual transformation that left me feeling more alive when I first met him. I won't go into my transformation other than to say that it left me feeling protected and impervious to any harm in the universe, among other things. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced; feeling like I was looking at everything with the brand new eyes of a baby. I was ripe for the picking!!! My intuition nagging at me the whole way down. I dumped him 3 times. 3rd time's the charms! ;) Once I discovered what he was, I told all my friends who, in turn, minimized it. They minimized it because encountering a sociopathice Narc was outside the scope of their experience. But, I wouldn't give up. And last night, just before Meditation Group started, a friend leaned over and thanked me for sharing my experience because she, too, had developed "night vision." How did she know this? She said she spotted a sociopathic Narc on The Bachelorette. So, afterward, I went home and watched the episode. There he was in spades... pure evil, boastfully snickering at how he had everyone fooled; using his daughter as an excuse to make himself look human-like. My XN used to use his daughter to make himself look like a good person, too! It's like they're the Borg from Star Trek, all plugged into the same lies, same sadistic games, and the same verbage. Jimmy Kimmel called him "The Devil" as I watched the aftermath on YouTube. My wish is that every mother show her daughter that episode. Then, they'll know evil truly does exist and it mimics humans, so we need to tune into the being, not their words.
Jun 27 - 11PM (Reply to #13)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Tonight's Episode of Bachelorette with Bentley the Narcissist

Ok, I'm indulging in my one reality show, The Bachelorette (recorded it), right now and have to share what Ashley says about Bentley after finally seeing his true colors: “He knows exactly how to talk to a girl to make them believe what he wants them to believe. He’s that bad boy who wants to play women and has so many issues in his head. He’s such a player. He disrespected me to the core. I don’t understand what I ever did or what anyone could ever do to make someone treat them that way. “ That's just it. She did NOTHING wrong, but cannot comprehend for the life of her, how someone can be that cruel for no reason. Well, it's because they have no soul, no compassion, no empathy. It's because they are a narcissist! Anyone who is asking this question on the Bachelorette's forum should be pointed here so they can finally UNDERSTAND why a narcissist behaves the way he does. Understanding narcissism is half the battle. Once you realize this person is incapable of real love and will never change, nor does he want to change, you can finally make decisions in your life, like Ashley did, to move on. You can also stop blaming yourself or feeling like you did something wrong. You did NOTHING wrong! We all deserve this peace of mind. Once we have clarity, it helps us finally move on. Spread the word! I love how Ashley tells him off at the end. It's priceless. She's a smart girl and I'm glad she woke up before it was too late!
Jun 8 - 6AM
jen79's picture


Good question. I had 4 bad boys in my life. The first was only about winning him over the other girls who all wanted him. Then one was just sexy and I wanted to have sex with him, I didnt fall in love with him though. The other two were telling me at the beginning how wonderful I am, in a way no nomral men would ever do, and I also felt right away that they are dangerous. So my theory on this is, they get you with your own weaknesses, vanity, mostly its that, you want to be better than the others, be the special one, and you want it from someone who can have every girl, so then you win all over the other women. And you want to believe them so desperately when they make you believe this is true, cause they say it in a way you didnt heard it before, showering you with all these compliments puts you in a state of a baby. And thats it, they hit this very emotional vulnerable spot in you. You dont have to be an childhood abuse survivor to fall for this, its enough when you are beautiful and intelligent to believe what he sais. I also know that, when we sense someone is dangerous, it releases chemicals like when you are in love, when he is then telling you all the things you ever wanted to hear, its like winning the lottery. Thats why gambling addiction and love addiction works the same way. You know its risky, but if you could win, it would be wonderful. I think also bad boys always have increased testosterone level, so we also smell they are good material to have kids on this very animalic level. This is the thing with them, they trigger all these hidden things, that we are not even aware of, it takes alot of awareness and self discipline to not fall for this.
Jun 6 - 9PM
girlsinger's picture

watching the bachlorette, its on in the studio

HI Lisa the bad boy creep guy just said the most chilling thing I just had to log on and comment he said: "Im gonna make Asley cry and I hope my hair looks good" his other classic line "love is like illness, its gotta go down" umm N? any dbout? Come on the radio w/me lets "discuss" I too find human behavior endlessly interesting be blessed kelly
Jun 6 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture


Yes! I got chills too! I'm so glad I'm not alone in my fascination with human behavior. This guy makes my blood boil though! Ugh! What a horrible, horrible human being. He reminds me of the serial killer character on Showtime, Dexter, don't you think?!!!
Jun 6 - 9AM
Susan32's picture

The TWILIGHT series

The trailer for BREAKING DAWN was just aired. It shows Edward&Bella's wedding, the pillow-biting, feathery consummation sex, and Bella's unnaturally growing belly. Edward Cullen has become the culture's beloved Bad Boy. There's mutual obsession between Edward&Bella... their relationship can be summed up as sexual attraction¬hing more. Bella renounces her humanity to be with him. She lets him isolate her from her friends&family. And it's portrayed as if it were a *GOOD* thing. Sad to say, teenaged girls are more likely to be influenced by the Twilight series than the Bachelorette.
Jun 5 - 6PM
onwithmylife's picture

Like this post, Lisa

I got my bad boy, NARC, later in ,life ,why couldn't I have done it back in high school,UGH>>>>, now if only I could meet a great,decent, normal man, where are you???????????
Jun 3 - 11AM
snarky174's picture

Thank you for this post

I want to really know what caused me to date and marry a man that took so much from me and continues to torment me through our children. I am so afraid my sons will grow up and do this to other women.... I was/am educated,made more money and had tons of friends - after him- it took me a while to reconnect with everyone that was isolated from. I was also a victim of Domestic Abuse - Are you tying in how these men really do abuse the women that they are with -NC is wonderful and does bug them however - because of children I still have to stay in contact - I had to deprogram and still catch myself correcting my thoughts - Best thing I did was after therapy find a life coach! She keeps me grounded and focused on moving forward and not looking back - He has new wife and a baby and another on the way... and this woman used her monies to build and fund a new home for him... new car everything... it all looks so normal and happy but I think she is going through what I dealt with - not sure...
Jun 1 - 7AM
blessingindisguise's picture

Falling For The Bad Boy

I'm so excited that your new book will focus on why we fall for these types of men. I think it would be great if after discovering the "whys" there will be steps to take to make sure that we retrain our brains on how to enter in relationships with only good, decent men.
May 31 - 4PM
Jannie In the Sun
Jannie In the Sun's picture

CD and getting real with myself.

Wow, you just told my story. I have my Violent Affection - Keeping Keeping It Real List and I am still adding to it 6 months after our breakup in an effort to accept the truth and make peace with it so I can move forward. I read it often! This website has been such a wonderful place of healing, identifying and support.
May 31 - 1PM
Four Aces
Four Aces's picture

The Bachelorette

Everytime I watch this show I say to myself - "why are women so pitiful when it comes to relationships?" If I see this woman curl up in her bed and sob ONE more time about her desire to be "in love" I will throw up. Pulezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. As soon as women stop believing that a man guarantees her happiness in life we TAKE the power away from every single narcissist in the WORLD. Women need to STEP up to the plate and stop degrading their "single" women friends. Stop making them feel LESS than a woman for being single. Stop it. It's the same thing Maya Angelou says when she hears people being ugly to other people. She yells STOP IT. I am also of the school that when you crave anything, you just push it farther away. Be happy with yourself ladies. The Law of Attraction will then bring you want you need. Positive thoughts, postive actions bring positive results. Let's support each other in this life, be kind to each other. Set examples for our daughters.
May 31 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Thanks ladies!

Thanks for your feedback ladies! So many good points! I love what FourAces said: "As soon as women stop believing that a man guarantees her happiness in life we TAKE the power away from every single narcissist in the WORLD. Women need to STEP up to the plate and stop degrading their "single" women friends. Stop making them feel LESS than a woman for being single. Stop it." So true! I was just listening to Lady Gaga's song Bad Romance and telling a friend that my favorite part of the song is when she sings "I'm a free bitch, baby!" with such conviction. I love it. We have so much to celebrate. Cheers to you all! xoxo
May 31 - 12PM
girlsinger's picture

is it really reality TV? new news from bacholerette

Greetings Lisa Saw this and thought of you( Love your blogs BTW) hey looks like trouble in paradise on the "bacholerette" and they said it wouldnt last..LOL http://primetime.tv.yahoo.com/ blessings to you Lisa K
May 31 - 8AM
terri's picture

rings another bell - loudly

My exNarc would actually grin from ear to ear when he would be caught at some of his crazy-making and actually ask "am I a bad boy" or "do you think I'm a bad boy" - using "bad boy" in the vernacular that it has achieved in our society. I guess what I took from that was that he was actually TRYING to appear to be the bad boy. I believe he thought that gave him an air of "danger" or something that apparently he thought was attractive to women. UGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! So many things I look back on now that made me uneasy but I just didn't know enough to be truly frightened for my emotional well-being.

Believe in yourself!