Waking up and finding clarity is the key to our recovery. We fall hard for the Narcissist. We are in total bliss in the beginning. We can't believe we finally found our soul mate - he is everything we ever wanted in a man and more.
When his true colors start to show, we do everything we can to avoid acknowledging them. We don't want to admit that this man is not who we thought he was. Why would we want to admit this? I know I didn't want to - I spent 8 years banging my head against the wall blaming everything on myself, but why?
Goldie pointed it out in her blog today- Instead of spoil our idea that we have found the perfect man, we blame ourselves for failing to make him happy. We do everything we can to try to bring back the man we fell in love with, but to no avail. It's a fruitless effort and will drive anyone to the edge of their sanity. Yet, instead of waking up and acknowledging that he is not the man we thought, we twist and contort and do everything we can in hopes that we will be able to make him happy somehow and the man we fell in love with will suddenly re-appear.
We need to wake up and acknowledge that our prince is never going to re-emerge. In fact, our prince does not exist - he never did! He put on an act in the beginning and it was for one purpose - to control, manipulate and own us. If we do not agree with everything he says and worship the ground he walks on, we will be scolded and reprimanded, just like a dog. If you think about it, you know it's true.
Narcissists count on us to blame ourselves for the arguments that result. The minute we take the bait, they cement this idea in our heads with manipulation and brainwashing.
The Narcissist knows we don't want to admit that he's not the man of our dreams, the answer to our prayers and everything we ever wanted in a man - and he takes advantage of this belief.
My ex-husband told me from day one he was a Narcissist. Why it took me 8 years to look into the true meaning of this word is beyond me, but that's precisely why I write about it. I know he wondered for years why I put up with such horrible treatment from him for so long. So much so that in the end, he made sure I understood what Narcissism meant by taking me with him to see his therapist.
When we initially went to his therapist, I was so brainwashed into being complacent, accomodating and subserviant to him that I wasn’t thinking divorce at all. In fact, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I thought it was odd that he asked me to go with him to see his therapist, but figured the therapist might be able to give me some tips on how to be a better wife.
Within 3 therapy sessions where he brutally told me the truth about his feelings for me and his therapist confirmed it, I finally woke up and filed for divorce. I gave him exactly what he wanted…..
...but what took me so long?!
When in a relationship with a Narcissist, we often lie to ourselves in order to keep going. We lie to ourselves that things aren’t as bad as they really are. We do not want to accept that the person we fell in love with is not who we thought he was in the beginning. No one wants to admit this. Why would we want to admit this without a fight? We have invested so much in this relationship. We do not want to believe that our soul mate is not real.
We would rather exhaust every possibile excuse or explanation we can before we admit this inconvenient truth to ourselves. This includes blaming ourselves and telling ourselves we did something wrong to deserve such treatment.
We must stop and realize that lying to ourselves like this forces us to disconnect from our true self just like the Narcissist did as a child. Trust me, this is no way to live. When you disconnect from yourself, you die a slow death inside. You become your own worst enemy.
Subconsciously, you know you’re lying to yourself. You know you are denying your reality, burying your head in the sand and living in the dark.
No matter how hard we try to fool the mind into thinking everything is ok, it knows the truth. The mind is amazingly powerful. We may try to avoid thinking about it by keeping ourselves busy with work or projects. We may even try to numb ourselves with alcohol, but at the end of the day, we know we are lying to ourselves.
In order to keep the lie alive, you disconnect from yourself. You then begin to get angry with yourself for not being strong enough to face reality. Anger turned inward turns into depression. So now, not only are you miserable in your relationship, but you feel dead inside, angry and depressed.
“When one is pretending, the entire body revolts.“
~ Anais Nin
We cannot avoid reality. We have to be honest with ourselves. If not, we lose all trust in ourselves. We must Get Real to Heal, as I like to say. When I finally got real and faced reality, it explained everything to me and gave me a second chance at life and love.
We often avoid pain. It’s a common response, but we must remember that only through pain can we truly transform. Please do not avoid the truth in an effort to protect yourself because you know down deep, you are only prolonging the inevitable. Be strong and face the truth. Clarity provides direction and is the key to recovery on the Path Forward.
Struggle toughens the human spirit and strengthens our character. It gives us purpose and direction. Following the path of least resistance in life is a cop-out. It is struggle and pain that leads to transformation.
Taking steps to take care of yourself is a positive response. Do not be afraid to feel your feelings and get honest with yourself. Remember, we must get real to heal. If you repress your feelings, you will remain stuck. Be gentle with yourself and grateful that you have the ability to feel. When you feel, you know you're alive, right? I would rather feel pain and know I’m alive than feel nothing.
The one thing a Narcissist can never take away from us is our ability to feel. A Narcissist will never experience the range of emotions we do, which is precisely why they are so jealous, envious and covetous of those of us who can.