Since this last breakup I have been looking at things from a different perspective. Last time it was more about what was wrong with him. Now it is more about what in me ALLOWED this into my precious life.
This time I am looking at what in me attracted him in the first place and what in me put up with the repeated incidences of unacceptable, insensitive, often cruel, behavior towards me.
Previously with most guys, I would never put up with any of this and if anything, I was the one in control in those relationships. I had some boundaries. Yet, I also never felt about them the way I feel about this one. Why was it different with him?
Why did I allow him to almost completely destroy my life, only to take him back?
I lost myself in him. I lost my spontaneous laughter, the respect of my family and friends, and my own self-respect every time I took him back. My motivation for my future, my hopes and dreams; because of course he did not care about those because it was all about him. How could I have possibly had a "real" honest, loving relationship with a man who did not care about what was important to me or what I wanted?
These are the questions I ask NOW.
Why did I stay? Why didn't I kick him to the curb? Why did I choose to stay with a man who towards the end made me feel like I wanted to die?
Previously it was: Did he really love me? Do you think he's coming back? Do you think he ever loved me? Those were the questions I asked myself and others for two years.
I can now say with 100% accuracy, NO. He did not and not because I was not worthy, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough, sexy enough, loving enough, or young enough.
It was none of that, I was ENOUGH; just not for him. He does not know how to give love, receive love, or accept love. None of it; he cannot do these things because he is DAMANGED GOODS. Something is not right upstairs with him and it has NOTHING to do with me. He was that way long before I came along and he will be that way long after I am gone. He will never be able to give and receive love like a typical man does.
He knows this; I know this; and everyone else knows this. He is disordered, he is wired differently. He does not see the good in things, the butterflies, the cotton candy, the sweet little puppy dogs, newborn babies, the intimacy of two lovers looking into each other’s eyes and JUST KNOWING; he just does NOT know. I do; he does not know it or feel it and never will. NO amount of therapy, love, attention, sex.......is going to change this. I thought if I just loved him more, gave him more, had more and better sex, made better meals, lost more weight, wore sexier clothes, wore better makeup......it would make a difference. NONE of it matters, he could have been with a perfect 10 and trust me; within a relatively short period of time he would have found something to criticize and pick apart. This is how he is wired; to see the flaws in people. He sees who has more than him, a sexier wife, a faster car, a bigger house...he does appreciate what he has and will never be satisfied with it, there will always be something out there that he wants because he is restless, always looking for a bigger and better high. I will NEVER be ENOUGH. No thing or any one will ever be enough.
WHY did I PUT up with this?
I honestly have never felt the way I felt when I was with him and know that I never will again.
In the beginning: I felt alive, beautiful, sexy, special, wanted, smart, and madly in love. I basically I had met the man of my dreams. I had died and gone to heaven, GOD had finally answered my prayers.
When I looked at him; I was in love. I saw the most handsome beautiful man I had ever known. I adored him, saw none of his flaws, and was thrilled to be with him. When we walked into the mall together and he held my hand in his, I felt loved, safe, proud, and like here was a man, who not only saw me as I was and loved me for me, and also who I loved completely with all of my heart and wanted to spend the rest of my life making him happy. My handsome prince had arrived and I was going to do everything to keep him happy and embark on our happy life together.
He told me he was in love with me and had never felt this way before and he would never leave me. He professed that I was that I was the love of his life, and he asked me to marry him. He wanted what I wanted and loved me just the way I was.
Imagine my shock and horror, the first time, he called me a cunt, a tramp, a bitch, punched a hole in my wall and told me I never loved him. I was stunned, I felt like someone had just punched me in my heart. WHAT was that? WHAT just happened? OMG what is going on here? After I got over the initial shock, I wanted to FIX it and make it BETTER. I was already hooked.
I not only made it BETTER immediately but I proceeded to FORGET IT and push it far away in my mind. There was NO way I was going to look at this and risk the possibility of losing my future husband. NO WAY was I going to make him leave and lose this. I was going to make it work, FIX IT, FIX HIM. So I did and went back into HAPPY mode.
UNTIL THE NEXT TIME and this played out over and over until all he had to do was to give me a look or a gesture and I got the message, he was DISPLEASED and I would FIX IT. Be better, do better. I was enrolled in the ABUSE CYCLE and did not even know it.
At the time I had NO IDEA that it was all an act, a game, a manipulation to secure my trust and attention. I was in actuality only a pawn to be used for him to get himself to the next level. In his mind, I was his bitch, an object, narcissistic supply. He had no respect for me and no intention of a life with me. I thought he meant everything he said, just like I did. I was not playing a role, this was not an act to me, and it was completely real for me. I had never been in a relationship with someone who played me like this and did not see it coming. He reminded me of my dad; but THAT was over 30 years ago. The only other thing was my son’s dad. He walked out on me when I was pregnant, could that be what this was all about? They were both assholes and everyone knew it. This time it was different. My man was not an asshole; I would not believe any of that. I told myself that this could NOT be because of them and dismissed those thoughts as well.
How was this possible? After all, I was highly intelligent, attractive, accomplished, insightful, a good friend, mother, and citizen. I loved God, my country, and had hopes for my life. I went into prisons and worked with addicts, I was a hospice volunteer, I helped returned students going back to college, I was a parent’s advocate. Why would I be treated this way?
I was his dog, his property (dogs are legally considered property; they are not afforded the rights of humans) and like a dog; I accepted my role, for a while.
I had been conditioned, the way you train a puppy. To come, sit, stop bad behavior, reward good behavior. I had trained dogs, I knew about how this works. Just did not see that it had been done to me.
"A man's soul can be judged by the way he treats his dog."-- Charles Doran
There are good dog trainers and there are bad dog trainers. There are the ones who love and respect their dogs and appreciate their loyalty.
A dog wants to be loved and accepted by their trainer, it is in their nature, they like to be happy.
Then there are the ones who abuse their dogs to get them to behave, they bully and degrade them into submission, they insult them, hit them, and exert control over them with force and deprivation. Some dogs are particularly willful, and bright with them, further abuse may be necessary, they may even have to withhold food, any praise, and beat the dog into submission. Soon they see the trainer coming and they JUST KNOW. There is no longer any need to abuse for when he sees his facial expression, the sight of his hand, it’s often enough. They have been conditioned to respond to ABUSE.
Both dogs are behaving, yet with entirely different motivation and treatment.
The ONE THING that the bully dog trainer NEVER realizes which is apparent to the loving trainer is that while it may APPEAR as though the dog has become deadened to the abuse, and is in compliance, this may not always be the case and the bullied dog MAY one day TURN on or leave his trainer if given the chance because their loyalties will NEVER run as deeply as with the loving trainer.
It was not real, it was NOT built on trust and love, and it was forced; no longer given freely.
It may “appear” as though he has a well-trained dog in compliance, but does he? He has basically destroyed that dog the dog now lives in fear and has no sense of joy, self, or contentment.
He is just someone's "BITCH."
I woke up to this, the last time with the Narc and realized that our house had been built upon clay and that it was NEVER going to be right and I was NEVER going to have that sense of trust and love which was experienced with the conditioning of the good trainer. My Narc was damaged goods (his words) and he had shut down as a child and could not love his girlfriend or wife as a woman; he was NOW ONLY able to treat her as a bad dog trainer would treat his dog.
This last time with the Narc/Psycho, I realized that I could no longer be his "BITCH" and that he offered me little in the way of what I wanted my life to be and that the ONLY way out was COMPLETE NC, anything short of that would only start the whole cycle up again and I had already lost too much of my precious life to him. I use the dog analogy because I think I had more respect and understanding for my beloved dog than I did for myself while I was with this man. I would have NEVER allowed anyone to talk to or treat my dog as I was and I believe that he used conditioning (most often sex) to make me compliant to the abuse.