Finding Spirituality after the Narcissist

Finding yourself after being in a relationship with a Narcissist is not easy, but absolutely necessary in order to heal. I believe we must tap into our spirituality in order to connect with ourselves again. Recently, I have been asked to comment on this topic.

I am a spiritual person, but not a religious person. The beauty of nature and miracle of life prove to me that a higher power exists beyond myself. I believe this higher power exists everywhere. We do not need to go to a church or a temple to be close to God. If that is something that helps us feel closer, then it’s a wonderful thing to do. However, I know that in order to be close to God, I do not need to be anywhere other than with myself. God is within each one of us. It is this realization that has allowed me to find my spirituality.

The kingdom of heaven is within you (Luke 17:21)

I believe getting in touch with your spirituality has nothing to do with where you pray or to what religion you conform. Instead, it has everything to do with tapping into the spiritual potential that exists within you.

Jesus was not a magician or a performer. He was a teacher. He taught us that any person who makes the discovery of the God-like potential within him has the innate potential to be transformed by the power of their own divinity.

Jesus taught us that God exists within each one of us. He discovered his own divinity and sought to teach us how to tap into ours by getting in touch with our true consciousness. When he says “Follow Me,” he is asking us to reach within ourselves to find the high level of consciousness that he achieved. For it is in this level of being that we are truly alive. I see Jesus as the great discoverer of the divinity of humankind. He does not want to be worshipped. He wants to be followed as a teacher for helping us find ourselves and our true level of consciousness.

Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32)

In my opinion, this freedom is the inward motivation to tap into the raw spiritual power that resides within us. It is to harness our true potential and move in the direction of our divine good. In a way, it is like turning on a light within ourselves where we become conscious of the root of our true being and consciously make the decision to tap into our spirituality. By finding it, we are more creative, imaginative, powerful and great.

All of us are spiritual beings, whether we know it or not, whether we act on it or not. Unfortunately, in today’s world, we are more in touch with our physical being than our spiritual being. We must remember that our physical being is only a shell that holds our spiritual being and this shell is only temporary. It is our spiritual being, our soul, which never dies. We must tap into our God-like potential, that light that resides within each one of us, to live a life that fosters good, helps others and has purpose.

When we are in touch with our spiritual self, we are free to do unlimited things. We see things in a different light, we tap into a creativity within ourselves we never knew existed and we draw upon a higher potential. This potential has always been within us, but it is our responsibility to find it and harness it. This is what Jesus taught us.

I do not believe God intended for us to fight wars and kill each other over religion. Getting caught up in this causes us to miss the whole point of his message. He sent Jesus to teach us that it is not about how we worship him, but instead about reaching deep within ourselves to find the presence of God dwelling inside us. God is within each one of us and it is up to us to tap into the power and force of his spirit. I believe the moment we understand this, a whole new level of consciousness opens up that can change our lives forever.

God is really the essence of our being…our depth. Many of us try to define the undefinable, but perhaps it’s easiest to think of God in terms of the depth of our being, our innate goodness and our divine potential. We are all better than we realize. We have higher thoughts that we have yet to recognize.

You do not need to look “out there” to find your spirituality. It exists within you and always has. You can never be separated from God because you are an expression of God. God is within each one of us, waiting for us to harness his power. When we WAKE UP and allow ourselves to experience our true depth, we begin to truly live.

"Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself." ~ Hermann Hesse

Jul 6 - 5AM
fearofuncertainty's picture


the most difficult part to attain spirituality is to truly love myself, the unconditional acceptance and compassion to myself are not easy, especially to empath when we care about others rather than us. maybe true awakening is spirituality! thanks lisa for such wonderful sharing.
Apr 12 - 12PM
fear for my sanity
fear for my sanity's picture

Trying not to hate but can't feel sorry for him either

I totally agree with your definition of spirituality. I also consider myself a spiritual person but am not religious.Whenever I've felt angry and hateful towards N (I don't even like to call him 'my' N!), I remind myself of a quote from one of my favourite philosophers, Soren Kierkegaard, a Danish Christian philosopher, theologian and religious author interested in human psychology. These are the words that I would like to say to N: “Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when everyone has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself. In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.” I may be very unhappy at the moment, but it is nothing compared to the unhappiness of N. We have a better future to look forward to now that we are rid of N, but he has no meaningful future ahead of him. His life is just going round in meaningless circles. So grateful for the support and help I am receiving here.
May 9 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
IMFree's picture

Me Too!!!!!

I am so greatful I found this blog! I am also very unhappy at the moment. I have a future somewhere out there! I just need to figure out who I am after being with an "N" for over 30 yrs! My life is a good one. I get 1/2 his pension forever! I have a daughter who loves me and 2 beautiful grandkids who live with me. Why am I so sad? I want him to be lonely like me and sad like me and miserable like me. He has no feelings and I know it. He took all my adult life away! I hate him for that and will NEVER forgive him.
Apr 6 - 1PM
Susan32's picture

"It's not about getting what you want, it's about wanting.."

"What you've got"-That's what Sheryl Crow sings in one of her songs. The ex-Psych prof EXPECTED me to give up my faith for him. His idol, Leo Tolstoy, condemned religion, mocked his wife Sofia's faith, and the Russian Orthodox Church excommunicated him (last year, the Russian Orthodox Church refused to end their excommunication due to the centennial of Tolstoy's death, since they think he was instrumental in founding the Soviet Union) He also idolized Arthur Schopenhauer, who harshly condemned Christianity and thought women lived better under polygamy in Middle Eastern countries. He said he wrote about religion in order to bash it. He USED to consider himself a philosopher, a philosopher of religion, and a self-anointed expert on Augustine's "Confessions." Thanks to *ME* he no longer considers himself an expert on those. A lot of us here speak of Ns/Ps robbing us of our ability to enjoy certain activities, pieces of music, etc--yet somehow I managed to rob him of THOSE. I remember him saying, "Don't steal Augustine's 'Confessions' from me." (He had written his master's thesis on it, it took him 7 years to get his master's at UVA) I did so anyhow. He told me to NOT write about religion. I did so anyhow. I was the student who somehow pulled a the major heist on him, like an Ocean's movie. Except I didn't have George Clooney&Matt Damon helping out. I don't know how I managed to STILL go to church through those 4 years. I still attended Sunday Mass. I'd go to Bible studies, Lenten soup suppers, I went to a Greek Orthodox celebration of Pascha (Easter), since one of my classmates was the son of a Greek Orthodox priest. During the final D&D, I was going to a chapel that was a short walk away. My college was a short walk-literally-from the museum where the ex-P's girlfriend worked AND a convent with a chapel open to the public. During the D&D, I'd be crying at that chapel everyday. I didn't give up my religion for the ex-P... but it was a crisis that helped me appreciate my faith.
Apr 4 - 3PM
dudette's picture


God removes people from your life for your own protection. Do not go running after them..... Cannot remember where this quote comes from....
Apr 4 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture


Great point Dudette - God removes people from your life for your own protection. Do not go running after them! HopeAgain - Yes, you are definitely making progress! You're right that God is always with you. I'm so happy you're finding peace. It'sAllAboutMeNow - My EXN did the same thing! Went with me to church and ridiculed everything. He earmarked every page in the Bible that talked about rape and shoved it in my face as I was trying to listen to the sermon. It was a horrible experience. I'll never forgive him for it. They can't stand to see anyone else have faith in anything. If it's not ALL ABOUT HIM, he's not interested!
Apr 4 - 4AM
dudette's picture

my church has been my rock

and the vicar has been an inspiration... After taking me through confession and forgiveness, he has just delivered a sermon about obedience....and how obedience is not about the emitional control, subjugation or manipulation of women And how abuse is NOT OK now if you conside my story, my vicar would have been entiteld, or so I thought, to ask me to leave etc.... au contraire, I have just been asked to become the new parochial council secretary....
Apr 3 - 7PM
HopeAgain's picture

Going back to church for peace

Today I feel like I made a transition because of a sermon I heard. I previously posted my ex-N on a site that outs cheaters and it caused a lot of problems since it really upset his family. I guess I wanted to protect other women because I wish I had known more about him. He led such a secretive life. When a woman tried to warn me 7 months into our relationship (she actually was sleeping with him the first year and a half of our relationship) I didn't believe her because he manipulated my brain so unbelievably. He also kept everything in his life so entirely separate and mysterious that I was always in such a state of confusion. I didn't know what reality was anymore. I also did it out of anger. The sermon I heard today was all about the trials and tribulations we go through and how God uses them to shape us and make us better Christians. The pastor reminded us of what agony Jesus endured for us on the cross which pails in comparison to the pain we go through. Jesus has been there & He understands our pain. We have to pray for Him to wash us clean. The entire sermon was very powerful and I made a decision to remove the posts. Instead I posted this: After church today I realized what Jesus would do. Jesus already died for "R" as he did for all of us. He would also have mercy and take "R" off of his cross. It wasn't for me to put him there, but I am taking him down today. God will deal with him as it is His place to do so and not mine. I don't think I can actually pray for him yet. I am not at the point of forgiveness. Some day maybe I will be able to ask God to change his heart and help him to become a better man. The man I always wanted him to be. I have hope for a future & I am holding onto my faith in that. The harm that was done to me will heal and make me a better person. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" I know the anger will be back. But I am going to try as hard as I can to be the better person. I love the verse in the bible that says: "Be still & know that I am God". Sometimes we just need to be still.
May 9 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
IMFree's picture

I love Jeremiah!

Some times we just need to be still! I know God has a plan for me. I am so glad that I am not the "N" when it comes to standing before a just judge! He will get just what he deserves!
Apr 3 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture


HopeAgain - I'm so glad you decided to take the posts down. I think that was the best decision. It allows you to move on. You do not need to be tangled up in his web of craziness any longer. I love this too: "Be still & know that I am God". You're so right, sometimes we just need to be still. I'm very happy for you and as GoinBeyond said: "God knows whats best for us. He closes doors in order to protect us. Though we suffer for a little while. Joy cometh in the morning. Something really great is just around the corner." I truly believe this. Thanks for sharing, ladies! Here's to the Path Forward that lies ahead. We have much to look forward to now that these toxic men are out of our lives! God Bless, Lisa
Apr 4 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
HopeAgain's picture


Thanks Lisa. Maybe this means I am progressing? I am finding peace which is what was missing from my life since my ex-N came into my life. The pain I endured was excruciating. I felt so completely, utterly alone and confused. Yesterday I texted my sister: " God was talking to me about "R" all along and showing me signs but I ignored Him, so I think the message is that even when I felt completely alone, God was with me". Not only that, but God was trying so hard to protect me. Of course, I was in denial so I explained away the gnawing in my gut for paranoia, jealousy, insecurity. (The N trained me so well!). Right now I am so happy to be progressing and finding peace!
Apr 3 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
goin beyond
goin beyond's picture


Thankyou for writing this. It is true we really can let all this go. Maybe the Lord is seperating the good from the bad right now...not to say that the N's of the world are beyond hope but we see now..there are givers and takers in the world. I'd rather be a giver instead of an N. But not a victim. God knows whats best for us. He closes doors in order to protect us. Though we suffer for a little while. Joy cometh in the morning. Something really great is just around the corner. For whatever the locust or cankerworm tries to devour the Lord will restore 100 or 1000 fold. Let's get excited for something really great in our lives is on it's way.
Apr 3 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
HopeAgain's picture


Yes, we can let it go but it's a long process. It's an every day excruciating battle. Today was a good day. I felt free and happy. I need to continue to hold on to God's promises. But the reality is I will still have many bad days until I am recovered completely. The key is to expect the bad days and not beat yourself up for still being "stuck". We are stuck because we gave our hearts & we loved deeply. We are stuck because we wanted to believe they were good despite all the bad behavior they displayed toward us. I feel that today was another step for me...but I am still on a journey to recover and repair the damage that was done.
Apr 3 - 6PM
goin beyond
goin beyond's picture

Spirit of Truth

I am just now processing what happened to me in this past relationship as I could never quite figure out where the N was coming from.'s cause most normal people don't function that way. Interestingly enough I do read the bible and found the the last days men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers without self control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godlness but denying its power. And from such people turn away. For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women. 2Timothy 3:2
Apr 7 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Sherbear's picture

Spirit of Truth

WOW!! Amazing scripture.
Apr 4 - 3AM (Reply to #3)
It'sAllAboutMeNow (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


That was quite powerful. Scary to see where the world is at but the bible lays it all out. Thanks for posting that. Lisa... thanks for this blog. I used to go to church just about every Sunday and then I started dating the N. Given it was my fault for allowing my distancing from it. He came to church with me once and poked fun at the service. My mom is very connected to the lord and he met her twice. Both times he barely made any conversastions and hardly looked her in the eyes. I found this very distrubing at the time and now I think it was fear of her seeing through him. Just an interesting thought that came to me. Although in the last month of our relationship, he all of a sudden wanted to start going to church. I'm sure it was a way of manipulating me into thinking he was a good guy. Who knows?!?! So again, thanks for this post because I know God has taken care of me and I've never forgotten him. I feel blessed despite the despair I have experienced and I know this has happened to open my eyes to other things. These things have slowy revealed themselves to me and I'm amazed at the discoveries I'm making about myself. This site is a blessing, you are a blessing and the women on this site are a blessing!!! So thank you!!
Apr 2 - 10PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It was the seeking of the sprituality

That ultimately grounded me...I too am spritual as opposed to "organized religion" and it has helped me understand and release so many things... This is a spritual war within us... Good vs. Evil Light vs. dark lies vs. truth morality vs. immorality love vs. void... Love is essentially the source...
Apr 4 - 11AM (Reply to #1)
spinning's picture

Right on,

Michele...I, too, am trying to tap in. sincerely (still trying to stop) spinning