We Cannot Delete Our Memories

We cannot delete our memories. Narcissists can, but we can't. Besides, as we already discussed, that's no way to live.

It is because we cannot delete our memories that I know many of us can relate to what Shayna's Mommy said in her post today when she wrote about still having thoughts about him even after many years:

"I was having strong guilt feelings about this, because I thought I should be "over it completely" by now, and if I had a shred of dignity I wouldnt waste any more head space on this creep. But now I know thoughts are just random, you won't stop them, and it doesn't mean I'm still "in love" (gak) or jealous (ewww) or pining (spare me) for him. Its just re-processing the past events in my life, just like other memories I revist from time to time."

Exactly! We cannot delete our memories. They are files stored in our brain. We are going to remember these things. Bad memories are fragmented, which makes you think about them more because they are unresolved. They have not been tidily put away for storage in our brain. Therefore, they pop up more for that reason, but that's it. There's no DEEPER MEANING to why we still think of him. Like you SM said, it doesn't mean you're still "in love" (gak) or jealous (ewww) or pining (spare me) for him. LOL

It simply means you're remembering your past, which we all do. It's natural to still think of him. In fact, it would be unnatural if you never thought of him. He was a part of your life. Don't fight the thoughts. They will always be there. Instead, focus on controlling HOW YOU RESPOND to your thoughts. That is what makes the difference.

You're right, your friend is quite wise, SM. She said it perfectly:

"It's ok to revisit places we have been in our lives (in our minds) but don't throw out the anchor and stay there."

And you know what the anchor is? You know what will get you stuck there? If you:

JUDGE OR ANALYZE the thoughts.

The MINUTE you judge or analyze your thoughts is the MINUTE you:


Thoughts are random. They don't define us. We can't control them. They don't mean anything. There's no hidden or deeper meaning behind crazy thoughts or memories.

In fact, some thoughts may even frighten you, but they are nothing more than white noise trying to distract you from having a REAL RELATIONSHIP with yourself.

Trust me. When you engage in obsessive thought, you are subconsciously trying to distract yourself from feeling what you really need to feel.

Instead of falling in that trap and getting stuck or anchored, let the thoughts roll over you and laugh at the random thoughts. If it's a disturbing thought, you must realize this is just your brainwashed mind's way of distracting you from your real self. Tell the disturbing thought to go fu*k off. Tell it you're not going to "play with it" today. That's the key. How you respond to it is what matters.

You either judge the thought, begin to analyze it and therefore, obsess endlessly about it...


You let it roll over you, tell it to fu*k off and get back to the present moment....get back to living your life.

Be in the now. You deserve it. We have one life. This is not a dress rehearsal. Live it.

Jul 30 - 11AM
outoftheashes's picture

Not getting stuck

May 26 - 10AM
bipolarbutton's picture

thank you so much Lisa!

Aug 2 - 5PM
Susan32's picture

Sometimes people get simplistic

There are the sayings, "If someone does you wrong, never remember it. If someone does you good, never forget it" and an article in a Catholic newsletter talked all about the importance of "forgiving and FORGETTING." For Narcs/Psychs, it's possible to forget and NOT remember the wrongs they've done to others. Yet victims are expected to NOT remember the wrongs done to them;cruelly, they are held to a higher standard. Do we expect those boys-who are now men- to "forgive and forget" the abuse they endured at the hands of priests? Do we expect people like Jaycee Dugard to "not remember" the wrong done to her by her captor? It's important you're saying this, Lisa. Traumatic experiences aren't easily deleted. But they can dealt with.