Profile Info

Age Range

50+

My Story

Since 30 years ago NPD was a new diagnosis in that Cluster of personalty disorders, it wasn't well known. We used to say he's conceited or he's mean, self-absorbed, selfish, etc.

Although I wasn't married or engaged to the N, it still was traumatic enough to alter the way that I view people for the rest of my life. I believe the attraction to me was my empathetic nature, a good listener and someone who could be controlled although he resented me being empathic towards anyone other than him. I just didn't understand what was going on, how someone could change so radically overnight after knowing him for months. You don't know which is more heartbreaking-- being dumped or seeing the real person when the mask falls off. But once something like that happens, idealized then devalued and dumped, you just can't believe your eyes that the rug could be pulled so fast and you feel like a used napkin. I was far from perfect, but I just couldn't believe nor understand. Because I was so young and innocent, living in my plastic bubble, I came gift wrapped for the N.
Although the relationship ended at that very point in time, that didn't stop the emotional abuse and the cycling that went on for 4 years--N coming back to rekindle, but I knew it was never going to happen. Since he was someone I was working with, I just couldn't believe the games, controlling behaviors, brainwashing, possessiveness, jealousy, manipulation, etc. that played out in that office with me and all the women that worked there. With me, it was like he wanted to own me like a bird in a cage-- no one can come in and I couldn't leave. Not only did I feel that I was kicked around by N, it felt like it was affecting everyone else I came in contact with, both men and women, because he had spread himself so thin in that office with the women, and I never knew what things were being completely manufactured behind my back and who was being instructed not to talk, look or have any communication with me. The whole office was being manipulated.
When I quit that job, I took an oath that I was going to bury all those memories that ocurred for the whole time I was employed there which I thought was a good idea at the time. Boy was I wrong!!! Repressing memories are never a good idea because one day they are going to come home to roost and that's exactly what happened to me--25 years later. The memories came flooding in every day when the single event that caused the repression to end occurred. My nights were filled with all the nightmares like they were happening all over again.

Gender

Female

History

Member for

48 weeks 4 days