I started keeping a journal after my 1st attempt at divorce, kept believing that he would change one day…
4 years of dating and 23 years of marriag, I found I have been living with a monster ……..
I was employed throughout my marriage. Initially, my husband controlled my finances, but in 2008, I stopped allowing him. My salary went into a joint account, our savings. His money was in his own account. He contributed $300 monthly to the account which stopped gradually. He decided everything, what I should wear, what we should buy etc. He had his butcher shop but I never questioned how much he earned where the money went.
I hoped one day things will change for the better and I would see the person whom I fell in love with loving, kind/faithful/truthful. The first two years of my married life was bliss but then started my nightmare, the lies, womanising, fights, with intermittent honeymoon periods.
Felt I owed him my life for marrying me. Like a stupid fool, I chose to believe him and continued to stay for the occasional scraps of love he threw my way. I soon became addicted to him. I was under his spell and lived in fear of offending him. He used my loyalty and fear to manipulate me.
After his 1st betrayal, I thought if I gave him enough sex, he would not go to another woman.
He joined a major shipping company in 1992 after his butcher business went down. He worked long hours and travelled frequently. Though I was upset by his lone trips didn’t wish to rock the boat. He kept hi earnings private.
July 2008, I overheard him confiding to his close friend and office colleague. He bragged that he could get any woman he set eyes on and brought her to hotels etc and he could “handle his wife very well”, he never got caught! He had become a habitual, womanizer and a ruthless liar. Recently I perceived his true nature; he preyed on lonely women or women undergoing problems. In such situations he becomes the “gallant knight” spending lavishly showing kindness and thus trapping them to do his bidding.
In this sham of a marriage, my only reality are my children.
My initial attampts at escape. 2008, I turned 41 and he 44. My 2nd attempt at Divorce - September 11– why I went to my lawyer again? The emotional abuse that I experienced affected my life in so many negative ways. I could not concentrate on my work, my friends and relatives told me I no longer resembeled the person whom I used to be. I found it hard to find joy in things I used to enjoy, I felt depressed and unhappy most of the time. My physical condition started to deteriorate since I had no energy to take care of myself. I slept little and was not eating enough. I knew I had to leave yet I felt no joy each time I entertained the thought of separating from him.
I felt Lost, needed help, Why now after almost a decade? Older, wiser, bolder (?) or Hysterectomy, pain or the GA had cleared my brain?After tolerating so much abuse I felt he owed me some respect and love.
I was angry, upset and wanted him to treat me with love and respect.
What were the issues?His lies, womanising; His constant need for excitement and change; My fear of abandonment and loneliness; In case of Divorce/Separation What’s going to happen to the children?
Can our families face the humiliation of my divorce?Will society ostracize me and criticize me?
My son did not wish to take sides; he did not wish to make a choice. My daughter probably felt it will end our misery back then but now he has totally brainwashed her.
1985, I was sweet 17 Just fresh out of school. During courtship. He treated me like a priced princess. I was his trophy, educated. He kept finding flaws in my appearance. He groomed me from an ugly duckling into a swan. And I was ready to die for him.
1990 I was 23. My son was born. His business failed. He blamed my son for it.
My son was 8 mth old. I was expecting another baby. I went to scan my baby’s condition. My baby had no heart beat, had a DNC. I was diagnosed with molar pregnancy and that could be cancerous. Doctors did not wish to take any chances. I was subjected to exhaustive tests and medications. My condition was declared safe. God is great.
My husband went to Kelantan to “attend his friend’s wedding”; but I found later it was his own marriage! He was caught entering Thailand illegally. He was imprisoned by the local authorities. We were frantic. In the meanwhile our families, found that he had married a Kelantan woman while in Thailand. At that tender age with a young baby in my hands, I was devastated. Relatives can be cruel at times, some said I was not a good wife, others asked if I gave him enough sex. Is there something wrong with me for him to go to another woman? Why was I not worthy of his love? I felt ugly and tainted and felt very low. He spent 14 days in prison, the men in our family including his brother went down to bail him out. My husband returned to fetch me from my parent’s home, cried and promised he would not do this again. I forgave him. I took my son and went home happily, against my parents wishes. The honeymoon period started.
1992, Pregnant with my daughter. He wanted me to abort her as his business failed. My Doctor persuaded us to keep the baby. My daughter was born on 21 May 1992.
On the eve of her birth while I was still in the post labour ward, he asked me to draft a letter to the Chief of NS police to differ his NS recall. He said the recall was on the day my baby was born, due to her birth, he couldn’t go. I did as told. He went 10 days for “in camp” training, leaving me at my parent’s home after my discharge,. But again this too was a huge lie.
Later I found his “lost” international passport hidden under the car mat, with an immigration stamp to Kelantan and a copy of the marriage certificate hidden under the driver’s seat floor mat. He had gone back to Kelantan again. I confronted him his lie once again I attempted suicide many times. But I couldn’t go through with it as I kept thinking it would bring shame to my family. Then what about our children? Now I had two of them. He promised not to do it.
My husband was angry most of the time. Blissfully, my girl grew up at my in law’s home as I was still working and my son at childcare. My son and I frequently faced the wrath of my husband as my husband blamed him for his bad luck. My daughter dared not go to my husband she was fearful of him. Life continued. I managed to find my husband a part time job at an MNC shipping company.
I thought if we made love enough he would remain faithful. He feigned disinterest. He never kissed me. He goaded my ugliness. His remarks were hurtful and depressing - cannot stand my stretch marks, bad breadth and I was too fat. He showed an aversion to me and my stretch marks due to my pregnancy. He used a sarong to cover my body so that his skin will not touch my marks. Most times he said he was too tired. I became so depressed believing all he said was true. I stayed on for my children’s sake. I buried myself in work, children, home and took up additional studies and turned to GOD.
Between 1993-2001; Many disputes and quarrels about his string of affairs. He constantly played cat and mouse games. He started travelling frequently on the business trips his company was sending him to hand deliver packages to Hongkong, Thailand and Indonesia between 1998 – 2001;
I was stupid enough to believe his excuses, my consolation, so long as I did not catch him with his pants down, our marriage was worth saving. (Actually, come to think of it, I was in denial, the truth was too painful).
My 7 yr daughter called me at the office one day to say that my maid was putting medicine for my husband’s nose in our bedroom! We changed maid shortly. My husband was innocent, it was my maid’s fault.
My sex life was nil, his excuse for not being with me was his fear that he would contract my cancer as the doctors had suspected my molar pregnancy to be one. I focused on my children and their education. My dad came to live with us. I welcomed the distraction.
2001; I was working as Project/Exhibition Administrator and had to travel overseas to arrange seminars and trainings. After my return on one of these trips, he asked me to accompany him to JB. Heated argument over some grocery purchases erupted at Giant JB supermarket over buying some additional tidbits for the kids. On the way home in the car, he punched me in the face.
When we passed the customs, he poured plenty of water down my face so that my dark blue shirt looked wet and the blood stains will not show, he forced my face down to shield my face. My children were aghast at my swollen face, lips and nose, they thought I had met with a road accident. I couldn’t walk he carried me up to the house. My sister and mom urged me to divorce him but I felt I should give him another chance. He was too scared to even bring me to the clinic. My sister brought me to see the doctor.
The honeymoon period started again. Things got better. He showered me with much love and attention and I was happy once again that he loved me after all.
2002; He started walking my children 10 and 12 yrs to school in the mornings.
Soon he was seeing a Filipino maid from across my house. I saw love messages on his cell. My own maid was their messenger. I heard this confirmation from a taped conversation telephone between the two maids. He had promised to marry the Pino maid. The Pino maid promised my maid to be a good boss to her and to increase her salary. As usual my husband was innocent, the Pino maid was guilty. I found the note in his pocket, my husband had exchanged phone numbers with the Pino.
I tapped his office phone msg and heard the Pino’s msg on his voice mail, “I miss u so much msgs!”. I found a photo of the maid sitting half naked wrapped in towel on a bed in a hotel room, in his wallet. I prided my detective work, confronted him. He said the opp maid passed it to him as a sample to pimp her if any of the guys in the office might be interested to bed her.
My husband was innocent, he cannot stand fat women and this Pino was fat. With so much evidence stacked against him, I wanted us to go to counselling. He refused he did not have any problems. I am the one with the problem.
2004, my childrens’s PSLE streaming round the corner, focused my attention on my children I turned a blind eye to all his late nights and long working hours and weekend OTs. I consoled myself I was still his wife and he loved me enough to stay with us.
He continued to go for his Sunday OTs. I threatened to leave him. He conceded by cutting down on his OT. I was satisfied that at least I got my way. My children were happy. We bought a landed house.
I was down with flu, in hospital for over 14 days and took 3 months to recuperate. Subsequently I could not continue in the demanding former work and quit my job. I joined property line and had to network to secure property deals. At first it was frightening but soon things started falling into place and money came in slowly. In the meanwhile, I taught freelance at schools at night, and sold costume jewellery to substantiate the income as my real estate business property was still not steady yet. I had to cover the fixed overhead costs.
My dad was down with cancer. I nursed him through his sickness until he passed away on 15 Dec 04. My husband did the final rites and I was grateful for his thoughtfulness. Throughout the funeral my husband was emotionally distant. I thought he was too distraught but it was only later that I found that he was lapping up all the condolences from his female friends and colleagues at the office. Turning on tears at his whim.
I was depressed and anxious, wasn’t my usual active self, had to drag myself from bed and was afraid of housework and cooking. I was amazed why I was feeling such.
Between 2005-2006 He continued his long hours. He sometimes asked us to pick him after work since I started using the car for my property work.
He said his company had issued him a warning letter, for bringing us to his office (but it was only in 2007 I found it was a different story!!
He wanted to set up a bridal shop with a family member and I learnt that they secretly communicated, and finally he was terminated from the Fedex after they caught him in the act among other things. Management had been monitoring his movements and had secretly planted spy cameras.
Year 2006-2007; We started to have bad clashes again, I went to see Soraya but dropped it as my son said he would leave if we divorced.
My husband said he couldn’t cope with financial burden of the house without my income.
We sold our private property and moved back to HDB. My children and I were very upset about this. However, we consoled ourselves this was for the best. It took a while to readjust back to HDB life, we were loan free, we grew closer to the children due to smaller space.
Year 2007, September my birthday; he used to give me gifts in the past, but not this time. I was hurt. I blamed myself. Is it because I was not working, there was no reward? I asked him and he said he had lost interest! Great! But it was only later that I found that he was chasing his brother’s wife.
16 September – he was suspended from work and subsequently terminated for various transgressions. (Throughout his work at Fedex, I was helping him with his emails, powerpoint slides and spreadsheets so that he could look good with his employers).
He refused to show me his termination letters. It bothered me greatly that he was lying again and I was left wondering what was so bad that he couldn’t show me. I threatened to leave him. He was very down and said he would only come home if I promised to stay. I felt bad thinking I shouldn’t leave him at his lowest. So I agreed. Finally he showed up, meek and showed me portions of the letter after inking out the email address and names of parties. I was numb. It was happening again. Why am I not surprised?!!
Life continued. We discovered my daughter had a heart condition, a birth defect – MVP (Mitral Valve Prolapse). When my woes started, it didn’t rain, it poured!!
My husband wanted a break to see his step family in India. I felt sorry for him. God had dealt his ego a major blow by taking away his job.
Year 2008, He was jobless for a whole year. My property income kept us going. Major quarrels erupted. He kept goading me about my ugliness, highlighting my shortcomings, that I would not survive without him and I his transgressions. It was unpleasant.
Through God’s blessing I secured a permanent office job while still engaged in my other income making deals over the weekends to escape the fights.
He issued me a proposition, he will drive taxi 3 nights a week only, earning $1500/= per mth; I top up $1000/= from my salary for our family expense. I now had a healthy real estate and he helped me with appointments while I secured and closed deals. Money started to flow in. He demanded all agency income be given to him including the $1000 from my salary. He threatened to move out.
Though initially I conceded (for two months), I stopped giving my salary; only gave him the commission from my property transactions. To date I had given him over $25,000 between Nov’07 and Aug’08 this year. I transferred all my income to another account. I held our joint account book. He became upset.
He started pushing all the big ticket items under my expense and tried to persuade me to invest in various business ventures with his friends.
I went for an operation on 13 Aug. I was discharged on 16 Aug with MC for a month but I went back to work after 4 days.
I did not have the chance to transfer the funds to him.
September, my birthday came and went but still no gift. He must hate me so much. I wanted to see what he did if I delayed payment further. He got very angry. We quarrelled daily. He threatened to move out. 8 September, he asked me about the money again. I told him I wished to quit my job and take over doing the property and suggested he returned back to a full time job. He exploded. He spat at me and said that my money was nothing to him as he was used to earning much more. I shouted back that he did not spend it on me. He said I will not survive without him and will not be able to manage my family. That I was nothing before he married me. I threatened divorce and he goaded me on to expedite. We stopped talking to each other.
I went to see my lawyer on September 11. She saw I was in very bad shape just out of hospital and my stitches barely healed. Meanwhile, I found out he was using two sim cards one for family and the other for friends and a message on his phone from a woman “What r your feelings for me now?”. I confronted him. His excuse, he gave her a free ride home in his taxi. I called in my sister to speak to him. She persuaded me to be patient. He bought my sister a pair of gold earrings for helping us patch up! Soon things started to get better between us.
I regretted seeing a Divorce lawyer. I destroyed all the evidence that I had prepared to handover to the lawyer, the tape recordings, the doctor’s report of my bashing. Thinking I will have no need of them in future. The down time after the fight was calm and quiet. He became civil I wanted to stop playing detective. He complimented me.
Even though I attempted divorce twice. I felt I couldn’t have carried out my threats ‘cos I loved my family too much. I would never hurt them or their future. I took the wait and see approach.
December My lawyer closed her files and sent me a notice. My N saw this but did not say anything. I was fearful that he would retaliate as he had a violent temper. My husband did not ask me anything about this. Surprisingly he bought me a watch, a belated birthday gift. The honey moon period started and he was super nice.
I suffered a major stroke on 27 December 2008! Just after Christmas, hectic, office work, demanding boss playing detective to my husband’s transgressions. I think it was all my brain could take. I gave up! I died on 28 December 2008.
Jan 16 2009 , I opened my eyes on 6 January 2009. I heard that I was in a coma for a number of days and had a craniotomy to remove the clots in my head. I was discharged after therapy on 16 January 2009. My friends and family were very concerned for my health,
My company wanted me to return to work asap. I was grateful and returned to work (17/1/09 ) the next day, to test my memory and ensure my work was completed. I went to office every Monday, Wednesday and Friday even though I was on Medical leave for the next 42 days. I was worried that I may loose my job. What if my company thought I was retarded due to the stroke? Initially my working speed was painfully slow, my speech and pronunciation were slurred I was barely decipherable. I covered my shaved head (due to the craniotomy) with a bandana, my facial muscles were drooping on the left side of my face . My hefty medical bills were partially paid by my office insurance, medisave and savings.
My husband showered me with much love and care. He was overly protective, barely leaving me out of his sight. Waiting patiently for me to complete my work at the office. Luckily I was employed, my husband reformed, a great miracle in God’s name, God is great. Though I struggled a great deal to recover from the little difficulties, felt blessed to have my family and job in tact. Though my motor skills returned I became very fearful of going out alone except to and from work.
My stroke had robbed be of my past confidence, I felt I can’t live without my husband. I have a scar on my brain/skull/stomach, a stammer when I become anxious, less pretty but grateful to be alive. July 2010, Doctors found two holes in my heart which was the probable cause of my stroke. Doctor plugged the holes, with a new non- invasive procedure on 16 July 2010. I felt so grateful. God saved my life again. My husband changed overnight, he started to become cruel and abusive again, now that I was fully mended. His temper tantrums started again, when he got mad he screamed, threw abuses and cursed me horribly. My self esteem dropped to level 0. UPON REFLECTION I REALISE WHAT HAD HAPPENED I HAD MANAGED TO ROB HIM OF THE EMPATHY AND PITY THAT HE WAS GETTING FROM ALL MY FRIENDS AND WELL WISHES.
He started complaining incessantly of my snoring and wanted me to go to bed after 10.00 pm as he needed to wake up early the next day. I found he was secretly speaking to ladies in the night. BUT IT WAS ONLY RECENTLY THAT I CAME TO KNOW THAT HE HAD MANAGED TO ALLURE THE THE NURSE WHO TREATED ME AT THE HOSPITAL DURING MY STROKE AND WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER!. he had started spending lavishly by squirreling money and gifts, gold jewellery to India to show how rich he is. He maintained a separate secret account which he spent on the ladies. It seems that he has been maintaining a double life. One as respectable family man and the other a fun loving womaniser.
September 2010, whenever I questioned his movements and motives, he said I had no rights, he is not my husband that he was only my guardian and father to the children. Threw vulgarities at me, threatened to hit me and threatened to divorce me. But would buy home a packet of food after every fight to placate me.
He went to India on 07 September on the pretext of seeing his uncle but actually had gone to see certain lady friends. After his return he started to pick fights with me about my past visits to my lawyer. He sms me a talak (divorce) message and even mocked me when I did not react.
In one of our discussions he gloated he had consulted a shaman who said I was bad and could shut me up!
He kept his cell glued to him under the pillow, in his sarong, in the toilet, never out of his sight. He was using two cell numbers one for us and one for his private friends. He complained his live was hell with me.
01/02/11 SMS threat to leave me. 10/2 he threatened to go to India on a one way trip on 10/2. Finally he left for India on 12 Feb 11 but I did not know where or when he would return. His excuse this time was business which was supposed to pay him $100 per day. On the day he was supposed to return to Singapore 16/2 he called at 12:51 claiming to have missed the flight. I listened quietly, hung up at the end of the conversation without a word. I did not believe a single word he said
Mar 2011, he broke my heart again. But I did not show him my weakness as he seemed to enjoy hurting me.
When he returned home, I prayed for guidance and decided to have the courage to stand up to him. I am going to ignore him. He tried calling me but I ignored him. Perhaps I should start living my own life. This is when I saw all hell break loose when he started to accuse me unnecessarily. He sent me a divorce sms citing my disobedience as reason for his decision, he became very arrogant. It became too much for me to bear. I did not reveal how much hurt he was causing me. He accused me of being crazy, he twisted every situation to suit his purpose.
I had fits in the wee hours of the morning at 1.30 am on 16/03.
23 May 2011, I saw his credit card receipts for jewellery and parcel services. He had telephone numbers to many women in India. He complained he was short of money and asked me to handle the household expenses. I blew my top and confronted him about my findings but I did not reveal the source of investigations. In the meanwhile he had started drinking as well.
My Mom in law (MIL) went to India for 1 month but returned within 10 days. Why? She was shamed and shocked to the core. My husband’s past 2 trips and his philandering had become the talk of the whole village. It is sad to note how much hurt he has caused the woman who had given him life and to the woman who had borne him his children. My MIL issued him an ultimatum to change his ways.
Again my husband was innocent, the villagers had created fictitious stories about him. He was very angry for having been found out about his wrong doings. He quickly turned the table on his own mom and told his mum to think that he eldest son is dead. My poor MIL was heartbroken and in a fit of anger broke ties with him.
June 2011, I kept my peace after learning all the sordid details of the happenings in India from my MIL. I felt sorry for my MIL and my husband. God had dealt him another blow to his ego by removing his mom’s love from him. I am the only one left.
July 2011, I realized on 7 July while surfing the net on cheating husbands; what the real problem was. He is a narcissist. Narcissism is a term that refers to a certain kind of a personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD) and a narcissist is a person suffering of this disorder. These "victims of narcissists" are often depressed and anxious and they often blame themselves of the problems in their relationship. Like me!
Personality traits of a narcissist:
In order to "qualify" as a narcissist, a person must meet some or all of the below criteria:
Inability to empathy
Expects special treatment
Feeling of entitlement
Inability to admit that he or she is wrong
Inability to receive criticism
Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behaviour of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist
Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual.
Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug. Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back)
In the beginning of the relationship idealizes one's partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love. However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become cold and uncaring, even cruel.
Is often untruthful and due to this often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge "crime").
Unable to empathise with the cheated partner (narcissistic supply).
The website on narcissist very clearly describes and defines my husband . I feel so sad that I subjected my babies to this monster father because of my in ability to pull out from this relationship. Am I weak? I am in denial. A narcissist, often targets intelligent, beautiful, strong, high achieving women who will feed his narcissist appetite of the chase. The website narrates narcissist don’t take PARTNERS they take PRISONERS! “The very funny part is that I know better. Nobody can tell me that staying with him is the right thing to do yet that is what I keep fighting for…”
2011, unfortunately my daughter has been brain washed into being one of his NS! She believes the world of him and thinks he is incapable of any wrongdoing (like I once worshipped him). He has instigated her so much she has turned against me. He has managed to poison my friends and family sister against me by saying that I have lost my marbles after the stroke. He has been misquoting his new mistress views to misdiagnose me…. I felt so relieved after finding Lisa E Scott’s blog “ITS ALL ABOUT HIM” and validated myself that I was not going crazy after all!
GOD WORKS HIS MIRACLES IN MANY WONDERFUL WAYS.