I'm glad I found this website. It's one thing to read symptoms and signs of N but the real stories from real people was the deciding factor in my "wake up" call.
I'm embarrassed and so ashamed of this but know I have to get it out of my system. As other's have written, I always want to see the good in people.
Last October, a guy I knew in high school contacted me via Facebook. We started to connect right at the end of school. Funny how I look back. He called to ask me out. Not sure if we had a concrete date/time but it never materialized as he blew me off. Then 2 months later, he wrote to me in college (he was in the army) and we reconnected. Then the letters stopped coming and I heard through a mutual friend he had gotten married (6-8 months after writing me letters?) He told me that he got married since he didn't want to deploy overseas alone. Wow...that's romantic.
So...present day. He is recently divorced Fall 2009. (25 years of marriage, 2 girls.) After a couple of email notes he started to call me. (He lives 6 hours away from me but I am in his hometown.) That should have been my clue, as well. I am married (the part I'm most ashamed of) but, even then, folks I've reconnected with on Facebook haven't called me. So....we started talking by phone, email, text, etc. It just escalated so quickly. I had been in an emotionally distant and sexless marriage (years and years). The attention was intoxicating. Funny, this guy isn't even attractive. Barely 5' 7" and shaves his head and eyebrows. But the attention he gave me.... I remember feeling an addiction towards him.
I want to share some of the things he told me. I knew being long distance, compartmentalized and married was so safe for him to share his life. Here are some things that he said that I thought were weird at the time but now it all makes sense in the "N" world.
He travels for work about 50% of the time to thet same place. He met his girlfriend who works at the same place and stays in the same hotel this way. He would tell me over and over that she was an attorney and she was black. (We are white.) He was so enamored by her accomplishment for her "race". (Disgusting) He said his dad was impressed. He told me that she didn't like him at first but obviously does now. After having been with her for several months he said the sexual "spark" was gone. He said after sex he wanted her to leave his hotel room and was annoyed when she didn't.
Then he started telling me about the women he was dating at home. How he was supposed to meet one woman he slept with on their first date and he didn't meet her as planned and she was furious. He told me he texted her "sorry". That was it. How another woman drove over to his place and yelled at him (he said he didn't deserve it...he didn't he do wrong). He talked about a woman I think he loved that he was with while he was still married but she went back to her husband. He had a woman at work that chewed him out (he called me for sympathy) and she told him it was over. He said she already had pictures of her "new" guy at her desk and was bothered by that. He claimed that he was "just dating" and everyone knew that but one time when I texted him when he was with his girlfriend he didn't respond and told me later it "wasn't that simple". Then I realized she had no clue as to all of these other women (let alone me).
We met at Christmas, had drinks, and slept together. I was hoping for affection, warmth, tenderness. OMG....As soon as we got to the hotel his personality changed and he dominated me. Forced me to perform oral sex, asked twice for anal sex (I wouldn't do it), lasted forever and eventually pulled out of me (sorry for TMI) and jacked off and ejaculated on me. He laid down, didn't hold me, I tried to kiss him...no tenderness afterward. He was distracted, said we had to leave, and so we did. (Prior to this, I hadn't had "porn" sex and also hadn't been with a man who was "erect" but said I had to "blow him" so he could get hard??? After he ejaculated, he was still erect. I assume he was on pills.)
Afterwards I was ashamed and thought I'd never hear from him. Well, he continued to text and call and my own moment of truth came when he texted me New Year's Eve from his girlfriend's home (he flew to go there). I thought "why on earth would you not give her your full attention"? Then the contact slowed down -- I wouldn't initiate calls, emails, texts. (I knew he was seeing someone in his home town as he told me about their date the night before he and I were together.) When he did call, I felt this weird "energy sucking" feeling. As I was growing away from him (thank God) I could sense his soul was like a "black hole". Not sure how else to explain the feeling / sense. I didn't like who I was with him and I felt like every call he "took" another piece of my energy / soul. Know what I mean? I knew I had to end it. When I send an email, he texted me really pissed (I had only seen him angry the night we were together when I balked / refused some of his sexual requests). I thought we were done.
Two weeks later he emailed me and said he didn't mean to be rude...blah blah....
In the meantime, I've talked to my husband, am in marriage counseling since January, and my marriage has significantly improved and is on solid ground again.
All along I couldn't understand why he was perpetually unfaithful in his marriage (couldn't stop) and continued to date so many women while having a girlfriend. I now get the whole "supply" thing.
I've read about this whole hoover thing...he has my yearbook and won't mail it. Says he'll bring it in June. I want it back but so many of you say to let it go. I know now he's keeping it to try to see me again.
No contact is the only way I've started to heal....