Met my "N", July of 2009. The evening we met there was a violent drunk harrassing me at a casino in Wendover, NV. Being the strong woman I thought I was at the time, I stuck up for myself very well. However "N" took it upon himself to be the "Hero" and put the guy in his place. So we hung out together the rest of the evening and at that point I was thinking, "He could be a good friend."
Wasn't feeling anything romantic at the time, just thought he was a "nice guy". Something, (my gut instinct) told me that very night "Don't let him play the hero"! Keep your eyes open!" Well, I ignored the very first red flag! ;) Anyway, we continued to hangout after that night. He wined and dined me and spent exessive amounts of money on me. He impressed me with his career as an E7 ranked Army National Guard Recruiter (LOL! That should have been my second red flag!)I'd always been skeptical of military men and ego issues. Anyway, "N" was ten years older than me, and with a "successful career" amongst many other "qualities", charmed the socks off me. He'd send flowers to my work ((only after a disagreement of course, but none of my co-workers knew that)). My co-workers and family thought that I'd landed just a wonderful man! Oh he has three children and he acted like he was "father of the century". He played it off super well and ewww ick, I bought it!!
He had me convinced that BOTH of his ex wives "had serious issues", "were crazy", "volatile", etc etc. He was sure to create much distance between the exes and me. (I know now it was to prevent having us share notes.)
I very soon found myself in a sexual relationship with him. Well it all happened SO fast! We were sleeping together within a matter of days (Yes my bad, but they ARE seductive lil Effers aren't they!).
After maybe a month or two of dating I started to see some seemingly odd behaviors in him, but didn't read too much in to it. He didn't seem to have any real friends (typical of a narcissist).
Well he has ONE friend who I'd be willing to bet is an "N" himself. This married "friend" of his, (I learned later) had been having a 6 year extra-marital affair with a woman and spending mass amounts of money on her. I asked my "N" how he could be friends with such a person! He brushed it off with:
"My friend is a nice guy. He'd do anything for anyone. He's just no longer in love with his wife. He plans to divorce her once he's able to protect his assets and finances. But I myself don't cheat on women."
Naturally, I ignored THAT red flag. HELLO! And the rest of his so-called friends are only co-workers and superiors (his fan base) of whom he has a completely superficial relationships with. They only see the persona which my "N" has created to make him look like the most amazing employee of all time. They think he's a freakin Rock Star.
Anyway, feeling like we needed a social life, I'd start to invite him out with my friends. But EVERY time we'd be out with my friends, he'd purposely pick a fight with me so that I'd feel totally uncomfortable around my friends. It felt so ackward because I didn't want my friends to know we were fighting, So I'd just want to go home. Going home early in the evening, of course was his goal. You see, the bottom line was, he saw the friends as competition. He couldn't handle not being the center of attention, and not having me all to himself. I love my friends and have always had such a great time with them. I guess he felt he was being ignored when we were with them. How dare the center of attention be on me and not HIM!
There were times when if we had a disagreement he would literally throw a temper tantrum. To me it resembled how a child would have reacted when not getting what they want. The red flags were there but, I guess I chose to ignore every single one of them. I thought that the good in him surely outweighed the bad and that these were all things we could work through.
About six months in to the relationship he took me on a romantic vacation to Hawaii. He took me to San Diego shortly thereafter. He took me on a couple of business trips with him. But we'd have some big fight on every vacation!! Naturally, I brushed it off each time, thinking that I must be lacking communication skills and rationalizing that things would get better. He'd always say that we were just two very strong minded, stubborn people, so we just bump heads a lot". I thought, Yeah that's all it is.
Well 13 months in to the relationship I was so brainwashed, I'm actually ashamed to say now, but I PROPOSED TO HIM! I had sworn up and down that after three failed marriages I'd never marry again. I had even expressed this to him numerous times. Well I guess as an "N" he is good at what he does. REALLY good! Infact his career specialty is MARKETING (go figure)! Ha! I could swear he somehow brainwashed me in to proposing marriage to HIM! We were married 8/27/2010, 13 months after meeting.
September (the very next month), I lost my fulltime job which had been my career for 16 years. Well, my "sweet charming husband" told me not to rush out and get a new job and that I deserved a break for awhile. Hmmmm. In hindsight I can see that this was the PERFECT timing and opportunity to steal away every ounce of my independence(just one month after tying the knot!). How perfect for him!! I didn't see it then of course. I saw it as having a sweet husband who thought I deserved a break.
Soon, I was clueless about "our" finances because I wasn't making my own money anymore and he paid all the bills. He didn't see any reason for me to have access to the bank account as "he would take care of things and he would take care of ME". He took care of me alright. By November,(two months after losing my job)I had fallen in to a deep depression and remained that way all winter long. I wouldn't leave the house unless I absolutely had to. I gained about 30 pounds. Instead of being sympathetic, he seemed SO annoyed and insensitive about my depression!
He would become SO irritated when I'd cry over a fight. He'd tell me to shutup and quit crying and that women just use crying as a manipulation. (uh what????)He did however finally encouraged me to seek help from the doctor. Surely I was defective and needed medication. This is what any Narcissist would have their significant other believe. It gives them the ultimate power! I finally got on some good anti-depressants and just as spring rolled around I started feeling much better.
Well I guess my "N" couldn't have that! ME feeling better was very bad for HIM. Things between us suddenly took a turn for the worse. He was constantly demeaning and insulting me, but usually in a "joking" or sarcastic manner. He is the very insidious type and very subtle with his putdowns.
The house was NEVER clean enough which was a constant complaint. He was never satisfied with anything I did. He never gave me credit for my cooking (and yes,I cooked for him every night). I would ask him if it was good and he'd say, "it's okay", then the look on his face seemed to say, he felt obligated to eat it as a polite gesture. But oh boy! When ever he cooked it was SO DELICIOUS, he thought he was the next "Wolfgang Puck". LOL. He even had me convinced that his cooking was far better than mine! Ugh, what a douche!!!!
As things progressed, we never seemed to have much to talk about anymore. We'd just sit there silently and watch TV....unless of course he felt the need to tell me how wonderful work was going and what a hero he was to his team and how everybody at work bowed down to him. He was constantly getting "raving reviews" from the higer-ups. So yeah, If we could talk about that in the evenings, then the conversation was ON. I felt it was pointless to say much about me because he'd fake being interested. I'd just praise him for his boasts of the day and turn back to the TV.
If I'd ever express an opinion he couldn't agree with, he'd get pissy. I'd question why he was SO angry, and then, ooh boy, the fight was ON! He'd bget enraged, and very sarcastic, insult everything about me. Then if I had anything to say he'd refuse to listed. He'd suddenly become very "tired" and go to the bedroom, or just say "I'm out of here!" and storm out the door. If I were smart I would have just said "Oh hey! Would ya get some pizza while you're out? Oh and maybe some CRAZY bread while you're at it?" Haha.
One of his favorite comments was "Oh, you know it all K, don't you! You just know it all!!", Or "Oh You've just got it all figured out don't you". Oh and another one, "Cut the phsyco-analytical bullshit K. "I'm tired of being criticized". OR, "You are acting so insecure!"
Hmmmm does any of this sound familiar to anyone else here? TOTAL PROJECTION!!
So, this was the usual fight and then afterward always came the SILENT TREATMENT. His specialty would be to leave for a couple hours, ignore my texts and calls, then later come back as if nothing EVER happened. Oh and there were no flowers or apologies any more. Haha. He no longer needed to woo me, AND he knew that the silent treatment drove me absolutely crazy!
Well...my self-esteem was finally at it's lowest as of about mid December. I finally felt I needed some answers. The whole marriage felt wrong wrong wrong!! I'd never experienced some of the feelings, and never had my self esteem been SO crushed.
Was I going crazy? What was happening to us? To me?? Was there something I could do to soothe his constant anger? Being a spiritual person, I got down on my knees and prayed to my higher power, pleading for answers.
I then started to research about marriage, communication issues, depression (mainly looking for MY flaws of course). Well soon these searches led to personality disorders and topics of verbal abuse.
**As I read on about verbal abuse my jaw dropped to the floor through most of the book. I couldn't believe what I was reading, as every single aspect seemed to point toward our relationship. It hit me like a ton of bricks. This is what's been happening to me!
Around the same time I discovered (long story how) that my husband had been gratifying his needs with porn (which explained the true reason of why he often needed Cialis or Viagra in order to have sex with me). I can laugh about it now because it's so pathetic. The most disturbing part was catching him in the act of "whackin". It was so disgusting. His ex-wife then confirmed to me that he'd been addicted to porn for years. It was taking place in THEIR marriage which ended about TWELVE YEARS AGO and she'd hoped he dealt with the problem by now. So I can imagine this has been a life long addiction.
I finally decided to seek counseling and talk about all that I suspected was going on. The counselor confirmed that I was being verbally/emotionally abused. I wasn't crazy!! As the counselor and I met the next couple of times, he had commented that their seemed to be some signs of Narcissism.
Well I went home and researched Narcissism and as I read, I about wanted to throw up. I literally felt sick to my stomach as every single trait was my husband! My husband has *Narcissistic Personality Disorder!
I can now say, I AM A VICTIM OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE! After making this discoverey I suddenly felt the biggest weight lift off my shoulders. I felt so free, yet at the same time so trapped. Infact I recently had a dream that I was kidnapped and held hostage. The dream was like no dream I'd experienced before, so I immediately went to the a dream interpreting website and my dream interpreted as "feeling trapped" which made total sense.
Well here I am today in a marriage(was when I first wrote my story, haha)with a narcissist who doesn't give a damn about me. He's in love with himself and his porn, yet the outside world still sees this charming, successful, charismatic, confident man. Only my counselor and I know the real truth of the situation. And my new allies, the two ex-wives! One of them has actually become a dear friend of mine.
Just KICKED HIM TO THE CURB Friday January 27th! I'm already feeling I have some control back. Now in comparing notes with the two ex-wives we've uncovered massive lies. Ugh, again sick to my stomach.
Living with him was like hell on earth. Boy did this "man" have me snowed!! So yep, that's my story of living with a Narc. I realize my story is a lot to read. If you have read it, I hope you'll see things you can relate to.
Still just barely getting the concept of NC. That will be my next challenge, but I believe I conquered the biggest one so far. I have my freedom and my personality back!