so i am feeling like ive went "mental" all over again.
Following a break up or "dumping" by my ex for the numerous time i decided to have some counselling to try and see my part in things and look at my own behaviours with regards to making changes. This appeared to bring up some questions i found difficult to identify with and brought up various emotions that i struggled with. I had questioned by part and my personality as in what is it about me that makes things so difficult to maintain a relationship? why cant i have a normal relationship? why am i needy and cant let go of this person despite what has happened? i have been thinking maybe i have borderline traits or codependency traits and questioning whether all of this may have actually been my fault and not his.
I asked to met up with him to discuss what i was thinking etc and to apologise for my part in things as i have to "pushed and pulled" because i didnt want to be hurt as i was from previous situations. When i told him he agreed and stated he thought this years ago, although he did state that i see things too "black and white" I began to get upset and went to the toilet on the way back looking over his shoulder to see him texting "sarah" which he was doing during our time together. I asked if he was with anybody else he replied no and she was asking him to arrange "private tickets to a bar where he knew the owner"
I for a split second believed it and thought its none of my business. Basically i followed him around attempting to talk to him about "us" etc to which he stated "he didnt want to talk about us ever, and that i wasnt there for him when he needed me, and i was getting annoyed as i wasnt getting my own way"
He also stated he would count to 10 and we both had to walk opposite ways which at this point i walked away.
I feel so angry at myself that i have put myself in this position again. That i have begged him again thinking that me seeing the error of my ways may have made a difference to the current situation. He also stated that he thinks "he made me this way" whispering it in my ear and giving this as a reason why we cant be together. He stated he hasnt given anybody else a chance over the past 9 years as he has always loved me (although i know he has had various short relationships and dates) and feels he needs to just get over me forever....
How do i get over this feeling of pouring my heart out only to be stamped on?! the feeling of humiliation and anger?!?
abandonment and rejection all over again??!
I have basically when along and said ..
" i think im mental and that i have treated you badly, i know where i went wrong please give me another chance to make things different.... to which he has replied " i thought this a long time ago, i can only face so much rejection before i walk away for good, i need to get over you BYE"...!!