help. will he change with his new girlfriend, was it just me he is this way with ?

cant smile without you's picture

for five years we have been on and off. He beat me abused me gave me love gave me everything he was my whole life and he knew it. every friend and family memeber abandoned me becasue they could not me waste away to nothing with him. now i am alone, all alone with three older kids from my first marraige of which i left mt husband now my ex husband for this body bulider waste of a man that i still love. I have been NC for 1 week we broke up early jan allthough he is now with the new girl he was cheating on me with. he has cheated and lied with others throughout our entire relationship. today by total accident i saw him as a possible person i may know on fb. there he is in his profile picture with his new girlfriend in his kitchen both smiling so happily. he said the end was my fault and he loves her becasue she accepts him for all he is no nagging no moaning no distrust. i hurt, i hurt so much i knew he was with her but he even lied about her and said the person he is with now isnt the one i caught him red handed with. but i saw her that night and i saw the picture to day. finding it so hard not to contact and reveal the lies i know but i know he'll just call me the looser whore again that he did before. last week he told me i would always be his baby girl and looks body ect wise she is not a patch on me. he sent an email asking if i wanted him to call me i havent replied to it and im trying so hard not to. but he has totaly forgotten me and erased five years of his life with me like im nothing. will he change now he has someone he really loves. i was never allowed even as a friend on his fb or on his body building blog website. i guess i just want acknowledgement that i exsisted to him. all these sites and people say they come back, but he isnt and he wont. i will never see or hear from him again, he cuts everyone off like this even family and all pasty girlfriends hes 53 so he knows he needs to find 'the one' soon. he told me so. i nursed him when he was in hospital every day all day neglecting my kids to help him get better as soon as he was back on his feet he went straight back to the gym and hooked up with his ex that he was two timing me with the first time round and moved to spain with her, till she left him and he came back to me. this time and this girl is different he has fallen in love and he will never come back. i am nothing and noone and i just want one bloody email or text even a usual nasty one so i know that i DO really exist.....in a real mess and a dark bad place

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Goldie's picture

Hi Can't Smile

You are bringing up many aspects of a NPD here. The first one do they love? No PD's are incapable of loving another and live through securing supply through others as would a vampire or a leech. Will he change for her? No absolutely not.

Towards the end of my relationship with my drug addicted, violent, compulsive liar, narcissistic psychopath I was a nagging, screaming, miserable witch from hell. I checked his phone, computer, car, and anything else I could find. I was a certified junior detective and was going to get to the bottom of his lying once and for all. He had nearly destroyed my life and I wanted answers. I was convinced that he was cheating on me and I was going to find the evidence one way or another if it killed me. He gave me all the reasons in the world to hate him and leave him for good and yet for some incredible reason I just kept hanging on. He went to jail for stealing, hitting me, and destroying my house with his violence. He came out of jail a "changed" man. No more violence, no more yelling, and all was going to be better. I took him back in less than a month and within days he was lying and sneaking around again. He was on drugs most likely the day he got out of jail.

I was trained in working with others and had years of experience under my belt and still, I believed him.....WHY....because I wanted to prove something to myself. Something that had been inside of me for years. This deep seated almost buried feeling that I was not good enough.

WHY???

I was intelligent, had great friends, a wonderful son, and had everything going for me, EXCEPT that one little chink in my armor. I did not feel good enough with men.

???

In my case it was a no brainer, my father was a N/P as well and he had planted seeds in me with some deep roots.

I could not see it, I could not feel it but it was there just waiting to resurface when the "right" man came along to bring it all back into the forefront.

M came into my life 3 years ago and all that I had worked for so hard in my life went right out the window. I was back in the clutches of the devil himself. My father had come back into my life in the form of M and now I had to look at what had happened to me as a child. I had to face MY demons and why I was allowing this man to take take take and nearly destroy me.

I began to research PD's again, even though I knew all about them intellectually, I did not know anything about them emotionally. I was STILL that scared little girl desperately looking for Daddy's approval. This man was like him in many ways and I got hooked, sucked into his world of rage, hate, control, and manipulation and needed help fast.

The first thing I learned was that this was not my fault, I learned that inside of me, in my emotions not just in my head. They are sick and disordered and they blame others for their dysfunction.

They do not not not love anyone. Not you; not the OW. The are incapable of love and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did not cause this; you did not create this. They were sick long before you came along and will be sick long after you are gone.

You said it yourself, he has a long history of discarding women and this one will be nothing different. He will be blaming her soon enough because this is what they do.

He had brainwashed you into thinking that you are no good and this is your fault and this is not true.

You feel at your lowest right now because he is "acting" like everything is different and better with her. Not the case it just looks that way to you right now because you are in so much pain.

I sent you a PM and look forward to talking with you more about this. You are no longer alone, my dear, you have us now, and together we can do what we cannot do alone.

Alone this has been a mountain for you and he has weakened you temporarily.

I am not with my abuser anymore and I have my life back and he is no longer my concern.

You may not feel any of this right this moment yet in time as you begin to unravel and sort out your thoughts and feelings you WILL eventually begin to see him for what he is, a sick man.

I will wait to hear back from you and discuss this with you further.

God bless,
Goldie