The Sex Addicted Narcissist

Goldie's picture

Sometimes YOU are the last to know. Or you sense it, yet have no proof. Or you know it, yet choose to stay in denial. Or you find out and he promises to stop or change. Not likely in this life time.

Is your narcissist a sex addict and you don't know it or are in denial?

My narcissist never cheated on me is a common war cry on here.

Are you sure about this?

You don't need to SEE it happening to make it true.

Many narcissists are clever with keeping their sex addiction from you.

Often, you are the last to know.

Others can see it, yet you may not want or choose to see it.

If he's a narcissist and he is starting fights to get away, going somewhere to sulk, lying and keeping secrets. He IS cheating on you.

Stop kidding yourself.

Narcissists do not take off to ponder the relationship. They take off to be with other supply.

Matt almost had me convinced it was about the drugs. I'll never cheat on you baby. I love you. You are my everything and so on....

Fat chance.

Narcissists require supply. Narcissist like new unsuspecting supply. Narcissists crave adoration. Narcissists whether somatic or cerebral are the same in this respect. It's all about supply.

One of the reasons we deny their cheating is because for many this is a deal breaker and if we pretend our deal breakers have not been compromised we have an excuse to go back.

If you know he cheats on you and you think he is going to stop you are only fooling yourself. If he does it once he will do it again. He will simply become better at hiding it from you.

I know all the tricks now, after all, I've listened to thousands of them.

If you think he's cheating or you fear he's cheating. He's cheating. This is what narcissists do.

It was only an emotional affair, my ass.

Take off the rose colored glasses my dears.

We call it dupers delight. They enjoy keeping you confused and in a continuous state of spinning, pain, and confusion. It amuses them to watch you suffer.

The truth is what sets us free. Denial keeps us stuck.

I had a dream one night. I was with Matt. We were in Italy and he grabbed this young blond girl in a sexual way. Not rough just like a come on, it was weird, right in front of me like I wasn't there. She did not speak English to him. She was small and attractive, yet had a nose like a hawk so I started saying caw caw caw, after she left, and had walked away. My defense's kicked in.

I confronted him and he said, so what. I ran into to her later and she talked to me in English and came on to me herself. She was a hooker but preferred women and just used men for sex. She had no interest in him aside from money and was just as detached about the subject as he was towards me. As though, this is just business, I'm no threat to you. I don't care about these guys type of thing. She put me at ease. I could feel that there was no need to be jealous because she was just using him as he used me. Later I found a note he was going to send to her offering her money and saying you only have to talk with me the first time and after that we'll never have to talk again (he was completely obsessed with her after the one encounter ) just have sex, it was a long note with all the details of what he wanted her to do to with him. No matter how much I tried to talk with him about it, he was like, so what. He did not care, he just wanted her and I was expected to put up with it. It was no big deal to him and his attitude was, what's your problem? I'll take drugs, I'll have sex whenever I want and you will be my gf and just shut up about it. Completely detached from any feeling or empathy regarding my distress.

I woke up feeling free. I had finally completely seen him with his mask down and he was all about the sex with prostitutes and drugs and I was simply a seat filler. No more than that. Your role is to keep me company when I have nothing better to do, and keep your mouth shut otherwise. I will do as I please and that is that. I know I got this intellectually, yet the dream completely spelled it out step by step point by point. There was no confusion when I woke up. Just, I see, you are a shell and you use people and there is zero feeling about it. It was my father as well. That is exactly how he was. Matt represented my father. I totally got it on an emotional level.

I always knew Matt was no good on many levels, the difference here was that I could see it and feel it at the same time. All the research about sex addiction, running into his brothel buddy telling me the truth, the dreams, and bingo. He's not Matt the man I loved, he is a hollow, empty shell, there is nobody home. It's all about him and who he can use and the rest of us can all go to hell in a handbag for all he cares. Even her, I got the sense if she didn't do what he wanted then she would turn into the bad one as well.

I laughed thinking if I did hook up with her and hang out, he would have hated both of us with his narcissistic rage.

We all spend hours talking about how sick they are, yet we had or have feelings for them and we react to those feeling, and once we make the mind emotional connection and not only see yet feel their complete detachment, we are set free.

I knew I was going to need to process this new information from his buddy, I had no idea how freeing it would be to see the complete picture. There were still a few nagging unknown variables. He lied so frequently, you could never get a straight answer from him about anything and the non stop barrage of love bombing and future faking. He was a full blown sex addict the entire time. All the puzzle pieces seem to fit perfectly now.

When the women on the site ask, why would he still want a family if he preferred prostitutes? Porno? Online sites? Because they do not want him full time and or they are too expensive. Who can afford hundreds of dollars an hour for months on end? Certainly not the average run of the mill guy. They have to have a family for the downtime and while they are raising money for their next sessions.

I don't care anymore. I was taken in by a sleazy snake and made a big mistake. This is no reflection on us more so a reflection of their depravation and lengths they will go to to use all of us. It was a full time job for him to keep me on board with his bullshit, seek them out, pretend to be a good guy to others, and so on. No wonder they are angry all the time. It must be exhausting to keep this many people from causing you bodily harm when they at long last find you out. I'm surprised more women don't go postal with them. I just recall being hurt, angry, confused, obsessed with figuring it out....all the time when I was with him.

That is no way to live. That is the other women and the same with the wife. Worse for her. She has the bastard full time. Day in and day out, pain and confusion, shame, embarrassment, depression, trying to fit the puzzle pieces together, and then the next day, wash, rinse, repeat. You are such a mess that when they throw you the occasional bone it feels like water while living in the desert.

They are soul snatchers. Fake, completely fake. Regarding the hoovers: I believe the only reason he finds me even slightly intriguing is because I looked at him directly and said you are a pathological liar, a psychopathic loser, I no longer love you or have any feeling towards you aside from hate and disgust and you need to get out of my house and never come back. That's how I felt then, Now, detachment and freedom from bondage, he's only someone that I used to know.

Why he's been hoovering me now, years later? He's obsessed with getting the last word or final discard. Our power is in never allowing them the opportunity to create pain and chaos in our lives again. I have completely ignored him. He's not my problem. Sadly he is now someone else's headache.

Much Love,
Goldie xo

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