Profile Info

Age Range

30-40

My Story

Hi Lisa,
I joined your blog because I think I might be married to a disguised narcissist. I was hoping you girls can help me figure it out. I know there is something wrong with him and his family but I never considered NPD. When a US military base psychologist brought up the idea I looked up NPD on Wikipedia and I didn’t take it too seriously because he did not match the symptoms described. His symptoms, I thought, were more on the contrary, he always sighed, complained about low self-esteem, busy days where he was dissatisfied with himself because he didn’t get done what had to be done, and, on the other hand, he often enough complained he was not challenged enough, felt bored at work. Besides his complains, he was always in a good mood and charming. I happened to get to know some of his female co-workers and they jokingly let me know that he was a typical “avoider”, running around with his coffee mug and keeping people from work with his stories and small talk. He also never followed through with any classes or education that were offered through his job.
He was US Military stationed in Europe, where we met (I am European). We dated, moved on very fast because he pushed it. I jokingly called him "a stalker" once because he kept writing me 3 e-mails in a day. He asked me to move in with him after 3 months and offered to “share” his overly expensive rent. I lived in a different city and would have had to give up my job and my apartment. I was single and neither happy nor unhappy then. When I explained to him that I would have no income to “share” his rent which btw. I thought was paid for by the US government. He said “ok, forget about it. Whenever you’re ready feel free to move in, I would be happy.” He didn’t even make the impression to be embarrassed.

We got married on one of his “business trips” in California where he, when he proposed to me, had already arranged a whole romantic wedding at the beach. I wonder what he would have done if I had said no! Of course I said yes and it was really romantic although we had to leave very early the next morning. It still took me another 6 months to give up my job and apartment to move in with him. I didn’t like his huge apartment with no real furniture or any personal character. Of course I felt guilty and it didn’t feel right to be married and live in two different cities. He never pushed me, I think I pushed myself. Before I moved in with him I made sure the apartment was furnished and I paid for most of it. Sure I gave up my full-time teaching job to replace it by a part-time one in his town but money was never an issue...I thought...

Until I found out he had brought some significant debts into our marriage and he was broke. I had to work because his salary went directly to the banks. One night we had to sleep in the dark because the electricity company cut us off since he hadn’t paid a single bill in over 6 months. He said he didn’t open the envelopes, which he collected in a shoe box with other unopened mail, because he didn’t understand the language. I speak the language, he could have asked me! There are also free translators on every base overseas! No excuse! I started to become angry. Then there were his neglected daughters, 18 and 21, one a drug addict and the other one always escaping jail. He always talked about them as if they were some neighbor’s daughters. That was the first time I realized there are no real feelings of responsibility or concern. Sure he invited his pott-headed daughter to move in with us but I refused and it took me long discussions to explain that I wanted her to be sober and to join a student exchange program or some community work. Of course, being like her father (who btw. had custody for both daughters after his first divorce), she refused. I thought he’s too naive to see that his daughter just wanted to bum around on our couch, while that’s exactly what my husband is doing now with his family.

He drove me crazy with his passive-aggressiveness, his always being tired and falling asleep when with my friends or family. He also fell asleep on vacation tours, even though they were in his language. I thought it’s the cultural difference, maybe being in a foreign country he didn’t feel attached to made him tired and depressed. I often felt bad for being angry and “bossy” but hey, we were in my country and he had made me the leader since he was too lazy to deal with my country himself. I was his free translator, tour guide, accountant, cleaning maid, diet instructor, entertainer, and attorney. He almost made me daycare his rotten kids, too but I refused. Although I'm a teacher I did not feel skilled enought to correct his "laissez-faire" educational style in two angry teenagers who neither respected their parents nor the law.
And there were all these self-help books about” how to get rich without lifting a finger” or so, all these “To live and work with a Procrastinator” and “I’m not stupid or lazy” magazines, which he basically had put on his shelves unopened and gave them to me to read. And this “confession” about having ADHD, which after I forced a test, was never diagnosed but led to a “possible narcissistic personality disorder” instead.

I opened a small “family business” to create some extra income but soon realized that I was the only one who worked there (next to my part-time teaching at a local university). He sabotaged the grand opening party at my store by not coming home from work that weekend to help me set up the furniture so I had to tell my guests I was sick and had to postpone. We had constant fights because of his laziness or passive-aggressive acts of sabotage but I never thought of him being a narcissist because I was in control of everything. Whenever we had a fight he said he was tired and needed his sleep. When it happened in the morning he took the dog for a walk. He always escaped confrontation. He wrecked his car and was refused a bank loan so he tried to use my business as security (I put all my savings into this little store, and I was proud I did it without a loan!). When I was absent for a week, he literally "trashed" the whole house and gained enormous weight; he reminded me of a 4-year-old. He treated my stuff very carelessly, forgot to lock my store at night or lost the keys. But every morning when I got up coffee was ready and on weekends banana bread up to a point where I couldn't stand banana bread anymore. Sometimes I thought he's just acting "the idiot" just to piss me off.

Sex was pretty frustrating too because he basically masturbated on top of me not seeing any problem at all with his obvious “premature ejaculation”. Of course, no other female had ever complained before so it had to be be me! I was too demanding, whatever he did was wrong in my eyes, he cried. And he cried a lot but I never saw any tears. He did break things, threw a glass at me once but missed me, and kicked the dog but those outbursts were very rare and most of them as a reaction to fights about him refusing me to be the only financial manager. He would not let me get control over his accounts but I was very welcome to help him pay off his debts.

Now we are in his territory, where I hoped he would come to his senses and take responsibility for our new life. After he retired from the military on March 31st, which was also our 3rd anniversary but nobody cared because it was all about him and his ceremony, he fell into a deep depression which kept him from looking for a job. With every fight we had here he escaped to his brother and finally moved there after hurting me seriously in a fight, got arrested by the police because I told the hospital that he had pushed me, was bailed out by his sister-in-law and charmed the judge so charges were dropped. He left me (as a foreigner) with all the bills threatening me with a divorce if I don’t sign a paper that I won’t make any charges against him if he “sponsors” me with half of his retirement pay (which is less than 1000$) for another year. He never apologized, never asked if I wanted to go home or stay here, he literally tries to starve me and the dog hoping I leave all my belongings behind and go back to my country. O, and I was called a “gold digger” and “unsupportive, selfish bitch” by him and his brother. His family thought it would be only fair to contribute the same income to the family budget as my husband (with his meager retirement pay) disregarding the fact that I would have to scrub floors to help him pay off the rest of his debts while he watches HGTV and dreams of being a house-owner soon. He is 46 and physically healthy so why can't he find a job? I am taking law-classes the hard way now dealing with court and police paperwork because no lawyer really wants to represent me being from a foreign country with no money and a husband who is filing for bankruptcy, which frees him not only from paying off his debts but also for compensating me for having given up my business, my job, and having an ugly scar behind my ear for the rest of my life.
Sorry for this long story but I thought a detailed description would help to find out what kind of personality disorder I am dealing with.
Thanks for listening,
Gitte

Gender

Female

History

Member for

46 weeks 2 days