I met my N online on Facebook after noticing we had many mutual friends. We started talking a lot, usually about politics. He showered me with compliments, how beautiful I am, how smart I am, how proud of me he was that I am able to care for my son as a widow and that I work so hard and am educated. He really had me thinking he was smitten beyond all reason. He told me that we were both so beautiful that the "Germans would have forced us to breed" (Seriously) he said some of the weirdest stuff. "Being smart is a curse", "I have plans for you", "I want you to get your master’s degree and take care of me". Usually it was said in a joking manner but now I am not so sure he was playing. He told me he has no friends because he can't tolerate other peoples stupidity but he liked me because I "got him".
There was no mention of him being married on his FB and he never mentioned a spouse. In fact, every comment about his life was singular (this is a picture of MY flower bed, this is a picture of MY dog, this is a picture of MY puppy) so I assumed he was single and proceeded to build an online relationship with him which progressed into phone and text communications. We knew a lot of the same people, grew up in the same neighborhood, but never met because he is four years older than me (his brother was in my graduating class), so we had lots of things to talk about and we both shared a passion for things political. He works 12 hour days 3rd shift in security so we would talk for hours because he was 'lonely'. He is so sweet. We met for the first time for lunch October of last year. It was a great first date, and even though there were some comments he made while talking and his attitude during the lunch was rather arrogant, I thought he was delicious. He's a big boy, 6’3; - I’m a little girl so when I was with him I felt tiny. He made me feel safe. He was always quick to talk about all the people he'd beaten the crap out of at this location or at that location, that no one will stand up to him and that he's never lost a fight. Why this was information he thought I needed I don't know, but I thought it was just man talk, him blowing his own whistle. He sure liked talking about himself. He is a published author, of a novel and several coloring books, an artist, and a business owner. At first I thought wow this guy’s got it together. Over time though I began to see that he was over confident in his skills and this was a major kill to his ego, EVEN though he still bragged about it.
So anyways, we met a second time at a mutual friend’s birthday party -- the mutual friend also had no idea he was married. None of our mutual friends knew he was married. So, I had no reason to ask. We left the party together and had our first sexual encounter which to say the least was not the romantic experience I had been hoping for. The way that it was I felt completely used when he took me back to my car; That was the first time I decided this guy wasn't quite right and best to move on. There were other red flags in the beginning too, usually just his mood when he'd call, he would sound down and depressed and would say he was feeling "glum" and want to hear my voice because I cheer him up. Even then I knew there was some emotional problem going on with him but I was so attracted I didn't listen to reason and continued with the relationship.
Also, I was in the process of ending a relationship and was moving to my own place when all this was going on. I had been with my X for 5 years and it had reached a point to where I needed to be on my own. Retrospect has me wondering if the decision I made to leave him was based on an inner desire to be with my N without being a ‘cheater’. I don’t know, the relationship was over, and my N knew this and I’m thinking perhaps he saw a window of opportunity to fill a void I must certainly be feeling. My N is SMART, spooky smart.
A friend of mine who I was telling all this too asked me a single question one day and my answer was "I don't really know" and that was "Is he married". And I didn't know. I just assumed he wasn't since the information wasn't volunteered. So, a couple days after the sexual encounter under a bridge next to his car, (he called me many times after to tell me how awesome it was and how passionate it was and how close he felt to me and blah blah blah) i sent him a text and asked him "You're not married are you." His reply "Yes, I understand if you don't' want to talk to me again." I was devastated. But then he went on to tell me that he does not answer to his wife, that she does not care what he does, she don't care about him and if it wasn't me it would be someone else, that is how little his marriage mattered to him or to her. So I asked if they were swingers or something like that... he laughed and said hell no, that she is stupid and he can't stand to look at her, that he tells her to her face constantly that he f’ing hates her and that she is a slob and an embarrassment, that he hasn't had sex with her in five years, and he was only there for his kids (2 teen daughters, the youngest is 15)... he had 3 years left before the youngest was 18 and then it’s over. "She isn't the "one"." He said. He talked me into believing that what he was doing was ok, and that if anyone should carry the burden it was him, not me. And I bought it. So, until I had my own place, which the first week in December, we would meet. The first time I went to his house. I knew I was doing something bad, but I wanted him. And I did lose a great deal of respect for him because he was willing to bring another woman into his wife’s home and phuk her on their bed. Then the couch, and the whole time he was staring out the window. He couldn’t climax without looking in the mirror on the headboard. We met a 2nd time at a hotel and then he took me to lunch and we went antiquing – this was the first time our relationship went beyond “sex”. He was very affectionate in public with me, wrapping his arms around me in the stores, kissing me, showering me with so much love that I was just in heaven. I didn’t feel ‘used’ that day. I felt appreciated and loved.
When I finally got my apartment in December for the longest time I didn't want him to meet my son. My son is 10 and his father passed away before he turned 2 so I wanted to protect him from getting attached to a man who may not be around for long. So at first I would only let my N come over after my son went to bed or while he was at school. We'd watch TV but usually it was just sex and he would be on his way back home. In the beginning I was ok with this. I'm 41 and single and quite frankly, I was horny and my N is hot. I was pretty content with the situation. For me in the beginning it was a sex thing, but my N added the emotional aspect that I was trying to avoid… It was the N that dropped the “LOVE” word, and of course, he knew the impact this would have on me. He still had not met my son. Then one night he showed up early, I told him my son was still up and to wait, but he showed up anyways and knocked on the door and introduced himself to my son. I was livid. My son fell in love with him. My N would play games with him, wrestle him, say things like “I always wanted a son”, brought him a fishing pole, showed him how to do magic tricks, made promises of baseball games and fishing trips, he got my kid to fall even more in love with him than I did. Honestly at that time, I had hope. I really thought this guy was amazing, aside from the self-adulation and marital “situation” he referred to it as I thought this may go somewhere = 3 years ain’t that long. God I’m f’ing stupid!
He introduced me to his coworkers as his girlfriend, he explained that the guys he works with were aware of his ‘situation’ at home and they understood. He had to show me off. He is the president of the union where he works and I was his trophy to flash around. We went out on New Year’s Eve and I was to be at his side the entire time. He loved me hanging on him in front of all his buddies. This made him feel proud he said. It was around this time we had our first “altercation”.
Now I need to explain I have some emotional issues myself. I have a terrible fear of loss, my husband took his own life back in 2003 – and there are times when I don’t hear from someone for a long period of time that I freak out. And Back in January this happened. I had been texting and calling my N for hours and I had no reply. Nothing. For well over 12 hours, I panicked. He had left here at around 1am and I sent a message to him and said I hoped he made it home ok and that you have sweet dreams and I got no reply. It had snowed and he lives 30 miles from my house. So I panicked and thought the worse. I left lots of messages and when he finally called me he was pissed off – and I explained you don’t understand how scared I was. I wasn’t trying to control you I was scared. He told me that better never happen again, he’s a big boy and if he doesn’t answer it’s because he is sleeping, “I work hard and sometimes I need to cut off from the world and get rest”. I felt like an asshole then for inconveniencing him. How could I be so insensitive to HIS needs? So in tears I said I was so sorry and I will never do that again, never. Please understand why and forgive me. Ok he said, but “I’ll be on guard”. I was relieved… he didn’t dump me.
Then we went on like a relatively normal couple, although secret, for another month or so. He’d come over when he was off work, and we’d talk every day while he was at work. He said he didn’t care if people knew about us but he didn’t want our mutual friends to know because they will “be jealous” and cause drama he don’t need. I was a good little minion and kept my mouth shut. One people who did figure it out got blocked and deleted from his Facebook account – she warned me, and I told him... So he got rid of her. A few of my friends knew, I told only the ones I trusted enough to not say anything online on Facebook that would get the word out. I even convinced my Mother to not say anything, and she had met him.
Then in February his wife went out of town because their daughter is a traveling volleyball player and he had to stay home on the weekend to take care of the dogs. Instead of him coming here to my house he invited me to his house, he wanted me to bring my son so he could play with his puppy but that was not something I would allow myself to do. Thank GOD! I took my son to a friend’s instead and went to his house later. We watched TV and it was then I got a good look around. The wife does his laundry, there were notes all over the house with instructions on what needs to be done, and it was a “family” house. Portraits on the wall, his wife’s bra was on the couch. He was completely oblivious to this and the impact this had on me. He wanted to have sex but was afraid to get the furniture or bed dirty so I got to give him oral sex, in the bathroom, in front of the mirror. When this was done, he wanted to go for a car ride, so we did. And while were driving I had a break through. This man is a messed up individual. He could see that there was something wrong with me, I was crying as I was driving, I knew that I had gotten myself into something bad, and it was a slap in the face. So I took him home and told him I was going to go home, that I felt sick inside. He got out of the car, said “sorry” and I drove off. How I made it home alive I don’t know, I was sobbing so bad. When I got home I sent him an email and told him I never wanted to hear from him again. It was a long letter, and I explained why. I said that it was obvious there was still a viable marriage and there was a reason why I had to be kept a secret. That it hurt to see what I’d never have, that it hurt to see what my son would never have and that God I didn’t bring him with me that night.
His reply was basically I hurt him and he would never let me hurt him again and that I was way off base and that I was never going to find anyone like him again, and it was my lose and I needed to hurt for what I was doing to him. All he wanted was to spend every free minute with me and how could I hurt him so bad. So, you know what happened next. I said I was sorry for freaking out, that it wouldn’t happen again, the same thing as last time. To further bate me he gave me a ring on Valentine’s Day, a beautiful wedding set, but it came with stipulations – never again am I to do to him what I did over the weekend. No more chances. He guard was up and would be up for a long time. And I got to hear about this, often, about how I almost ‘blew it’. And I started being the best girlfriend any married man could ever wish for. I packed him his lunch, I rubbed his neck, and I catered to his every need, his sexual perversion. I kept my G-D mouth shut and I knew my place.
March 15th I had to have an emergency hysterectomy so for many weeks I couldn’t have sex. He was still coming over, but of course I was the perfect girlfriend and would make sure his needs were met. Why was I ok with this????
In addition, my N has severe financial problems. He owns rental property out of state that he claimed at first was owned with a business partner -he told me his wife wasn’t on the mortgages. He lied. He also said she ran their mortgage on their house so behind that he had to sell his personal coin collection to cover $13000 to avoid foreclosure. His friend ran his coin business into the ground and owes him thousands of dollars. In the time we’ve been together I have purchases out of pity via eBay over $3000 in coins for his to rebuild the collections his wife made him lose. I would pay for them online with my account and he would either write me a check or give me cash. He owes me a couple hundred dollars now, and the last coin I got just arrived in the mail two days ago. He has thousands of coloring books he authored that he wanted me to sell for him on eBay. For some reason he couldn’t take them to book stores to sell.
He paid for items at an antique store to “start my own eBay business” selling antiques and other miscellaneous items… he was doing me a favor. This wasn’t something I even considered doing, but he convinced me I could do really well if I just did what he told me to do.
There are many more details I could go into. The way he would admire himself while he were having sex, he wanted me to say certain things like tell him he is the man and that no one is as awesome as he is. He’d ask me how it feels to be with a REAL man… he has a serious asphyxiation on his penis and its size and how gifted he is. I would give him dinner and he’d just hand me the plate when he was done, there was not getting up and doing anything himself. Get me a drink baby, get me some chips baby, do this baby, My neck hurts baby, hold me baby, I need taken care of baby.
Why do I miss this? I’m just as sick as he is, right?
Well, until this past Tuesday I was pretty content, even though there was this inner voice telling me things were right, I was being a good little bitch for him. He was on his way to my house when he calls me while I am taking a timed test online (I am a full time student). He tells me hes on his way, and I told him ok I’m taking a test I’ll see you when you get here. He calls back 5 minutes later and says he won’t be here for a while after all he got called back to his home town to have a beer with his friend. And I was confused. This friend however, the one I knew about, lived in town, so it didn’t make sense that this friend would drive all the way to my N’s town for a beer when he was already half way here. So I sent a text and said that. I said “Why would ___ drive all the way back to _____ for a beer? What you say makes no sense. I’m not stupid; you have no reason to feed me bullshit”. I shouldn’t have sent the text while I was taking the test but I did. He started calling me and I didn’t answer because I knew I was going to get yelled at and I had to finish this test. About 5 minutes go by, I finish the test, he calls and I answer and he has gone off the deep end. I told him I was taking a timed test and couldn’t answer. Then he told me that the person he was meeting was the person thought it was, it was a different guy with the same name, then proceeded to put that guy on speaker phone, told him I was accusing him of whoring around and wants to prove to me he was in fact at the bar. He sent me a picture of the guy he was with. And I said ok, understand now. it just didn’t make sense to me at first but now it does and I said I’m sorry, enjoy your beer. Then he hung up on me. Not long after he send me a text and says “you promised you’d never do this to me again, and you didn’t answer your phone to be a jerk, and I’m done”. And he ignored all my text messages after that when I tried to explain again that I was taking a timed test, ask my son if you want to, the test is even time stamped, you can see for yourself I said. No reply.
So, I let it go. I did what I usually do, play on Facebook, post videos, my son and I were watching Queen on YouTube and I posted comments about that and how my son loves Freddy, did a couple a quotes, jokes, the same thing I do all the time on Facebook. Hours go by and not a word from my N. I’ve texted him but he has ignored me. Then he posts on Facebook something about the Cubs game and I was angry. So is sent a text to him and said something like you can post on Facebook but not answer me? He deleted and blocked me. I didn’t notice until many hours later though but when I did notice I was stunned. So I sent him a text that I knew he would answer. I told him I dropped a letter in the mail to the place where his wife works. And of course, this got a reply. He said he knew all along I was vindictive and only willing to hurt, that he has been through worse. By hurting him I’d only be hurting myself, that I called him a liar and that I belittled him on Facebook. That I was posting how great my new life was which I did not do and which was totally not true. Never did I say anything of the sort. It was like he was making stuff up to justify his reaction. I don’t know. Even my friends were like what the hell is he talking about. I tried one more time to reason with him, telling him that my questions about him meeting his friend was legit, that I really was taking a timed test, that I never belittled him on Facebook and that there was something wrong with his thinking. He told me he was done, that I Wasn’t what he was looking for, and that I needed “to hurt”. “You need to hurt” he said. I asked are we done. He said yes. I said Ok I won’t bother you again. He replied “10’4” That was at Midnight May 1st. I have not heard anything from him since.
The following day I found this group. While I was reading I had my Facebook on and I kept seeing him name appearing and then disappearing on my feed. I knew he was checking on me. So, I did the step of ‘no contact’ I deleted my Facebook account and created a new one making sure to block him immediately. I add his number to my block list on Verizon, he cannot call or text my cell phone. He has not called my house phone though. I don’t know if he deleted my numbers and don’t have it or if he just hasn’t tried. The only 2 ways he can contact me is via email or my house phone and he hasn’t tried either. I don’t know if he will, but something tells me I will hear from him when he goes back to work. I have this coin here, and he owes me money, so I am guess when and if I do hear from him it will pertain to that.
There is so much more to say, it’ll all come back in bits. When I feel sad I cry, but usually I can reason with myself by reminding myself that there was something not right from the start and I chose to accept it for whatever reason is wrong with ME. This is MY fault because I saw warnings and ignored them. But it hurts the same. I smell him on my furniture, I have his coloring books and the ring and the watch and his art and all the other little reminders all over the house. The fishing pole he gave my son… I AM SO PHUCKING MAD AND SAD AND WANT TO DO SOMETHING but there isn’t anything that I can do but be hurt and move on. “YOU NEED TO HURT” is what he said.