My story..narccassist or not?

Well this is my story..in a way I feel blessed that my own intuition knew something was not right with my now ex wife and I had a counselor friend, after hearing my story from afar, send me a link to "5 sneaky things narcissists do in relationships" I didn't want to believe it but the pain I've experienced these last few months has been intolerable.

I met her over two years ago through work friends. We have this normal hangout spot all of us went to weekly and that's where things escalated. I'd met her when I first started with the company and wanted to ask her out but found out she was engaged so backed off..fast forward almost a year and she was hanging out for the first time with the weekly crew..I knew from a mutual friend she was unhappy with her engagement but didn't think anything of it bc I stay away boundary wise with marriage and engagements..bc of this I didn't realize what was happening for the longest time..this started late march, early April 2013..she was to marry June 2013..she started flirting with me relentlessly..I played along..thinking it harmless but at that time I'd had a bit of a dry spell so I wasn't as strong as I normally am..I'd realize her fiancé was texting her while she was out but shed always look disgusted..eventually we ended up hooking up..it took through this time into May and June for this to happen..I eventually gave her the ultimatum..stating that she obviously didn't need to marry the guy..regardless if she ended up with me or not she needed to do right by both of them..I told her I couldn't continue it any further while she was with him..she first put a pause to the marriage..and she went on their planned honeymoon as friends..she was to make a decision then..well she chose to break that off..I helped her move to her own place and we went fast into love.

At this time I was enameled..at first I kept her at arms length..knowing how bad cheating on her fiancé was..but she claimed she felt bad and that was so out of her character..she'd never do it agAin..we were so in love she wanted to know all about me, do everything together and we seemed to have so much in common..she was all I could ask for..we jumped right Into a relationship..it's fuzzy now but I know there were red flags..I remember distinct thoughts about wishing my emotional needs were met..we seemed to have so much we enjoyed together and I loved giving to her..but the rare times I needed something for just me..usually emotionally, it wasn't there.. She would randomly get incredibly angry at the smallest things..usually when it was out of her control..I think she is the fragile narcassist..she at times seemed confident to the point of arrogance and if she felt she was right, didn't matter if most others thought differently or had supporting evidence..she also switched between wanting to take charge..needing it or wanting me too.as long as it's what she wanted..I was so blind.. She was always negatively comparing herself to other women..looks wise..never thought herself attractive even if she was..and was obsessed with taking pictures of herself..at that time this was a storybook for. Both of us ..fast forward to march 2014..approaching a year since we started..our sex life was great at the beginning and there was lots of it, but she tapered off a bit..didn't seem unnatural.but looking back on it..she did in march 14 start to act different..didn't know what it was just off..she decided to join the air guard randomly..after I brought it up initially..and I didn't want her bc I knew I'd be a big stress..soon mid April..to late may she started acting..off..a little distant..but she'd randomly be loving again later..sorry for the ramble but I do need to add..she doesn't have any true friends..seems to never keep up with them and she has kind of this distant but loving relationship with her family..kind of a bit like an outsider...eventually at our normal hangout in early May..I noticed she texted one of the guys at the table..knew this was fishy..I confronted her later about what was wrong and she was cold and distant and just stated I was blowing things out of proportion..next morning I looked in her phone and discovered very inappropriate texts between her and that guy..one said "I wish I were single" I was devastated..confronted her..texted him..he told he they had to stop and she got angry..after a talk..at this time she only admitted to the inappropriate conversations..also stated she didn't know why but she seemed to crave the validation from multiple men..should have broken up there..but I was stupid and wanted to stay together and work it out....

Life went on..seemed great but in the back of my mind it didn't add up..it seemed to me that there was more to the story with that guy..but this was in the back of my mind..we stayed even closer together, she moved in..we got engaged.and then knowing she was leaving for military training..we got married before she left in secret at the courthouse..at this time she seemed to start conversations with her ex fiancé again..who two this day never knew about me..platonic in nature but fairly consistent till she left..I'd confront her but she just said she didn't have many friends and he was her only past connection to that life and her good friend still..the day she left..6 months for training..I was bad again and happened across her diary..it still are at me that something didn't add up..reading the diary I discovered she had hung out with the original guy in late may twice on her own..one time went back to his place and kissed him before leaving..said in the diary it made,her feel good about herself..but late realized the mistake..this put me in a state of anxiety the first two months in her training where I couldn't speak with her..I wrote letters everyday..we were so in love then..and she made every effort to write me as much as she possibly could.. I went to her basic graduation and the weekend was bliss..I spoke to her about my concerns for our marriage and the truth and we seemed to work it out..I was worried about tech school and stories I'd heard of cheating there..

She went to the next location for three months and I visited her three weekends while she was there...still very loving we spoke every day..but I was always wary and monitored her phone then..not proud of it..but I wanted to verify...it seemed good at first but as the 1 year anniversary approached of her cheating..I became paranoid..I since the pattern from her first fiancé and cheating..I didn't want the pattern to continue..sure enough though..late march..third year in a row..she was a little moody..finally went out with the single people and I noticed one of the guys from up there her and him and multiple texting conversations..the month of April..I'd confront her about it and she denied it as a school work thing..soon she eventually one day changed her phone record password she entrusted me with without informing me..I guessed her new password and sure enough when I got in the convo between her and this guy jumped up tremendously..

This continued on..cat and mouse for a few more weeks..at one time she was crying on the phone saying it wasn't going to be the same.and she wasn't doing anything..even though all evidence pointed to it...I thought things would be good when she returned but she continued openly texting this guy in front of me..

Every time aid confront her stating it wasn't right for her to be texting some single guy while she was married that much..she kept telling me I was paranoid, insecure etc..increasingly I found where she sent flirtatious pics to him..it was obviously causing me a lot of pain and she saw this..I'll never forget her look though..it's as if she looked blankly at me..acknowledging I was hurting and then saying she was sorry I was in pain..even though she was the one causing it..I asked her for me to quit talking to hi and we could work on our marriage..she said she didn't want to. Eventually she would say things like "why can't I have both?" And be open to the idea of an open relationship even though she was originally against it..we'd have conversations and she'd forget beliefs shed told me originally and outlooks..at this time I noticed major behavior changes.way more outwardly confident..to point of arrogant..she wasn't much of a drinker before but now she got shit wasted every time out..and never drank beer..now she did so all the time..we'd have numerous fights as we both go out with friends and get drunk,she'd openly text him more I'd get angry.i saw where she called him one time

Skipping forward.literally a year to the day from me catching her the first time..that weekend she secretly met up with this guy...he even mailed her drivers license back to our house where she had left it..she was supposed to go to her parents that weekend and think about our relationship..she came back and said she wanted out..so I kicked her out..all this time she talked about she didn't want a divorce..be 26 and divorced..she needed space and time...wanted to live separated for a time and decide.but I knew shed already been gone for six months and knew she'd continue talking to him while breaking from me..while we were trying to work it out..I caught on social media she went to visit him again..ona. Second weekend she said she'd take time to think about us..all this time it was apparent she never considered hiring an attorney and getting a divorce..eventually even with it against my religion and me wanting so hard to work and love her..I had to divorce..till the end she would ask me to hold the papers...when I finally submitted her attitude changed and she did not wish to speak with me much anymore

It was the way I should have felt towards her..she admitted she hooked up with this guy whil in training and several more times after..but she was treating me like I was worthless..during this whole time..I finally saw how selfish she was..how cold and I was stupid and wanted to keep hanging out with her..I was addicted...eventually I saw in her phone where she'd changed this guys name from last name..to first name..and then a heart by his name..I saw the pattern complete..

After enough reading and counseling I realize I went crazy and was heartbroken and in love..I gave everything I had to her..for support but she Discarded me..won't have anything to do with me..and she's reworked it in her head that "we weren't meant to be..wouldn't have worked out..I'd never trust her after the first time..and she just didn't want to be married..to feel trapped" I finally have realized what she really Wanted was space to attract the new person and wanted freedom to pursue..once I tried to get her to act married..she didn't want me..but I've been hopelessly addicted..I went no contact but still think of her often..I also realize she is with this guy In a long distant relationship now..so much of what she says sounds sane..but gas lighting, projection everything was used on me..from her stories and reading the diary I know I followed the same script as her ex..witholDing sex..masturbation after refusing sex with me..same general excuse for leaving..logically I know the truth but emotionally it's been impossible to let go..at the injustice of it all..I hope she continues on her pattern but honestly at times I, not convinced she is a narcassist.or if that's in my head..and accepting the person I loved wasn't real ..possibly..has been devastating..she won't talk to me now..originally she wanted me to go out and find a good girl..or told me I deserved better..said she cared about me..but I think it's for different reasons..all this happened may 2015- till now..officially divorced and no kids or assets..but the pain is ever constant in me..it's been hard to move on aNd the worst is realizing that I was drained..and actually have become sort of like her..no confidence in myself and the need for female validation..I feel like I'm improving but it seems like a never ending nightmare..I want them to suffer and not have a good ending..but I don't know if that will happen..I'm not even sure if she's really a narcassist..or what to believe...thanks for listening to my story..hopefully I can move past this at some time and be happy...but literally for last three years..late march, through May some sort of cheating has been done by her..this pain is unbearable.