This is my story.

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#1 Feb 23 - 3AM
sheisfearless
sheisfearless's picture

This is my story.

I am an intelligent, caring, compassionate, funny, empathetic and beautiful woman.

For a year and a half I was knowingly involved with a psychopath/narcissist.
One of the covert variety.

I was stuck in a mess of his lies and deception. The darkness that engulfed me over that time was created and fuelled by his insecurity and seething hatred of anyone who has any characteristics that he will never have.

I met him one evening (from Tinder). He was chatty, kind, funny, dorky - slightly insecure. We had much in common and I enjoyed meeting him. Although in hindsight something felt...off. I felt nervous around him, but that night I couldn't figure out why or if it was just because we'd just met. This nervousness (anxiety) actually lasted the entire time I engaged with him. Now I know it was gut instinct. Powerful thing that!

The first night we met I slept with him. And it was amazing.

We never had a relationship (he didn't want that) and it was framed as a 'friends with benefits thing'. A 'thing' that was to last almost a year and a half. A 'thing' that turned into something so intense, drama fuelled and mentally and physically abusive to the point that it almost destroyed me.

Our sexual relationship escalated from that evening. He slowly pushed me to do things with sex and I became a willing participant in that. I will spare you the details but he had no limits to what he would do, or wanted me to do. None. He got off on causing pain, making me scream or making me beg for it. He enjoyed the idea that he could force me to do whatever he wanted, and fuck whomever he wanted. That I was a slut or a whore, "there to be fucked". He could send me a message and I'd just turn up whenever he decided. I enjoyed this game to a point but it did hurt as he still maintained that we were 'friends' although the friendship side began to dissipate. I explained this many times, explained what I wanted and that it was hurting that he was pushing me away. I got blamed for the friendship not working, but it was NOT my fault. I was the one that asked to do other things but he would come in and spin it and we'd end up fucking again.

Narcs play mind games. they enjoy it. Anything that takes any accountability off them and puts it on the other person is an excellent thing in their mind. They have it down to a fine art. This one was very good at it. He also enjoyed lying. He lied about everything. To me, in front of me, to other people and then would tell me about it.

He told me once that he takes his pleasure from helping people find their limits, pushing them past that into depravity - and watching them be liberated from it. He psycially hurt me badly. There were days where I would be covered from bruises from his mistreatment of me during the act (all perfectly consensual of course). My best friend was angry with me and did her utmost to explain that I was being manipulated and abused.
But all I could see was him. And all I wanted to do was what he wanted. At my expense.
My reason for staying was the person that I met at the start. I could not reconcile that the person now was not the same one. I wanted a friendship. I desperately wanted to be friends and did not want to loose him. I even wondered if I could somehow be the one to see past his mask and love him for the person under it - the cruel, indifferent man full of hatred. Yes, I wanted to love him. I wanted to fix him and have him love me back.

Early on we had a particularly stressful and intense session and we ended up in the lounge of his house and he tried to kick me out. I didn't want to leave so I dug my heels in and refused. He started yelling and I yelled back about how we are supposed to be friends. He couldn't have cared less about what I had to say, he did his little shrug and stopped yelling.
After our screaming match came to an end he stared at me. I always wondered what the face of a cold blooded killer looked like as they murder their victim. Now I know. Their eyes emulate pure evil. Soul-less. Hatred. Contempt. An indifference to who you are as a person.

That was the day that his mask fell off. I saw it on his face. Then he turned around and strutted down the hallway to the shower.

It was then that I should have left. Run. RUN RUN I screamed in my head. I didn't. I did try. But, he pulled me in again. Truth be told, I wanted to be. I wanted to beat him at his game. Make him love me. Then I'd win.

I so badly wanted him to like me, to accept me...be my friend. Anything. I begged him on occasion for friendship, threatening (and sometimes ending) the sex until he agreed on it. But he would always push back and we'd end up talking about sex and then that would be it. It was always his way. Every single time he got what he wanted. I lost count of the number of times I told him to fuck off out of my life and then he'd pull me back in using whatever tactic he felt would work. Each time I ended up gagging for it again, just as he wanted.
He reduced me to tears on so many occasions. His messaging tactics were very manipulative in that he knew exactly how to stress me out (he'd go no contact for a while and then come back and start talking) He would deliberately try to make me stressed and he enjoyed doing it. I can see now that he'd sit there with a little smirk on his face knowing it was working.

What I learned though was how to do it back, and I would. I got enjoyment out of playing him at his own game. Sometimes I'd think I was winning but here's the thing.
You can't win with them.
It's actually impossible because they do not care.
I cared. So, I lost each time because I cared. It's simple.

Over the course of time though he systematically tried to destroy everything that made me who I was. He wold mock my caring and empathic nature, tell me to harden up and not be emotional.
He wold tell me I was a slut and a whore and only really good for fucking. He was jealous that I got into a profession that he wanted to get into - so he mocked that as well.
Academically I had surpassed him - that was also an issue. He never overtly said it, but I was more intelligent that him and he tried to reduce me to only being good for sex. partly also because he go off on the idea of a woman being a slut.

His ex-girlfreind actually became a prostitute while dating him. He told me he 'suggested it' one day and she did (much to his surprise). I should have run then.

I am an intelligent, caring, compassionate, empathetic, beautiful woman and I got sucked into his mess of lies and seething hatred of himself. I started to take on the things he said.

"I don't find you funny at all"
"I would never date someone like you"
"you need to sort your shit out"
"my ex was emotionally manipulative blah blah blah"
"You're only here to be fucked, what's wrong with that"

He loved the blah blah bullshit aspect of his game. His ability to manipulate is unsurpassed. Master of lies and deceit. He'd brag about lying. He got off on lying and did it so seamlessly and flawlessly it was almost like he didn't even know he was doing it. But he did, because he loved doing it. The power that comes with making someone think something.

I did always call him out on his bullshit, and it surprises me that he kept me around as long as he did. However, I gave him what he wanted with sex. A fuck toy.

I put up a fight, but it almost destroyed me. When it came to the end (the eventual discard) I had to end my quest for victory as well. He wins. And that's okay. He wins at this game.

There is a lot more to this story but what I want to say to people in my position is that it is going to be okay. Before anything else embrace the person that you are. Not the person they want you to be, not the person they project themselves onto you to be. They want you to be like them. They want to make you cold, heartless, bitter and empty like they are.

Just be you. Embrace the things about yourself that they hate because I can guarantee you - those things are invaluable. Kindness, compassion, empathy, the capacity and willingness to love and to be vulnerable. THOSE things matter. They are what set you apart, they are what make the world a beautiful place to be.
Share those things with others. The narcs and psychopaths of the world - they have their own little game going, a circus if you will - don't be part of that. Take your time, love and energy and live your life.

Build your life and cherish every single second of it. Embrace the freedom that comes from not having this type of person in your life anymore. They do not own you and they, and their prior presence in your life does not define you either.

I am an intelligent, caring, compassionate, empathetic, funny, beautiful woman.

And now I'm finally smiling :)

Feb 27 - 12PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Glad you have your smile back xo