I'm back

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#1 May 20 - 3AM
round3
round3's picture

I'm back

My original story happened in 2012 I believe. However, I seemed to have run into another one. An even worse one. I am two weeks NC.
Round 4, I'm back here several years later.
Here's the deal... it's garbled but it's here now.

I was introduced to the P by my long time "friend" (you'll see the reasoning for the double quotes down further in this mess) back in January of 2015. P is a widower and had been talking with my "friend". Lots of texting, they were texting buddies, he would stay up and text with her. Drunk texting, etc. she thought we would be a good match.

Some background on the P. He is a widower. I believe his wife died in 2009 or 2010 from cancer. We are 47 years old (both of us). So 46 when we met. This is the image P portrayed to the "friend" which is why the "friend" probably thought we were such a good match. The P has a now 14 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.

Some background on me. I am divorced since 2007. Separated since the beginning of 2005. I have 11 and 13 year old sons. I do not have a good dating history. I seem to attract some serious weirdos but this guy takes the cake. Along with my husband being pretty selfish and self centered. He decided he didn’t want to be married or have kids…. after we had 2.

I didn't think I was insecure and suffered the things that come with insecurity and when I met the P I was in a really good spot in my life. I was confident. I was dressing for success. I am successful. I have a really good job at a really great company as an IT Manager and they are really good to me (they just let me take my kids on a work trip so we could go goof off for 4 extra days). I was happy with where I was at; content. I really was. I can remember it.

So I went out with the P to lunch a couple times. At the second lunch P said something about sex. We had been texting and messaging. He said at lunch I didn’t seem very interested in sex. I said oh. I am. Who isn’t? He said well if he doesn’t have sex by the 3rd date he figures they aren’t attracted to him and why should he waste his time. So… third date… we go out for fish and go back to his house and have sex. Mind altering sex. After that I really wanted to be with him. I really liked him. It scared me. A couple days later he told me he does recreational drugs. He wanted to tell me because I didn’t drink or do drugs (I’m a recovering alcoholic for 18 years). I said oh. Well I don’t judge others. I just take care of my own stuff. That was that. He also came over in this time. He would go do a run for coke and then come over for a booty call (which of course I figured meant he was attracted to me and wanted to me with me).

I was looking at his FB and noticing posts from another woman who lived in Florida. I would occasionally ask and he would avoid or whatever. I also knew about the woman he broke up with who he had a 4 year off and on relationship with. I read what I could see on her FB too. She seemed really nice. I went to Florida for a 4 day weekend and we were texting. He brought up Florida woman. I sort of blew it off. He said he was going to tell me at dinner Monday night. We sexted while I was in florida. Then he was going to florida with his kids for spring break to meet her and see if there was a spark. When I got home from Florida he asked if we were still going to dinner and out of nowhere I said I don’t think that woman in Florida knows I exist and I’m not comfortable with that. I don’t think it’s nice what you’re doing. And that was that. He just stopped talking to me and I stopped talking to him.

Until mid June where out of nowhere I decide to text him. I didn’t think he would respond. I figured he was with that florida woman because the minute I told him I couldn’t go to dinner he unfriended me on FB and her relationship status changed to in a relationship with him. (I realize how high school FB can be but I think when this stuff is going on it’s a good source of information). He responded. We texted a bit. He said it sounded like I needed a motorcycle ride and ice cream and we made plans for a Saturday. And we went and had a great time. It was just a couple hours. I thought that was how a date should be. And we started seeing each other. I went to Georgia in July for the 4th and we texted. He missed me. When was I coming home. I’ve been gone too long. On and on. (a note here, the phone calls were always far and few between). He told the "friend" I asked him for a motorcycle ride. Not that he offered. She called to yell at me about why I didn’t tell her I had plans with the P. Looking back, I’m thinking it’s because the "friend" knew he was with previous OW after florida woman fell through and was probably like wtf are you doing ?? – he is with someone. This never came out and it’s not for lack of asking on my part. The "friend" seems to have the same uncanny knack of denying things and making them incredibly believable.

We would go riding. Even with the "friend" and her husband. It was a nice summer. In September I really started wondering about things. My gut was still telling me something was not right. And then I noticed that Florida woman moved to Milwaukee. I called the P and asked him. He said he didn’t know. He knew florida woman had contacted his brother for P's new phone number (I missed that part; shortly after we started seeing each other again, all of a sudden I get a text saying “use the number, not the other number”. He gave that number to the "friend" also). So I tried to let it go. I started to think I had trust issues so I tried to work on the trust issues and not be so paranoid . Looking back, he gave me and the "friend" the new number and he kept florida woman and previous OW on his existing number. He was now using to phones to manage his double/triple whatever lives. Part of me thinks He did not let the "friend" in on everything though. I’m still not 100% I believe or disbelieve the "friend" when she says she didn’t know.

In July he got arrested in Iowa for drunk driving. HE called me. I paid $2,000 to get a retainer to bail him out of jail. I drove to Iowa and took time off of work to pick him up because they took his company car and fired him. that was when he told me he loved me the first time. Drunk. Really really drunk. He blew a 2.6. In the end of October, the last day to be exact, The "Friend" was moving out of her house from her husband. The day before there was a trick or treat party at my sisters that I invited the P and his daughter too. His daughter didn’t want to go. He came. He seemed really jacked up. He had a cooler full of beer. It didn’t occur to me then, but looking back, I think he was coked up. I didn’t learn how to see the signs until much later. He yelled at me in front of my sister and brother in law. I was crushed. I could barely speak to him. I felt really shamed. On the way home he brought it up and made it be like I was the issue. We got in the house and he kept it up. I wanted to talk. He got up and left. Kissed me, said he loved me and left and slammed the door. ignored me the rest of the night. I was a mess. In the morning, I’m not knowing if I should go help the "friend" move. I am going back and forth. Frantic. I go. Turns out he finally calls and he is in the area at a dennys cuz (after fricking yelling at me saying I make him leave his kid home alone overnight) he goes to the party he told me about and I was like sure after I take my kids trick or treating, he went to that party. Or he said he did. He got more coke. And he went and partied and cheated on me with florida girl. I flat out asked him when I saw him. He looked horrible. I was a crying mess. He lied right to my face. He actually said, after I said oh you stayed at the hotel florida girl works at? - - he said “why do you know that? are you stalking her? so boom. There I am feeling bad again. Like a sick jealous needy girlfriend.

I brushed it off. Working on my trust issues. He wouldn’t lie to me. Meanwhile he is telling me how much the "Friend" is texting him and blah blah and I am starting to lose it on a regular basis. Christmas was OK. P has a real short fuse and a real hot temper and goes into fits of rage. My kids have suffered at his verbal abuse. Just some other events to color this nightmare for you….. my son blew his nose at the dinner table (P would make all five of us dinner, you know, that family thing). Andy yelled at him from across the table. swore, using the F-word and asked him if he was a retard. I sat there. In shock. Shaking. Unable to defend my own son. There were many other instances. He regularly berated my kids, and his own kids. He scared his daughter and my youngest son so bad in a fit of rage my son almost threw up on his living room floor. His daughter went crying in her room texted me begging me to take her with us.

He had to do weekend Jail in January on my birthday weekend. He was a complete jerk to me. Not even a card. A text at 5:30 am ‘Happy birthday!” Looking back, I wonder if the idiot was even in Iowa or if he spent the weekend with the woman from Florida. I don’t know. I will never know. I know he was a jerk to me. The next weekend we were supposed to go to a party with the "friend" and her husband and some other people we knew at a hotel. P said there were going to be drugs there. (Making like he is so concerned with my comfort level) I said those people are too stupid and I don’t want to get arrested for drug possession. So instead, I drove him to pick up cocaine and we went out with his drug dealer (yup I did that....) . Yes. That is what we did. We came home and had the type of sex you have when at least one person is hopped up on cocaine… rough. A week later I find out I have an STD and it’s a new infection. So I didn’t just have an outbreak. I got it from him. He would not get tested. He gave me some story about a girl he hooked up with when he was 20 who said she got it from him to. It’s the oral herpes virus. SO this is where I really start trying to leave him and it just is not happening. I am constantly sucked back in. It was like small moments of clarity followed by long times of insanity. It took almost a month for the rash to go away. I flat out asked him “what have you been doing since I can’t have sex?” He said “well I’m cheating. Is that what you want me to say baby???!?” And everything was always in a text. Him being supportive looked like dropping off bactine spray after I asked him 4 times. In there, we had made reservations to take the 3 kids to florida.

I’m was still doing crazy detective work and was not able to keep my crazy contained with him at all. And I’m was starting to put it together to the point of really flipping out at him about cheating and he finally admits to Halloween night. But he loves me. This is the first time he has committed himself to one woman. He is sorry. I actually told him he couldn’t go to florida. I sat on the fence and never cancelled the airfare. Instead I spent $850 more on more airfare for me and my boys trying to compromise to help him out because “oh I won’t know what to do with my daughter and keep her entertained. She will be heart broken. you don’t want to do that to her.” blah blah blah. I am sure you know this story. We go to florida and it was nice, so long as I could stay in the fantasy. But his phone would ring and he would hide it and say it was his brother. I would question him and he would say “jesus baby. It’s my brother”. I would cry. I cried all the time now. ALL THE TIME! We came back from Florida on a Thursday very late. Normally they would have stayed by our house but he had to drop us off at my car because of the mess I made with airfare. They went home. He had stuff to do. Baby I have to get my responsibilities done. His mysterious friend shows up at his house Friday night. He didn’t invite us over. I questioned how his estranged buddy could show up but we weren’t invited over. “He just called on his way home from Madison baby”. I’m thinking there was a drug drop off. We went to a movie with the kids the next afternoon. They went home. His daughter wanted to go home. The next week is hairy. Fights off and on. Saturday it’s “come see me baby” so I throw all my responsibilities out the window and go meet him. Oh party at estranged friends house. You’re invited. His daughter is going. Kids can go. I’m feeling really weird. I don’t want to make Kalli uncomfortable. I ask him to ask his daughter because the relationship between me and her is now strained because he told her I thought he was cheating or had cheated and of course he hadn't and he tells her I am crazy jealous (which is his pattern, I actually freaked out so bad I contacted the previous OW and sure as shit, he bashes the woman to his kids and paints us all as crazy). He probably never did but his response was “she wants to go with just me”. He texts from the party. He gets a black eye. Some guy attacked him with no reason. Oh but “I almost killed him baby. I had my foot on his throat. I beat him up against a brick wall”…. I ask where was estranged friend. “I was talking to estranged friend and "woman" in the garage” who is "woman"? "woman" is the guy’s wife who punched him. I’m a crying mess. I can’t even function that whole weekend. I’m curled up in a corner in my bedroom and my kids are coming to check on me. Looking back, I’m thinking he was hitting on that woman and the guy labeled him. and he did nothing. I asked were the police called. “Oh no. estranged friend didn’t want to scare the kiddos”. WTF? 2 weeks later, texts me from work, I’m going to Oak creek Police department after work to file a report. I have white flashes and my vision is distorted. I respond with “OK, I will support whatever you decide”. He didn’t go. Then it’s “I have an eye doctor appointment”.

It goes on and on. I get so freaked out I actually contact the woman he was in a relationship with on and off for 4 years and now we are really putting it together. Turns out he was sleeping with both of us in the very beginning and then when I texted him again in june through July 6. His discard of her went in a text “You don’t have the love for me in your eyes anymore (which he used that line on me just a couple months ago at his house) and I spent all this money on you and you didn’t put out this weekend”. He left her keys and left. I came home from Georgia that day. He told me he went to bed at 9pm on the 4th of July. He didn’t He was with this OW. There are a ton more stories. I could write a book with just the stories. He also was dragging his daughter through this with all the woman.... me, the 4 year woman, the florida woman, and countless friggin' others..... ugh

What I have learned is this is his pattern. I don’t know what he did when his wife was healthy but I know there were threesomes. I know they both used alot of cocaine. We all went to school together and hung out at the same hangouts so me and the previous OW heard the stories about the drugs. (I had this hope that his wife was 'normal', but it turns out there has never been any healthy relationships in P's life..... duh) When his wife could no longer have sex he started an affair with a married woman with 3 kids down the street. The marriage dissolved and the husband kicked her out. His reasoning “my wife couldn’t have sex anymore and I have needs”. He moved her and her kids in. His kids mom’s body wasn’t even cold and his kids had another woman and her kids in the house. During that relationship he started a dating profile that is where he picked up the woman (4 year relationship) He pitted the two of them against each other for a year. Then he “picked” the 4 year OW. She told me she thought she “won”. I was like OMG – I felt the same.! After a while she moved in. After two months and them chaperoning school events P was picking up single moms at the school. He wanted a threesome. 4 year OW did not. He kicked her out. Got two women. One was a recovering alcoholic. Not anymore though. He also turned 4 year OW into a drug addict. His reasoning ‘if you don’t do drugs with me I will have to find another woman who will”. He eventually goes back to 4 year OW. She moves back in for a year. All the same. 4 year OW is crazy but can’t leave because it’s horrible every time she tries. Huge fight at a bar. Because she finds texts to one of the 2 women he has having threesomes with. He kicks her out. December 2014. He calls back on one of the threesome woman. There is a FB message from one of that woman's children begging him to send her mom home that he is a horrible person and getting her mom to drink is horrible and on and on...That story picks up where I started typing.

He has a known history of verbal abuse. Covert abuse. Serial cheater. Pathalogical liar. Physical abuse. What I know now to be gaslighting, and crazy making. Word salad. I have been on another site and reading and posting. But its’ not enough. I had lost it bad on a trip this past week far from home with my kids. I started having anxiety again. Really bad. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat well and food doesn’t stay in long. I have a terrible time functioning and focusing. I go in and out. I think that is CD. I get these bursts of well he is right and I am crazy and jealous and I need to call him and straighten this out. After my flip out the morning of May 6, I blocked him, again, and have managed to keep him blocked. I did unblock once and send one small text and found out he has me blocked. I don’t even think that means anything. I could go on and on. But I’m sure you know. It’s like I’m looking for validation. Someone to tell me he is a sociopath. It took me since the beginning of February to go NC with him. All of my attempts failed.

He shot 4 year OW cat and managed to get her on the phone and say “help me pull the trigger baby” because the cat peed on his aphgan. And that was after he took the cat because 4 year OW wasn’t living with him and the cat wasn’t transitioning well. P offered to “help”. That cat lived 2 days at P’s house. I have come to find out he has a cocaine and other drugs habit to the tune of very expensive habit depending on his mood or whatever. He smokes cigerettes too so that’s an expensive habit. He gets social security for his kids and I pray for the day it stops and maybe he can’t keep up his hobbies anymore. (detour there).

I don’t even know what I typed but I got a lot of it out for you. I want to heal. I want to not feel like this. I want him to just not be a factor. The extreme feelings and mood swings are making me ill and causing anxiety attacks and when I get in the CD and I start second guessing it is maddening and it’s getting worse not better with NC.

I’m pretty sure he has been cheating almost the entire time. I don’t know with who. It doesn’t matter. He gave me an STD. he was horrible to me and my kids. He lies endlessly. Another thing he did after the "friend" moved out after the fight and the partying, she called him lonely. She JUST told me the other night he came down there and took her out drinking with “a friend”. The friend was his coke dealer. "friend" said he told her “don’t tell . She will be really mad at you. She is jealous of everyone”. I was so mad. I said yeah well he was probably buying time until florida woman got off of work cuz she works second shift. The reason I add this about "Friend" is because I am not even real clear on if she is lieing ot me also saying she is not talking to him anymore. She talks real supportive of me. She told me she broke the friendship off a while ago with P. I just seriously don’t know what to believe and then someone suggested I read about flying monkeys. So I did. And now I really don’t know. I don’t’ know that it matters if I know. I probably should not talk to her because clearly I get anxiety really bad from it.

Bleh - so... current. .... I am 2 weeks complete NC today. No peeking, no stalking, no drive-bys, no hovers that I know of. I have him blocked on my phone. Blocked on my email. I think he is blocked on my work email. The emotions are all over the charts but I have had better days that past couple of days.

I remember this site was alot about the healing, how to get through this. Staying NC. I'm not really looking to keep rehashing all the terrible shit he put me and my kids through and what a really horrible excuse for a human he is. I get that. But I still get the CD. It slips in and out. I'm interested in moving forward and I remember getting that here, it's why I'm back.

I find it really peculiar it said my last sign in was March 15 or something, 2015. Well that would be the day that I told him I didn't think what he was doing with me and that florida woman was right and I couldn't continue seeing him.... I must have had something in my head. I'm pissed it didn't stick because I went back for more, for absolutely no reason at all, in June, 2015. And I come to find out later, it wasn't even just florida woman, he was also having relations with 4 year OW during that time also.

Asshat. I think I learned that term from Hunter.

ugh

May 20 - 10AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

HI Round3